Is this how it feel to be heartbroken?

Dear heart,

Don’t assume you mean anything special to a person if they don’t show you and very confirm that’s how they feel. Don’t put on your detective hat and try to figure out if x means y and that leads to z. Because if a person cares for you, they will make it known. And you deserve a person that makes it known how much you mean to them.

...........................

 "Continue to share your heart with people

even if it has been broken."

-Amy Poehler, Harvard Speech

..........................

"To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it."

: 25th December 2015.

: 11.55 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: A few days ago, I tried my best to do something.

Now, when it doesn't go my way, I feel so depressed.

I should stop being so and move along, right?

It's all about the perspective, really.

We tend to see things from our own perspectives, don't we?

: 24th December 2015.

: 11.54 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I am seriously in need of a good ear and a shoulder to lean on.

That messy look caught my attention.

Found You [Sungkyunkwan Scandal OST]

"I fell in love with you on a bleak rainy day

because you pointed to the sun

when all I saw were dark clouds."

....................

It wasn't a waste of time

if you learned something.

....................

"I hope one day 

someone asks you

about him

and you laugh

instead of feeling

a double edged

dagger on your chest."

.....................

In my history of watching drama, I have watched two sageuk (Korean historical drama) series just because of him. Why? Because I find that he looks much more charming and way more attractive being messy and wearing the traditional Korean clothes. Yeah, I know my definition of charming is weird but hey, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, right?  

And guess what, a new sageuk drama series is currently aired with him in it.  But that drama has 50 episodes! Arghhhh that's a lot of episodes I tell ya. Should I or should I not? Aishhh, this rebellious namja. Aishhh.

: 19th November 2015.

: 10.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, at school, a teacher suddenly asked me a question
and persistently wanted me to answer it.

I ended up feeling bad for lying.
But you will too if you are in my shoes.

"So...what do we do now?"

You are my destiny [Lyn]

"Never, in all of the seventy billion humans who have walked this planet since the beginning of time has there been anyone exactly like you. Never, until the end of time, will there be another such as you. You have shown no knowledge or appreciation of your uniqueness. Yet, you are the rarest thing in the world."

- Og Mandino, The Greatest Miracle in World.

.........................

Last week, all schools in Kelantan had quite a long holiday from Tuesday until Saturday; thanks to Deepavali celebration and Hari Keputeraan Sultan Kelantan (sorry, I am too lazy to think of the English term for this). Usually, I would be more than ecstatic to go home and spend my days lazing around in Penang. However, this time, that was not the case.

I decided not to go home but instead, I went to Dungun. "What's with Dungun?", people around me asked. Oh well, it's not the place that made me want to go there in the first place. Rather, it's the person who is there. She is none other than my petite friend with a big heart; Miss Pencinta Kucing. 

A few days before my journey, I already googled the way to Dungun. I wanted to use LPT (East Coast Highway) so that the journey will take less than 4 hours. However, the moment I mentioned that, some of the teachers told me not to use LPT as there were a lot of ghost stories about the highway. I was okay at first however, as I will be driving alone, the fact that there will be less cars along the highway and the cases where people were robbed that they had told me were making my heart a bit restless. It's not that I am scared of ghosts in particular, but rather, I am quite worried if I will be targeted by 'road robbers' once they notice me--a girl, driving alone. Seriously, as the day getting nearer, my heart was not at peace. I felt like I wanted to cancel the whole trip and go back to Penang instead.

However, the night before the journey, a thought came across my mind. The Gerik road that I always use to go back to Penang is similar to LPT in the sense that there are less cars and there are also a lot of stories (ghosts and robbers alike). Instead of fearing the unknowns, I better pray hard to Allah so that He will protect me from any harm. Even so, I need to make sure that there will be no strange looking car following me. So, with that in mind, I pursued my initial plan. Dungun, here I come!

I thank Allah for giving me the courage and for protecting me from any harm because...coming to Dungun was one of the best decisions I have ever taken this year. I got to spend my days talking about all sorts of things with my dear friend. I got to taste her cooking (the last time I tasted her sardine was when we were in the U.K). I got to sleep on a big comfy bed. I got to watch TV (I have no TV in Jeli, I only depend on my laptop and hard disk). I got to see her school (it was a big school). I got to watch The Spectre in cinema (Kelantan is yet to have a cinema). I got to eat a lot of things in Dungun (we ate quite a big portion for just two of us; girls). I got to transfer more drama series and movies from her collection to my hard disk (I have Full House and Sungkyunkwan Scandal, yeaaaaaaahhhh). 

And the moment I was back in Jeli, I felt a tinge of sadness and loneliness. Now I kinda understand the feeling of leaving someone you care and love. I salute those who are in LDR (long distance relationship). I used to be so cold years ago but I guess I have such a soft heart now. Should I put the blame on my old age?

.........................

"You may forget someone you laughed with,

but you will never forget someone you cried with."

[Gibran Khalil Gibran]

: 15th November 2015.

