Let me fangirl for a while.

Why did you come? 
Where were you?

It seems like it’s a bit late 
but we finally meet

Do you believe in love?

Is this fate?

I keep hearing sweet words

You’re smiling in front of me,

I tightly hold your hand next to you

I look at you with eyes overflowing with love

A song automatically comes out

with my especially light steps. 
Is it because

it resembles you? 
This melody is beautiful

Why do I keep smiling?

Why do I keep looking at my phone?

People around me keep saying that I changed

Why am I like this?

Why do I keep thinking of you?

I guess the love I dreamed of is you

Why did you come now?

Why Did You Come Now- I Hear Your Voice OST [Jung Yup]

.....................

Seriously, what should I do to keep him away from my heart?

I feel like keeping him in my pocket. Aishhh.

This is getting out of hand now.

: 7th November 2015.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: How can he look so cute when he is at the same age as me?
And how can he just enter my heart without my permission?
I guess I am crazy now. I should get a grip of my life.

That smile, aishhh stop it.

Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet

Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry

Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes

But I really mean it when I say I like you

[Let's Not Fall in Love, Big Bang]

....................

"I hope one day

someone asks you

about him

and you laugh

instead of feeling

a double edged

dagger on your chest."

....................

"As long as you are performing prayer,

you are knocking at the door of Allah,

and whoever is knocking at the door of Allah,

Allah will open it for him."

-Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah

: 7th August 2015.

: 7.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today is one of the days where an old book, online stories and Big Bang's songs

bring happiness despite the raging storms and dark clouds of thoughts

that are lingering and surrounding my poor, fragile, messed-up soul.

Soulmates, emails, updates and memories.

When you lose your way and the fight is gone,

Your heart starts to break

And you need someone around now.

Just close your eyes while I put my arms above you,

And make you unbreakable.

Jamie Scott - Unbreakable 

....................

Looking back at last holiday, I spent more time in the house than going out. It's not that I don't want to go out and hang out with my dear friends, but the thing is, things are never the same anymore. Most of my friends are unreachable now. One of my dearest is already married, so she's off the list. I can't bring myself to ask her out like I used to. To be honest with you, I am starting to feel lonely, especially when holidays are approaching. I am no longer a teenager with a lot of free time to kill. That particular statement is starting to sink in my brain and as soon as it hits me, I am beginning to understand that; first, my friends are no longer teenagers too; second, they are grown-ups with work, commitment and love lives to attend to; and third, we are no longer bound with the same holiday time (except Eid, Christmas and Chinese New Year holidays). So, that means holidays are no longer the same now, and my list of friends to hang out with is getting shorter month by month. 

However, despite that, I still have my 'siblings time' which I am beginning to love. My siblings and I have been developing this weird habit of watching night movies together at the nearest cinema since last year. Though some of the movies that we watched were kinda lame and money-wasting, it is the time that we spend together that makes it worth the money and time. Well, that was until I realised my purse was no longer thick, I had to recalculate the importance of this 'siblings time' for future reference. Still, we did have fun! Hehehe.

Have I told you I am getting forgetful too? Oh yes. I don't know whether I should blame it on my aging process or my brain's lack of exercise but I tend to forget things easily these days. Being said that, I forgot to bring my laptop charger back to Jeli. So, in the end, I had to survive one whole week in Jeli without laptop. Thank God I changed my handphone last year. At least I can still browse through the internet using my handphone. So instead of just randomly browsing through Facebook and stalking people whom I never made any acquaintance with, I opted to reading since our broadband data was nearing its quota. Yeah, I have been reading non-stop since my laptop was lifeless.

I indeed have a lot of fun reading as I was going through a bunch of stories posted in a site which I almost forgot about its existence. Almost. Oh, my heart was going to burst from all the mixed feelings I have been having while reading those cute, awesome and beautifully written stories. Some of the stories are sooooooo beautifully written and I ended up drowning in the storyline and almost choked in the sea of feelings for falling in love with the characters. Who said we cannot fall in love with stories? I can, and I am falling in love with the characters as each chapter unfolds. *sigh* Oh, how can you, dear writers write soooooooo damn well? 

