Aaaaaaaaaargh.

Kau fikir kau siapa, fikir kau siapa

Can someone take me on a journey back into the past?

.....................

I seriously am stressed out. I've just realised it. I am stressed. Too many things on my plate now. Too many thoughts in my head. Too many expectations. Too many things to consider. I feel like running away from all this. I don't think I can do this anymore. Can I stop being a teacher? 

Aaaaaaa I seriously hate it when people say I was given lots of work just because I can do it. I can't, okay? I just can't. Please give to other teachers too, seriously. Arghhhhhh.

....................

I have been looking at old photos since last Saturday. That is not a wise action.

: 29th March 2016.

: 11.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I feel like screaming.

This is for you, my dear self.

Deeper Conversation [Yuna]

If you're struggling with yourself, remember, you are made beautiful since day 1. Good looks go away after some time, what remains is your heart and how you made people feel. It's your choice to be beautiful or not, beauty is not a privilege- it can be yours. Through your actions, through your words. Being attractive is when you enrich your brain and soul with positive things and share them with the world. Real beauty is when you love yourself. When you don't sacrifice your natural beauty or your identity just so that people will like you. When you take care of your health. Beautiful is when you are pleasant. When you're respectful in other people's space, when you are classy dealing with people who upset you. In my life, I learned that nobody will want to be around you if you're not a warm person and constantly talking bad about someone. When your heart is black, it is really hard for people to stick around. Being beautiful, is when you nurture love inside of you. It's not the colour of your skin, the shape of your nose, the thickness of your lips, it's not the curve of your body...it's how you remain lovely in this cruel world that's constantly changing and where there are people who are advocating violence in public, you exist to promote love and peace.

-Yuna, a Malaysian singer.

.......................

"Make it a habit to talk about blessings more than burdens. When you spread positivity, the Almighty will bless you with blessings even more."

-Mufti Menk

......................

"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment, he needs help."

: 26th March 2016.

: 5.03 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I've just finished watching 'Django Unchained'.

It is an interesting movie to watch if you feel like watching racism related movie.
And indeed, no one is superior than the others. No race is superior than the other races.

We all are humans, we all have emotions, we all bleed.

I craved for meat last week.

How you make others feel about themselves,

says a lot about you.

......................

"You will have days where you feel better, and you will have days where you want to die. Both are okay. There is no magical cure. You just need to close your eyes, and trust that waves will pass, and soon you'll be able to breathe again."

.....................

Last week, I had a mixture of emotions. Negative emotions. I woke up feeling anxious, went through my lessons feeling both tired and angry, went back home feeling both knackered and hungry, marking students' papers feeling frustrated and disappointed and went to bed feeling demotivated thinking of tomorrow in school. I don't know what came over me, but no matter how I tried lifting my mood by watching Merlin and randomly texting my friends, those negative emotions kept creeping in. 

I know bad days and bad moods will go off at some point, but what makes me even more negative is the fact that I knew I shouldn't be feeding myself with negative thoughts but I just couldn't stop myself from doing that. You know, when you of all people know that you shouldn't do something and yet you do it, you will feel even more terrible and disappointed in yourself. That's what I have been feeling for the past week.

One of my dear friends once pointed out to me that, most people see me as someone who they can share their secrets and problem with and also as someone who has no problem listening to their negative complaints and problems. Therefore, most of them would not mind sharing all those things with me. 

Honestly, I don't mind them sharing with me as it is a great honour to know someone has their trust in you. But, as I try my best to keep those negative things with me, as time passes by, those negative emotions and thoughts that they shared with me will start eating me out from the inside. You see, when you tell me something negative, I will try my best to make it positive but without me realising it, my soul absorbs all those negative things. Especially when the negative keeps coming in every single day. That is why, at some point, I will be very negative towards everything around me. 

Those who are around me day in and day out will eventually see how at certain days, I am such an annoying and complicated nuisance to be with. There are times when you will see me smiling sunshines and rainbows, talking nonsense and randomly making fun of things as if nothing can bring me down. Those are times I will be annoying in a good way. But mind you, after those sunshines and rainbows, I will be a soul with dark thoughts and negative emotions. I will be angry at smallest things and I will keep myself to myself. There will be no rainbows. There will be no sunshines. There will be only me; doing things that are not me and saying things I don't even mean.