: 3.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I managed to get her to watch 'I Hear Your Voice'

and now, she is falling in love with Park Soo Ha too.

See, I told ya. Lee Jong Suk has put a spell on us.

Let me fangirl for a while.

Why did you come? 
Where were you?

It seems like it’s a bit late 
but we finally meet

Do you believe in love?

Is this fate?

I keep hearing sweet words

You’re smiling in front of me,

I tightly hold your hand next to you

I look at you with eyes overflowing with love

A song automatically comes out

with my especially light steps. 
Is it because

it resembles you? 
This melody is beautiful

Why do I keep smiling?

Why do I keep looking at my phone?

People around me keep saying that I changed

Why am I like this?

Why do I keep thinking of you?

I guess the love I dreamed of is you

Why did you come now?

Why Did You Come Now- I Hear Your Voice OST [Jung Yup]

.....................

Seriously, what should I do to keep him away from my heart?

I feel like keeping him in my pocket. Aishhh.

This is getting out of hand now.

: 7th November 2015.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: How can he look so cute when he is at the same age as me?
And how can he just enter my heart without my permission?
I guess I am crazy now. I should get a grip of my life.

My heart goes dugeun dugeun.

Because of you, this heart of mine goes thump thump [Sunny Hill]

It was the same day like any other. The weather was unpredictable and I was mentally tired after long hours in the school. My body felt exhausted, too exhausted beyond words. Ironically, my mind was wide awake. I planned for a short nap (yeah right), however, no matter how well I plan, He is indeed the best planner. I lay on my bed, forcing my eyes to shut so that I could get a nap. I tossed on the bed, lulling myself to sleep. To my dismay, I couldn't fall asleep. 

So, instead of wasting my time trying to get a nap, I switched on my laptop. What should I watch today, I wonder. A new drama series? Or one random episode of Running Man? I just couldn't decide. After some time passed, I chose the latter instead of the former. Great. Now, which episode? Which guest should I watch? Hurm, Lee Dong Wook? Watched him already. Ji Sung? Yeah, watched him twice. Kim So Hyun? Hurm, not today. Ahhhh, Lee Jong Suk! I haven't watched him since his latest drama Pinocchio early this year. Ahhhhh, Lee Jong Suk and that boyish smiles. I guess Lee Jong Suk will do.

And, after an hour watching him with Song Ji Hyo trying to accomplish the Secret Couple mission in Running Man Episode 181, I find myself browsing through his videos; from Running Man episode to his drama series. 

 I seriously like the background song they use for every interaction that these two have.

And without me realising it, I have finished watching Pinocchio (again) and Doctor Stranger (urgh that drama was such a flop, I only watched his part) and now I am watching I Hear Your Voice. 

One thing about this namja is his smitten smiles. Aishhh I have such a soft spot for that kind of smiles. Of course Gong Yoo has the best smitten smiles (for me) but every time Lee Jong Suk smiles, I feel like my screen is literally exploding with rainbows and unicorns. Aishhh this namja. What spell have you put on me?

Look at how this smile is invading my train of thoughts these few days.

........................

"The people who left you did not understand how to love you. 

This does not mean you are unloveable. 

It means not everyone is equipped to handle the extraordinary."

......................

We mature with the damage,

not with the years.

: 5th November 2015.

: 6.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Seriously Lee Jong Suk is not my type,

but why he is now in my heart?

Get a grip dear heart. Wake up!

That blog of a friend of mine.

How many nights how you wish someone would stay? Lied awake only hoping they're okay? [One Direction]

 

Sometimes, these are the words that I want to say the most.

Especially at times like this,

to that dear friend of mine.

................

 When your relationship with the Almighty is weak,

you'll see every small problem as massive,

too big for you to handle.

Strengthen the link! 

-Dr Bilal Philips

................

The world is a book 

and those who don't travel

have only read one page.

: 31st October 2015.

: 10.30 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, I woke up early just to do blog-walking while listening to ballads.

After reading one of my friends' blog, I couldn't help but to reminisce.

You are right, dear. All those times we were in the U.K,

it's like we were in a sweet dream; having the best time of our lives.

And after watching a video you made of our 34 hours journey from KLIA to Plymouth,

I find myself missing you, missing our friends,

and missing all those memorable trips together.

Chivalry is dead.

I was born to love you [Queen]

When you think about it, people are really absurdly unfair to teachers, or educators. The people in the society blames you for their own failure in parenting, the society blames you for the students' own failure, the students hate you for being responsible.

You are judged by being rated by students, who rate you by "How much you entertain us," not "How much we learned from you." They say "thank you" once a year, during Teachers' Day, but many do not mean it.

The adults say you are important, and pay you peanuts, and tell their kids, "If you don't study well, you'll end up being a teacher" like your job is the worst on Earth.

But you have to say you love your job or people will judge you, even though this job, which once you loved, is drying up your blood and emptying up your soul. Like a curse.

