Those little fingers I love.

The sound of the fan

It makes me smile knowing that 

my sweet little baby

is half me and half the person I love.

......................

As the first time mother, I always heard stories of how terrifying the contraction pain and the labour process is. No matter how many people I asked, they always said that the contraction pain is sooooo bad and most first time mothers will spend hours and hours just to wait for the cervix opening. If the opening takes a lot of time and the baby is in distress, the doctor will either perform episiotomy or use forceps or vacuum the baby or perform a Caesarean operation. Either way, there will be a lot of stitches in the end. And the healing process? It will take quite some time and it will somehow affect the emotional state of the mother.

In my case, I didn't experience what they said as painful contractions. Honestly after listening to stories, I expected the contraction would be so painful. However, even in the last days before the delivery, I did experience cramps around my belly but since the cramps were not thatttt terrible, I thought those were not the contractions. I didn't even realise I was having the real contractions because of that. 

The night before the EDD, I couldn't sleep well. I woke up a few times and because I was so worried that I might be getting an induce since my EDD was due in a day, I performed solat hajat and ended up praying a few other solat sunat. I prayed to Allah whatever happens, please don't make me get an induce. Little did I know that I should instead pray for a smooth journey during and after delivery. But hey, we learn. 

That morning I went to my mom's room. I asked her if we could have our breakfast outside since I wanted to just get a fresh air after that sleepless night. It was just a coincidence that my grandmother who stayed with us at that time also wanted to have her nasi lemak at her favourite shop. So we headed out and had our breakfast there. I ordered a lempeng with prawn sambal. It was soooooo spicy and it caused my stomach to feel a little bit of discomfort. After that, my grandmother asked my mom to take her to the pharmacy near the morning market as she wanted to buy herself a new walking stick. So off we went with me feeling a little bit discomfort. When we were there, I experienced some sort of stomachache. I thought it had to do with the sambal I ate. So I kinda brushed the feeling off thinking that I might need to go to the toilet once we reached home. 

After we bought the new walking stick, my grandmother said that she needed to go to the loo. So, we went to the nearby clinic to use their toilet. Thinking that maybe I should just answer my nature's call there, I went into the toilet. However, to my surprise, I saw a few spotting on my panties. I was quite confused. Is that one of the signs that labour is about to start? The blood show? Is it? I was confused and so unsure of what to do. Should I quickly go to the hospital or should I wait? Oh man. What should I do? 

Not knowing what to do, I told my mom about it and she said we should head home for her to look at the spotting. Just when I thought we could go home, my mom said she wanted to buy some groceries first at the morning market.  If it was the starting of labour, it would take a few hours since it was my first baby, she said. In most cases, it takes a few hours just for 1cm opening. Thinking that she might be right, I said okay. However, instead of going with her, I told her that I would just wait in the car. That was when the pain was getting real. It suddenly crossed my mind that maybe that was the contraction pain that people are talking about. Oh man. What should I do? 

I told my grandmother about the pain and all she said, "Ko biar betul" (You better not be kidding me). I was like "Nek, sakit betul lah" (It is painful, grandma). She just repeated that ko biar betul. Oh God. And as my mom entered the car, I told her about the pain. She was panicking. However, I told her it wasn't thattttt bad. Just as we wanted to head home, my grandmother said she wanted to buy fresh fish near the jetty. Oh man. Why of all time? Why must she want that now? Whyyyy? And so we went to the jetty. After we bought the fish that she wanted, we headed home. 

It was around 1 plus at that time. Once we reached home, I showed the spotting to my mom. She said we should get ready to go to the hospital. She asked me to have a few bites first but I wasn't feeling hungry so I just drank a cup of hot milo. I told her we should perform our Zohor prayer first. After that, we went straight to the hospital in Muar, Johor. Throughout the journey, the pain was getting real and I started to feel the cramps every 20 minutes. I started to recite the doa that my mom taught me and tried to regulate my breathing. It would be even more painful, I thought to myself so I should keep calm. 

The parking spots were full. Just nice, right? Hahaha. My mom was already panicking, she was worried of me. So to make her less worried, I suggested to her to park at the nearby clinic's parking spot. I would have to walk quite a distance but I told her the pain was not that bad (even though it was). So we walked to the entrance. Once we reached there, the medical officer told me to go to the ward on our own since I didn't look like I had so much pain. So much for smiling in pain hahaha. So off we went there.

It was around 3 plus when they finally checked the opening. I was lying there looking at the doctors' faces. They said facial expressions don't lie right? When one of them checked, I could see she was a bit surprised. She immediately asked the other doctor to check again. When the other one checked, both of them looked at each other. "It is already 6cm." I didn't know what's the fuss over it but they asked me to keep lying there to check the CTG of the baby. Since I secretly brought my handphone in (I shouldn't of course), I took it out and started to recite surah Maryam. It helped me a lot in enduring the pain, however after some time, if I wasn't mistaken, when I reached the verse 20, I couldn't recite the next one. It was around 4.30 pm and I started to feel hot and I was sweating like crazy. At that time, the lady on the bed beside me asked me whether I was about to deliver. I said I didn't know so she immediately called the doctor. The doctor came and she checked the opening. She quickly exclaimed "It is already 9cm!" and a few nurses started to rush and help me to change my clothes. It was a bit blurry and I didn't really realise what was actually happening as I tried to endure the contraction pain.