I am so in love with the stories that I decided to become a member of the site so I can privilegedly read the stories over and over again. In between my excitement and eagerness, I didn't realise that the site was in the middle of reconstruction and has yet to be opened to public. Without knowing how, I became a member and the admins were puzzled by this. I ended up getting a chain of emails asking how did I find and navigate myself through the 'reconstruction' as they called it. I was totally clueless. Did I just hack into the system without me knowing? Wow, I didn't know that I, the technically incompetent human being in technology wise, have the capability of being a hacker. Wow. I am blown away by this. Wow.

And my days could never be any eventful without the radio I have been listening to (using my handphone of course). Thank you, radio. Thank you, radio announcers for such awesome songs you guys played. 

Oh well, struggling days without visual entertainment are finally ending. Today, I got a parcel from my mom with a laptop charger in it. Thanks Mom, love you so much!

.........................

“I believe you’re apologizing to me.”

He chuckled.  “And you’re not making it easy for me.”

: 29th March 2015.

: 10.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I hope the writers will keep updating the stories 
because I had enough of unfinished love stories in real life now.
Please don't disappoint me. Ahha.

Take me to your loving arms.

Maybe we found love right where we are

“When trouble strikes, head to the library. You will either be able to solve the problem, or simply have something to read as the world crashes down around you.” 

- Lemony Snicket

..................

“Are you ready?" Klaus asked finally.
"No," Sunny answered.
"Me neither," Violet said, "but if we wait until we're ready we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives, Let's go.”  

― Lemony Snicket, The Ersatz Elevator

...................

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same 

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

-Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud

..................

: 28th October 2014.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am officially a library teacher now yeaaahhhh.

And thanks to my two friends who are also library teachers,

whatsapping with them makes me feel better and more relaxed.

Keep calm and show 'em who's the boss.

Written on these walls are the colours that I can't change

Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage

I know that in the morning now I see us in the light upon a hill

Although I am broken, my heart is untamed, still

...................

Today, I had an English lesson; two periods with one of my Form 4 classes. I have been planning the lesson since last night as I wanted to finish my ULBS with the students. ULBS is a speaking assessment that a student must go through a few times in a year. I planned to get them think about healthy skin and ways to achieve it as the set induction. As they already familiar with the topic, I thought that after that I can give them a text about skin and while they are reading, I can call a few students to my desk to do the ULBS. See, at least other students will have something to focus on while I do my ULBS. Therefore, I was more than confident that I would be able to finish the ULBS by today. However, there are times in life when things will not go as what we have planned. And yeah, one of the times in my life was today. I repeat, today.

In between the set induction and the next stage of my lesson, I decided to walk around the class and ask their understanding of the topic while passing out the text to each student. As I asked around, I noticed that one female student looked so pale and dazed out.

As I gave the text to the student next to her, I asked her, "Dear, are you okay? You look pale. Are you sick? Do you want to go to the sick bay?" 

She then just looked at me and said nothing. Literally nothing. Okay. Whatever.

So, I just shrugged my shoulder and moved to another table to give out the text. I then told them to read while I called for a student to come to my desk and do the ULBS with me. Taking out all the sheets and materials needed, I then called a name. The student with a shy smile came and sat. So, I began the ULBS by asking her about how does she feel today, what did she do last night and as I was about to ask her to elaborate on her points, suddenly a student screamed.

"Teacher! Someone fainted!"

OMG. Someone just fainted. That someone was the student whom I just asked about her well-being. She fainted. In my class. Fainted. In. My. Class. During. My. Lessonnnnnnnnnn.

I was so grateful to the Almighty for blessing me with the calm demeanour that I practically able to put on in this type of situation. I was so shocked beyond words in the inside but on the outside, I kept a straight face and asked all the boys to stand back a few metres away from her. After that, I instructed a few girls to help lying her on the combined chairs. I then asked the girls to take off her shoes and socks and told them to fan her. A student tried to sprinkle water on her face while the other one massaged her head and hand. The situation went a bit out of control as more than half of the class tried to get closer to the scene and look at what was happening. I had to shoo them away and forced them to continue reading the text and respect the fainted girl by not stealing the oxygen and the space that she needed at that time. Urgh, I too needed space at that time. Shoo shoo.

