A note on LDR.

I miss you like crazy [The Moffats]

A tree begins with a seed, so imagine, every thought you have, is a seed waiting to be planted. Whether positive or negative, once it leaves your mouth, you give it effect. This, is when the seed is planted. Then the tree begins to grow based upon those words. So whether you're doubting and talking/ thinking negative of yourself/ another person or the situation you are in, or positive about things, about growing and getting through whatever it is you're facing, or achieving goals whatever it may be- what you think has an impact and it is temporary as it can leave instantly, but what escapes your lips is even bigger and can be permanent when the seed is planted. It determines which way you'll go, so think before you speak.

-ka.hyx 

[taken from a post on Instagram]

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If you were to ask me how do I feel being in a long distance relationship, let me tell you, it is not easy. I might not be the best person to tell you this as I am new in this LDR thingy (two years can be considered as new right?) but in that period, things did get messy.

For those who've known me through and through, you'd probably know what I meant by messy. I am a messy person with complicated thoughts. With distance between us, I admit there were times I doubted this whole thing. During those times I felt like quitting, like running away, like calling it off. I felt unloved, I was jealous of stupid things, I ignored his texts out of blue, I refused to call and all those stupid messy things that only I had the heart to do. Not only that, I also envied others who had time to meet and upload the evidence of their sweet moments together and I even loathed them for doing so. That is why I have unfollowed certain people and I have removed some of my followers on Instagram (oppss, sorry if I removed you).  Mannn, social media seriously is bad for my positive growth. I need to learn to be more grateful of my own blessings.

Well, other than emotion-wise, in terms of financial, mannnnn ohhh mannnnn, to meet means to spend money; A LOT of money. There is no common place for us to meet. If I were to go and meet him, I need to stay over at someone's place. If not, I will have to stay in a hotel, which means, more money to spend. If I don't want to stay over, then I have to spend only a few hours meeting him before I go off to Malacca. The journey to Malacca and to his place takes two hours. If I were to meet him when I were in Malacca, I have to take a bus early in the morning and then reach there around noon, spend a few hours together and then late evening I will have to take a bus to go back to Malacca. 4 flipping hours on the bus and almost a hundred Ringgit for the ticket. *sigh* How can I not envy those who can meet up during weekends when I can only meet him a few months once? Tell me how, just tell meeeeeee.

But, thankfully, despite all those mood swing moments, all those messy things, all those money gone down the drain, this still stands. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah for making this work. Without Him, I don't know how will this survive. And without his patience and money (my money of course)........I just don't want to write it down hahaha.

You might think awwww that's so sweet, you're so lucky and whatnot, but honestly, no pain no gain. This reminds me of my most favourite anime series; Fullmetal Alchemist. Okayyyy this is soooo random but yeah, in that anime, the principle of alchemy is: equivalent exchange. If you want to achieve something, you have to give something of the same value. With that being said, if you want to make a relationship work, you have to work for it. As simple as that. 

Easy said than done, huh? True, but seriously, it takes two to tango. Both have to work for it of course. And of course, do not, I repeat, do not underestimate the power of a prayer. Make du'a. Have faith in Him. He is the Owner of every heart, so pray to Him. 

As for you, who are still searching or who are trying to make something work, may Allah ease. I pray that whatever messy thoughts you are having, they will be put to an end one day. *virtual hugs

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Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend time alone in exchange for a little time with people they love. It's for those who know good things worth to wait, even the waiting is pain.

[taken from a post on Instagram]

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: 29th October 2017.

: 7.54 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: It is a miracle that the internet connection in my area allows me to blog.

Well, that is a blessing. Alhamdulillah, may this last...foreverrrrrrrrr.

One step at a time.

"Allah does not delay a matter except for good.

He does not deprive you of a thing except for good

and He does not make you cry except for good.

He does not send a calamity upon you, except for good.

So do not be sad, every matter has good."

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It may be you dream of a star, and Allah wrote for you a moon.

...................

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, it is now the second step of the stairs. Oh well, one step at a time they said. However, I can't help but to notice how my dear friends are fidgeting in their seats now; feeling both happy and worried for me. I know most of them are so happy for my happiness, yet deep inside, I also understand how sad they are thinking of what might happen to our friendship once I enter another phase of my life. I totally understand that. I've been them too. I've lost a few of my dear friends once they were married as they were too busy with family and kids and somehow our friendships drifted apart through time. I can't promise that I won't be them too as I might as well be busy entering the new phase, but dear friends, do know that I am forever your friend. Even if you might feel like my attention is not on you at times you need me like before, I will always try my best to keep in touch with you. And if I happen to not keep in touch with you, do know that my thoughts and prayers are always with you. 

