Sometimes people just want to know if they are loved.

Jika ada yang bilang ku berubah, jangan kau dengar

"What do you think is going on?"
"I feel too much. That's what going on."
"Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?"
"My insides don't match up with my outsides."
"Do everyone's insides and outsides match up?"
"I don't know. I'm only me."
"Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside."
"But it's worse for me."
"I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him."
"Probably. But it really is worse for me."

[Extremely loud and incredibly close, Jonathan Safran Foer]

......................

The code is: 767

The hint is: The last alphabet

: 18th December 2012.

: 10.58 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I love the boy in the story more than the story itself.

...and build a lego house.

When things go wrong we can knock it down [Lego House, Ed Sheeran]

And it's dark in a cold December,

but I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broke I'll mend ya

and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

: 5th December 2012.

: 10.04 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be insane 

by those who could not hear the music.

Larger than life.

Kau terima apa adaku [Cinta Bersatu, Liyana Jasmay]

It has been quite a while, hasn't it? I hope you are doing fine there. Me? Alhamdulillah, I am fine. You know what, I went to Jengka, Pahang last Saturday. Wohoo, it was a long journey. Tiring, but it was worth it. One of my friends got married. Oh, you don't know how I felt knowing that she is now someone's wife. I pray that she will always be blessed by Him. Dear Penggemar Biru Bayi, you deserve all the happiness dear :)

People around me started to question that one BIG question. When are we gonna get married? When are YOU gonna get married? Well, that you is referring to me, in case you don't know. Ahha. What a question. Honestly, I just don't know. Marriage is not a picnic. It's not easy to make a decision to get married. A lot of things need to be considered. Oh, I just don't know. God has the answer, I shall say. I guess, prayers will do for now. Let us pray for the best. If it's time, then be it. If it's not, then be it.

Holidays are going to end pretty soon. Can I stop the time? Days passed real quick these days. Maybe due to my hectic days, or maybe because I had so many things to do in so little time. I have been learning to drive cars automatically. Hey, don't laugh at me. It's easier learning manual okay. Oh gosh, you might throw a pillow at me. But really, I found that driving cars manually is much more enjoyable. At least I can use both feet, ahha. Tak munasabah punya alasan. And...after a few nights driving with my mom as the driving sifu and my siblings as the driving evaluators, alhamdulillah, all praise to Allah, I made it. I finally made it! Yehuuuuuu. I don't know what's gotten into me but up until recently, I found that driving is fun. However, that doesn't mean I like to be a driver okay. Ahhahha, it's just I love to go around and discover places on my own. Hey, you just don't know how many times I got lost in my own state. Huuuh. You just name it. I drove till palm oil plantation, I drove till the narrow roads at the paddy field, I drove till the entrance to the bridge, I drove in a big, head-spinning traffic jam, ohhhh what a failure in directions I am. Heh. My advice is, next time before you wanna drive, please, please and please, get your direction right. Or else...

Now, let me say a word, or a few words about my cats. They are cute, I love them so much, but hey Tompok, please don't scratch that! Hey you little kittens, please don't poop anywhere you like. Hey hey, stop. Don't you ever get near to all those fried fish. Stop! My cats? They are lovable I assure you. But. Let me repeat that. But, no matter what, they are worth the patience. They are. 

......................................

“It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season–like all the other seasons–is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but also to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them.” 

–Lemony Snicket

: 4th December 2012.

: 08.55 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I know you are somewhere out there. Hope to meet you soon :)

We went to Istanbul. Just two of us.

Just like caffeine [Caffeine, Yang Yoseob]

Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places 

where other people see nothing.

.........................................

When a friend does something wrong, 

don't forget all the things they did right.

.........................................

A short walk is difficult, when no one walks with you.

But a long journey is just a few steps,

when you walk with someone who loves and cares for you.

.........................................

Had a lovely talk with a friend. 

It's not everyday people listen and accept my opinions. 

I feel loved.

: 28th November 2012.

: 08.30 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Thank you for everything.

This will be our forever secret.

S.O.S.

This is the reality now.

Let us not be ignorant.

Let us pray for everyone.

: 26th November 2012.

: 05.54 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: It's not about being a hero, it's about helping others in need.

Andante as our secret code? Really?

Will you love me, even with my dark side? 

