How do you pick up the threads of an old life?

May It Be [Enya]

How do you go on 

when in your heart

you begin to understand

there is no going back?

[Frodo Baggins, The Return of The King]

......................

Today, as stated in the extra class timetable, I have an extra class with my Form 3 students. However, I was not in the mood, so I decided to call it off. To make things more interesting, one of the teachers heard that I cancelled the class and oh well, you can guess the rest of the story.

I know it was my fault for cancelling the extra class without a valid reason, but deep in my heart I felt so dissatisfied as there were also other teachers who cancelled their classes. And to teach, you have to be motivated too, if not there is no point in wasting your students' time being in a lesson with a demotivated teacher. So, that is why I cancelled it. 

Oh well, I guess by being a teacher, it also means you are a robot. The word 'rest' does not exist in a teacher's life these days. Looking at this, I just want to say good luck to dear future teachers. Don't choose teaching profession just because you need to find a safe and easy course after you realise you can't excel in other courses. Teaching is not for people who seek an easy job, teaching is for people with big heart and tough spirit.

.......................

Out of the movies I had, I decided to watch the Lord of the Ring trilogy just because I need to watch some other people going through awfully bad things so that I won't feel like I am a miserable human being. At least there are hobbits who suffer a lot more than I am now. Ahha.

: 27th April 2015.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Tomorrow we will have a rehearsal for marching.

On the next day, we will have our Sports Day. And the day after that too.

Please please let the remaining days as least exhausting as they can be.

I bought a book today.

Fiction [B2ST]

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone 

who is more deserving of your love and affection 

than you are yourself,

and that person is not to be found anywhere.

You yourself, 

as much as anybody in the entire universe, 

deserve your love and affection.

...................

And with the above quotation, Miss Gorgeous Housemate and I decided to get away from this district we called Jeli (or Jelly because we can) and spend hours in Kota Bharu. We went to Kota Bharu using Rantau Panjang route and headed home using Tanah Merah route. 

Hopefully with a change of landscape, a change of mood (better mood of course) will take place. A few more days of school until a three-days holiday. Every fiber in my body can't wait for the upcoming holiday. Wohooo.

: 26th April 2015.

: 8.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today we had Book Festival in school.

And of course, I am one of the teachers in charge.

Even though I love books, I just can't get myself to love the position I am in.

the epitome of a puzzling confusion: love.

Call me baby [EXO-K]

 Aishhh, these dorky boys. 

Watching them in that mini drama series is so entertaining.

Only we fans know why is it so entertaining.
And no, I'm not complaining. Ahhahahhaha.

....................

I have passed the time where I should be spazzing about artists (especially Kpop artists), however, I just can't move on. Maybe it's because of the stressful life I am having right now, but hey, that doesn't justify my silly crush (it's definitely not an obsession, I can guarantee you). However, in this group alone, I have three biases. I can't choose just one bias, I'm so sorry, dear. Oh why, why are you guys torturing me with a difficult choice to make? Waeeeee? 

Well, talking about crushes and biases and errrr....love (?), I admit I am starting to be quite anxious of my loveless life right now. I have tried my best to stay away from this topic, however, until when am I going to avoid this. Friends are getting married, acquaintances start to find love, teachers are asking and people around me are speculating and guessing. Oh gosh, anything but this topic please. One of my friends started to worry for me too, and worrying about me doesn't help at all. It adds to the anxiety that I have already had since the beginning of the year. Hey, you can't blame me. This society I am living with has this tendency to label the women who aren't married at my age as 'losers'. Okay 'losers' sounds so harsh but hey, that is exactly what they make me feel if I am not to be married some time soon. Urgh, do you guys think that finding a partner is like buying clothes at the mall? If it's that easy, I would probably publicising my marriage in this blog instead of ranting and telling you guys about my biases. Ahha. 

After some thoughts and debates with myself of course, I am torn between: first; wanting to find my love as soon as possible without really thinking much or second; taking my own sweet time preparing myself and finding someone who can accept me for who I am. However, after I watched a movie of a psychopath wife in 'Gone Girl', oh man, I am thinking twice now about marriage and who am I going to be in the ship called 'marriage'. I can't welcome just anybody aboard, right? I can't afford myself to be in a marriage which doesn't make me feel safe. Oh dear Lord, please help me in my affairs.

Okay, moving on from this topic, this week is as busy as it will ever be. That's because next week is Sports Day yeaaaaaahhhhh. Can't wait till it is over. Even so, as Guru Ketua Rumah Sukan, it is both tiring and exciting to wait for the red letter day. I love to watch sports, so let me cherish my athlete boys and girls in a few days to come. You kids better grab a gold medal or two (if possible, more than just two please ahhahaha yeah I am being demanding). Oh, we also have to march and prepare the mascot and all. Wohoooo. Can't wait.