I was taken to the labour room and the situation was hectic. They asked if my husband would accompany me but unfortunately he was still on the way from Cheras. I was a bit sad but the pain overcame all the other emotions. I kept reciting the doa and I heard the doctor said this won't take long. And after a few pushes and with the help of the nurses (one of the nurses scolded me okay), alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh I finally held my baby's little fingers in my hand. It felt so surreal and I, for a second there, forgot about the pain. 

I felt like crying and while the nurses were busy cleaning up (oh man, I didn't bother to see the pool of blood down there), I was thinking to myself, after a few months carrying him, this baby looks like his father. As much as I wished he would look like me, I still love him all the same. 

And now, after going through that delivery process (oh I haven't told you about the perineum tear I had) and  a tough postpartum period, I know what they say about mother's love knows no bounds. 

For my little bundle of joy, a thousand times over.

...........

: 4th August 2020.

: Merlimau, Melaka.

: It was until recently that I was brave enough to see the scar 'down there'. 

These days, my body hurts.

Have I told you lately that I love you

The weather has been crazy these past few days, hasn't it? The combination of crazy weather and a whole load of work I have been doing for the past few days; has totally taken a toll on me.

My body started to feel a bit more tired that I always fall asleep so fast and mannn, the moment I woke up- I never felt so awake and tired at the same time. I don't know how to explain it but it felt good having a good sleep but my mind felt tired thinking of a brand new day I would need to go through again. So complicated.

Talking about feeling tired, oh this reminds me of the few weeks before I delivered my dear son. 

In the first trimester, I did not have a rough time with morning sickness. I always thought morning sickness means that most of the pregnant ladies will somehow vomit or throw up early in the morning; thus the name morning sickness. However, in my case, it's more to evening sickness? I don't know what to call since the nausea feeling came only during evening. My mornings were mostly me waking up feeling like 'oh man I need more hours of sleep' but once I hit the shower, alhamdulillahh I was ready to gear up for school. 

Unfortunately, it was not the case once dinner time was almost there. I couldn't stand the smell of rice, imagine that. I didn't like rice hahahha can you imagine? Me? Not eating rice? Hahahha but yeah, that was what happened to me. I could only took a few bites and that's that. My preference was more to western food at that time. You name it. Chicken chop? Burgers? Spaghetti? Pasta? Yes, those were the foods that fueled me up in the beginning of my pregnancy. However, alhamdulillahh during the next two trimesters, my appetite came back. Come rice, get into my bellyyyyy. 

As for weird cravings and whatnot, I think I was more into wanting to go travelling. During pregnancy, I went to a few states; well, mainly in the matter of attending weddings and visiting friends. But man, I did travel a lot. Alhamdulillahh I didn't have any complications travelling by bus, car or flight. Some people did warn me to get enough rest as not many could travel far with their big belly but alhamdulillahh this baby appeared to love being on a trip. I think it might also have some relation to me and husband being in long distance relationship. We only managed to see each other during weekends so when the long holidays were finally there, we took the opportunity to travel together especially before we have another one coming aboard. Oh, how we were so ecstatic with the thoughts of having the little one to join us travelling but fast forward, now with all this Covid pandemic going on, we have to put a pause to all those plans we had back then. Those traveling times made us become closer and I thank Allah for all those opportunities. I was so glad I managed to travel to Bandung, Indonesia with my husband as he had never been to overseas before. Alhamdulillah at least his first trip was with me gituw hikhikhik gedik kan. 

Even though I did look like I had quite a smooth pregnancy, towards the last few weeks before labour, I experienced what they call as 'sciatica'; pain and numbness that radiate along the sciatic nerve from the lower back to the buttocks and leg.  Oh man, the pain. I couldn't walk as fast as I used to. I even felt the sharp pain every time I wanted to climb down the stairs. I put on smiles every time people bumped into me but mannnn the painnnnnn. The pain was nothing I could imagine before. That was only 'sciatica', I didn't know what type of pain other mothers had to go through. That was such a good reminder for me of the struggles that other mothers might go through. Please grant jannah to all mothers, oh Allah.

It was during those challenging and painful times that made me missed my spouse so much. I always wished he was there to at least massage my leg or whatnot but man, the distance. It was tough going through the rough nights alone. I did wake up a few times at nights because of the pain and the urge to pee. Man, how can mothers pee a lot with their big bellyyyy? It was such a struggle. But alhamdulillahh, if Allah put you to it, He will put you through it right? Alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh I managed to go through almost 40 weeks of being pregnant. And on a day before the EDD, I delivered my first born. 