Dear you,

No wonder I feel so tempted to look at my dashboard tonight. You wrote something, eh? Dear, I am so sorry for not being able to be there for you, lending my shoulder and keeping you company when things are rough. Distance does make things difficult but dear, prayers will reach you even if you are the end of the world. 

Hey, people will disappoint us, but not Him. You taught me that once upon a dark day. Well, if this is a nightmare, we both will definitely wish for someone to wake us up. Quickly. But dear, this is not a nightmare. This is life. You know the thing about life is? Life is unpredictable. Life is like a box of chocolates. Some may taste sweet, some may not. I guess now is the bitter part of life, then. Dear, please don't compare yourself with others. Comparison never brings happiness. You are beautiful the way you are. "No need make-up, to cover up, the way you are is enough-ough-ough~" Oppsie, too much One Direction on radio these days, eh. Ahhaha. Okay, that's not funny. 

God is the Best Planner. Indeed, He is. Yup, go with the flow then. If the tide is too strong, hang on there. Just hang on. You know I'll try my best to at least inform the safety guard on the beach. Well, I can't swim. Ahha. Others reading this will think what a stupid analogy I am trying to write here, but hey, both of us love to use stupid and weird analogy like this ehhe. You take care there too. Please, and please don't stop praying. For your own happiness, for me and for everyone we love. See you soon, God willing. And dear, all the best! :)

P/S: I haven't listened to Andante to be honest with. 

: 26th November 2012.

: 01.16 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: The movie was great. We had a great time.

But it will be more great with you around :) 

What kind of riddle is that?

Ku tepiskan semua keraguan jiwa

To whom it may concern,

Please pray for us.
Please pray for Gaza.

: 23rd November 2012.

: 11.15 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: You and your weird questions got me there. 

Be positive.

I never feel so alone.

Do not overthink, dear.

You'll find us chasing the sun [Chasing the sun, The Wanted]

See the Mansion.

Only then, we will stop playing in the dollhouse.

.........................

There is no power and strength except with Allah The Almighty.

.........................

News about a friend of mine in a critical situation is circling around. Can't help but feeling sad for her, for her family, and for her loved ones. This is a test; both for her, and for people around her. God is The All-Knowing, He knows she can make it, He knows everyone around her can make it too. Be strong. May Allah grant upon all of us the strength to go through all the trials He puts us in. 

: 2nd November 2012.

: 04.57 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: That was random, but thank you for that :)

God is love, right?

I won't give up on us [I won't give up, Jason Mraz]

Oh Allah, The Most Loving, please shower us with Your endless love. Ameeen.

: 1st November 2012.

: 01.15 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: All we need now is love. Be strong, dear friends.

Hatred won't get us anywhere. Love will, God willing :)

Everybody has their own struggle, so be kind.

At times I feel used [Fallin', Alicia Keys]

Since the Langkawi trip, my body feels so weak. So does my spirit. 

I just don't know whether this is right or wrong. 

Most of the times when I am about to sleep, there are always people coming in and talking and talking without really considering me.  

Every time I am about to explode, I just resort in being silent.  

People keep pushing me and ordering me around without really considering my state of mind and it is really patience-testing to be honest with.  

I am trying my best to be super alert with the emails and text messages so that they can do their work, yet, I myself haven't done a single thing for my work. 

Yes, I am not a good driver, so please, understand my fears and insecurities. 

Most of the shops are closed, however, there are a lot of empty stomachs need to be filled.  

The heat is killing me. If this continues, I doubt whether I can be as patient as I used to. 

Just because I don't say anything, it doesn't mean I am not angry.  

If you don't like people doing or saying things like that to you, please don't do it to me either. 

Ya Rabb, please oh please, give me strength to be patient. Please, ya Rabb, please.

: 27th October 2012.

: 03.00 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: People can disappoint us, but not God.

How can I have answers, when you drive me in questions?

I can't breathe easy [Breathe Easy, Blue]

If only I know what's best for me, for you, and for everyone, 

I wouldn't be like this.

It is not easy.

Prayers are needed. 

Up until now I still think that this is a drama,
but the truth is, it is not.

Can you figure it out for me, dear?

: 24th October 2012.

: 09.40 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I am such a strange human being. Until now I just can't figure out that thing.

Eagle warriors, we are.

