A note on LDR.

I miss you like crazy [The Moffats]

A tree begins with a seed, so imagine, every thought you have, is a seed waiting to be planted. Whether positive or negative, once it leaves your mouth, you give it effect. This, is when the seed is planted. Then the tree begins to grow based upon those words. So whether you're doubting and talking/ thinking negative of yourself/ another person or the situation you are in, or positive about things, about growing and getting through whatever it is you're facing, or achieving goals whatever it may be- what you think has an impact and it is temporary as it can leave instantly, but what escapes your lips is even bigger and can be permanent when the seed is planted. It determines which way you'll go, so think before you speak.

-ka.hyx 

[taken from a post on Instagram]

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If you were to ask me how do I feel being in a long distance relationship, let me tell you, it is not easy. I might not be the best person to tell you this as I am new in this LDR thingy (two years can be considered as new right?) but in that period, things did get messy.

For those who've known me through and through, you'd probably know what I meant by messy. I am a messy person with complicated thoughts. With distance between us, I admit there were times I doubted this whole thing. During those times I felt like quitting, like running away, like calling it off. I felt unloved, I was jealous of stupid things, I ignored his texts out of blue, I refused to call and all those stupid messy things that only I had the heart to do. Not only that, I also envied others who had time to meet and upload the evidence of their sweet moments together and I even loathed them for doing so. That is why I have unfollowed certain people and I have removed some of my followers on Instagram (oppss, sorry if I removed you).  Mannn, social media seriously is bad for my positive growth. I need to learn to be more grateful of my own blessings.

Well, other than emotion-wise, in terms of financial, mannnnn ohhh mannnnn, to meet means to spend money; A LOT of money. There is no common place for us to meet. If I were to go and meet him, I need to stay over at someone's place. If not, I will have to stay in a hotel, which means, more money to spend. If I don't want to stay over, then I have to spend only a few hours meeting him before I go off to Malacca. The journey to Malacca and to his place takes two hours. If I were to meet him when I were in Malacca, I have to take a bus early in the morning and then reach there around noon, spend a few hours together and then late evening I will have to take a bus to go back to Malacca. 4 flipping hours on the bus and almost a hundred Ringgit for the ticket. *sigh* How can I not envy those who can meet up during weekends when I can only meet him a few months once? Tell me how, just tell meeeeeee.

But, thankfully, despite all those mood swing moments, all those messy things, all those money gone down the drain, this still stands. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah for making this work. Without Him, I don't know how will this survive. And without his patience and money (my money of course)........I just don't want to write it down hahaha.

You might think awwww that's so sweet, you're so lucky and whatnot, but honestly, no pain no gain. This reminds me of my most favourite anime series; Fullmetal Alchemist. Okayyyy this is soooo random but yeah, in that anime, the principle of alchemy is: equivalent exchange. If you want to achieve something, you have to give something of the same value. With that being said, if you want to make a relationship work, you have to work for it. As simple as that. 

Easy said than done, huh? True, but seriously, it takes two to tango. Both have to work for it of course. And of course, do not, I repeat, do not underestimate the power of a prayer. Make du'a. Have faith in Him. He is the Owner of every heart, so pray to Him. 

As for you, who are still searching or who are trying to make something work, may Allah ease. I pray that whatever messy thoughts you are having, they will be put to an end one day. *virtual hugs

..............................

Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend time alone in exchange for a little time with people they love. It's for those who know good things worth to wait, even the waiting is pain.

[taken from a post on Instagram]

.......................

: 29th October 2017.

: 7.54 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: It is a miracle that the internet connection in my area allows me to blog.

Well, that is a blessing. Alhamdulillah, may this last...foreverrrrrrrrr.

Untitled, 2017

If I can only once see you [Untitled, GDragon]

..........................

: 8th June 2017.

: 1.20 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I don't why I am so hormonal these days.

I'll be happy then the next second I'll be sad and then without a warning, I'll be so moody.

Just so you know, my emotions might change, but my heart still remains the same.

Privacy breached?

The ticking of the clock

Let me ask you one question.

How would you feel if someone opened your letter before you?

Oh, another question.

What would you feel if someone checked your result (online) before you? And without your consent? How would you respond to that?

......................

For some people, they might think that heyy it is nothing. You might think that you can do that and get away being forgiven by that person if you are close to that person. But, please think about it one more time. Would you like it if you were waiting for that result yourself, but then someone came along and said, "Heyy, I know your result. I checked it just now." Come on, ask yourself that one.

Oh, you might say I will be okay with that because I don't mind people spoiling the ending of certain movies. But no. It is totally not the same with movie spoiler. Why? Because this is my personal stuff. My result. Not yours. Not anybody's.

I am honestly sad and disappointed that this happened to me. I just don't know whether I am being over-dramatic or oversensitive but never in my life I would do that to others. I still remember how some of my friends used to say how they don't like it if people scroll the photos in their handphone without their consent. Even though this is not the same thing, still it is a breach of privacy.

Never in my life I would use my friend's ID and all to check their results. Because I know, they have the rights to check their own results before me. It is their affairs. Their personal result. And if I am dying to know, I will come up to them and ask them. If we are close, of course they will end up telling. Because to sneak around and check their results without them knowing is totally a breach of privacy. And it shows how you don't respect them to give them the rights to know their own results first. 

The moment I knew someone checked my result before me, I was speechless. I didn't know what to reply. And after some time, the disappointment kicked in. I have tried my best to think positive out of this and I guess people make mistakes; especially when they are excited or nervous. But I hope this won't happen again; to me and to you. Because believe me, the feelings are ugly.

Remember, everyone is entitled to know their own matter first. Unless they tell you to check for them. Respect them enough to ask them first. Let this be a lesson to us all.

...............................

: 29th May 2017.

: 2.45 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I just checked my egtukar result a few minutes ago.