Just when I thought the struggles had finally over, the postpartum period was another different type of struggle. Hey, for every blessing of course there's a test that comes with it. That's the price of it kan? So whenever you face a difficulty, be patient, a blessing is on the way. Just be patient and trust Him, okay?

..................

: 3rd August 2020.

: Merlimau, Melaka.

: A child is both a blessing and a responsibility.

Yes I am back!

Students chattering

Hello, there. It has been quite some time right? My goodness, how I long to write something here and alhamdulillah finally I am here. I know I have been making promises to at least write something here but man, life has been sooooo hectic. A blessed type of hectic.

For those who might be wondering what I was up to the last two years (almost two years now right?), alhamdulillah I was busy carrying the little one inside me (what a wonderful 9 months of journey that was) and gave birth to my lovely son on March 2019 last year. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I never thought that a few days before our first anniversary, I would become a mother. Alhamdulillah, but there was not celebration for our first anniversary wuuwuuuu. I was still at the hospital on our first anniversary fuhh the experience. Still, alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. It is not easy being a mother and wife at the same time but it is worth it. I pray that for those who are praying to get their bundle of joy will be blessed with one soon. Don't worry, God will give one when it is the right time. He knows the perfect time for that. He is the All-Knowing, so trust Him okay?

I still remember how eventful being pregnant was. It was not easy, though people saw me all smiling. I was happy of course, who would not right? I was beyond happy feeling the little one's kicks and all that but there were times when I couldn't sleep and mannn, feeling lethargic all day was such a challenge to me. I felt bloated and hungry at the same time. I missed my husband too most of the times and his T-shirts were the only comfort I had during challenging and sleepless nights. That's the perks of LDR you see. 

There were also times when my emotions got the better of me especially when I saw photos of my friends spending time with their spouses. I admit it, I felt so jealous and when the emotions got so ugly no matter how hard I tried to be happy for them and to be grateful in whatever state I was in, I had to take a few steps away from social media. I even muted their posts so that I would not compare my life with them. I also had the urge to show every piece of happiness I had each day and man, at one point I felt like why am I doing this for? This is not a competition. Life is never a competition so why was I getting so worked up seeing people posting and uploading their happiness on social media? Thank God I managed to stop myself from over sharing and over showing the fact that I was happily pregnant and expecting. I am a private type of person so I managed to keep that as a private thing as well to the point  that when I finally posted the news that I had given birth, many of my friends got the shock of their lives. Alamak macam tu pulak haha. But yeah, I am one of the people who think that there is no need to show the whole world that I am expecting as we never know what will happen during the process. Plus, it is not nice to happily announce and show that as there will be people who might feel sad as they themselves are trying hard to conceive. We never know right? See, so many things to consider. Some people might say heyy let me be, it's my social media so why bother. It's my right to post photos of my baby bump and my craving and whatnot. It's true as well, but for me, sharing once a while is okay but to share every single hour or every single day...I don't know. You just have to think for others as well. 

Phew, the pregnancy journey was a tough one I tell youuuu haha. I was so blessed for staying at my parents' house even though some of the times they did go back to Penang to look at their house there and to visit their friends. It's so fun being a retiree right? I was also blessed with less health concerns during pregnancy, however Allah is sooo fair. I was tested with a challenging post-partum period. But that's another story. During pregnancy, I didn't have weird cravings and I could just eat everything. But at times when my family was not around, that was when I was tested with negative thoughts. I felt so alone and it felt so miserable to go to all those doctor appointments alone. I also felt so tired having to go to and fro to my in-laws' on certain weekends even though I just took the bus. Carrying a big belly alone here and there made me feel like a single parent at times fuhhh the thoughts. Going through all that made me amazed with all the single mothers who have to raise their kids on their own. It's not easy. So, if you know anybody going through LDR or anybody who is just staying with their kids, please please please give them support. A little bit of understanding and encouragement especially by asking them how's their day will make their day. See, that's all I need actually during those times. And alhamdulillah I was so blessed to have a dear friend of mine who was in Dungun that time, who never failed to check up on me. Such a precious soul she is. There were some who once in a while called but she and another one who is in Pasir Gudang now, were those two who were always there to listen to my rants. God bless them. 

Hey, that was through that ugly period when I learnt that comparison is seriously the thief of joy. Why would I be unhappy seeing people's happiness when Allah has blessed me with the little bundle of joy that not everyone is blessed with. I should be grateful each day for that and alhamdulillah my husband was there to remind me of that every passing day. 

Wow, so much things happened right? I felt so much better now that I finally managed to pour this all out. There were so many things happened in between but to summarize, I have learnt a lot. I have seen the ugly emotions that were kept hidden all these while and through it all, I have seen the precious souls who were there for me. Thanks. May Allah bless you for that.

.....................................

Love yourself when you're tired

Love yourself when you're weak

Love yourself when you're confused

Love yourself when you're broken

Love yourself until you're restored.

With love,

I who selfishly need people to love me 

when I myself need to love others as much.