That blog of a friend of mine.

How many nights how you wish someone would stay? Lied awake only hoping they're okay? [One Direction]

 

Sometimes, these are the words that I want to say the most.

Especially at times like this,

to that dear friend of mine.

................

 When your relationship with the Almighty is weak,

you'll see every small problem as massive,

too big for you to handle.

Strengthen the link! 

-Dr Bilal Philips

................

The world is a book 

and those who don't travel

have only read one page.

: 31st October 2015.

: 10.30 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, I woke up early just to do blog-walking while listening to ballads.

After reading one of my friends' blog, I couldn't help but to reminisce.

You are right, dear. All those times we were in the U.K,

it's like we were in a sweet dream; having the best time of our lives.

And after watching a video you made of our 34 hours journey from KLIA to Plymouth,

I find myself missing you, missing our friends,

and missing all those memorable trips together.

How reminiscing actually works.

Doushiteeeeeeeee [Tohoshinki]

"The earliest memories of me are the ones that I remember the most. I cannot recall what happened to me six months ago, let alone two weeks ago. As time passes, pieces and traces of a memoir are slowly recollecting; while things that are happening in this brief now are being recaptured, then forgotten, and finally, retraced."

.....................

This guy reminds me of kani.

Kani= crab.

The best thing of watching this guy in the Japanese shows is the food that he ate.

Tonkutsu ramen? Sushi zanmai? Takoyaki? Kani? 

Urghhh, what a tease. I want fooooooood!

....................

I know that I always write about past memories-- my longing for the past; however, no matter how I tried so hard not to think of the past memories, I just could not stop doing that. And today, out of all the old videos I have in my collection, I decided to watch Tohoshinki's Japanese shows. I don't know why but after I reached home from school, I suddenly had this urge to watch them speaking Japanese, so yeah, that led to me being a bit emotional reminiscing the old times. Maybe I had enough of listening to English and Kelantanese dialect, I supposed. Ahhaha. But watching them makes me think of the times when I followed them and the times when I was an active member of the fandom. 

After the fandom has been split into two (ohh the drama I still remember ohhhh the drama of the year ahhaha), I find that it is hard for me to keep up with the fandom(s) anymore. I am no longer active in following that mismatched eyes now (I don't even watch the drama he is in ahhaaa sorry dear) and I guess that makes me feel a bit melancholic and guilty? (maybe but not really oppssss e he he he). With three of them are in the military now and this mismatched eyes will soon follow their footsteps, I guess there is nothing in store for me at the moment. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't feel the same anymore. Time does change people's hearts, huh? My heart to be exact. Plus, work and life have finally caught up with me. Not that I'm complaining though. Life has to go on, right people? Move along move along now.

: 13th September 2015.

: 9.55 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I find it cute to watch them struggling to find the right words in Japanese.

I understand that struggle so much.

The struggle of learning the second language.

Of that awkward yet sweet two.

I can't forget your love [2PM]

"You all have a little bit of 'I want to save the world' in you, that's why you're here, in college. I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that person is you."

.....................

The problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.

—  Ram Dass

........................

"People will always say things about your look and personality. Don't take it personally and make big changes to meet their expectation. What's more important is what you say to yourself. Always keep a positive attitude about your own self image."

One of my friends was amazed at my ability to sleep like a log on a moving vehicle.There was also this one girl who happened to sit beside me on a bus from Pudu to Butterworth (this happened a few years back)--she said to me, "Wah, best nya tido." A ha ha haaa. Of course I had such a great time sleeping because when I am not driving, I shall rejoice in my slumber. 

: 8th September 2015.

: 9.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: On my way back from my Physics extra class today, it was raining heavily.

All of the sudden, my thoughts went to an old programme I used to watch.
And here I am re-watching the first episode of that show. Aishhh memories.

Untuk semua pertanyaan yang belum sempat terjawab.

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta [Melly Goeslow]

Adalah cinta yang mengubah jalannya waktu,

Kerana cinta, waktu terbahagi dua,

Dengan, dan rindu untuk membalik masa.