He said, "All that glitters is not gold."

Up until today, I just don't understand how; with my messy mind and complicated thoughts, I am loved by others. I have a lot weaknesses, plus, no matter how people see me as someone who is calm and can help people in sorting their thoughts (I think), I am still a person who has a lot of insecurities and doubts about myself.

Always, not just sometimes, I feel rather unloved. Not that people around me don't love me enough, in fact they love me more than I deserve, but I always have this stupid thought that they just love me because I need love and support. One of my friends used to scold me a lot because of this stupid, irrational thought. But no matter how, I can't stop thinking that way once in a blue moon. 

I know it is unfair for those who truly, genuinely love me. My family, for example. I know they love me so much, but when things are difficult, I want them to be by my side but mannnn, being in Jeli, distance just sucks. Oh, not just distance. The phone line also sucks, which contributes to poor internet connection. Oh man, you never know how much cursing I have done every single time the line has failed me. I know patience is a virtue, but hey, try being here and tell me about it.

I know I don't do justice to Jeli by condemning this place only. I admit, Jeli is a peaceful place, full of trees and by being surrounded by hills, the air is so fresh and most of the mornings are so cold (a good kind of cold) in which I like so much. Have I mentioned to you about the traffic? Oh man, the traffic is sooooooooooooo not like Penang. Traffic jam? Nah-neverrrrr. Oh, I take it back, once there was a traffic jam though, thanks to Le Tour de Langkawi. Not that I am complaining though, because.....sports is lifeeeeeee (at least to my beloved ones). I should see the good things in Jeli, right? I know, I know. But please, try to understand meeeeeeee.

So, at the end of this long post, I just want to say I thank Allah for you. Yes, you who without fail will love me despite all my messy thoughts and all my dark sides. Thanks, dear you (you know who you are). No matter what I might say or do, deep down I do cherish your presence in my life. Please continue to love me okay? 

.............................................

Grammar note:

'You' can be a singular subject (pronoun)

or a plural subject.

You decide. 

Hihi.

: 12th March 2017.

: 8.42 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: My mom has transferred to Malacca.

So now I have two homes; one in Penang and one in Malacca.

Oh, distanceeeeeeeee. Sakit bahu cheq nak drive jauhhh.

Love (life) talk.

Your love is all I need [DBSK]

How a person reacts to your sadness 

says a lot about how long they're going to be in your life.

......................... 

Last night, one of my dearest friends called me. It has been a while since we last talked to each other, but once we greeted each other, it felt like old times. Times when we would lie on the bed, talking about a lot of things until the wee hours. 

We talked about a lot of things, mind you we were on the phone for almost two hours! Haha. See, a lot of catching up to do. We talked about schools, colleagues, SPM examination, students, our plan for the upcoming trip and love life. 

You might start assuming things about our love lives, romantic stuffs and all but no, this time we weren't talking about how romantic our love lives are. Personally for me, it is not a good thing to always share about the sweet or good things of your relationship to others. I always feel that if I keep sharing such things with others, I kinda shove my happiness in their face. And if the person I am sharing with has a slighlty so-not-sweet relationship, it feels like I kinda rub a lot of salt to their wound. Okay, people might not feel that way though but you never know. 

Okay, the thing is, when you are approaching your late 20s and you are not yet married, people around you will start being such a busybody. In our case, teachers mostly started to ask about our relationship status. Even if we told them we are getting to know someone, they won't believe a word we said. For them, if we already have someone, we should be married by now. Some of them started to meddle with your love life by matching you up with people they thought compatible with you. Oh well, if they do it discreetly, it won't be a problem, but when they do it indiscreetly, the other side will start thinking that they have the support of everyone and since you are not yet 'attached', they have a chance with you. And when that happens, problems will start to arise. That's what we hate the most. Okay, hate might be a strong word to use but hey who would like to face this kind of problems?

I know at this stage, most of my friends at my age are already married and most of them already have kids. Some might read this and find that this problem is nothing to be bothered about, but hey, everyone is having their own battle, so please be kind. 

.........................

 No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone. So stop worrying and focus on those who love and care for you.

: 26th November 2016.

: 9.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Oh yes, I am still in Jeli. I am not yet in Penang.

One more SPM paper and off I will go back to Penang.

Undefined thoughts.

The One That Got Away [Katy Perry]

"The amount of love we receive in our lives is directly proportional to the love we give ourselves and others. As you increase your self-love you attract more love in your life."

-Matthew Boggs

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Truth be told, I am not a planner. My whole family seldom do a proper plan to almost everything. That is why I grow up not becoming a planner. However, I am so blessed with friends who plan. These friends of mine, I always respect them for the way they plan things, the way they organise what and which go first and what comes next, the way they prepare things ahead of time and the way they imagine what kind of things they want later in life. To say I don't do all those is entirely not true, I do imagine things and know what I want later in life, but to properly plan towards my future life is just what I suck at. 

In one of my conversations with my dear friends, she told me I can start planning things from now on. She even said I am lucky to have a goal to work on and I can get things done by next year. But the thing is, I don't even know what am I doing at the moment. I have no plans, I don't know what is in store for me, I don't even know what to do and I just don't have any preparation at all for my future. All I do is to just go to school, do my job, go back and rest, hang out with friends, spend money on food and all the finer things in life and get my salary. Saving? Oh no, please don't ask me that. I don't even know where do all my money go. So how can you be so sure I will get things done by next year? Because seriously, I don't think I can. Unless, there is a miracle. Or a twist of plan. Or anything. Or whatever, I am just too lazy to think about it.