And that's why I respect every teacher. Not because I'm one of them. But teachers are basically like Batman, from Nolan's Batman movies:

"That you are not the hero who the society wants, but someone the society needs. So they'll abuse you, because you can take it. Because you're not their hero. You're a silent guardian, a protective watcher. A Real Knight."

(taken from a post which my friend shared on Facebook)

.........................

It feels tiring to be bullied by students,

but it feels terribly exhausting to be bullied by your own colleagues; 
the teachers.

: 29th October 2015.

: 10.10 p.m.
: Jeli, Kelantan.
: Just because I am capable of being the MC (Master of Ceremony),
just because I am always ready to help with the library,
just because I can teach Physics even though I am a TESL graduate,
just because I can drive for miles,
just because I can write the minutes of meeting decently,
just because I can handle the back classes,
it doesn't mean I am the only person who you should give all the work to.
I am not the only teacher in the school, though.
You should learn to see the best in other teachers too.

For every ending, there is a new beginning.

Here I am [Secret Garden OST]

"Every single success you experience is a combination of two things:

your effort and Allah's help.

When you don't put in enough effort, Allah does not give His barakah.

And sometimes you might put in a lot of effort but you may not see the result you expected.

That, also, is Allah's barakah." 

-Nouman Ali Khan.

...................

Sticks and stones may break your bones

but tv shows and books will crush your soul to a million pieces.

..................

One of my friends randomly mentioned a new drama series to me. And now, after I finished watching Secret Garden, I am totally hooked to the new drama. The drama is still ongoing, though. Urgh, to wait for a new episode to come out is somehow testing my patience. I have to wait for weekends to be able to watch it. Urgh, my weekends. I should put the blame solely on her. Why on earth did you mention it, my dear? Arghhhhhhhhh.

Or, rather than putting the blame on her, I should put the blame on my own self. I am easily influenced, I guess. Get a grip, my dear self. Get a grip. Your kids are going to sit for SPM examination soon. You have to remind them on how to write essays better and don't forget Physics too! Transistor! You have to revisit that chapter as soon as possible! Arghhhhhhhhh.

: 21st October 2015.

: 11.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I went to the clinic a few days ago

and the doctor told me my blood pressure was so low.

That explains the fatigue and the mild headache

I have been experiencing since last two weeks.

From EC6 to Student Village to two different states.

Because I Miss You [Jung Yonghwa] 

Dear my ex-roommate, my travelling partner and my gossip girl,

Believe it or not, we've known each other for almost 8 years now. We started our friendship as roommates, then as close friends, and over the years, we are more like a family. 

In every relationship, there are bounds to be ups and downs and we've been through all that. I admit that there were times when I was difficult to understand, times when I was being an annoying human being in that small room we shared back in the teaching college, times when I was suddenly being so distant, times when I was being such a spoiled baby and times when I was being so careless with my words. However, despite all that, you never fail to be such an amazing friend to me. 

I still remember the beginning of our friendship. We both were so different from each other. It was not easy to accommodate and cater the differences we had; you need to sleep with the light on while I can only sleep in total darkness, you tend to do assignments earlier while I am a last minute fighter, you tend to sleep early while I always sleep late and the list goes on and on. The differences that we had at that time can make us grow apart, but instead, by trying to understand and cater each and every difference that we had, we have grown closer day by day. And over time, we learn that we both are different but similar in so many ways.

It is a lie if we say that we never had a misunderstanding. We did, but thankfully, we somehow tried our best to communicate with each other. Communication is definitely important. I never like to say what I really think, but growing up with you, I learn to say what I have in mind. It was not easy for me to put into words all the thoughts I had at the beginning of our friendship, but over time, I can share a lot of things with you even without you asking about it. The words just come out when I am with you. It shows how comfortable I am with you. That is why we can stay up all night talking about all the random things that come into our minds. I miss doing that with you. You know, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I hope you miss it too, just like I do.

I might never show or tell you directly but your presence in my life means a lot to me. It gives me real courage when I know you are there with me. Though we are now separated by distance and work commitments, I still hold you dear in my thoughts. And there were times, especially when I heard certain words being said by others or when I listened to songs that we used to listen together, you just popped into my mind. 

I could never thank you enough for all the support and love that you have given me throughout our friendship. Thank you for always being there for me especially when I need you the most. And sometimes, even without me having to reach for you, you are already there with a big warm hug. Tell you what, you are among those friends who can actually decipher the meaning behind every facial expression I make and every word I say. You know, with just one sentence and one type of laugh, you can definitely know whether I am being serious or I am joking. Oh, my students and even my colleagues can't differentiate between those two. It's so frustrating sometimes. 

Dear you, in case people haven't told you this, you are a beautiful person; inside out. You and your kind heart, that is what makes people so drawn to you. You are so pure and that is why some people take you for granted. But my dear, even if people might be harsh to you and the whole world might put you through such a difficult time, please continue being the kind you. Those people might not be able to appreciate you, but Allah knows and He will definitely reward you with better things in life. 