..................

I woke up today to a sudden urge of watching an Indonesian movie; Ada Apa Dengan Cinta (AADC). For those who still remember, this movie was a hit when it came out around year 2002. I had this vague memories that I once watched this movie with a bunch of my friends at that time. We watched it together at one of my friends' house on a hot evening. I still remember that we ate keropok and drank cold orange juice while watching. However, no matter how I cracked my brain, I seemed to forget who I was with. The memories were kind of jumbled up and this made me feel saddened with the realisation that; the memories in my heart are starting to fade away as each day passes by. Is this what people called; being forgetful? Or does this happen to most of you?

That is why I tend to write things down in this blog. So that, one day, when a piece of memories suddenly flashes through my thoughts, I will be able to track it down and reminisce it as it really was. 

While watching both AADC movie and a LINE commercial of AADC 2014 (you can check it out on the youtube or click on the above picture), I couldn't help but feel a sinking sadness tugging at my own heart. How time flies and how people change. Change is not a bad thing, but the sadness of watching someone or something you know has changed is unevitable. 

And here I am, feeling a tad bit sad and melancholic while listening to the poems recited by both Rangga and Cinta in AADC.

.....................

Detik tidak pernah melangkah mundur,
Tapi kertas putih itu selalu ada.

Waktu tidak pernah berjalan mundur,
Dan hari tidak pernah terulang,
Tetapi pagi selalu menawarkan cerita yang baru.

Untuk semua pertanyaan yang belum sempat terjawab.

: 4th April 2015.

: 12.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Can someone rearrange the missing pieces of my memories?

Just who, who are the friends that I spent time together watching this?

Please tell me.

Where to begin?

Hurm...where to begin? It has been quite some time since I last wrote anything here. Not writing anything implies either two things; too busy to write anything or too many things to write. 

December has been quite a busy month for me. Weddings, meeting up with friends, watching movies with siblings, doing household shopping with family and even spending some me-time had gotten me so caught up in so many things which left me with lesser time to sit down and write.

I guess I can start by writing what comes to my mind regardless the sequence of events then. Well, here I go:

1. Watching movies at midnight with my siblings has become one of the activities that I look forward to. 
2. In this month alone, my siblings and I had watched four movies together; Big Heroes 6, The Mockingjay Part 1, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies and Manisnya Cinta di Capadoccia. 
3. I feel kinda sad knowing that The Hobbit trilogy has come to an end. J.R.R Tolkien is such a great writer and Peter Jackson is such a great director. Thank you for bringing this awesome story into my life.
4. I have spent more than I should this month. Thanks to my siblings who always in need of something related to school (insert sarcasm here).
5. Most of my friends are married this month. On average, I have to attend at least two weddings at two different places on the same day. Just imagine how late I was for the second wedding. 
6. Sometimes, whatsapp can be sooooooo disturbing. You know, especially when people keep pestering us to do things or ask us about things that we don't know the answer to or feel like answering. Please, give me some space. Or maybe you can ask somebody else?
7. I never like to do house chores and this time, since I am at home, I have to do all of that (most of that) and I have to cook for lunch and dinner too (sometimes)! Arghhhh!
8. The busiest time of the day for me is before and after lunch. Please don't contact me around that time cos I won't be able to entertain you. Yeah, you, dear insurance agent or whoever you are.
9. My family and I are the type of people who don't really plan ahead. That is why I don't really have plans most of the time. I will just go with the flow. Sorry for the inconvenience caused.
10. One of my friends said this to me; "Sometimes, no plan is a good plan." I can totally relate to that as for one of my friends' wedding, I managed to meet up with two dear friends that I never expected to see. Thanks to the last minute decision I took ahhahhaha (konon).
11. I had surpassed my own record for driving long hours. This time I drove from 3 p.m until 4 a.m the next day. Such a long, tiring journey it was.
12. One thing I hate about driving at night is the high beam that the other (irresponsible) drivers tend to use. Highway pun nak guna high beam ke gilo betul.
13. Two of my dear friends whom I hold close to my heart are already married. I kinda feel sad though I am truly happy seeing them happy. It feels different now. I don't know how to explain this.
14. I have been watching a cute couple for a couple of episodes now. Such cutie pies.
15. I forgot to mention that I finally have a new handphone yeeeehuuuuuu alhamdulillah.
16. Bringing my friends travel around Penang island is not a piece of cake. As a Penangite, I am ashamed of myself. Ada ke sesat kat negeri sendiri cehh buat malu je.
17. Do you know how Penangites drive? Yeah, the adverb is crazily. They drive crazily. Just like me.
18. Miss Pudding Caramel oopps sorry, Mrs Pudding Caramel's food during her wedding is awesome. Soooo nogori. My dad loves daging salai masak lomak and my mom loves pulut tapai there. Me? I love the eggs. Telur pindang kot nama dia. Sodap bonar.
19. There are two types of newly weds; those who sincerely entertain and thank people who come to their wedding and those who are just so eager of taking photos with their spouse. Orang datang kenduri kot, at least datanglah tegur dan cakap thanks sebab datang. Oh please scold me if I ignore you guys during my wedding.
20. Despite the happiness of holidays, movies and weddings, there are also unfortunate people who face calamities and tragedies in their lives. Please pray for those affected from the flood and the missing planes. And also those who face problems that they can't share with others. They need prayers from all of us.