I tried to call the teachers who were on duty but I could not reach them. I then tried to call other teachers but man, of all times, my handphone decided to fail me. One of the boys then asked my permission to call the teacher next door and before I could say anything, he shouted for the teacher to come to my class. And, thanks to that, four more teachers came to the rescue.

Two teachers volunteered to send her home and there I was, with all the sweat and mess, went into the class and continued to teach. I had twenty more minutes before the two periods lesson ended, so yeah. Back to the lesson, kids!

What an interesting day, right? Oh, I forgot to add 'tiring'. Yeahhhhhh.

......................

Keep calm and control the class like a boss.

: 2nd September 2014.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am in need of a new handphone.

"...just find out my love was free."

how to travel in time: read

how to escape time: music

how to feel time: write

how to waste time: social media

.....................

I seldom went online on Facebook because I feel it is too heavy for the slow internet connection and for my antique laptop (I am afraid to use the word 'old' because my laptop will feel insulted :p ). Today, as the internet connection was a bit faster than usual, I decided to go on Facebook. Oh my, a lot of sweet posts on my timeline. Ohhh, the happy faces and the sweet posts made me contagiously happy. I then posted a few random notes on a few of my friends' wall and commented here and there. And here I am, looking at the time and noooooooo, I missed my afternoon nap (padahal lepas subuh sambung tido sampai pukul berapa, mashaAllah ish ish ish teruk teruk). 

Oh well, it's not an everyday occasion to see me disturbing people on Facebook. The truth is, I miss all my friends. I hope they are doing fine wherever they are. 

.....................

All I want from you is to see tomorrow,

And every tomorrow, 

maybe you'll let me borrow

your heart

: 8th August 2014.

: 04.55 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: There is one newly-wed couple (my secondary school friend),

which I find very sweet and look extremely cute together.

They showed me how distance is never an obstacle in love.

Ohhhh, jelly nyeeeee saya~ ahhahha

It's raining and I have a new wiper yeaaahhhhhh

Kerna separuh aku, dirimu

As I was planning for my English lessons, the radio that I have been listening to since the beginning of the lesson planning played this song. And since that, I have been listening to this song until I-don't-know-how-many times. Ahha. 

Adakah ini gara-gara tekanan yang menerjah jiwa?

Mungkin...

: 20th January 2013.

: 10.45 p.m.

: Kelantan, Malaysia.

: I was feeling a bit cheesy. I probably need more sleep.

...and build a lego house.

When things go wrong we can knock it down [Lego House, Ed Sheeran]

And it's dark in a cold December,

but I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broke I'll mend ya

and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

: 5th December 2012.

: 10.04 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be insane 

by those who could not hear the music.

Asu wa kuru kara.

When the rain falls, I'll be the umbrella that covers you

When the wind blows, I'll be the wall that shields you

And however deep the dark of night,

Tomorrow will surely come

I want to tell only you

That tomorrow will surely come

..............

You have remained the child, always joking around and cheering everyone up with your personality, full of humility, looking at life positively, full of opportunities and no regrets.

You have remained the strong man, living through so many obstacles, so many troubles, but have continued to live with passion in everything you do, putting on the brightest, fatal smile and making your loud, obnoxious laugh heard in the darkest of times.

Happy birthday, dear cute dolphin boy.

: 15th December 2011.

: 02.50 a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Hanataba? Habatana? Tanabata?
Oh, need to watch that again.

Routine.

I want to stop the time, and stay next to you forever

Starry, starry night

Paint your palette blue and gray.

Look out on a summer’s day

With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.

Shadows on the hills.

Sketch the trees and the daffodils;

Catch the breeze and the winter chills

In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me,

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen,

they did not know how.

Perhaps they’ll listen now.

Starry, starry night

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze

Swirling clouds in violet haze

Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue.

Colors changing hue

Morning fields of amber grain,

Weathered faces lined in pain

Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand.

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me,

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen;

they did not know how.

Perhaps they’ll listen now.