I might not be able to be there with you to lend my shoulder and shed your tears during your difficult times, but whatever brings you down, whatever makes you cry, whatever makes you hurt, I promise you, my prayers will always be there. In case I haven't told you this, remember, pain ends, but my love and support will never end. So, on this special day of yours, may you have all the happiness you deserve. And may Allah will always shower you with abundance of blessings in life.

Do you still remember this moment?

"One of the greatest gifts of God:

The people in our lives,

who accept,

and love,

the whole us-

not just the parts that glimmer."

: 13th October 2015.

: 11.59 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I have this habit where I will wish people Happy Birthday
a few minutes before the day ends.

Is it a bad habit? Should I change it?

Of that sparkly hideous looking blue jacket.

That Man [Secret Garden OST]

"The tears of a sinner is more beloved 

to Allah

than the

arrogance of a righteous man."

..................

Some of you might wondering how on earth I actually have time to watch all sorts of drama series when I am actually working as a secondary school English (and Physics apparently) teacher. Some of you also might find how ironic it is for me to spend so much time watching drama series now (when I am supposed to be busier working) instead of when I was a student; having the time of my life in the U.K once upon a time. Oh well, don't feel bad wondering about that because I myself am wondering how and why this is happening. But, never mind. This will not come out in any exam or interview, so let's just leave it like that, okay?

After finished watching Hana Yori Dango last week, I had this weird feeling of emptiness in my heart. Thinking that it has something to do with the lack of love that I have been feeling since last month (thanks to the amount of stress in teaching exam classes and attending post-mortem meetings), I urged myself to find another mushy drama series (urgh I can't believe I am in need of watching romantic drama series). It took me two days to figure out which drama series I should properly watch as a reward after a long day at school. I was torn between re-watching BIG (with my Gong Yoo in it of course) and watching Secret Garden. 

Secret Garden was a hit when I was in the U.K and I still remember how almost all my friends went crazy over the coffee foam kiss (oopppsss). However, to tell you the truth, I didn't even finish watching the drama. At that time, I only managed to watch until the 2nd episode and until now, I don't even know the exact story line of the drama. But surprisingly, I know the OST of the drama so well to the point that I can even sing it. Weird, right? But yes I admit, I am a weird person. So, after some thoughts, I decided to watch Secret Garden just to put an end to this unfinished business. Gong Yoo can wait. 

So, how do I find the drama so far? It is too mushy oh goshhh it makes me cringe when I think of certain dialogues and scenes ohhhhhh. I guess the reason why I didn't continue watching it years ago is because of the mushiness which makes both my fingers and toes curl ooohhhhhhhh. Oh well, years ago, I was not a fan of sweet mushy cliche type of drama but look at me now. People change and so does my preference ahhahahha. So now, I am watching Secret Garden with a new perspective. I might not like the drama a few years ago, but now, I find the drama interesting and it sure leaves an impression to me as an audience.

As I am writing this, I have come to an understanding of why this drama series was a hit back then. It is a pity that I wasn't able to enjoy this drama with my friends at that time because if I did enjoy it, I would be able to go gaga with them in the class while waiting for our lecturer to come in. To be honest with you, watching Secret Garden makes me miss them so much to the point that I feel that after typing this, when I wake up in the morning tomorrow, I will sit in the class and gossip with my friends over the cringing dialogues by Hyun Bin. However, like what Hyun Bin said in the drama, this is just my imagination. 

I miss sharing thoughts (and obsession) over drama series with my dear friends. However, the time to do that has long gone. Now is not the time to obsess over handsome actors and sweet romantic drama series anymore. Now is the time to fully step into reality; where responsibility lies in every action that we take. 

However, my dear friends, when reality hits you hard, don't be too hard on yourself. You can steal a bit of time to do things that you personally enjoy; like what I have been doing these days-- watching drama series.

And before I forget, salam Maal Hijrah. Let's be a better person; not just for every new year, but every day.

....................

"Make yourself a priority 

once in a while.

It's not selfish.

It's necessary."

: 13th October 2015.

: 11.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Olmanaaa olmanaaaaaaaaaa~

Everything was screaming: the sea, the wind, my heart.

Eat [Zion T]

"It's funny how a tornado never understands the damage it has caused.

Aren't we all just tornadoes?"

.........................

"I am figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I created to please you." 

[Lora Mathis, The Dust On This Poem Could Choke You]

.....................

"Dear Allah, if I lose hope today, please remind me that your plans are better than my dreams."

....................

Confidence is not "they will like me".

Confidence is "I'll be fine if they don't."

: 7th October 2015.

: 11.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Someone said something to me

and it still hurts, even until now.

"We are the people of Saturn", said Domyouji.

"Anytime you're gonna grow, you're gonna lose something. You're losing what you're hanging onto to keep safe. You're losing habits that you're comfortable with, you're losing familiarity."

-James Hillman

..................