Honestly, I don't really like it when people say that hey, you ought to get married by next year. Or hey, you should have at least ten thousands in the bank at this stage. Or hey, you should have a house by now. People have their own pace in accomplishing all these. So please, if a person is unable to accomplish one of those, please don't judge them. It is unfair to say that a person who has no saving in the bank is a spendthrift. Who knows he or she has to use up all the money for the family? It is unfair to say that a person is unattractive or unworthy of love or even too choosy if he or she is not yet married by the age of 30 years old. Who knows that he or she has tried her best getting to know a lot of people, but no one is willing to understand him or her? Who knows? 

So dear friends, please be considerate in giving remarks for life goals or accomplishments. Not all people are as blessed as you. So, please. 

...........................

"You are only invisible to those who do not deserve to see you."

: 9th October 2016.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Let's fast tomorrow, dearest.

I wanted to take CRK, but I couldn't.

"Whats wrong with you people, don't you have enough of your life that you HAVE TO CHECK ON other people's lives everyday ? Life is not all about you, you and you. Its about helping the poor, contribute to the society and make the world a better place to live. If you die today, aren't you ashamed to meet the God? You're full of yourselves, didn't help the orphanage, you threw litters everywhere. How dare you gonna meet Allah with that attitude?"

A slap to me. Yes, me.

..........................

People always say teachers have the most holidays than any other people. With the school holidays, I understand why people always think that we do have more holidays compared to others. However, people don't really know that teachers have a lot more going on during holidays. Oh well, not all teachers though but yes, most of the times, and most teachers always, always have something going on during holidays. Name it; camps, courses, being a warden, camps, courses again, extra classes, sports practice, extra classes, ohhh marking exam papers, marking again, key in students' data and marks, marking again and urghhhh the list goes on and on. Yes, teachers should have fun with kids, yes we should, but being kids is seriously a daunting job, my dear friends. 

Oh well, who asked you to be teachers, you might say. Yes, yes, yes. We should never complain because that is our job. But my dear friends, it is not the job that we complain, it is the extra burden that we complain. Everything must be done online. But mind you, not all schools have proper internet connection. Being in Jeli, internet connection is not that good. At days, the line will be so perfect you can even watch videos, but most of the time, the page you want to open will be loading and loading and loaaaaadiiiiingggggg zzzZzZZz.

Opps, no no no I don't want to talk about line and work and kids. I want to talk about holidays. Yes, we do have a lot of holidays but not all holidays we are free from work. In case you guys don't know this, let me tell you what if we need a few days off but it is not during school holidays? Okay, for example, you need to attend your cousin's wedding but since the journey will take some time, you need to add a few days off. My friends, for teachers to take days off for personal matters, let me tell you, it is NOT easy. 

Teachers all over Malaysia are only allowed to take 7 days for Cuti Rehat Khas (we call it CRK) throughout the year. Wait, wait. You cannot take CRK for fun. There are only a few circumstances that make you eligible to take CRK. Circumstances like death of closest family members, religious affairs, attending convocation and a few more I can't list at the moment. Even if we have these 7 days throughout the year, we teachers have to apply online and wait for the principal to validate our holidays. If he or she doesn't validate the CRK, mind you, you cannot have your days off. Alaaaaa all teachers have a lot of holidays, right? Why do you need more? My dear friends, let say your parents want to perform Hajj. You need to send them off, right? So, you need to take a few days off. But, first you have to apply. Unfortunately, you cannot use the CRK to extend your holidays. 

So, what if your parents are going off on Sunday and you are teaching in Kelantan; which means you have school on Sunday. Since you have school on Sunday, you need to extend your weekend. From two days of weekend to three days of weekend. And mind you, on Monday you have to work. But, if let say you are from Penang and you have to drive to Kelantan. Won't it take hours? So, after you send them off, you need to drive as fast as you can to Kelantan. Ha ha ha. 

This is the part that I hate the most. Principal will not allow you to take CRK. Some principals will just tell you to take MCs instead. Mind you, we have to cheat. I hate this cheating part. It makes me feel so guilty. That guilt is eating me from the inside. Yes, it is. Still eating me from the inside. I feel like my salary is not clean for cheating but I have to do that since the principal didn't allow me to take CRK. Urgh. 

From what I know, other jobs, you have like 20 days of leave (correct me if I am wrong, I am ignorant at times) throughout the year. Even if you cannot have long holidays like school holidays, you guys still can take leave in the middle of the year or whenever you want. Even though your bosses might or might not give permission, still, your holidays are more flexible. Like my mom, she can extend her holidays. She can also take time off if she is late to work due to traffic jam and all. Teachers? No, we cannot do that. Even if you are travelling from Kota Bharu (which takes around 2 hours the max to Jeli), you need to punch no later than 7.40 a.m. No time off, dear, not at all. Like my friends, they can take holidays when the flights are at their cheapest and they have the opportunity to travel far more cheaper than during school holidays. I envy them for that.

Oh well, I know you guys might have a lot more to say. I know doctors are the people who have the most difficult time to take leave or to go on holidays. I know. But please, please don't say to our face that we are soooo lucky to have school holidays. I need holidays during school days too. There are certain matters we need to do during school days. 

Plus, to travel during school holidays use up a lot of money. Hotels are expensive, flights are expensive, there will be traffic jams, there will be lots of people urgh I hate it. I don't like crowded places. So please dear, don't assume that we can just take leave like that. I have a lot of camps during the weekends now. SPM is around the corner, urgh. This time of the year is the busiest time ever. 

: 23rd September 2016.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Why did they organise Family Day on Saturday?

I need to drive to Kelantan on Saturdays because I have schools on Sundays.

Tell me how can I drive from Malacca to Kelantan on Saturday night?

Alone? How? So, how? 

What love is.