For they could not love you

But still, your love was true.

And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night

You took your life as lovers often do.

But I could’ve told you, Vincent:

This world was never meant

For one as beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night:

Portraits hung in empty halls:

Frameless heads on nameless walls

With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget;

Like the strangers that you’ve met:

The ragged men in ragged clothes.

The silver thorn, a bloody rose

Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know

What you tried to say to me,

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen;

they’re not listening still.

Perhaps they never will. 

: 28th September 2011.

: 04.18 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: My dearest cat, Maow went missing since five days ago.

They said she won't be coming home anymore.

Roti Canai.

The Place Promised in Our Early Days.

I was always thinking about you while walking along this road

Some has changed and some has not

The meaning or definition of happiness may vary from person to person

But at least I have the place I can call home here

Time flows and never stops. But how to live tomorrow

I will choose it as my heart tells me

I want to send you as much “thank you” as possible in any way I can now

That’s the reason I’m here

I cried because you were crying

But it’s not from sadness

I’m so happy to see you are here

That tears well up in my eyes

The promise we made looking up the clear sky

I think back on it whenever I feel a little down

The sky of today is just like the sky of that day…Just the same

Certainly, it has not changed

I sing because you are watching

It’s not for anything else

Just the fact you are there

Makes joy well up in my heart

I couldn't forget you, there’s no way I can forget you

The smile in front of me is so precious to me

I've been wanting to see you, It’s great to finally see you again

Please stay with me for the rest of our life

: 17th September 2011.

: 18 Syawal 1432H.

: 10.25 a.m.

: Malaysia.
: The weather has been rather unpredictable these days, 
which surprisingly resembles the state of my heart and soul. 

Make You Feel My Love.

When the rain

Is blowing in your face

And the whole world

Is on your case

I could offer you

A warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows

And the stars appear

And there is no one there

To dry your tears

I could hold you

For a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you

Haven't made

Your mind up yet

But I would never

Do you wrong

I've known it

From the moment

That we met

No doubt in my mind

Where you belong

I'd go hungry

I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling

Down the avenue

No, there's nothing

That I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging

On the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

Though winds of change

Are throwing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing

Like me yet

I could make you happy

Make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends

Of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love

Jpop: Code.

今以上を欲しがる僕は　世間しらずなガキですか？
Ima ijyou wo hoshigaru boku wa seken shirazu na gaki desu ka
Am I naïve for wanting more than I have now?  

求めるよりも与えろと諭すのですか？
Motomeru yorimo ataero to satosu no desu ka
Are you going to suggest that I should be giving instead of receiving?  

永遠なんて無いよと牽制してもいい
Eien nante naiyo to kensei shitemo ii
You can warn me that there is no such thing as forever,  

でも僕はね光ってみたい共に
Demo boku wa ne hikatte mitai tomoni
But I want to shine with you, 

 例え一瞬だけでも
Tatoe isshun dakedemo
Even if it's just for a moment.

: 10th March 2011.
: Plymouth, U.K.
: 01.55 a.m.
: I want to spend my free time watching Ouran High School anime after this. 

Kinda miss Honey-senpai and his "honto?". Kawaii~

But when I think again, I have a few assignments to be completed. Oh.

Daijoubun.

I want to protect you.

"It's alright"
Even with just those words
If I could embrace your uneasy nights
Until the time you fall asleep
I will just become a blanket and hug you


From the time that humans are born　
Everyone would have used the same pair of small hands to cry
That's why it is fine to remain like that


Because I want to protect you, because I want to keep protecting you
I am here, I would like you to believe that
Because it is alright to cry when you feel like crying
It is ok to not pretend to be strong and to not endure.


Because I want to protect you, because I want to protect you even more
The things that I can do, I would like you to tell me
In order for you to be able to smile at all times
I will prepare a warm place
Because I love you~


You will be able to do it again, even for a few times
Do not be afraid of the things which do not go smoothly
As much as the many times that you were hurt　
You will be able to strongly greet a gentle tomorrow


In order to take a trip during our life
There will also be times where we backtrack while losing our way
But the path has been found.