Shine bright like a diamond

So many things happened this month. Oh gosh, look! This post is the first post for this month. Oh, how busy I was, am and will this month. There were two educational trips this month. And another one will come soon. Sigh. Honestly, it was tiring. I just didn't have enough time for myself. All I did was to please that person, this person, those people and...everyone. Have I ever told you that I just got back from the second trip, which is the trip to Langkawi today morning? Yes, today. At approximately 1.00 a.m. Yes. Thank goodness there was no class today. Alhamdulillah. At least I could rest, for a while. Have I ever told you that I played for badminton last few weeks? Or was it last week? Oh, sorry, I lost track of time. Have I ever told you that I rushed here and there just because my mom said that she's gonna come the day after she told me on the phone? Oh, that one. That was so absurdly sudden, yet, her presence and my brother's playful smiles were the ones that calmed me down during those dark, difficult, tiring days. Have I ever told you that I was so hungry during the grand dinner? Oh, my stomach was grumbling throughout the whole event. Thank goodness there were a lot of eye candies, ehem, I mean the video and erm, the gifts. A ha ha haa *awkward laugh*. Oh, have I ever told you that until now I haven't bought the car sticker from the office? Ahha, now only you know how busy I was. 

Oh, by the way, I didn't write this for throwing out my dissatisfaction over the busiest month ever (so far, I think more busier months are awaiting). I just wrote this to remind me the unwritten, hectic time I ever had until I didn't have time to finish my drama series. Oh yeah, it has been quite some time since I last see Changmin. Someone mentioned me by the name Miss Changmin and oh, the memories flooded in. I hope he is doing fine. He must be as busy as I am, ahhaha. Delusional me. 

The trips that we had this month were so unwelcoming but the memories during those two (please read, the sweet memories, not the bitter ones okay) were the ones that I will treasure till the end of my life, God willing. I could be so annoying at times, ignorant too, and even weird during the trips, but dear friends, do know that I was grateful for having you guys. We fought, we bickered and we hurt each other, but you guys were the ones who made everything a success. Sorry, and thank you. I am so gonna miss you guys, especially when we are about to be posted to every corner of this abundantly blessed Malaysia.

P/S: Subhanallah, Langkawi is such a beautiful island. 

Take me there some other time, okay? Ehhe.

: 24th October 2012.

: 03.00 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Nothing feels better than my own bed. 

Those who deserve love the least, need it the most.

Tuai padi antara masak

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to live life despite imperfections.

So be happy, 

because life is not perfect."

.....................................

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone 

who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself,

and that person is not to be found anywhere.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, 

deserve your love and affection.

..................................

Allah itu Ar-Rahman,

Dia bukan sahaja Maha Pemurah dan Maha Pemberi,

malah Dia memberi dengan kasih sayang.

Lihat dengan teliti,

dalam ujian juga terselit kasih sayangNya.

: 28th September 2012.

: 2.27 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: What would I become if I were not here in the first place? 

Things would be different.

I would be different.

Hurricane of emotions.

Killing me softly

If this is just a nightmare, 

please wake me up.

Please.

: 24th September 2012.

: 06.27 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I need to get away. From everything.

My eyes felt sore each day.

Tegarnya kau menari di atas tangisanku

Too many things in my head, 

too many emotions in my heart,

too many pain in my chest

and I might end up bursting out. 

Or shutting down. 

I guess, for now, safe to say that hibernating is the best option. 

....................

I was getting more sensitive these days.

Jokes were getting to hurt me.


And I need to get away from here. 
Please. 

: 23rd September 2012.

: 10.15 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I received my phone bill. And the scolding that came with it.

L1 interference.

Kau permaisuriku, pujaan hatiku, berikan aku satu senyuman yang terindah

I woke up early, wayyyyy too early today, just to wash my clothes (erm, using washing machine of course :p ) but until now, I am not able to do so. Oh, laris benor lah washing machine blok nih (=_=)

There's one cute kitten, well for me it's cute, but until now I can't find it anywhere on my floor. Probably on the first floor. Huh. Mentang-mentang cheq dok tingkat 4 (bebai :p )

Ehhehe, yeah, until now I don't know how to cuddle and play with kids, Miss. Maybe you are right, we have lots of adik that's why we couldn't be bothered. Ahhaha. Bakal mak mertua tengok mesti geleng kepala :p

I noticed that most of us are getting weird each day. Please be aware of others, dear. Even if you are sad or disappointed, please don't make us feel worried with your sad face. 