.......................................

Be strong, dear you.

You know who you are.

And you know how I am willing to help 

though I am not capable enough to lift it all from you.

May Allah help you, strong beautiful soul (s).

: 29th December 2014.

: 9.45 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: Fatigue and lack of sleep made me cranky. 

Sorry to those who got caught in the whirlwind.

Everyone has their own battles to fight.

Sad Love [ Lee Jung ]

I snapped a photo of an interesting quotation during my School Based Experience (SBE) once upon a time ago in the U.K.

.......................

I am blessed with friends whose spirits are tougher than steel, yet warm at hearts. My doctor friends are sure physically and emotionally tough. Not to mention my lawyer friends. Oh, and my engineer friends too. Oh, and my other friends with their own profession which I can't name them all. And hey, don't you ever forget my educator friends! They are all indeed superheroes. Superheroes in their own way.

Jobless? Hey, jobless friends are equally tough. Being jobless requires as much patience as others with profession; but well, in other sense. Still, it is tough. I understand it perfectly. Why? Because we are in the same boat. 

Dear friends, let's go through this storm of emotions and waves of expectations because we'll definitely reach the land of hope some day. We will, God willing. Have faith.

......................

Despite the dry season (no raiiinnnnnn we need raiiinnnnnnn), my brain is getting rusty. 

I don't know how the water can get into my brain though. 

You know, water + steel = rust. Ahhahha.

Oh well, lame. Just lame. 

: 26th February 2014.

: 11.00 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I had a sweet breakfast date with my doctor friend and a soon-to-be Occupational Therapist friend.

Faraway dream, it must be.

Rolling [Jiyeon]

"Time is priceless, but it's free. You can't own it, you can use it. You can spend it, but you can't keep it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back." 

— Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler’s Wife)

.......................

Today, I walked down a memory lane. I visited my tumblr account and looked through all the posts starting from the first post itself. How things have changed and how I have changed throughout the years. The types of pictures, quotations, songs and gifs I reblogged; they have changed from time to time. I started as an 'emo' teenager back then and gradually change into a more grateful human being (though sometimes I need to be reminded to be grateful). I noticed how lucky and carefree I was despite the struggles I had those times. Oh, how ridiculous I was for thinking that those dark days would never leave, because, they did. They left me and better days did come in between. Oh dear self, please learn from this. Please keep telling yourself you can overcome any upcoming dark days; because believe me, you had and you will. 

By the way, I started tumblring on February 2011. It has been three years, right? 

.......................

People say to me, "You've changed."

And I say, "Haven't you? People change, it's just life."

: 24th February 2014.

: 1.30 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I received a call from a dear friend of mine last night.