Have I told you lately that I love you [Rod Steward]

What is love? My gorgeous housemate and I always have this conversation of what is love. I guess most of us do. To be honest with you, I do not know what love is supposed to mean. Yeah, really. What is love, romantically speaking? Does it mean you always think about the other person? Or does it mean you are willing to do something for that person? How about actions? Words? Which one comes first? So if people love you, does it mean you have to love that person back? Or the other way around? Does love mean you have to give all your heart and come what may you will do anything for the person you love? Or does honour come first like Rudolf Rassendyll in the Prisoner of Zenda? Oh, love is complicated. 

Even if I am not in a position to fully experience what love is (romantically speaking) since I am not yet married, I have been observing how people around me love each other. And you know what I found? I found that:

1. Love is when you can speak up your thoughts without the fear of being judged.
2. Love is when you accept the other person's strengths and weaknesses alike. 
3. Love is when you do not try to change the other person to be what you have always expected them to be.
4. Love is when you still eat the meal that your beloved prepared though the taste is not up to your liking.
5. Love is when you offer to lend a hand with the house chores even if you are so d*mn tired after work.
6. Love is when you still accompany your beloved to do the things they like even if you hate doing those things (grocery shopping for example?).
7. Love is when you can afford to let your beloved laze around in pajamas during their day off (or maybe join them?).
8. Love is when you can stay next to them when they can never stop talking or crying.  
9. Love is when you let the other person has their own personal time like hanging out with their friends without you tagging along.
10. Love is when you trust the other person that you let them read through your messages.
11. Love is when you never hesitate to share the news (be it good or bad) with your beloved first before anyone else. 
12. Love is when even you disagree with the other person's thoughts or ideas, you do not raise your voice or shout right in their face.
13. Love is when you put your hand-phone down and in silent mode when you both are having your time together. 
14. Love is when you feel the other person is not doing their work, you remind them instead of keeping it inside and later on be angry with them without them knowing why.
15. Love is when you are so angry with the other one, yet you still eat together.
16. Love is when you learn to think positive and make excuses for the other one for turning up late (or forgetting to fetch you on time). 
17. Love is when you think of the other person and mention their name every time someone else (maybe a more attractive person than the one with you) try to flirt with you.
18. Love is when you still wait for the other person even if you are soooo starving or sleepy.
19. Love is when you call the other person to ask when are they coming back or when you just want to see how they are doing at work (or something).
20. Love is when you bring back the food or things they like after you have gone for a trip or an outstation.

And the most important thing is: 

• Love is when you always keep that person in your prayers.  

....................

 "If you cannot swallow your pride,

you are not thirsty enough for her love."

- Pierre Jeanty

: 27th August 2016.

: 11.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I heard one of my friends is having problems with love.

I really hope they can overcome that.

Even if I am a pessimist (at times), I do want all people to have their happily ever after.

Happy Eid Mubarak, dear.

Crush [Yuna ft Usher]

"Don't do that. Don't wish you were in another skin, that you were another person; someone prettier, someone thinner, someone with lighter skin or darker skin. You are you. And nothing can be more special than your individuality. You is sacred, you is one-of-a-kind, you is you. No one can be you. Love who you are and the world will love you back just the way you are."

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"You are only invisible to those who do not deserve to see you."

.....................

: 10th July 2016.

: 11.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: All states in Malaysia had no school today; oh well except Kelantan.

How merry and joyful it is.

Unpretty pretty.

"Fix your heart, and your heart will fix your mind."

Earlier this month, I had a random conversation with my dear friends about the rising population of pretty instafamous girls on social media especially instagram. We noticed how these girls; who most of them are wayyyy younger than us (some of them are still in their secondary school era), are so pretty until it makes us feel so not pretty in comparison.

Every single time we looked at these pretty girls' posts and photos, we would envy them for their beauty. As for me, I did not only envy them for their beauty, but inferiority complex would start kicking in. 'Why am I not as pretty as those girls?' I would ask myself that over and over again. And without me realising it, I am starting to believe that to be pretty is to look like them. I started to google on tutorials; be it make-up tutorials or hijab tutorials, I started to search for more pretty girls on instagram and I started to venture into skincare products (there goes my money haha).

Still, I can never be as pretty as those girls. And when an unexpected comment hit me, I felt so down and even worse, I felt so ugly (hahaha okayy you might think I exaggerated but hey, that's what I felt). I kept asking myself why am I not blessed with good genes. Days passed by and after I listened to my own words, I realised I was being so ungrateful to Allah who has created me.

And when I listened to a talk by Ustazah Norhafizah binti Musa on women and beauty during suhoor a few days ago, I mentally slapped myself. She was right when she said,

"When we are so busy following people's definition of beauty, we will never be able to catch up with what they want. Long time ago people used to like thin lips and eyebrow, but nowadays people like full lips and thick eyebrow instead. You will be tired catching up with never-ending and forever-changing beauty trend. Instead, it will be better if you just take care with what is given by Allah to you and keep on improving the beauty of your soul."

Subhanallah, she spoke right through my heart. So, even though I am still feeling down and feeling not-so-pretty, I will try my best to work on the beauty of my soul. First task, let's learn to be patient.

............................

"Beauty isn't about having a pretty face. 

It is about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and most importantly, a beautiful soul."

: 17th June 2016.

: 6.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just followed two beautiful people on instagram haha.

I craved for meat last week.

How you make others feel about themselves,

says a lot about you.

......................

"You will have days where you feel better, and you will have days where you want to die. Both are okay. There is no magical cure. You just need to close your eyes, and trust that waves will pass, and soon you'll be able to breathe again."

.....................

Last week, I had a mixture of emotions. Negative emotions. I woke up feeling anxious, went through my lessons feeling both tired and angry, went back home feeling both knackered and hungry, marking students' papers feeling frustrated and disappointed and went to bed feeling demotivated thinking of tomorrow in school. I don't know what came over me, but no matter how I tried lifting my mood by watching Merlin and randomly texting my friends, those negative emotions kept creeping in. 