Other than that, this week is also Maths and Science Week, so as a Physics teacher, I am involved as well. Thank God the teachers were understanding enough to notice that an English teacher couldn't possibly contribute much in Science projects due to her lack of knowledge and experience, so I was assigned as the person in charge of programme book. Thank God, all praise to the Almighty. 

Apart from that, as the assistant for the teacher in charge for the library, this week, we will have 10 minutes reading session. So, I will be in charge of that session which will be held on this Thursday. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. Gimme more work come on ahahhahahahahahhahahahahha *laugh crazily*

....................

"What is this world but a dream that a sleeper 
sees his delights in it for a few moments, 

and then wakes up to face reality."

-Hasan Al Basri

: 21st April 2015.

: 9.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I seriously can't wait for the upcoming Labour Day holiday.

I need it. Especially after all the labour work I did for the past few months.

I need it, guys. Come on come on give it to me what I deserve. Come on.

Eh, when did I drive past the Titiwangsa R&R?

Don't you ever wish you were someone else

Without a doubt, this month is annoyingly tiring. I was so tired with a lot of things. You name it; being an MC for almost every event, being the Head Teacher of Sports House, being the teacher in charge for Anti-Dadah thing and being a patient teacher to a bunch of rude and lazy students.

I know deep in my heart that I can't change the situation; rather what I can change is my own attitude and thoughts to every single thing that is happening to me. However, I am no angel. I am merely human. And being so, I bleed.

It was Thursday when my heart couldn't take it anymore and the dam in my eyes decided to break free. I was in the last class of Form 5 and it was two last periods of the day. Thursday has always been the most tiring day out of five days schooling and the fact that last Thursday was the last day to complete the ULBS, it was even more exhausting than it has been before. I had ten more students who haven't completed the ULBS, hence I decided to just finish it off that day no matter what happened. 

After the students greeted and sat down, I quickly grabbed the ULBS file and took a seat at the end of the class. I then started my lesson by asking for a volunteer to speak in front. They all knew that they must stand in front to give a speech on stress; however, they decided to put a lot of pressure on me as they were dilly-dallying and making fun of the situation. 

For God's sake, I was your teacher and I was being so extremely patient with all your ruckus and your stubbornness and your nonsense, so please, cut it out and speak something. The previous 12 students were able to stand in front and do their ULBS despite them not being ready. I was not a lion, I will never be one. I won't eat you guys and I won't laugh if you guys pronounce things weirdly. All I need is for you guys to stand and try to speak something in English. Urghhh. I mentally cursed them as minutes passed by.

I was so frustrated. Time was running out. More students were not paying attention and more and more students decided not to stand in front and talk, no matter how I persuaded them. They kept delaying and even when they stood in front of the class, they were joking around and even made fun of what I asked them. I was holding my anger and the more I held it, the more I felt hurt. 

I managed to force them to stand in front and even when they decided not to give the speech, I tried to ask anything about them in English and I tried my best to get them to answer in English. It was energy and mentally draining. However, the last three students asked to just give their speech to me alone at the teacher's desk. At that moment, my mood was off and without saying anything, I just sat at the teacher's desk. They came by the desk and started reading their speech (yeah, they brought the script with them). I tried to keep my anger at bay and the more I did so, the more I struggled with both flame of anger and waves of negative emotions. And so, when the last student managed to say something in English, I couldn't take it anymore. By then, my tears started to roll on my cheek. I couldn't stop it and I didn't plan to stop it at all. So at the teacher's desk, I cried unprofessionally due to the amount of anger and hurt I had been restraining since the first day I entered the class.

Thinking that there was no way I would be able to continue the lesson, I stormed out of the class. I know that it was so unprofessional for me to do so, but I just don't care. Why? You students think I am an angel? No, open your eyes. I am a human like you. If you bleed, I bleed too. I have feelings, in case you forgot! Urgh.

The students were stunned and two students ran after me. When one of the students asked, "Teacher, are you okay?", I mentally cursed, "Isn't it obvious that I am not okay?". However, I brushed him off and ran to the stairs at the end of the block. They followed me and I had to stop before other teachers saw this dramatic and unprofessional scene. The boys kept asking me, "Teacher, why? What have we done?". And by that, I literally answered their question with tears. Oh, it was soooo dramatic, I should have opted for acting instead. I would be able to get an Oscar for this scene. And after telling them that they were being rude and inconsiderate to me, I shooed them. They didn't budged. But when I told them that I need space, one of them understood and left me there sobbing and crying like a child.