She is one of my dear friends who are strong in their own ways.

I have learnt a lot from her and I have yet to learn more from such strong people.

Of teasers, ff, fandoms and variety shows.

Unforgettable [TVXQ]

If you feel that the distance between You and Allah is growing, 

just remember, He Hasn't moved an Inch!

............................

“Think of hope the minute you feel miserable with your life. Take up the habit of finding joy in the smallest of things in life. Also, hold the hand of the person next to you. Don’t think that you’re the only one living in this world."

[Kim Jaejoong]

.........................

“Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy.”

[Rumi]

: 17th February 2014.

: 11.58 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I was feeling a bit nostalgic the moment I woke up today.

I ended up disturbing the two dorky friends that I once shared both crazy and hilarious moments

spazzing on Kpop once upon a time when I was still in the U.K.

I know that growing up means we have to get rid of certain childish and unnecessary things,

but I can't help from reminiscing those moments. Let me visit the old me again, please?

We are still kids; especially around each other.

Cinta kita di Pantai Merdeka

"Reconnecting with an old friend is probably one of the best feelings ever. It just feels so nice to know that someone you last talked to years ago still remembers who you are and everything. I know it's such a little thing but it means a lot to me. It shows me that although certain things in life are forgotten, friendships aren't."

..........................

I had so much fun these few days with the presence of my friends during my primary school era, here in Penang. Thanks to one of our friends' wedding day because without such thing, we would not be able to get together and reminisce our childhood times. I was the driver for the two-days-getaway trip and the wedding of course (we were almost late to my friend's akad nikah fuhhhh thank God we made it on time) while my other friend, Miss Lawyer-to-be was the host for the weekend. Even though my house is just ten minutes from hers, I decided to tag along and sleepover at her place. Yeahhhh, we got to sleep late and talk about our childhood times, our current lives, our crushes and all (he he he, not to mention heartbreaks too *sigh*). When we were together, no matter how old we are, we acted like we are primary school kids. We felt like kids again. We felt like all those years apart were never there. Here's to never growing up! (tetiba lagu Avril Lavigne pulak dah). Anyway, spending time with them made me discover a lot of things in which I had unconsciously forgotten in the process of growing up. I guess I should write somewhere about all those 'discoveries' or else I might forget it again. My brain needs exercise, oh my.

...........................

The funniest thing is: everybody in my Year 6 class watched the telenovela 'La Usurpadora' at that time and each one of us had our own character based on that telenovela. Hahaha, how cute. 

: 9th February 2014.

: 10.00 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I still remember how cool it was for someone to own a walkman at that time.

Now, I don't think people still remember what a walkman is ;p

If things are out of order, make it part of a surprise.

I know I'm tough enough

......................

I went into the empty class this morning, alone. I wrote something on the board. Something that I had in my heart for such a long time. Something that I wanted to say to my dear comrades all these while. Something that I really meant to say from the bottom of my heart. 

You know what else I did?

I sat down in that empty class alone, re-visualising all the havoc moments, the arguments, the presentations, the photography sessions and the preparations for every occasions that were once happened in that empty class. The class that we loved to stay for the air-conditioner but also the same class that we hated to go for the never-ending workloads. 

: 23rd May 2013.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Kelantan, Malaysia.

: Something was wrong with my car tyre and I went to change it.

Literally just a few more days. A few more days.

You left me praying for a single drop of rain oh

This is the monologue that I had once upon a time in a relief class during the Practicum period.

Wow, 10 minutes have just passed? Why so slow?
20 minutes in this class is like a 2 hours of war.
You're right, the boys are playing with the stick of the chair.
They are noisy, but at least they are not fighting.
Most of them resorted to sleeping which is good.
I just don't feel like shouting or saying anything.
I will just look at them and pretend that I write their names. I use this method a lot you see.
It's until time before they realise that my method is just a mere pretense. 

Oh wow, alhamdulillah, finally the bell rings! 

  

............................................................

This is the monologue that I had once upon a time in a kayak during the BIG programme.