I know bad days and bad moods will go off at some point, but what makes me even more negative is the fact that I knew I shouldn't be feeding myself with negative thoughts but I just couldn't stop myself from doing that. You know, when you of all people know that you shouldn't do something and yet you do it, you will feel even more terrible and disappointed in yourself. That's what I have been feeling for the past week.

One of my dear friends once pointed out to me that, most people see me as someone who they can share their secrets and problem with and also as someone who has no problem listening to their negative complaints and problems. Therefore, most of them would not mind sharing all those things with me. 

Honestly, I don't mind them sharing with me as it is a great honour to know someone has their trust in you. But, as I try my best to keep those negative things with me, as time passes by, those negative emotions and thoughts that they shared with me will start eating me out from the inside. You see, when you tell me something negative, I will try my best to make it positive but without me realising it, my soul absorbs all those negative things. Especially when the negative keeps coming in every single day. That is why, at some point, I will be very negative towards everything around me. 

Those who are around me day in and day out will eventually see how at certain days, I am such an annoying and complicated nuisance to be with. There are times when you will see me smiling sunshines and rainbows, talking nonsense and randomly making fun of things as if nothing can bring me down. Those are times I will be annoying in a good way. But mind you, after those sunshines and rainbows, I will be a soul with dark thoughts and negative emotions. I will be angry at smallest things and I will keep myself to myself. There will be no rainbows. There will be no sunshines. There will be only me; doing things that are not me and saying things I don't even mean.

And last week, after so much negativity, I exploded. I had enough of being patient and I became so angry and said things that I had in my heart for so long. What makes me even more angry is; I cared so much of a person that I became angry when that person didn't take heed of what I said. When I care about someone, I will tell them what I think the best for them, but usually, that wouldn't turn out good because when I am angry, my words are not as beautiful as they should be. And that makes those who are at the receiving ends think that I purposely hurt them with my words. But no. I care so much that is why I said such things to make you realise that you are doing it wrong. I know I am not always right, but please, hear me out when I said something. I want nothing but the best for you. You should know that. Because if you don't mean a thing to me, of course I wouldn't waste my time saying it to you. I would rather let you be. 

So, here in this long post, I want to say sorry if I hurt you with my words. I meant good. I want you to be happy. I want you to put some effort. I want you to see things from other perspective. I want you to believe in Him. I want you to know that things like soulmate or a perfect guy won't come to you without you looking for it. And please bear in mind, my dear, there is no perfect guy in this world. You and I, we have to learn to accept the flaws in others and love them the way they are. Just as God loves the imperfect us. 

And my dear, I love you the way you are. Please don't just wallow in self-pity and wait for your Prince Charming without doing anything. You have to do something. For a beginning, let us pray for him to come soon. 

.........................

"How beautiful to find a heart that loves you,

without asking you for anything,

but to be okay."

: 24th March 2016.

: 4.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Our friends always find you childish,

but you, my dear, is a person with a big heart.

You just need to see the world in a positive way.

The melody lingers on.

Show me the meaning of being lonely [Backstreetboys]

"It's not the eyes that are blind, but the hearts." 

[22: 46]

.....................

I don't know why but recently I don't have appetite to eat. It's not that I didn't eat but rather I didn't look forward to eating just like how I used to. People around me keep saying that it's because of tiredness and because I have too many things on my mind; which is quite right, I think. I guess rather than having troubles to sleep, I am having more troubles getting myself to eat properly.

Realising this, yesterday, I took some time off from watching movies and anything online for an hour just to sort out what is bothering me. Unfortunately, sorting it out doesn't mean it is resolved, but I have come to a realisation that I should rearrange my day-to-day schedule. If not, I will feel like a drag if I don't rearrange it any sooner. 

So, today, despite the fact that I went to bed a bit later than usual last night, I woke up early and drank a cup of honey drink. A good day begins with a good breakfast they said, so yeahhh, I had fruits for breakfast yesterday. It was not that filling but I managed. I did a few minutes of stretching after that because I feel like my body has been screaming for a proper exercise since forever. Here, I don't have the opportunity to exercise properly so I guess I should incorporate a little bit of stretching at least 10 minutes a day. I don't aim for the body of a model (obviously), I just wanna feel healthy because for the past two months in school, I find myself to be yawning every single morning. Not that I don't get enough sleep, I believe it's because my body is kinda not awake? Oh, whatever. At least I am doing good for my own body. You should, too :)

Emotion wise, I have been in a rollercoaster of emotions since the beginning of the year. For those who are close to me, they will know what I am talking about. But one thing for sure, this year, I feel like I am easy to get angry at certain things. This is bad, seriously. It's like I am running out of patience; especially to students. Never in my history of teaching I would bring a cane into class, but man, this time I did, in that one particular class. I have tried giving my attention and love but no, it didn't work out. So, I brought a cane. And it worked out. But I shouldn't misuse it, I feel. Now, I am figuring how should I treat them and make them love learning with me just because they want to learn, not because they are scared of me. Please tell me how if you happen to know. Don't say I need to give them more sweets because they need to learn to love learning not for the sake of the sweets. And plus, the economy is bad now. I need to save money.

And for dear you, I hope your days are good despite the lack of interaction between us. I might not show you what your presence means to me, but I do miss you at times. I don't want to be clingy by keep sending texts whatsoever (because I myself feel suffocated if people keep sending messages) but I pray for both your well-being and for your bright future. One day, God willing, I hope to see you. With that being said, I do look forward to know what you are up to every day. Meanwhile, take a good care of yourself. Eat properly. 

..................

This is my girl crush (with her boyfriend at the back). 

She's one of the reasons why I am trying to incorporate good habits in my life (ahha over).

Arghhhh how can you be so cute and gorgeous at the same time? 

.....................

"Trust yourself. You've survived a lot, and you'll survive whatever is coming."

: 5th March 2016.