My Jdorama feels is back, peeps. For the past three days I have been watching an old Jdorama (Japanese drama) series, no matter how busy I was (and I still am at the moment). I don't know why but I just feel like revisiting the plot of Hana Yori Dango, the Japanese version of Boys Over Flower (BOF). Of course you all know that Hana Yori Dango and its Japanese, Korean (Boys Over Flower), and Taiwanese (Meteor Garden-- ohhh Dao Ming Si!) adaptions are all based on the manga by the same name by Yoko Kamio. It became super popular and regarded as one of the classic series in most Kdrama addicts' hearts, even after all these years.  

And, as most of you would probably know by now how the Korean version of BOF has such a special place in my heart-- thanks to the second pairing that I love the most; Yi Jung and Ga Eul, ironically, I never liked the main leads of the Korean version. Sorry, Gu Jun Pyo. I just don't find you and the heroine lovable enough to put in my list of favourite pairings. 

Instead, I find myself falling in love with the main leads in Hana Yori Dango. The chemistry between Matsumoto Jun (Tsukasa Domyouji) and Inoue Mao (Makino Tsukushi) was apparent; I felt like they are a real couple, unlike the Korean version. Jun was so amazing in this drama, he's truly the perfect actor for Domyouji and oh, he is the reason I am laughing throughout this drama. His quirkiness, his language mistakes and his attitude; all those made him lovable (even though actually I never find him cute or handsome in other drama series). And for the heroine, I like this version best of Makino, she’s sweet, powerful, and stubborn at times, but she’s the one that resembles the original manga Makino the most. For me, Inoue Mao was perfect as Makino. Throughout the two seasons of this drama, we see her change a lot; in a good way. She starts off as somehow uncaring person, and ends up defending her love and her right to choose the way she lives. In comparison to the Korean version, I could see how she hated Domyouji at the beginning of the drama and ended up falling in love with Domyouji as the plot progresses. Even I, as the audience, ended up falling in love with this Makino and rooted for her and Domyouji (no matter how I actually love Oguri Shun who acted as Hanazawa Rui, the second hero in the drama). See, this is the power of love, people, the power of love! Ahhahaha.

Oh well, after this I am going to watch Hana Yori Dango movie to end this infatuation. The sooner I watch, the better. Or else, I might be spazzing over these two dorks for quite some time. I don't want that. My students are struggling for their upcoming exams.  I need to get in touch with reality as soon as possible.

: 3rd October 2015.

: 7.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I heard Matsumoto Jun and Inoue Mao have been dating for 9 years now.

If it's true, I wish them happiness.

If not, I still have them as a happy couple in Hana Yori Dango. 

That one funny dream.

Fix you [Coldplay]

"Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of

who do the things no one can imagine."

-Alan Turing, The Imitation Game

...................

"Positive thinking isn't ignoring life's problems,

it's understanding that Allah can make 

a way out for you if you sincerely try."

-Sheykh Omar

...................

Last night, I had a funny dream. It was so funny that I couldn't wipe away my grin even after I woke up. And later on in the evening, I had a stomachache. Too much laughing, I guess. 

You know what, it's funny how you once hated an idea so much that you couldn't even bear the thought of it and suddenly after quite some time, you begin to find that heyy it's not a bad idea at all. It is even funnier when you even question yourself (and your conscience) why on earth you hated that idea in the first place. It must be something wrong with yourself at that moment. And now, even if you think it is not a bad idea at all, you just can't undo what you have made others think of what you used to think back during those days. Ahhahaha. I guess growing up does not only mean changing in terms of physical growth but it also means changing our perspectives on certain things as well. Happy growing up, dear self. Now, laugh at your old childish way of seeing things. Go on. Laugh at yourself now. 

: 29th September 2015.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, the school counselor and I altogether with 58 students

went for a seminar on career paths at one of the tertiary institutes here in Jeli.

National Treasure.

Lion Heart [SNSD]

"You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you."

Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon 

.................

When reading, we don't fall in love with the characters' appearance. We fall in love with their words, their thoughts and their hearts. We fall in love with their souls.

.................

I don't know why but these days I find that she is getting more beautiful to the extent that I even question myself why I never paid any particular attention to her before. Maybe it has something to do with the power of love (though it is broken now). Or maybe, it has something to do with her skincare routine. Or maybe both? Though I think it has a lot more to do with how she brings herself (ehh pulak).

Well, anyway, to look beautiful, one must feel beautiful. To feel beautiful, one has to love oneself. And to love oneself, one has to first value his or her life. Like someone once said to me (or maybe I read it somewhere I just can't remember where now) that you'll find beauty in your life and enjoy every moment of it once you realise that you'll never get the same moment twice. By doing that, you will find life becomes more meaningful and happiness will shine from your face. And you know what, when you are happy, you will look pretty. Well said (or well-written). I guess instead of worrying of the unknowns, it's better for me to just appreciate and savour every moment in my life now and be grateful. Right?

: 28th September 2015.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I watched National Treasure (2004) yesterday and 

just finished watching National Treasure 2 (2007) half an hour ago.