I have tried my best to cater you and everyone, and to be honest, it is very tiring. So, please, please, and please, consider me, consider us.

I am still reading the 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' book. It's a good book really, but not recommended to those who want a happy story. Cerita complicated sampai nak teruskan next page pun seriau. 

To the wife-to-be, I am very extremely happy for you dear. Your presence in my life never fails to make me smile, especially when I am having rough times. Thank you and may God bless you with abundance of blessings and happiness, now and days to come.

By the way, sebab hang lah aku dok tengok cerita yang ada Beto Kushairy. Ish ish ish, he has a contagious smile okay. It is very contagiously addictive. His smiles, I mean. Ahhaha.

Dreams, dreams, dreams. I dreamed I was still in my room back in Plymouth, looking at the bright blue sky through my window with a glass of Tropicana orange juice. With the heater on, of course. Ahha. Okay, dreams are only dreams. (insert an emoticon here, you choose)

Dear, I pray that God will always bless you for your patience, with every trials; with my crazy, dark side; with the heat; and with every weird people in your life. Sorry if my bebai disturbs you or make you riseeeuuu. You know how much I love you right. Heee. 

I got a cute present from a dear friend of mine, the one who gives me room to be free and to be me, the one who never pressures me with questions if I don't want to tell, the one who never fails to come out with weird recipe yet edible, the one whom I miss being with. Thank you :)

Jodoh, jodoh, jodoh. Semua orang stress sebab jodoh. Kenapa nak stress? Ada jodoh nanti, adalah. Ahhaha. Amboih, console diri sendiri nampak :p

My mom called this morning. Sorry mak. I am such a bad daughter, right? I am very sorry. 

Some people will love you. Some will hate you. But none of them can help or harm you--except by the permission of God.

: 21st September 2012.

: 9.32 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: Any other drama series with Beto Kushairy in it?

As long as you love me.

I'll be your platinum, I'll be your silver, I'll be your gold

Take it easy and don't worry about anything except today.

If you do what you have to do today,

all the tomorrows have 

a way of working things out by themselves.

: 15th September 2012.

: 08.25 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Smile looks good on you.

Pendulum.

I'll only stay with you one more night

No matter how serious life gets,

you will always need the company 

of the people you can be

completely stupid with.

....................................

I miss being with friends
who share the same passion and interest with me.
Anyone, please take me somewhere we can talk about books,
anime series, arts, song lyrics and stupid random things.

As long as it's not about stress, workload, assignments,
heartache or even third class mentality.
It is mind torturing, not mind blowing.

.................................

Some people can just post or write a status about something, or someone
without even really consider the real situation of the other side.
That is disturbingly disappointing.

: 14th September 2012.

: 06.32 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Is it me or all of the jokes are getting more sarcastic than before?

I understand that most of us are stressed, and hurt physically and mentally, but please,
don't make others feel even more hurt. Things might get out of the hand one day.

We make our choices, then our choices make us.

Harapan, harapan menjadi layu

Wow, the heat. And the dark clouds that follow behind. Oh, look! The dark clouds are approaching. Oh Oh Ohhh, Oh no, the clothes! There are a few girls, from different floors rushing here and there. That one girl, oh, look at how miserable she is. Dear, you don't have to frown like that. Rain is a blessing, you know. E he he hee. My radio sounds weird now. Oh yeah, the line is not that clear. Wind! Yeahh, alhamdulillah. Finally the wind is here. Thank You Lord. I thought the heat will last forever. Huh. *sigh of relief*

It's getting dark now. Not because night is approaching. But because those dark clouds are now here. If I were fifteen years younger, I would have gone outside and wait for the rain to come down. I would have brought my bicycle and off I go to chase for the rain. If only I were fifteen years younger. Oh, things were so much simpler those days. I didn't have to worry about a single thing. Oh, thank goodness those days criminals were not into kids. Or should I say, there were less crimes compared to nowadays? Huh *sigh of helplessness* What is happening to humanity? What is happening to the world?