Oh no, my partner looks unreliable.
I guess I just have to paddle like there's no tomorrow!
No, no, let me get that paddle on my own! Oh well, since he took it for me, oh well, thanks.
Hey, he is not that bad.
I guess I can just say that I do not know how to kayak ahhaha.
It's too hottttttt. Oh sun, why nowwwwww.
Hurry hurry, paddle paddleeeee I cannot take this hot heat.
Oh wait, I can see the land now yehuuuuuu.

Oh wow, alhamdulillah, finally we made it!

: 13th May 2013.

: 07.17 p.m.

: Kelantan, Malaysia.

: Sad and gloomy. In need of positive vibes. Hey you, look!

At the end of the day you will say "Oh wow, alhamdulillah, finally I made it!"

Just you wait and see. He will not burden you more than you can bear.

You are now a million steps ahead.

I will fight till forever

The truth is, I am envious of you. But despite that, I am extremely happy for you. It has been a dream of you, her, me, them and us all. Even though that dream was a patch of our old memories, still, it was and still is our dream. Take care there. I am proud of you. May Allah protect you. In case anything, do know that our prayers are with you.

: 16th April 2013.

: 11.40 p.m.

: Kelantan, Malaysia.

: I am the type of friend who does not keep in touch much, 

yet still remembers and prays that you still remember me.

I'm drowning in a sea of nostalgia.

It's like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right

After 3 years abroad, I am finally home. Back with my family, back with my good old stuff, back with my cats (there are numerous of them now, I can't differentiate which is which) and back with what I left 3 summers ago. Honestly, I thought coming home would be the most anticipated phase that I longed few days ago, when I was still in the U.K. But after a while, I started to miss the place that I have just left. Whenever I look at the sky, my mind will wander and trace back how was the sky look like back in the U.K. Whenever I eat, I will compare and imagine what will I eat if I were still in the U.K. But, at the same time, I just want to be here with my family. To be here with the ones I love. Complicated, isn't it? Can I be considered ungrateful? For not being thankful being home at last? For not being able to be grateful for the three years life in the U.K? 

I spent quite a few days thinking what do I really feel about this whole thing. In solitude, I finally realised that, home is not a definite place, but home is where my heart is. And in this case, I have two homes. One is here, where I am sitting and typing all of these, and another one is over there. The place that I have just left. I might not be coming back to that home, but that home and the people used to be there with me will always be there in my heart. 

Dear friends, thanks for being a part of that home. May Allah bless all of you :) 

...............

In Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards and forwards, it takes us to a place where we ache to go again.

: 13th June 2012.

: 09.50 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: Is it still raining in Plymouth, I wonder.

Of umeboshi and the sick soul.

Wahai kawan-kawan, mari dengar cerita

"Ya Allah, jadikanlah kami generasi ulul albab, yang belajar mencari isi di sebalik buku-buku, 

bukan sekadar kulitnya. Ameeennn."

................

"Ada umeboshi yang menakjubkan di belakang awak."

: 25th May 2012.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Walau kita jauh, terima kasih sahabat.

How old is your soul?

So let's set the world on fire

"You know that place between sleeping and awake, 

that place where you can still remember dreaming? 

That's where I'll always think of you."

Peter Pan, J.M Barrie.

........................

Maybe, maybe, maybe, and if wishes were horses, I'd gallop.

: 21st May 2012.

: 01.06 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Counting days, and counting memories.

I miss the days I saw you smiling.

Kurasakan pudar dalam hatiku

This picture is taken during an outing with the girls in Torquay, United Kingdom.

.............

Pesan Lukmanul Hakim:

"Wahai anakku, ketahuilah, sesungguhnya dunia ini bagaikan lautan yang dalam. Ramai yang telah karam di dalamnya. Jika engkau mahu selamat, layarilah lautan itu dengan sampan yang bernama takwa, isinya ialah iman dan layarnya adalah tawakkal kepada Allah."

[12.24 a.m, 29th October 2008]

...............


Clouds remind me of you.

: 4th May 2012.

: 04.56 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Listening to a song that was used during the orientation week in matriculation college.