: 11.40 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I was so happy knowing that all my Physics students passed their paper.

Even so, half of my English students failed. I just don't know what to say.

For all this while, why now?

Oh son of Adam, you are nothing but a few numbered days. 

When a day goes by, a part of you is gone. [Al-Basri]

...................

"I don't trust words anymore. I only trust actions. 

People can pretend to do a lot without being serious about it."

..................

I have a lot to write actually. But I don't know where to begin.  I love to talk, I seriously do, but sometimes, what I have in mind comes out different when I say it out loud. So, that is why I have to write so that I can reconstruct my thoughts in better words. 

I have a lot of friends. Friends whom I care and who are always in my heart even though we don't contact on daily basis. I am a person who values friends; therefore to spend money and my precious time on them is not something that I find difficult to do. Even if they don't feel the same way about it, I still won't mind much going miles and miles just to meet them. 

However, reaching the era where people are starting to build their own career and family, things are not the same like before. I can't simply spend my money just to book a flight and meet a friend of mine just because she asked me to do so. I can't simply drive for long hours just to accompany my dear friend who happens to be lonely and depressed. I have to look at my own savings and my own schedule. Not to mention, my own capabilities in driving for long hours. I have to look at all that. Because, as far as I remember, not many who are willing to do that for me. So, if you are among those who are willing to do that for me, I will be more than willing to go miles and miles just for you.

I have a few friends who sometimes complain how I never even once visited them though I did not hesitate to visit some others. It's not that I don't want to, but sometimes, I know that they have their own agenda with their family and beloved ones. So, how can I come to visit if you are already have plans, right? But don't worry, when I have the money and time, I will visit you without a second thought. But for now, I am sorry dear, to book a flight just to meet you is not something I can do right now, I am so sorry. But I love you all the same. C'mon lemme hug you virtually. So am I forgiven? He he he.

These days, this one friend of mine, a bubbly one she is, never fails to contact me on daily basis. She is such a precious one, yeah she is. She always reports to me what her daily activities are, what kind of frustrations she has throughout the day and even asks me the same question all over again without fail. You know what, she even made a Facebook account using a fake identity just to tease me. See, what kind of love she has for me? Ahhahhaha. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am her boyfriend instead of her friend. Thank God I am a girl, if not I might start having the wrong ideas. Ahhaha. Hey, not that kind of wrrrooooong ideas, I mean if I am a guy, I might think she likes me so much ahhahaha. I hope she won't be reading this, pleaseee if not I might get killed by her. 

Another dear friend of mine, is counting days now. Every single day, she is counting and she is already at the end of her long waiting. I am sincerely happy for her though I didn't show it. I find her and her beloved such a precious couple. See, I am using the word 'precious' again ahhaha. I envy the deep discussions that they had with each other. Not every couple can discuss such matters comfortably and it makes me kinda wish that I can have such deep discussions with the one I love one day. Why? Because for me, to be able to communicate comfortably is what I really seek in a relationship. There are lots of people out there who are in a relationship but they can't say what they have in minds comfortably with each other. For me, I think that, the more things you keep from each other, the more you will grow apart from each other. Ironically, I like keep things to myself, so as my dear friends often remind me, I must try to be more open and expressive. I will try my best, okay? I will. So, if you are my other half, I sincerely hope that you will bear with me. Because, most of my dear friends often complain how I always make them feel unloved by me even though I told them so many times I love them unconditionally. Please love me even when I am unlovable. Heeee.

.....................

: 20th February 2016.

: 8.52 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I don't know how to deal with that Facebook messages now.

How should I reply?  

Of that sparkly hideous looking blue jacket.

That Man [Secret Garden OST]

"The tears of a sinner is more beloved 

to Allah

than the

arrogance of a righteous man."

..................

Some of you might wondering how on earth I actually have time to watch all sorts of drama series when I am actually working as a secondary school English (and Physics apparently) teacher. Some of you also might find how ironic it is for me to spend so much time watching drama series now (when I am supposed to be busier working) instead of when I was a student; having the time of my life in the U.K once upon a time. Oh well, don't feel bad wondering about that because I myself am wondering how and why this is happening. But, never mind. This will not come out in any exam or interview, so let's just leave it like that, okay?

After finished watching Hana Yori Dango last week, I had this weird feeling of emptiness in my heart. Thinking that it has something to do with the lack of love that I have been feeling since last month (thanks to the amount of stress in teaching exam classes and attending post-mortem meetings), I urged myself to find another mushy drama series (urgh I can't believe I am in need of watching romantic drama series). It took me two days to figure out which drama series I should properly watch as a reward after a long day at school. I was torn between re-watching BIG (with my Gong Yoo in it of course) and watching Secret Garden. 

Secret Garden was a hit when I was in the U.K and I still remember how almost all my friends went crazy over the coffee foam kiss (oopppsss). However, to tell you the truth, I didn't even finish watching the drama. At that time, I only managed to watch until the 2nd episode and until now, I don't even know the exact story line of the drama. But surprisingly, I know the OST of the drama so well to the point that I can even sing it. Weird, right? But yes I admit, I am a weird person. So, after some thoughts, I decided to watch Secret Garden just to put an end to this unfinished business. Gong Yoo can wait. 

So, how do I find the drama so far? It is too mushy oh goshhh it makes me cringe when I think of certain dialogues and scenes ohhhhhh. I guess the reason why I didn't continue watching it years ago is because of the mushiness which makes both my fingers and toes curl ooohhhhhhhh. Oh well, years ago, I was not a fan of sweet mushy cliche type of drama but look at me now. People change and so does my preference ahhahahha. So now, I am watching Secret Garden with a new perspective. I might not like the drama a few years ago, but now, I find the drama interesting and it sure leaves an impression to me as an audience.