I can now hear the thunder. I don't really like thunder. If there is thunder, I can't help to feel scared. No, no, no. That doesn't mean I am scared of thunder more than the wrath of God. That is a different thing, you know. I know that we must be afraid of doing something that He doesn't like more than everything, more than our fear of the creation, more than ghost, more than spider, but that doesn't mean if I am scared of thunder, I am not scared of His wrath. Seriously, that is a different thing.

Oh, I just can't understand why people like to make fuss of little things. For example, God gives us a lot of food to eat, but that doesn't mean we have to eat it all. We are given choices to like some food and to not like some other food. He gives us choices. Life is about making choices, you know. We can choose to like something, to dislike something, to do something, to not doing something, ohh, anything. Most of the times, it is not about the decision we made, it is more about the process of it; the choices that we had and how we chose and decided.

I feel quite sad recently. Or should I say a bit disappointed? I don't know. But yeah, a bit hurt, maybe. I feel quite hurt when people can just make their own decision but when I do the same, I am to be blamed. I had noticed this long time ago when some people could just do things that they like or want without telling me, but when I did the same, I was being scolded for not telling. At first I was okay with this unfair treatment, but as these things reoccurred, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I have my own feelings too, you know.

How can you expect me to tell you if you yourself don't tell me? I am given choices, so if it involves me, let me make my own choice. And please, respect my choice as I respect yours.

: 13th September 2012.

: 06.12 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Rather than assuming, please do ask me.
And if you ask me, I do care about you. Lots.

Checkmate.

I only miss you when I'm breathing

.............................................

“The objective of the game is to checkmate the opponent’s King 

by placing it under threat of capture which cannot be avoided.”

THE KING; his capture ends the game.
THE QUEEN; the most powerful and versatile character on the board.
THE BISHOP; amazing range but can only move on its colour—a piece that will surprise you.
THE KNIGHT; the irrational piece—the hardest to predict.
THE CASTLE; straightforward, stoic, and unmovable line of defense.
THE PAWN; the expendable, powerless, nameless soldier who may, if his actions are brave and his heart is true, become the most powerful piece on the board.

...........................................

So, in this game called life, which one are you?

.....

.....

Checkmate.

: 10th September 2012.

: 09.15 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I used to love playing chess with my father. Why? Because he loves it too :)

Doppelganger.

Aku yang patut, yang patut, berinya segala

Fill your life with love.

: 9th September 2012.

: 10.55 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: 143 :)

If only you know how much your hug means to me.

This is how you remind me

: 9th September 2012.

: 09.47 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corner of your mixed-up soul.

Scream my lungs out and try to get to you.

My current life soundtrack.

Oh okay. Not significant but nak bagitau jugak. Heh.

.................

Are we okay?

.................

"People scold you because they love you."

But what if you always get scolded? Does that mean they love you ? But why do they vent their anger at me?

.................

Now, seven people had told me that I am getting thinner and smaller compared to before.

Is it that obvious?

.................

That random person is the only sweet escape from this crazy world.

You won't be able to read this but thank you for being random. You made my day.

..................

Sorry. Really sorry.

..................

I need someone who can listen to me. Pronto. At this very instant.

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Fire in the hole.

Can you love my dark side?

"People don't care how much you know

until they know how much you care."

.....................................

There are times when I feel like shouting "STOPPPPP!"

....................................

Think before you ask. 

Think before you talk.

Is it appropriate?

Is it important?

Is it related to the context?

Is it safe enough to ask?

Will it hurt certain people?

: 4th September 2012.

: 00.42 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: If this continues, I might end up becoming a Liverpool fan.

A cup of cappucino for a nap.

And I swear, you're just like a pill

Despite the fact that it is windy and peaceful out there, I just can't bring myself to sleep. Or rather, I just don't want to have a long nap like usual. There are so many things inside my mind right now. Okay, I admit, I always have so many things running through my head.

Do you know that these days, I was stuck in a big hole of negativity and pessimism. I felt hurt but I didn't know how to voice it out. That is why these days, I tend to think how people always take me for granted. I always feel that just because I didn't say that I didn't like them doing certain things, they thought that it was okay to do that to me. But when I did the same thing, they scolded me and told me how hurt they were. That's not fair! Why can you do that to me but I can't do that to you? Why? Wohoo. These dark days, that is one of the things that I always think of. It is disturbing really, and often, when those thoughts started to make me wallow in self-pity, I tried my best to think of positive things and reasons for them. I tried to think on their behalf. But when I couldn't think of good reasons for them to do that to me, I became even more hurt than before. 