How reminiscing actually works.

Doushiteeeeeeeee [Tohoshinki]

"The earliest memories of me are the ones that I remember the most. I cannot recall what happened to me six months ago, let alone two weeks ago. As time passes, pieces and traces of a memoir are slowly recollecting; while things that are happening in this brief now are being recaptured, then forgotten, and finally, retraced."

.....................

This guy reminds me of kani.

Kani= crab.

The best thing of watching this guy in the Japanese shows is the food that he ate.

Tonkutsu ramen? Sushi zanmai? Takoyaki? Kani? 

Urghhh, what a tease. I want fooooooood!

....................

I know that I always write about past memories-- my longing for the past; however, no matter how I tried so hard not to think of the past memories, I just could not stop doing that. And today, out of all the old videos I have in my collection, I decided to watch Tohoshinki's Japanese shows. I don't know why but after I reached home from school, I suddenly had this urge to watch them speaking Japanese, so yeah, that led to me being a bit emotional reminiscing the old times. Maybe I had enough of listening to English and Kelantanese dialect, I supposed. Ahhaha. But watching them makes me think of the times when I followed them and the times when I was an active member of the fandom. 

After the fandom has been split into two (ohh the drama I still remember ohhhh the drama of the year ahhaha), I find that it is hard for me to keep up with the fandom(s) anymore. I am no longer active in following that mismatched eyes now (I don't even watch the drama he is in ahhaaa sorry dear) and I guess that makes me feel a bit melancholic and guilty? (maybe but not really oppssss e he he he). With three of them are in the military now and this mismatched eyes will soon follow their footsteps, I guess there is nothing in store for me at the moment. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't feel the same anymore. Time does change people's hearts, huh? My heart to be exact. Plus, work and life have finally caught up with me. Not that I'm complaining though. Life has to go on, right people? Move along move along now.

: 13th September 2015.

: 9.55 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I find it cute to watch them struggling to find the right words in Japanese.

I understand that struggle so much.

The struggle of learning the second language.

Of that awkward yet sweet two.

I can't forget your love [2PM]

"You all have a little bit of 'I want to save the world' in you, that's why you're here, in college. I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that person is you."

.....................

The problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.

—  Ram Dass

........................

"People will always say things about your look and personality. Don't take it personally and make big changes to meet their expectation. What's more important is what you say to yourself. Always keep a positive attitude about your own self image."

One of my friends was amazed at my ability to sleep like a log on a moving vehicle.There was also this one girl who happened to sit beside me on a bus from Pudu to Butterworth (this happened a few years back)--she said to me, "Wah, best nya tido." A ha ha haaa. Of course I had such a great time sleeping because when I am not driving, I shall rejoice in my slumber. 

: 8th September 2015.

: 9.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: On my way back from my Physics extra class today, it was raining heavily.

All of the sudden, my thoughts went to an old programme I used to watch.
And here I am re-watching the first episode of that show. Aishhh memories.

Imagine being in their shoes.

Home 

by Warsan Shire

no one leaves home unless
home is the mouth of a shark
you only run for the border
when you see the whole city running as well

your neighbors running faster than you
breath bloody in their throats
the boy you went to school with
who kissed you dizzy behind the old tin factory
is holding a gun bigger than his body
you only leave home
when home won’t let you stay.

no one leaves home unless home chases you
fire under feet
hot blood in your belly
it’s not something you ever thought of doing
until the blade burnt threats into
your neck
and even then you carried the anthem under
your breath
only tearing up your passport in an airport toilets
sobbing as each mouthful of paper
made it clear that you wouldn’t be going back.

you have to understand,
that no one puts their children in a boat
unless the water is safer than the land
no one burns their palms
under trains
beneath carriages
no one spends days and nights in the stomach of a truck
feeding on newspaper unless the miles travelled
means something more than journey.
no one crawls under fences
no one wants to be beaten
pitied

no one chooses refugee camps
or strip searches where your
body is left aching
or prison,
because prison is safer
than a city of fire
and one prison guard
in the night
is better than a truckload
of men who look like your father
no one could take it
no one could stomach it
no one skin would be tough enough

the
go home blacks
refugees
dirty immigrants
asylum seekers
sucking our country dry
niggers with their hands out
they smell strange
savage
messed up their country and now they want
to mess ours up
how do the words
the dirty looks
roll off your backs
maybe because the blow is softer
than a limb torn off

or the words are more tender
than fourteen men between
your legs
or the insults are easier
to swallow
than rubble
than bone
than your child body
in pieces.
i want to go home,
but home is the mouth of a shark
home is the barrel of the gun
and no one would leave home
unless home chased you to the shore
unless home told you
to quicken your legs
leave your clothes behind
crawl through the desert
wade through the oceans
drown
save
be hunger
beg
forget pride
your survival is more important

no one leaves home until home is a sweaty voice in your ear
saying-
leave,
run away from me now
i dont know what i’ve become
but i know that anywhere
is safer than here

: 2nd September 2015.