As for the event, many hands make light work and true to that, with the help of many, it went well smoothly. Though there were also things I regretted along the process, ohh we live and we learn. I couldn't thank enough those people who were there and those who kept me in their prayers. Thanks to my two dorky friends which made me feel their presence through the cute cheese tarts (in which I didn't get the chance to eat wuuuu whyyyyyyy). You guys are seriously a gift from heaven. Thank youuuu. Muahhhs.

This is only the second step of the long stairs towards another phase of life. Therefore, only those who always keep in touch with me and those closest to me know about this. I am sorry if you are among those who didn't know anything as I might miss you out. It's not that we are no longer friends or what. I still cherish you as friends but there are reasons why I didn't inform you. One reason is because we don't contact each other often so I might not have the chance to tell you this. It will be so awkward to call you and say, "Heyy, I am approaching the next step now." Another reason is because you and I are in the different phase; so I feel like this is not that important to tell as you have a whole different thing to think of (e.g kids and in-laws). Plus, this is just the second step. Chill and worry not, I will let you know the red -letter day okay? That one I will surely tell. Wait for it, okay? 

As for now, prayers are seriously needed along the way, so please pray for me. As for those who are venturing into this phase of life as well, I pray nothing but the best to all of you. It is not easy, but it is worth it insyaAllah. Stay strong, believe in Him and remember, He is indeed the Best Planner of all. 

: 22nd October 2017.

: 1.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Love the giver more than the gift,

and you will be gifted.

Reply 2010 (My Version)

I just called to say I love you [Stevie Wonder]

Wow, it has been such a while since I last updated things here. I once promised myself to never stop writing, hence I created this blog. Unfortunately, life has been so busy and I was caught in a lot of things- adult things; which mostly mean work, work, work and love life *cough.

Looking back at my old posts and all, I realised how easily disturbed and emotional I was. I used to think that life has treated me unfairly; with me suffering here, away from my family while most people I know had it easy with their beloveds near them. As a result, everytime I saw their posts- looking happy with family and friends, I always, always ran to a corner and sunk in self-pity. I tried my best to not feel envious of them but man, heart cannot lie. Thus, I decided to stay away from looking at those posts by uninstalling my Facebook apps from my handphone. However, I still have my Instagram and Twitter though, but those two mediums are restricted to close friends only, so that will do for now.

But yeah, those days, I drowned myself in my own tears. I beat myself with my own self-insults. I was being so negative and tend to be skeptical to every good things that happened to me. I didn't believe in good days. No, no no. Let me rephrase that. I didn't believe that good days would last. That's why I tend to see the negative side of everything and mannnnn that surely was mentally exhausting. No wonder I was so tired and not motivated. Bakpo lah kan hahaha.

Well, it's not that I am no longer negative and just all rainbows and sunshine here. I still had my gloomy days and emotional moments here and there but alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, I am trying my best to pat myself at the back no matter how bad my day is. I am learning to let go of things I cannot control; be it my students' attitude or results. I am learning to appreciate those who love me sincerely, rather than trying to seek for people's validation of me.  

Through 4 years of teaching, I've learnt so many things. I thank Allah for putting me here in Jeli, away from family, friends and entertainment (no cinema, no shopping complex, no cafe) because by being away from all those I love, I learn to appreciate them more. 

And yes, I thank Allah for you too. Never in my whole life I would deem myself as someone who can go through any relationship with distance in between, but Allah knows me better. He gives me what I need not what I want. And I believe, for those who are still struggling with self-love or with their love lives, one day everything will work out. And one day, it will all make sense. For the time being, just enjoy the ride and learn to love yourself more. You, of all people, need your very own support. 

....................................

: 7th October 2017.

: 10.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: For those who haven't watched a Korean drama entitled 'Reply 1988', 

I highly recommend you to watch it. Seriously. Trust me.

Untitled, 2017

If I can only once see you [Untitled, GDragon]

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: 8th June 2017.

: 1.20 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I don't why I am so hormonal these days.

I'll be happy then the next second I'll be sad and then without a warning, I'll be so moody.

Just so you know, my emotions might change, but my heart still remains the same.

Privacy breached?

The ticking of the clock

Let me ask you one question.

How would you feel if someone opened your letter before you?

Oh, another question.

What would you feel if someone checked your result (online) before you? And without your consent? How would you respond to that?

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For some people, they might think that heyy it is nothing. You might think that you can do that and get away being forgiven by that person if you are close to that person. But, please think about it one more time. Would you like it if you were waiting for that result yourself, but then someone came along and said, "Heyy, I know your result. I checked it just now." Come on, ask yourself that one.

Oh, you might say I will be okay with that because I don't mind people spoiling the ending of certain movies. But no. It is totally not the same with movie spoiler. Why? Because this is my personal stuff. My result. Not yours. Not anybody's.

