Start living your life; in gratitude.

 You've got the healing that I want

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my personal development. I know it is super late for me to start reshuffling my schedule and daily routine as I am already a quarter-decade old (26 years old to be exact), but as people often say, it is never too late to change for the better. However, the question is; have I really changed for the better and if not; how?

When I looked back at my old random childish posts in this blog, as well as my written ramblings on other mediums (books, tumblr, twitters etc), I found that instead of improving a lot, my personal development is rather constant and at times, my progress kind of deteriorating rather than improving. This kind of hit me hard these few days. And while my housemate was away for her camp in Pahang, I did some sort of reflection on myself.

I have always complained about school and students, about my (lack of) love life, about my mundane routine (watching random videos and do nothing at home), about this dull, boring place I am stuck in and about myself physically (how unattractive I find myself is). All I ever did all the while was complaining and constantly looking at the negative side of things. 

And one day, as I stared at my ceiling, listening to the roar of thunders outside-- I realised how ungrateful I was (and still am). I forgot to look at how lucky I am to be able to rent a decent house in this dull place, how lucky I am for having my good friend that I have known since my first year of foundation in college as my housemate, how lucky I am to be able to own a car, how lucky I am to have a friend who never fails to call me at least once a fortnight, how lucky I am to have the strength and courage to drive miles and miles on the road, how lucky I am to have siblings who never fail to show their support and love (in their own ways) and the list goes on and on. And when one of my friends wrote me an unexpected comment, I realised how distorted my perspective has always been all this while. I failed to see all the good things that happened in my life as my eyes tend to see other people's blessings rather than my own blessings. 

So today, as I am waiting for my housemate to come home, I am writing this to remind myself that even though there are things that will put my spirit down being here in Jeli, there are other things to be grateful for. Just look around you, dear. See that photos on the wall? The books in your collection? The movies and drama series in your laptop? The housemate across your room? The trees outside the window? The food in your fridge? The bed in your room? Be grateful. You have more than you think you have.

....................

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind."

-Anonymous.

Recently, one of my friends commented on how glowing my face is. I doubted that statement honestly, but  I guess the above product has something to do with it. My face is kind of dry and using too much cream makes my face feel sticky and I dislike that kind of feeling. I have tried a few products and still, my face felt not moisturized enough. However, last month, as I randomly check updates on instagram, one of the people that I follow shared this product. And tadaaaaaa...I ended up buying this product. I have been using it ever since and I feel like my skin has never felt as moisturized as it is now. I don't know, but I've been loving it ever since. I hope it will continue making my skin feel moisturized. I am getting older day by day, so I really feel like I should start taking care of my skin seriously now. You should, too! 

: 31st August 2015.

: 05.35 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I have a huge girl crush on one Youtube blogger.

She makes me thinking about how should I live my life to the fullest;

especially by pampering and taking care of myself, 

by reading at least a book or listening to a new song,

by trying and learning new things every single day

and by savoring each moment that is given to me.
It's all about carpe diem and being grateful, isn't it?

Pray five times a day.

Prayers - A Beautiful Reminder

Our five daily prayers are a way to curb over-attachment to anything material. The five prayers regulate our lives with their specific timings to teach us that indeed Allah is greater than anything else that we might be occupied in at that moment.

The dawn prayer teaches us that the most beloved thing to us, comfort and sleep, should not control us – so we rise up in the cold morning, wash ourselves and pray in an acknowledgement that Allah is greater than our love of comfort and sleep.

The midday and afternoon prayer teaches us that no matter how engrossed we are with work or the short lunch hour that we so highly value, it’s not the purpose of our existence. So we leave it for a few minutes and stand and pray testifying that Allah is indeed greater.On Friday, we dedicate most, if not all of our lunch hour to attend the Friday sermon and prayer.

The dusk prayer, that time when we’re finally home and about to spend time with our family, eat dinner or simply relax – we get up and pray together to confirm that Allah is Greater than any of that.

Finally the night prayer, Isha’ – when we’re tired after a long day of work and responsibilities ready to fall into bed and sleep, we pray again proving that submitting to Allah is greater than falling into the warm bed.

All these serve as constant reminders to us that as much as we love life, we live for a higher purpose.

(Mansoor Ahmed)

.....................

Apakah perkara yang paling ringan di dunia ini?

Jawapan: Meninggalkan solat.

OUCH.

: 28th August 2015.

: 11.40 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Oh Allah, please make me one of those who never forget to pray.

Like an oasis in a vast desert.

Bae Bae [Big Bang]

"I think I am mentally ill", said Top-shi.

"Me too", said the girl who have just turned 26.

...................

"The thing I'm most afraid of is me.

Of not knowing what I'm going to do.

Of not knowing what I'm doing right now."

....................

The scariest thing is when a sin

becomes so routine for you that

you no longer find 

it is necessary to repent.

: 25th August 2015.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just don't have the mood to do anything else besides watching

my namja, Jiyong. Sorry, Changmin. This time it's Jiyong.

What are the worst comments?

I'm a loser [Big Bang]

"Please come to me, I am too hurt, to have hurt you. 

We can better bear it together."

....................

August has always been a precious month for me. No, not because my birthday falls in this month. Rather, it is because a lot of my friends' birthdays fall in this month. These friends of mine, their presence is precious to me and each of them leaves such a deep impression in my life.