: 08.19 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: With all the riots and chaos in certain parts of the world,

there are a lot of refugees who are having tough time finding a safe place to stay.

To some, they are just a nuisance to their country and they couldn't care less about them.

Read this, and try picturing yourself in their shoes.
See, now our problems seem so little compared to them.

Start living your life; in gratitude.

 You've got the healing that I want

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my personal development. I know it is super late for me to start reshuffling my schedule and daily routine as I am already a quarter-decade old (26 years old to be exact), but as people often say, it is never too late to change for the better. However, the question is; have I really changed for the better and if not; how?

When I looked back at my old random childish posts in this blog, as well as my written ramblings on other mediums (books, tumblr, twitters etc), I found that instead of improving a lot, my personal development is rather constant and at times, my progress kind of deteriorating rather than improving. This kind of hit me hard these few days. And while my housemate was away for her camp in Pahang, I did some sort of reflection on myself.

I have always complained about school and students, about my (lack of) love life, about my mundane routine (watching random videos and do nothing at home), about this dull, boring place I am stuck in and about myself physically (how unattractive I find myself is). All I ever did all the while was complaining and constantly looking at the negative side of things. 

And one day, as I stared at my ceiling, listening to the roar of thunders outside-- I realised how ungrateful I was (and still am). I forgot to look at how lucky I am to be able to rent a decent house in this dull place, how lucky I am for having my good friend that I have known since my first year of foundation in college as my housemate, how lucky I am to be able to own a car, how lucky I am to have a friend who never fails to call me at least once a fortnight, how lucky I am to have the strength and courage to drive miles and miles on the road, how lucky I am to have siblings who never fail to show their support and love (in their own ways) and the list goes on and on. And when one of my friends wrote me an unexpected comment, I realised how distorted my perspective has always been all this while. I failed to see all the good things that happened in my life as my eyes tend to see other people's blessings rather than my own blessings. 

So today, as I am waiting for my housemate to come home, I am writing this to remind myself that even though there are things that will put my spirit down being here in Jeli, there are other things to be grateful for. Just look around you, dear. See that photos on the wall? The books in your collection? The movies and drama series in your laptop? The housemate across your room? The trees outside the window? The food in your fridge? The bed in your room? Be grateful. You have more than you think you have.

....................

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind."

-Anonymous.

Recently, one of my friends commented on how glowing my face is. I doubted that statement honestly, but  I guess the above product has something to do with it. My face is kind of dry and using too much cream makes my face feel sticky and I dislike that kind of feeling. I have tried a few products and still, my face felt not moisturized enough. However, last month, as I randomly check updates on instagram, one of the people that I follow shared this product. And tadaaaaaa...I ended up buying this product. I have been using it ever since and I feel like my skin has never felt as moisturized as it is now. I don't know, but I've been loving it ever since. I hope it will continue making my skin feel moisturized. I am getting older day by day, so I really feel like I should start taking care of my skin seriously now. You should, too! 

: 31st August 2015.

: 05.35 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I have a huge girl crush on one Youtube blogger.

She makes me thinking about how should I live my life to the fullest;

especially by pampering and taking care of myself, 

by reading at least a book or listening to a new song,

by trying and learning new things every single day

and by savoring each moment that is given to me.
It's all about carpe diem and being grateful, isn't it?

Pray five times a day.

Prayers - A Beautiful Reminder

Our five daily prayers are a way to curb over-attachment to anything material. The five prayers regulate our lives with their specific timings to teach us that indeed Allah is greater than anything else that we might be occupied in at that moment.

The dawn prayer teaches us that the most beloved thing to us, comfort and sleep, should not control us – so we rise up in the cold morning, wash ourselves and pray in an acknowledgement that Allah is greater than our love of comfort and sleep.

The midday and afternoon prayer teaches us that no matter how engrossed we are with work or the short lunch hour that we so highly value, it’s not the purpose of our existence. So we leave it for a few minutes and stand and pray testifying that Allah is indeed greater.On Friday, we dedicate most, if not all of our lunch hour to attend the Friday sermon and prayer.

The dusk prayer, that time when we’re finally home and about to spend time with our family, eat dinner or simply relax – we get up and pray together to confirm that Allah is Greater than any of that.

Finally the night prayer, Isha’ – when we’re tired after a long day of work and responsibilities ready to fall into bed and sleep, we pray again proving that submitting to Allah is greater than falling into the warm bed.

All these serve as constant reminders to us that as much as we love life, we live for a higher purpose.

(Mansoor Ahmed)

.....................

Apakah perkara yang paling ringan di dunia ini?

Jawapan: Meninggalkan solat.

OUCH.

: 28th August 2015.

: 11.40 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Oh Allah, please make me one of those who never forget to pray.

Like an oasis in a vast desert.

Bae Bae [Big Bang]

"I think I am mentally ill", said Top-shi.

"Me too", said the girl who have just turned 26.

...................

"The thing I'm most afraid of is me.