I am honestly sad and disappointed that this happened to me. I just don't know whether I am being over-dramatic or oversensitive but never in my life I would do that to others. I still remember how some of my friends used to say how they don't like it if people scroll the photos in their handphone without their consent. Even though this is not the same thing, still it is a breach of privacy.

Never in my life I would use my friend's ID and all to check their results. Because I know, they have the rights to check their own results before me. It is their affairs. Their personal result. And if I am dying to know, I will come up to them and ask them. If we are close, of course they will end up telling. Because to sneak around and check their results without them knowing is totally a breach of privacy. And it shows how you don't respect them to give them the rights to know their own results first. 

The moment I knew someone checked my result before me, I was speechless. I didn't know what to reply. And after some time, the disappointment kicked in. I have tried my best to think positive out of this and I guess people make mistakes; especially when they are excited or nervous. But I hope this won't happen again; to me and to you. Because believe me, the feelings are ugly.

Remember, everyone is entitled to know their own matter first. Unless they tell you to check for them. Respect them enough to ask them first. Let this be a lesson to us all.

...............................

: 29th May 2017.

: 2.45 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I just checked my egtukar result a few minutes ago.

He said, "All that glitters is not gold."

Up until today, I just don't understand how; with my messy mind and complicated thoughts, I am loved by others. I have a lot weaknesses, plus, no matter how people see me as someone who is calm and can help people in sorting their thoughts (I think), I am still a person who has a lot of insecurities and doubts about myself.

Always, not just sometimes, I feel rather unloved. Not that people around me don't love me enough, in fact they love me more than I deserve, but I always have this stupid thought that they just love me because I need love and support. One of my friends used to scold me a lot because of this stupid, irrational thought. But no matter how, I can't stop thinking that way once in a blue moon. 

I know it is unfair for those who truly, genuinely love me. My family, for example. I know they love me so much, but when things are difficult, I want them to be by my side but mannnn, being in Jeli, distance just sucks. Oh, not just distance. The phone line also sucks, which contributes to poor internet connection. Oh man, you never know how much cursing I have done every single time the line has failed me. I know patience is a virtue, but hey, try being here and tell me about it.

I know I don't do justice to Jeli by condemning this place only. I admit, Jeli is a peaceful place, full of trees and by being surrounded by hills, the air is so fresh and most of the mornings are so cold (a good kind of cold) in which I like so much. Have I mentioned to you about the traffic? Oh man, the traffic is sooooooooooooo not like Penang. Traffic jam? Nah-neverrrrr. Oh, I take it back, once there was a traffic jam though, thanks to Le Tour de Langkawi. Not that I am complaining though, because.....sports is lifeeeeeee (at least to my beloved ones). I should see the good things in Jeli, right? I know, I know. But please, try to understand meeeeeeee.

So, at the end of this long post, I just want to say I thank Allah for you. Yes, you who without fail will love me despite all my messy thoughts and all my dark sides. Thanks, dear you (you know who you are). No matter what I might say or do, deep down I do cherish your presence in my life. Please continue to love me okay? 

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Grammar note:

'You' can be a singular subject (pronoun)

or a plural subject.

You decide. 

Hihi.

: 12th March 2017.

: 8.42 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: My mom has transferred to Malacca.

So now I have two homes; one in Penang and one in Malacca.

Oh, distanceeeeeeeee. Sakit bahu cheq nak drive jauhhh.

Chapter 1: New Year, New You.

It's a beautiful life [Crush]

Wow, it has been such a while since I last wrote something here. A lot of things happened throughout the last two months in which I had no time to properly sit down and write. Oh well, I did have time watching drama series, of course, but with the pathetic line here in Jeli, you should probably understand why I didn't write anything. 

Allah has been so wonderful to me. His abundant blessings to me each day make me feel so unworthy for I have been not a good muslim as I should be. Even so, I am learning to be grateful day by day though there were times when I failed to do so. 

You know what, we human beings always compare ourselves with others. When we don't get what we want, we always look at those around us and envy them for all the nicer things in life that they are blessed with. We will compare and think; "Oh Allah, why can't I be like them? Why do I have to wait? When is my turn? Why do I have to suffer? Why me, Allah, why?". As we do that, we will feel so depressed and feel out of love. However, when we are happy, we forget that the very exact moment is what we always pray for. We forget that we are so blessed. We forget that Allah has answered our prayers in the form He knows that it is the best for us. 

Wake up. Remember what Allah says? "If you are grateful, I will give you more" [Ibrahim, 14:7]

So, dear self, please please please, whenever you feel that life is unfair, remember that Allah is withholding something from you just to give something better in return. Trust Him. 

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: 12th January 2017.

: 11.00 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Let us pray and be grateful for each day and each blessing.

And tell you what, no matter what happens, you are one of the blessings.

I am indeed blessed to have you in my life. Thank you.