Later after school, I drove back home. When I said home, I mean Penang; the place where my heart is, my family and my sanctuary.

We all need a breakaway. Alhamdulillah, thank God I decided to go home that weekend. I managed to watch Fast and Furious 7 and I got the chance to eat my favourite Assam Pedas cooked by my beloved Mom. I never felt so loved.

.........................

Some ups and downs. Some psycho depressing days. Some unstable moods. Some annoying people. That's life. Make du'a for a strong Iman.

:13th April 2015.

: 7.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I was so caught up with my thoughts 

that I didn't realise I had already drove past the Titiwangsa R&R.

It was when I saw Banding Lake that I realised I was nearing home.

Most people are the victims of their own thoughts.

Standing still, Jenny, you've got me on my knees

..................

We had PTA meeting today in the school. Since I was the Master of Ceremony (MC), I had to withstand the boredom, the sleepiness and the evening heat that nearly making me punch someone's face. I know PTA meeting is a good medium for teachers and parents to meet and discuss about their kids and school in overall, but what I don't like is; waiting for the VIPs to come and when they come, we have to wait and listen for a word or two (yeahh right) by them. I don't mind if it's related to the development of the school and such, however, most of the times, they don't really go into that topic only. So it's like wasting time; waiting for them to come and waiting for them to finish talking. From 2.30 p.m until 6.15 p.m. Urghhhh wasting my time. So much waste. What a waste. Oh.

...................

What I like about Episode 7 of It's Okay That's Love drama series is when Hae Soo didn't even say a word when Jae Yeol said, "I'm fine. He didn't beat me up too much." Instead, she hugged him and patted his shoulder. And that's when his cool demeanor fell apart. 

I think that the moment we try to be strong is the moment we are at our weakest.

: 5th April 2015.

: 10.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: This drama is not for those who prefer sweet romantic type of drama.

This drama is a bit like the movie 'A Beautiful Mind.'

You have to sit through episodes of a perfect looking hero 

with a dark and disturbing past life (and mental health too)

and a strong heroin with the fear of loving someone.

Untuk semua pertanyaan yang belum sempat terjawab.

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta [Melly Goeslow]

Adalah cinta yang mengubah jalannya waktu,

Kerana cinta, waktu terbahagi dua,

Dengan, dan rindu untuk membalik masa.

..................

I woke up today to a sudden urge of watching an Indonesian movie; Ada Apa Dengan Cinta (AADC). For those who still remember, this movie was a hit when it came out around year 2002. I had this vague memories that I once watched this movie with a bunch of my friends at that time. We watched it together at one of my friends' house on a hot evening. I still remember that we ate keropok and drank cold orange juice while watching. However, no matter how I cracked my brain, I seemed to forget who I was with. The memories were kind of jumbled up and this made me feel saddened with the realisation that; the memories in my heart are starting to fade away as each day passes by. Is this what people called; being forgetful? Or does this happen to most of you?

That is why I tend to write things down in this blog. So that, one day, when a piece of memories suddenly flashes through my thoughts, I will be able to track it down and reminisce it as it really was. 

While watching both AADC movie and a LINE commercial of AADC 2014 (you can check it out on the youtube or click on the above picture), I couldn't help but feel a sinking sadness tugging at my own heart. How time flies and how people change. Change is not a bad thing, but the sadness of watching someone or something you know has changed is unevitable. 

And here I am, feeling a tad bit sad and melancholic while listening to the poems recited by both Rangga and Cinta in AADC.

.....................

Detik tidak pernah melangkah mundur,
Tapi kertas putih itu selalu ada.

Waktu tidak pernah berjalan mundur,
Dan hari tidak pernah terulang,
Tetapi pagi selalu menawarkan cerita yang baru.

Untuk semua pertanyaan yang belum sempat terjawab.

: 4th April 2015.

: 12.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Can someone rearrange the missing pieces of my memories?

Just who, who are the friends that I spent time together watching this?

Please tell me.

Spend at least 5 minutes to call your parents or grandparents.

Best Luck [Chen EXO] 

"Aimer, c’est prendre soin de la solitude de l’autre sans jamais la combler, 

ni même la connaître."

"To love is to take care of the solitude of the other without filling it, 

and without even knowing it."

...................

Yesterday, my housemate and I were so caught up with Headcount thingy that we didn't even manage to breathe the fresh air outside of the Headcount room at school.  Urgh, what an exaggeration but it's the truth. From morning until 2  o'clock we locked ourselves in the room; cracking our brain to get through the system. So that's why today, I spent my whole day resting and doing nothing (I did the laundry, though). We need rest, okay.