As I am writing this, I have come to an understanding of why this drama series was a hit back then. It is a pity that I wasn't able to enjoy this drama with my friends at that time because if I did enjoy it, I would be able to go gaga with them in the class while waiting for our lecturer to come in. To be honest with you, watching Secret Garden makes me miss them so much to the point that I feel that after typing this, when I wake up in the morning tomorrow, I will sit in the class and gossip with my friends over the cringing dialogues by Hyun Bin. However, like what Hyun Bin said in the drama, this is just my imagination. 

I miss sharing thoughts (and obsession) over drama series with my dear friends. However, the time to do that has long gone. Now is not the time to obsess over handsome actors and sweet romantic drama series anymore. Now is the time to fully step into reality; where responsibility lies in every action that we take. 

However, my dear friends, when reality hits you hard, don't be too hard on yourself. You can steal a bit of time to do things that you personally enjoy; like what I have been doing these days-- watching drama series.

And before I forget, salam Maal Hijrah. Let's be a better person; not just for every new year, but every day.

....................

"Make yourself a priority 

once in a while.

It's not selfish.

It's necessary."

: 13th October 2015.

: 11.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Olmanaaa olmanaaaaaaaaaa~

National Treasure.

Lion Heart [SNSD]

"You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you."

Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon 

.................

When reading, we don't fall in love with the characters' appearance. We fall in love with their words, their thoughts and their hearts. We fall in love with their souls.

.................

I don't know why but these days I find that she is getting more beautiful to the extent that I even question myself why I never paid any particular attention to her before. Maybe it has something to do with the power of love (though it is broken now). Or maybe, it has something to do with her skincare routine. Or maybe both? Though I think it has a lot more to do with how she brings herself (ehh pulak).

Well, anyway, to look beautiful, one must feel beautiful. To feel beautiful, one has to love oneself. And to love oneself, one has to first value his or her life. Like someone once said to me (or maybe I read it somewhere I just can't remember where now) that you'll find beauty in your life and enjoy every moment of it once you realise that you'll never get the same moment twice. By doing that, you will find life becomes more meaningful and happiness will shine from your face. And you know what, when you are happy, you will look pretty. Well said (or well-written). I guess instead of worrying of the unknowns, it's better for me to just appreciate and savour every moment in my life now and be grateful. Right?

: 28th September 2015.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I watched National Treasure (2004) yesterday and 

just finished watching National Treasure 2 (2007) half an hour ago.

How reminiscing actually works.

Doushiteeeeeeeee [Tohoshinki]

"The earliest memories of me are the ones that I remember the most. I cannot recall what happened to me six months ago, let alone two weeks ago. As time passes, pieces and traces of a memoir are slowly recollecting; while things that are happening in this brief now are being recaptured, then forgotten, and finally, retraced."

.....................

This guy reminds me of kani.

Kani= crab.

The best thing of watching this guy in the Japanese shows is the food that he ate.

Tonkutsu ramen? Sushi zanmai? Takoyaki? Kani? 

Urghhh, what a tease. I want fooooooood!

....................

I know that I always write about past memories-- my longing for the past; however, no matter how I tried so hard not to think of the past memories, I just could not stop doing that. And today, out of all the old videos I have in my collection, I decided to watch Tohoshinki's Japanese shows. I don't know why but after I reached home from school, I suddenly had this urge to watch them speaking Japanese, so yeah, that led to me being a bit emotional reminiscing the old times. Maybe I had enough of listening to English and Kelantanese dialect, I supposed. Ahhaha. But watching them makes me think of the times when I followed them and the times when I was an active member of the fandom. 

After the fandom has been split into two (ohh the drama I still remember ohhhh the drama of the year ahhaha), I find that it is hard for me to keep up with the fandom(s) anymore. I am no longer active in following that mismatched eyes now (I don't even watch the drama he is in ahhaaa sorry dear) and I guess that makes me feel a bit melancholic and guilty? (maybe but not really oppssss e he he he). With three of them are in the military now and this mismatched eyes will soon follow their footsteps, I guess there is nothing in store for me at the moment. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't feel the same anymore. Time does change people's hearts, huh? My heart to be exact. Plus, work and life have finally caught up with me. Not that I'm complaining though. Life has to go on, right people? Move along move along now.

: 13th September 2015.

: 9.55 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I find it cute to watch them struggling to find the right words in Japanese.

I understand that struggle so much.

The struggle of learning the second language.

Start living your life; in gratitude.

 You've got the healing that I want

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my personal development. I know it is super late for me to start reshuffling my schedule and daily routine as I am already a quarter-decade old (26 years old to be exact), but as people often say, it is never too late to change for the better. However, the question is; have I really changed for the better and if not; how?

When I looked back at my old random childish posts in this blog, as well as my written ramblings on other mediums (books, tumblr, twitters etc), I found that instead of improving a lot, my personal development is rather constant and at times, my progress kind of deteriorating rather than improving. This kind of hit me hard these few days. And while my housemate was away for her camp in Pahang, I did some sort of reflection on myself.

I have always complained about school and students, about my (lack of) love life, about my mundane routine (watching random videos and do nothing at home), about this dull, boring place I am stuck in and about myself physically (how unattractive I find myself is). All I ever did all the while was complaining and constantly looking at the negative side of things. 

And one day, as I stared at my ceiling, listening to the roar of thunders outside-- I realised how ungrateful I was (and still am). I forgot to look at how lucky I am to be able to rent a decent house in this dull place, how lucky I am for having my good friend that I have known since my first year of foundation in college as my housemate, how lucky I am to be able to own a car, how lucky I am to have a friend who never fails to call me at least once a fortnight, how lucky I am to have the strength and courage to drive miles and miles on the road, how lucky I am to have siblings who never fail to show their support and love (in their own ways) and the list goes on and on. And when one of my friends wrote me an unexpected comment, I realised how distorted my perspective has always been all this while. I failed to see all the good things that happened in my life as my eyes tend to see other people's blessings rather than my own blessings. 