One of them is already married. This friend; she is such a unique person and when I said unique, she is one of the kind. She was in the same class as me when I was Form 1. First impression, she looked like an ordinary girl but when she shared her thoughts, wow, she made me think a lot. We discussed a lot of random stupid things. Just name it; how Bulma and Bezita got married (Dragonball characters, okay), how Jack the Ripper got away with his crimes (we were so into investigation thanks to Detective Conan), can we live in Mars one day (a heated discussion this one, she strongly believed humans will be able to live in Mars one day) and a lot of other topics. And looking back at those so-called deep discussions (more like random chat), I could not believe how innocent and curious we were at that time. And now, she is a doctor with a baby in her stomach! May Allah put everything at ease for her. Ganbatte!

Another August girl whom I dear is another unique person as well. This girl; she is so cheeky. Her cheekiness is what makes her one of the kind as well. She is one type of person who never fails to make other people around her smile and laugh despite the sadness and pain she might face. This type of person brightens everyone's day and I always find myself smile when I look back at all those memories with her in it. There were times when her jokes might hit the wrong button though but honestly, just the thought of her and her randomness is enough to make everyone smiles. Not to mention her videos hehehe. And thanks to her, these few days I have been spending my time watching Big Band videos more than I should (considering that I have a lot of exam papers to mark). Not that I am complaining though hehe.

Another precious soul is this sport and IT freak girl whom I have known for almost 8 years now. This girl is such a lovable person. No matter how moody she might be at times (hehe), there is no one who will not love this girl. She often says how no one loves her and how she is unloved by others but the truth is, no matter how I tell her she is loved not just by me but a lot more others, she just won't believe me. Her presence in my life means a lot to me. She might say I am lying again as I haven't been contacting her as frequently as I once used to, but honestly, she is one of the friends whom I will turn to whenever I feel sad or hurt. For me, even though someone might feel like "Oh, you only find me when you are sad or in trouble" but actually, if someone comes to you when they are having a hard time, it means that you are like a candle when everything is dark. So, for me, she is one of the candles when everything seems dark to me.

These friends are indeed a few of the beautiful souls I am blessed to know in my life. Without them, my life will not be as interesting as it is. Thank you dear friends. 

....................

Say Alhamdulillah, because you always have more than you think you have.

: 24th August 2015.

: 8.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I watched Big Bang Healing Camp 2011 video and

it made me think of a few incidents in my life

that I have tried so hard not to remember ever again.

For those who think I am a good person,

never once commit any mistakes,

and loved by others all the time, think again.

There were times when people hated and disliked me too.

And to be misunderstood is seriously depressing.

Love in our own way.

My three brothers came all the way from Penang to Jeli as a surprise to me. I guess they just love me so much to the extent they are willing to come to Jeli that offers nothing interesting to their souls. Or I guess they love the fact that this sister of theirs are capable to shower them with a lot of food even though they are away from my parents. Heh.

We went to the beach at the border of Terengganu-Kelantan and ate the seafood there; we spent a night in Kota Bharu and ate a lot of food on the way back to Jeli and we spent hours watching P.Ramlee old movies together. No matter how I hate them for numerous reasons (I named this type of hate as 'siblings' love-hate relationship'), their presence means a lot to me. Oh Allah, thank you for these brothers of mine. Please, grant them with success and happiness wherever they are. 

.......................

We always try to search for love all over the place,

but we tend to forget that love is just right beside you; 

love in the family.

: 23rd August 2015.

: 9.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I miss them already.

Row, row, my boat.

Zutter [GD & TOP]

“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; 

I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.”

— Bram Stoker, Dracula  

..................

"Don't you get it?" he said. "The ones who are afraid of heights 

don't trust themselves enough not to jump."

-Lang Leav

.................

"If becoming 'religious' has made you
more judgmental, rude, harsh and a backbiter, 

you need to check if you are worshiping God 

or your ego."

: 10th August 2015.

: 11.56 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I used to wear glasses; however since last year I have been wearing contact lens.

There are a lot of people who do that but strangely for me

since I am not wearing glasses anymore,

people keep asking me where is my glasses.

Do I look like an alien without it or what?

This makes me feel kinda irritated and inferior at the same time.

Orang lain tak pakai specs takde pulak orang tanya lelebih. Urgh.

That smile, aishhh stop it.

Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet

Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry

Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes

But I really mean it when I say I like you

[Let's Not Fall in Love, Big Bang]

....................

"I hope one day

someone asks you

about him

and you laugh

instead of feeling

a double edged

dagger on your chest."

....................

"As long as you are performing prayer,

you are knocking at the door of Allah,

and whoever is knocking at the door of Allah,

Allah will open it for him."

-Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah

: 7th August 2015.

: 7.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today is one of the days where an old book, online stories and Big Bang's songs

bring happiness despite the raging storms and dark clouds of thoughts

that are lingering and surrounding my poor, fragile, messed-up soul.

"Hey you, Sweet Potato."

Sempurna waktu, ada dirimu, ada cintamu

“Because there is no future if there is no present.” 

............................

The reason I am now hooked to this drama series is the heroine. Even though she is frustratingly blind to her own heart at times, I understood every bit of her reaction as it is her way of building a tough shell for herself against others. A woman who protects herself so well that she forgets to sometimes let others in—that’s a character I fundamentally understand and relate to. 

...........................

"The ones who notice the storms in your eyes,

the silence in your voice 

and the heaviness in your heart

are the ones you need to let in."

: 5th August 2015.

: 10.03 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today in school, my friend showed me a post which made me laughed at myself.

And the best thing in school is; almost all teachers thought I have already engaged.

My, my, my. Where on earth did the rumour come from? A single person like me?

Ahhh biarkan. Skandal pun skandal lah, janji tak tanya soalan lebih lebih. Erk.