Oh, what is Headcount? From my understanding, Headcount is a system where teachers can at least predict how many As, Bs, Cs, Ds and Es that the SPM candidates will achieve by looking at their academic progress from the marks that they get for each test. Teachers can also predict which students will excel in the examination by referring to the TOV (take off value) of each student. From this system, teachers will also be able to know what marks should students get for each test so that they can achieve their ETR (estimated target result) in SPM. By doing this, we can predict what is the GPS (Gred Purata Sekolah/ Average School Grade) for the year and teachers in respective subject can at least know which students to focus on in order to get them achieve the ETR. Well, in other words, it is just like a progress chart for the students' academic achievement.

At lot of work, though, in making sure this Headcount thingy complete. So, as my housemate, Miss Penggemar Sushi is the assistant secretary for Examination committee and me as the assistant for Headcount committee (I think so, I actually don't really know what is my post that made me doing this Headcount thingy), we have to do the Headcount for the school.

I am actually quite new to the system, so I had to watch from the side how my housemate went about with the system. Wow, a lot of statistics to be dealt and oh man, my eyes were almost blind looking at the screen for too long. Almost. You know how I am not a fan of numbers, so doing this Headcount thingy made my head spun and God knows how I wished for this dreadful process to end. People said 'two is better than one' and I couldn't agree more. Thank God for my gorgeous (hopefully she won't read how I praise her here ahhahaha) housemate's guidance and a bit of manipulating here and there, we managed to get this thing off the shoulder.

I know that complaining won't make any work done but let me just write this to let my heart and brain at peace. Please rest, dear troubled heart and brain. 

..................

“Tonight, I also suggest you to (instead of others) ask yourself, 

‘Are you really okay?’ 

Check on yourself like this 

and do a warm ‘good night’ to yourself.” 

-Jang Jae Yeol [ It's Okay That's Love]

: 4th April 2015.

: 12.10 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I watched 'Interstellar' today. Wow.
I also bought some things online. Nooooooo.

The longest day in school is yet to come...

Cross My Mind [Twin Forks]

From time to time

You cross my mind

Good company is hard to find

From time to time

You cross my mind

So stay with me

Just for the night

....................

Today marks the first anniversary of my teaching life. Not married life, it's teaching life. Yeah, see the difference. I am such a passionate teacher. Ahha.

Initially I have five periods of teaching on Wednesday. If I were to include one hour being in the Koperasi, then I think I have approximately 6 and a half periods of being with students on every Wednesday. However, since today is the first anniversary, my school decided to give me one more period for relief class. Wow. It's like they can sense my enthusiasm for the first anniversary, they generously gave me one more extra period. So in total, I had 7 and a half periods today. Waittttt. That's not all. All of the sudden, when I was rushing to eat after the relief class (I haven't eaten since morning until 9.30 a.m), somebody told me a parent wanted to see me. Wow, what an exciting combination for the first anniversary.

Later today, as I were about to catch my breath, I suddenly had the urge to look at my handphone. It was around 1.10 p.m when I read a text from a teacher saying that I need to key in the students' TOV (take off value) and ETR (estimated targeted result) before 2 p.m. Great. As I were about to get off my comfy chair, PFFFTTT, there was no electricity. Yeaaaaaahhhhhhh. Surprise surpriseeeeee.

Thinking that nothing I could do and why not make myself famous during the meeting later for not completing the marks, I quickly headed for the co-curricular activity. And yeah, my name came up during the meeting, but well, today is my first anniversary, so yeah, why bother?

Apart from that, my name also came up for not updating the students' attendance for three days in a row. Hey, you guys can't blame me, there was no internet connection for three days in a row at school, so how do you expect me to update that online? Oh well, I have become famous for a wrong reason now, but yeah, why bother?

After the looooooong meeting, I reached home around 6 p.m today and if you wonder how I celebrate my first anniversary of teaching, here is the list of things I do to celebrate this historical day:

1. By completing the TOV and ETR. 
2. By listening to random songs in my playlist.
3. By jumping with joy (figuratively) upon knowing that the site (you and I know which site I am talking about) is publicly opened at last he he he he he he.
4. By writing this looooooong post.
5. By waiting for me to finish this post so that I can watch a new drama entitled 'It's Okay, That's Love.' I love the OST in the drama, soooo refreshing!

..........................

The thing I loved the most - and still love the most about teaching- 

is that you can connect with an individual or a group, 

and see that individual or group exceed their limits.

Mike Krzyzewski

: 1st April 2015.

: 9.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today also marks the first day of the GST implementation in Malaysia.

This month is going to be soooooo eventful.

Just wait and see.