It's half past two, and I think of you.

It's OK baby, please don't cry

"Sadness is always the legacy of the past; regrets are the pains of the memory."

...............................

Dear you,  

It's half past two in the morning. I have gone to bed an hour ago, but until now, I just can't shut my eyes. I have been trying to get myself to sleep, but nothing works. I am left alone, staring into nothingness in the dark. In this darkness, I hear nothing but silence. And in silence, I think of you.  

I have a confession to make. People say, whatever happens, life must go on. But no matter how I say I have moved on, there's always a part of me who never really left. It never was and I'm really afraid if it never will. What more at times like this, at times when days are dark and gloomy. I once thought it was the winter that made me like this; sad and lonely. But, as I stare into the ceiling tonight, I realise that it's not the winter. It's me, myself.  

It has been more than two years since you left. Left me with a stab of pain in the chest, whenever I think of those days. Left me with a hint of regret, whenever I remember what I had done. I was a jerk, I know. I shouldn't do such things. But I didn't know what to do at that time. I really didn't know. Even if we had only known each other for less than two months, you were such a good person. You really were. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry for being such a jerk.

I thought I would be able to mend things back, I thought I could tell you the reasons why and I always thought I would have the chance to say I'm sorry. But I was wrong. If only death doesn't separate us. 

And no, I'm not questioning what He has planned for me. I know He wants me to learn something, but, I just, feel... I don't know, I just, feel... some sort of...guilty, and... regret. And to tell you the truth, I was and am really grateful to know you. But no matter what I felt those days, regret is what left of me, now.

.......................

"Feeling like your sins are too great for you to even ask for forgiveness; 
is belittling God's mercy."

: 09th January 2012.

: 02.30 a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Lately, I found myself even lonelier than before.
Maybe because I don't spend much time with Him, that's why.

Eight winters ago.

If a red balloon flies in the sky, my heart remembers beautiful memories

"Everything has a beginning and we started with a hug." 

"Memories are what warm you up from the inside,

but they are also what tear you apart."

: 26th December 2011.

: 00.37 a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Eight years of happiness, sorrow and love.
There's no use in telling anyone, because they won't understand.
Happy 8th anniversary. Just be strong, five of you. And me.

Momento, por favor.

I'm a loner, I'm a loner, daradiridaraduu

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

[ Malaga, 19th December 2011 ]

...............................

"...because beauty, as truth and righteousness, 

are an antidote for pessimism, 

and an invitation to take pleasure in life, 

a shaking of the soul that provokes the longing for God." 

[ Cordoba, 20th December 2011 ]

................................

"Both of them are from different worlds, but they respect each other.

The respect that they have makes them a perfect match."

[ Madrid, 21st December 2011 ]

...............................

"We would spend hours together,  most of the time saying nothing at all, 

and it was in this quiet, unassuming way that we finally became friends."

-Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

[ London Paddington- Plymouth, 22nd December 2011 ]

: 24th December 2011.

: 02.17 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Oh Allah, please grant us light whenever darkness is approaching.

Ten years ago.

Tell me why I can't be there where you are

"It becomes increasingly easy, as you get older, to get drown in nostalgia."

............................

Dear Miss Lalita, I can't believe you still remember all those things we did when we were in primary school. I almost forgot all those things until you told me. Did I really use my science book to get rid of the ants on the wall near our desks? Why didn't you stop me from doing that? That's animal cruelty! And wow, I never knew you were also one of those 'lucky' students who got the golden opportunity to be punished in front of the class. I thought I was the only one. Ahha. Oh, about the camping. Ahhaha, until now I can still remember our parents' faces when we told them we want to camp. Where? Behind Miss Bubbly's house. Oh yeah, just behind her house. And when the night falls, we complained about the mosquitoes. Oh, and Miss Bubbly was trying her best to sneak in her own house to watch Pua Chu Kang. Ahhaha, don't play play ah. Precious memory that is.

: 15th December 2011.

: 09.30 a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I still remember the road we once took to go to school together.

Do you still remember?