Of not knowing what I'm going to do.

Of not knowing what I'm doing right now."

....................

The scariest thing is when a sin

becomes so routine for you that

you no longer find 

it is necessary to repent.

: 25th August 2015.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just don't have the mood to do anything else besides watching

my namja, Jiyong. Sorry, Changmin. This time it's Jiyong.

What are the worst comments?

I'm a loser [Big Bang]

"Please come to me, I am too hurt, to have hurt you. 

We can better bear it together."

....................

August has always been a precious month for me. No, not because my birthday falls in this month. Rather, it is because a lot of my friends' birthdays fall in this month. These friends of mine, their presence is precious to me and each of them leaves such a deep impression in my life.

One of them is already married. This friend; she is such a unique person and when I said unique, she is one of the kind. She was in the same class as me when I was Form 1. First impression, she looked like an ordinary girl but when she shared her thoughts, wow, she made me think a lot. We discussed a lot of random stupid things. Just name it; how Bulma and Bezita got married (Dragonball characters, okay), how Jack the Ripper got away with his crimes (we were so into investigation thanks to Detective Conan), can we live in Mars one day (a heated discussion this one, she strongly believed humans will be able to live in Mars one day) and a lot of other topics. And looking back at those so-called deep discussions (more like random chat), I could not believe how innocent and curious we were at that time. And now, she is a doctor with a baby in her stomach! May Allah put everything at ease for her. Ganbatte!

Another August girl whom I dear is another unique person as well. This girl; she is so cheeky. Her cheekiness is what makes her one of the kind as well. She is one type of person who never fails to make other people around her smile and laugh despite the sadness and pain she might face. This type of person brightens everyone's day and I always find myself smile when I look back at all those memories with her in it. There were times when her jokes might hit the wrong button though but honestly, just the thought of her and her randomness is enough to make everyone smiles. Not to mention her videos hehehe. And thanks to her, these few days I have been spending my time watching Big Band videos more than I should (considering that I have a lot of exam papers to mark). Not that I am complaining though hehe.

Another precious soul is this sport and IT freak girl whom I have known for almost 8 years now. This girl is such a lovable person. No matter how moody she might be at times (hehe), there is no one who will not love this girl. She often says how no one loves her and how she is unloved by others but the truth is, no matter how I tell her she is loved not just by me but a lot more others, she just won't believe me. Her presence in my life means a lot to me. She might say I am lying again as I haven't been contacting her as frequently as I once used to, but honestly, she is one of the friends whom I will turn to whenever I feel sad or hurt. For me, even though someone might feel like "Oh, you only find me when you are sad or in trouble" but actually, if someone comes to you when they are having a hard time, it means that you are like a candle when everything is dark. So, for me, she is one of the candles when everything seems dark to me.

These friends are indeed a few of the beautiful souls I am blessed to know in my life. Without them, my life will not be as interesting as it is. Thank you dear friends. 

....................

Say Alhamdulillah, because you always have more than you think you have.

: 24th August 2015.

: 8.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I watched Big Bang Healing Camp 2011 video and

it made me think of a few incidents in my life

that I have tried so hard not to remember ever again.

For those who think I am a good person,

never once commit any mistakes,

and loved by others all the time, think again.

There were times when people hated and disliked me too.

And to be misunderstood is seriously depressing.

Love in our own way.

My three brothers came all the way from Penang to Jeli as a surprise to me. I guess they just love me so much to the extent they are willing to come to Jeli that offers nothing interesting to their souls. Or I guess they love the fact that this sister of theirs are capable to shower them with a lot of food even though they are away from my parents. Heh.

We went to the beach at the border of Terengganu-Kelantan and ate the seafood there; we spent a night in Kota Bharu and ate a lot of food on the way back to Jeli and we spent hours watching P.Ramlee old movies together. No matter how I hate them for numerous reasons (I named this type of hate as 'siblings' love-hate relationship'), their presence means a lot to me. Oh Allah, thank you for these brothers of mine. Please, grant them with success and happiness wherever they are. 

.......................

We always try to search for love all over the place,

but we tend to forget that love is just right beside you; 

love in the family.

: 23rd August 2015.

: 9.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I miss them already.

Row, row, my boat.

Zutter [GD & TOP]

“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; 

I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.”

— Bram Stoker, Dracula  

..................

"Don't you get it?" he said. "The ones who are afraid of heights 

don't trust themselves enough not to jump."

-Lang Leav

.................

"If becoming 'religious' has made you
more judgmental, rude, harsh and a backbiter, 

you need to check if you are worshiping God 

or your ego."

: 10th August 2015.

: 11.56 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I used to wear glasses; however since last year I have been wearing contact lens.

There are a lot of people who do that but strangely for me

since I am not wearing glasses anymore,

people keep asking me where is my glasses.

Do I look like an alien without it or what?

This makes me feel kinda irritated and inferior at the same time.

Orang lain tak pakai specs takde pulak orang tanya lelebih. Urgh.