Because I want to protect you, because I want to keep protecting you
I am here, I would like you to believe that
It is ok even if you come to a stop, it is ok even if you lose
My feelings for you will not change


Because I want to protect you, because I want to protect all of you
I would like you to support my loneliness too
Don't forget, I am here as your friend
Even on rainy days, even when we can't meet from far
Because I love you~


For the eclipsed moon to be full again
For the rainbow to appear when the rain has stopped
Even sadness will someday become a shining star
We will be joint to hope, shining star


Because I want to protect you, because I want to keep protecting you
I am here, I would like you to believe that
Because it is alright to cry when you feel like crying
It is ok to not pretend to be strong and to not endure


Because I want to protect you, because I want to protect you even more
The things that I can do, I would like you to tell me
In order for you to be able to smile at all times
I will prepare a warm place
baby you have all my love, no matter when　
I will keep looking at you. 
Because I love you~

Candles.

Pernah langkahku payah

Menuju ke destinasi

Kerana malam gelap

Dan bintang hilang kerdipnya

Menjadikan arahku keliru

Ke timur atau ke barat

Bagai lilin membakar diri

Menerangi kegelapan hati

Kau curahkan bakti dan budi

Jasamu tiada berganti

Namun tanpa rasa payah

Dia memimpin tanganku

Melangkah satu persatu

Dan mencipta jejak impian

Menjadikan arahku jelas

Aku harus ke hadapan

Ohoo... aku kini rindu

Pada satu nama yang berjasa

Tuhan... beri kekuatan

Untuk mendidikku selamanya

Ku pohon restu kasihmu

Ampunkanlah guru-guruku

Semalam ku lihat dia

Di bibirnya ada kalimah

Yang bergetar saban waktu

Sambil tangan menggenggam lilin

Lilin yang tiada terpadam

Menerangi hidupku kini

Song title: Lilin Seorang Guru

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvBJR9YvVZ8&feature=related

*The very same song my schoolmates would sing every Teachers' Day in my former secondary school. 
Dear Irshadians, don't you guys miss to hear this song performed on our school stage again? 
If you guys don't, I do.

: 29th November 2010.

: 10.51 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Suddenly thinking of this song. 
I don't have to wait for a specific day like Teachers' Day to post this song, do I? 
Seriously, I miss all my teachers. I tried to remember all those faces and names but I just couldn't do so.
Dear teachers, no matter who or where you are, I pray that you will always be blessed by Him. 
Thanks for who I am now.

My Mom is Amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BumWAcktEbU&feature=related

I love the lyrics of this song.

Why?

Because my mom is amazing!

But, as I listen to the ending of this song, the last few sentences of the lyrics struck me.

Try listening to this song and you will know.

: 28th November 2010.

: 10.00 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Thank you Allah for my mother. 
Please take a good care of her just like she takes a good care of me since I was small. 
No, my mistake. I take that back. 
Please take a good care of her more than she takes care of me. 
Why? Because, I love her so much. As much as she loves me. 

Serenade.

Both hands tremble... as I remembered the cold memories of love

Now it is getting weirder
I don't wish to reject you, but I just know that...
No matter how close we are
I know that I can't love you anymore
I can't miss you... Waiting for you makes me tired
I can't endure anymore, and I can't take it

The name I loved once in this life 

Has becoming further and further away from me 

I am writing your name on a paper,

 and forever kept it in my heart 

From that day I only realized that I will only loved you forever

 Love that can't be together can also be known as LOVE 

I can't handle the love memories and feelings alone
I can't start this, I can only miss you secretly in my heart
My heart only left your body fragrance that I missed and always loved

The name I loved once in this life 

Has becoming further and further away from me

 I am writing your name on a paper, 

and forever kept it in my heart 

From that day I only realized that I will only loved you forever

 Love that can't be together can also be known as LOVE 

Thousands of times remembering the first time our eyes met
And stolen an edge of my heart without noticing

The name I loved once in this life 

Has becoming further and further away from me

 I am writing your name on a paper, 

and forever kept it in my heart 

From that day I only realized that I will only loved you forever

 Love that can't be together can also be known as LOVE