That is why I always being such a weirdo. A weirdo with multiple personalities disorder. That is also why these days I made faces and talked nonsense to those near to me. Sorry. I am really sorry for those whom I made faces and talked to. I feel like some kind of an irritating human being and a burden. Sigh. Sorry, I always torture you guys with my weird multiple personalities. And sorry too dear, I always burden you with my weird and disturbing thoughts and dilemma even though I know you have your own problems and dilemma too. 

"One's strength is often another's source of strength. So, be strong."

I came across this on one fine day and I mentally slapped myself for being so weak and weird. I mentally cursed and scolded myself for being such a whiny and crybaby me. Thank you dear you for posting this. I promise that I will try my best to be strong on most days so that when you are weak, I can be your strength. And on the remaining days of me being hopelessly weak, you can be my strength.

: 2nd September 2012.

: 04.40 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Oh great, I should be doing something else, but here I am, being such an emo. Sigh

What you see isn't everything.

They say love is blind, oh baby you're so blind

..........................

Enough of Oppa Gangnam Style, people. Music is not only that. This is music. 

Ohhhh, Mr Gee D~ *melting* 

Okay, I'm being biased, but hey, you can't blame me. 

I haven't watch any videos of him for months okay.

: 1st September 2012.

: 11.58 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Heavy rain, windy night with an 'ayu' knight under a cute Korean umbrella.

Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter.

This is how you remind me

"Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart."

[A Beautiful Mind, 2001]

.................................

"We never noticed the beauty because we were too busy trying to create it."

.................................

I don't know whether I am getting too sensitive lately or the jokes are too much for me.
I laughed but my heart bled. 

: 30th August 2012.

: 10.15 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: There are things that I intend to keep to myself. Please respect my decision.

A Thousand Splendid Suns.

Give your heart a break

Had there not been that inner battle and that inner storm, you might not have sought refuge in Allah. 
You might have felt safe on your own.

[Yasmin Mogahed]

.............................

It has been quite some time since I last realised that it is through pain that we finally turn to Him. It's human nature, no matter how you find it's ironic, most people will not turn to Him when they are happy but when they are in pain that they will seek Him. And I am one of them. There were days when I just couldn't smile but it was only when I smile that I could get a smile in return. There were days when I just couldn't laugh but it was only when I laugh with my friends that I could make others laugh with me. I know that not only me who feel this way and I know that there are many of us who face some kind of inner battle and inner storm in us. We bleed and we cry. We are human after all. We are not superhumans. Even Superman does have a weakness. 

It was hot, these few days. It rained too these few days. Two of the opposite extremes. Just like the two opposite extremes in me, in us for the past few weeks. We are sad, disappointed, lonely and stressed, yet we are also happy, blessed and loved. These two opposites take over one another at times. That is why people just can't figure out me, can't figure out us. We have a hard time pleasing everyone, taking care of everyone's heart, taking care of people's expectation. But, in doing so, are we not bleed? Are we not tired? Please spare us, please try to understand us, understand me. We need a break. I need a break from all this. I need a break to be with my family, to be with Him. 

Happy fasting everyone. Let us make the best of the remaining days of this blessed month. May Allah's mercy and blessings always be upon you, me and us.

............................

We synthesize happiness, but we expect happiness is something to be found.

: 11th August 2012.

: 04.11 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Happy birthday, August people. You guys are awesome in your own way :)

Take me away, please.

I write sins not tragedies

Narrated Abu Hurairah (r.a): 

"The Prophet (s.a.w) said, "Religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. So you should not be extremists, but try to be near to perfection and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded; gain strength by worshipping in the mornings, the nights." 

(Bukhari)

...........................................

Waking up for sahur is a tough job. 

Thank you for the wake up call and the warm company every single morning. 

Thank You Lord for them. Bless them and grant them peace.

: 4th August 2012.

: 07.15 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: Awkward. Lonely.

L, Near and Mello.

Sudah cukup cukup sudah

"There is a relationship between taking the Quran in your heart and fasting. 

Your body will starve and your soul will feed." 

[Nouman Ali Khan]

...................