And last week, after so much negativity, I exploded. I had enough of being patient and I became so angry and said things that I had in my heart for so long. What makes me even more angry is; I cared so much of a person that I became angry when that person didn't take heed of what I said. When I care about someone, I will tell them what I think the best for them, but usually, that wouldn't turn out good because when I am angry, my words are not as beautiful as they should be. And that makes those who are at the receiving ends think that I purposely hurt them with my words. But no. I care so much that is why I said such things to make you realise that you are doing it wrong. I know I am not always right, but please, hear me out when I said something. I want nothing but the best for you. You should know that. Because if you don't mean a thing to me, of course I wouldn't waste my time saying it to you. I would rather let you be. 

So, here in this long post, I want to say sorry if I hurt you with my words. I meant good. I want you to be happy. I want you to put some effort. I want you to see things from other perspective. I want you to believe in Him. I want you to know that things like soulmate or a perfect guy won't come to you without you looking for it. And please bear in mind, my dear, there is no perfect guy in this world. You and I, we have to learn to accept the flaws in others and love them the way they are. Just as God loves the imperfect us. 

And my dear, I love you the way you are. Please don't just wallow in self-pity and wait for your Prince Charming without doing anything. You have to do something. For a beginning, let us pray for him to come soon. 

.........................

"How beautiful to find a heart that loves you,

without asking you for anything,

but to be okay."

: 24th March 2016.

: 4.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Our friends always find you childish,

but you, my dear, is a person with a big heart.

You just need to see the world in a positive way.

The melody lingers on.

Show me the meaning of being lonely [Backstreetboys]

"It's not the eyes that are blind, but the hearts." 

[22: 46]

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I don't know why but recently I don't have appetite to eat. It's not that I didn't eat but rather I didn't look forward to eating just like how I used to. People around me keep saying that it's because of tiredness and because I have too many things on my mind; which is quite right, I think. I guess rather than having troubles to sleep, I am having more troubles getting myself to eat properly.

Realising this, yesterday, I took some time off from watching movies and anything online for an hour just to sort out what is bothering me. Unfortunately, sorting it out doesn't mean it is resolved, but I have come to a realisation that I should rearrange my day-to-day schedule. If not, I will feel like a drag if I don't rearrange it any sooner. 

So, today, despite the fact that I went to bed a bit later than usual last night, I woke up early and drank a cup of honey drink. A good day begins with a good breakfast they said, so yeahhh, I had fruits for breakfast yesterday. It was not that filling but I managed. I did a few minutes of stretching after that because I feel like my body has been screaming for a proper exercise since forever. Here, I don't have the opportunity to exercise properly so I guess I should incorporate a little bit of stretching at least 10 minutes a day. I don't aim for the body of a model (obviously), I just wanna feel healthy because for the past two months in school, I find myself to be yawning every single morning. Not that I don't get enough sleep, I believe it's because my body is kinda not awake? Oh, whatever. At least I am doing good for my own body. You should, too :)

Emotion wise, I have been in a rollercoaster of emotions since the beginning of the year. For those who are close to me, they will know what I am talking about. But one thing for sure, this year, I feel like I am easy to get angry at certain things. This is bad, seriously. It's like I am running out of patience; especially to students. Never in my history of teaching I would bring a cane into class, but man, this time I did, in that one particular class. I have tried giving my attention and love but no, it didn't work out. So, I brought a cane. And it worked out. But I shouldn't misuse it, I feel. Now, I am figuring how should I treat them and make them love learning with me just because they want to learn, not because they are scared of me. Please tell me how if you happen to know. Don't say I need to give them more sweets because they need to learn to love learning not for the sake of the sweets. And plus, the economy is bad now. I need to save money.

And for dear you, I hope your days are good despite the lack of interaction between us. I might not show you what your presence means to me, but I do miss you at times. I don't want to be clingy by keep sending texts whatsoever (because I myself feel suffocated if people keep sending messages) but I pray for both your well-being and for your bright future. One day, God willing, I hope to see you. With that being said, I do look forward to know what you are up to every day. Meanwhile, take a good care of yourself. Eat properly. 

..................

This is my girl crush (with her boyfriend at the back). 

She's one of the reasons why I am trying to incorporate good habits in my life (ahha over).

Arghhhh how can you be so cute and gorgeous at the same time? 

.....................

"Trust yourself. You've survived a lot, and you'll survive whatever is coming."

: 5th March 2016.

: 11.40 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I was so happy knowing that all my Physics students passed their paper.

Even so, half of my English students failed. I just don't know what to say.