So today, as I am waiting for my housemate to come home, I am writing this to remind myself that even though there are things that will put my spirit down being here in Jeli, there are other things to be grateful for. Just look around you, dear. See that photos on the wall? The books in your collection? The movies and drama series in your laptop? The housemate across your room? The trees outside the window? The food in your fridge? The bed in your room? Be grateful. You have more than you think you have.

....................

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind."

-Anonymous.

Recently, one of my friends commented on how glowing my face is. I doubted that statement honestly, but  I guess the above product has something to do with it. My face is kind of dry and using too much cream makes my face feel sticky and I dislike that kind of feeling. I have tried a few products and still, my face felt not moisturized enough. However, last month, as I randomly check updates on instagram, one of the people that I follow shared this product. And tadaaaaaa...I ended up buying this product. I have been using it ever since and I feel like my skin has never felt as moisturized as it is now. I don't know, but I've been loving it ever since. I hope it will continue making my skin feel moisturized. I am getting older day by day, so I really feel like I should start taking care of my skin seriously now. You should, too! 

: 31st August 2015.

: 05.35 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I have a huge girl crush on one Youtube blogger.

She makes me thinking about how should I live my life to the fullest;

especially by pampering and taking care of myself, 

by reading at least a book or listening to a new song,

by trying and learning new things every single day

and by savoring each moment that is given to me.
It's all about carpe diem and being grateful, isn't it?

Like an oasis in a vast desert.

Bae Bae [Big Bang]

"I think I am mentally ill", said Top-shi.

"Me too", said the girl who have just turned 26.

...................

"The thing I'm most afraid of is me.

Of not knowing what I'm going to do.

Of not knowing what I'm doing right now."

....................

The scariest thing is when a sin

becomes so routine for you that

you no longer find 

it is necessary to repent.

: 25th August 2015.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just don't have the mood to do anything else besides watching

my namja, Jiyong. Sorry, Changmin. This time it's Jiyong.

What are the worst comments?

I'm a loser [Big Bang]

"Please come to me, I am too hurt, to have hurt you. 

We can better bear it together."

....................

August has always been a precious month for me. No, not because my birthday falls in this month. Rather, it is because a lot of my friends' birthdays fall in this month. These friends of mine, their presence is precious to me and each of them leaves such a deep impression in my life.

One of them is already married. This friend; she is such a unique person and when I said unique, she is one of the kind. She was in the same class as me when I was Form 1. First impression, she looked like an ordinary girl but when she shared her thoughts, wow, she made me think a lot. We discussed a lot of random stupid things. Just name it; how Bulma and Bezita got married (Dragonball characters, okay), how Jack the Ripper got away with his crimes (we were so into investigation thanks to Detective Conan), can we live in Mars one day (a heated discussion this one, she strongly believed humans will be able to live in Mars one day) and a lot of other topics. And looking back at those so-called deep discussions (more like random chat), I could not believe how innocent and curious we were at that time. And now, she is a doctor with a baby in her stomach! May Allah put everything at ease for her. Ganbatte!

Another August girl whom I dear is another unique person as well. This girl; she is so cheeky. Her cheekiness is what makes her one of the kind as well. She is one type of person who never fails to make other people around her smile and laugh despite the sadness and pain she might face. This type of person brightens everyone's day and I always find myself smile when I look back at all those memories with her in it. There were times when her jokes might hit the wrong button though but honestly, just the thought of her and her randomness is enough to make everyone smiles. Not to mention her videos hehehe. And thanks to her, these few days I have been spending my time watching Big Band videos more than I should (considering that I have a lot of exam papers to mark). Not that I am complaining though hehe.

Another precious soul is this sport and IT freak girl whom I have known for almost 8 years now. This girl is such a lovable person. No matter how moody she might be at times (hehe), there is no one who will not love this girl. She often says how no one loves her and how she is unloved by others but the truth is, no matter how I tell her she is loved not just by me but a lot more others, she just won't believe me. Her presence in my life means a lot to me. She might say I am lying again as I haven't been contacting her as frequently as I once used to, but honestly, she is one of the friends whom I will turn to whenever I feel sad or hurt. For me, even though someone might feel like "Oh, you only find me when you are sad or in trouble" but actually, if someone comes to you when they are having a hard time, it means that you are like a candle when everything is dark. So, for me, she is one of the candles when everything seems dark to me.

These friends are indeed a few of the beautiful souls I am blessed to know in my life. Without them, my life will not be as interesting as it is. Thank you dear friends. 

....................

Say Alhamdulillah, because you always have more than you think you have.

: 24th August 2015.

: 8.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I watched Big Bang Healing Camp 2011 video and

it made me think of a few incidents in my life

that I have tried so hard not to remember ever again.

For those who think I am a good person,

never once commit any mistakes,

and loved by others all the time, think again.

There were times when people hated and disliked me too.

And to be misunderstood is seriously depressing.

Row, row, my boat.

Zutter [GD & TOP]

“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; 

I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.”

— Bram Stoker, Dracula  

..................

"Don't you get it?" he said. "The ones who are afraid of heights 

don't trust themselves enough not to jump."

-Lang Leav

.................

"If becoming 'religious' has made you
more judgmental, rude, harsh and a backbiter, 

you need to check if you are worshiping God 

or your ego."

: 10th August 2015.

: 11.56 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I used to wear glasses; however since last year I have been wearing contact lens.

There are a lot of people who do that but strangely for me

since I am not wearing glasses anymore,

people keep asking me where is my glasses.

Do I look like an alien without it or what?

This makes me feel kinda irritated and inferior at the same time.

Orang lain tak pakai specs takde pulak orang tanya lelebih. Urgh.