Dear friend, things are tough nowadays. I know at tough times like these most of us will stumble and collapse, but I also know that eventually, we will stand and walk again. Why? Because He is always with us, even if we forget about Him. Hugs and prayers for you, you, you and me. May Allah make us strong in this tough yet blessed month of Ramadhan.

....................

Situasi biasa semasa sahur. Ahha.

: 28th July 2012.

: 03.05 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I have been watching Death Note anime series for quite some time now. 
I know that L will die sometime in the series, but even though I see it coming, I still can't stop the tears.

Standing still.

Those today is better than yesterday is fortunate, 

those whose today is as same as yesterday is loss, 

those whose today is worse than yesterday is infernal.

...................

The world can be a cruel place, but all it takes is for people to care for one another 

to make all the difference.

..................

Salam Ramadhan buat sahabat-sahabat semua.
Kuat semuanya insyaAllah. Doakan.

: 24th July 2012.

: 06.25 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I'm sorry that I'm sometimes not good enough.

Thousand Paper Cranes.

Death Note OST

According to a Japanese legend, one who created a thousand origami cranes would then be granted a wish. 

..............

Oh Allah, The Most Powerful and The All-Loving, please help us and guide us. 

: 18th July 2012.

: 12.58 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: Have you ever read a story about Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes?

Maybe it's a sickness, or maybe it's a craziness.

Alhamdulillah, praise be upon Allah, for I am already here, safe and sound in my old college. I have one more year here, insyaAllah, and throughout this one year, I will definitely need a lot of prayers, warm hugs and smiles from all of you. Yes, you. To be honest, this is the first time I am able to go online. Well, the internet connection here is rather slow and erm, well, how should I put this nicely...erm, rather patience-testing kind of thing.

It's rather lonely to be staying with a total stranger, in comparison with friends of five years. Oh yeah, happy 5th anniversary dear friends. You know who you are. Wow, five years. Five freaking years. How can I not be lonely and incomplete without you guys here with me, at this very moment. Why, why are we in different blocks? Whyyyyyyyyyy? Okay, get a grip please. I miss you guys. I miss the times we spent together. Both here in the same college long time ago and in the U.K. Oh, and I miss those friends far away at East Malaysia. Guys, do you miss me? Please say you do. I know I haven't been able to spend much time and create a lot of memories with you guys, but please say I mean something in your life, please. Okay, why do I sound so desperate? Ahha. A ha ha haa.

Okay. I'm homesick. Oh well, I know you guys too. Maybe that's why I just couldn't eat that much. Dear you, sorry for bothering you with my text messages, saying nonsense things and complaining my loss of appetite just like a baby. Maybe because of homesick, just like you said. But, honestly, I haven't eaten that much since my homecoming a month ago. So, is it really homesick that makes me like this? Maybe not. Oh gosh, I don't know. Maybe I should just watch the Japanese drama series just to fight this feeling off. Oh, I don't know. I just, don't know. Maybe I feel too many, way too many. Maybe. Maybe that's why I just can't properly feel the food. Maybe. Oh well, maybe I'm just going crazy. Figuratively. I hope not literally. Please, do pray for me. Thank you.

: 16th July 2012.

: 09.13 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I feel a bit relieved, being able to write something down here.

We found him frozen in front of our house.

Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, 

is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives. 

[John Galsworthy]

...............

Many who have spent a lifetime in it can tell us less of love 

than the child that lost a dog yesterday.

[Thornton Wilder]

: 6th July 2012.

: 11.45 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: One of the cats just died, so does a part of our souls.

I always have a soft spot for this bipolar namja.

My love wins

Please excuse me while I scream.

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Of rooftop and muse.

No one lives there anymore

Whatever life throws at the individual, there is always the dove-like glimmer of hope that sits in all of us that is so strong that its voice can still be heard in the "gale" of stormy times. Everyone goes through stormy times in their life, and no matter what, there is no need to despair.

[an interpretation of Hope is a thing with feathers by Emily Dickinson]

..............

"For happiness one needs security, 

but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair."

: 28th June 2012.

: 10.35 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: You want to know someone who is amazing, beautiful and has the cutest smile ever?

Read the first word again :)

You should click on every image that I've posted.

My love is so cold

Dear cats, 

Please stop trying to test my patience. Just because I love you doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. Don't scratch my bags, don't sleep on the clothes, don't steal the fish, and don't you ever throw up anywhere you like. Urgh, you should be thankful that I love you. (=_=)

..........

"What dies when it's alive and is alive when it dies?" 

: 26th June 2012.

: 10.32 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: The one who has always been loving needs to be loved as well.

A home is built with love and dreams.

If I die young

These days, most people keep asking me (and my friends of the same age) one big question:

"Do you already have someone special in your life?"


....
....
....


My answer is:

....................

"Apabila kamu merasakan ingin cepat mendirikan rumah tangga

kerana rakan-rakan di sekeliling telah ramai mendirikan rumah tangga, 

itu tanda kamu sebenarnya masih belum bersedia." 

[Kata-kata hikmah dari...erm okay, saya lupa (=_=) ]

: 20th June 2012.

: 05.48 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: Believe me, I have tried my best to stay positive but being asked the same question

for numerous time is enough to make my heart restless from time to time.
Instead of asking, can everyone pray for us; all the single ladies (and men)?

A nightmare from my childhood. Or is it not.

So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed a para, para, paradise

Last few days, something happened.

...................

Agak-agak mungkin ini sebabnya kita skeptikal terhadap m*******, kan Zulwaqar?
Tapi benar kata kamu, kita kena kuat. Allah tahu kita mampu. 

: 18th June 2012.

: 05.28 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: Baru-baru ini kata-kata itu terngiang-ngiang di minda.

I'm drowning in a sea of nostalgia.

It's like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right

After 3 years abroad, I am finally home. Back with my family, back with my good old stuff, back with my cats (there are numerous of them now, I can't differentiate which is which) and back with what I left 3 summers ago. Honestly, I thought coming home would be the most anticipated phase that I longed few days ago, when I was still in the U.K. But after a while, I started to miss the place that I have just left. Whenever I look at the sky, my mind will wander and trace back how was the sky look like back in the U.K. Whenever I eat, I will compare and imagine what will I eat if I were still in the U.K. But, at the same time, I just want to be here with my family. To be here with the ones I love. Complicated, isn't it? Can I be considered ungrateful? For not being thankful being home at last? For not being able to be grateful for the three years life in the U.K? 

I spent quite a few days thinking what do I really feel about this whole thing. In solitude, I finally realised that, home is not a definite place, but home is where my heart is. And in this case, I have two homes. One is here, where I am sitting and typing all of these, and another one is over there. The place that I have just left. I might not be coming back to that home, but that home and the people used to be there with me will always be there in my heart. 

Dear friends, thanks for being a part of that home. May Allah bless all of you :) 

...............

In Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards and forwards, it takes us to a place where we ache to go again.

: 13th June 2012.

: 09.50 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: Is it still raining in Plymouth, I wonder.

Love is caramel macchiato.

Baby, I'm not a monster

What kills love? Neglect.

Only one more day left. Honestly, there are so many things that I want and need to do, but I just can't find the time to do all of that. For those who know me, they will probably can sense how troubled I feel right now. There are a lot things in my head and most of the time, I just can't think straight. And what makes things worse is that, I can't rest until I clean all the mess around me. If I don't clean the mess, my mind and heart will start to be in mess as well. Oh, what a messy state I am now. I feel like shouting rainbow in this stormy weather. Should I call Mr Batman to pack and clean the house? Or better, should I ask him to fight my bad habit for me?

"Salah satu muwasafat tarbiyah adalah: tersusun urusannya."

......................


To beloved friend, hope you like the loves. 

If you wanna know how much we love you, do count the loves. 

But, the truth is, we love you more than that :)

May Allah bless you dear. 

: 7th June 2012.

: 10.15 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Can I spend my last day in the U.K. lazing around with my friends, pleeeaaseeeee? 

Sorry, as usual, my bad.

I 'm at a payphone trying to call home

Please let me be that kid.

: 31st May 2012.

: 10.31 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: How can people expect me to not feel anything after I bled so much?

Of umeboshi and the sick soul.

Wahai kawan-kawan, mari dengar cerita

"Ya Allah, jadikanlah kami generasi ulul albab, yang belajar mencari isi di sebalik buku-buku, 

bukan sekadar kulitnya. Ameeennn."

................

"Ada umeboshi yang menakjubkan di belakang awak."

: 25th May 2012.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Walau kita jauh, terima kasih sahabat.