Look for a sanctuary in you, not others.

I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul

.......................

"Do not be selfish in prayer by praying for yourself.
Pray for others too and stand a better chance of having your own prayers answered."

.......................

The trial exam for SPM is around the corner. Since I am teaching Physics at the moment, I am literally freaking out. I have two more chapters to cover and with all the last minute programmes with the Form 5 students, my Physics classes are often cancelled. And with all the visits from JPN and PPD, my hands are full with things related to filing, reports and headcount analysis. This is bad. When will I be able to teach them what they need to learn in such a short time? And to make things worse, the upcoming chapters are the chapters that I myself don't quite understand. No matter how many times I've read and tried to refresh my memory of what I have learnt during my school era, I just can't figure it out. I even had a few nightmares which basically about explaining the chapters. How can I explain to my students about things I myself need explanation? Oh gosh, I am freaking out now. What should I do? Can someone help me? And please, don't you ever say, "Dear, why did you worry so much? You are brilliant." That won't help. Compliments like that are unnecessary. If you were in my shoes, you will definitely understand why I said so. At times like this, I just need help. Notes or useful links or whatever. Of course, encouraging words are more than welcomed but at this very moment, I seriously need help. Help me, please. Anyone, please. Oh Lord, please help me. 

: 29th June 2015.

: 10.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I may look calm, but in my heart, there is a storm going on.

The Hours of My Life.

"And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself, 

but then seeks forgiveness from Allah, 

he will find Allah forgiving and merciful."

(Surah An-Nisa', 4: 110)

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Boku no Ita Jikan (The Hours of My Life)

I have to admit that the moment I knew Haruma Miura acted in this drama, even though I know for sure (especially from the title) that it is a melodrama, I started to search and read the reviews; hoping that it is worth watching (and crying) for. And tell you what, I regret watching the first episode, not because the drama seems to be lousy, but because it seems to be good and unfortunately for me, the story is like a road that may be painful to walk on *weeps and grabs a tissue*.

It must be the tragic nature of the main character that attracts me to this drama (oh no I am not a sadist and well, put aside Haruma Miura please). This drama revolves around Sawada Takuto (played by Haruma Miura) who recently graduated from the university and has a difficult time getting a job. For the first few episodes, we can  see how Takuto; being the eldest son of a doctor, is emotionally hurt of being compared to his younger brother who is on his way of becoming a doctor and of being rejected from all the companies that he went for interview. It is still early for us to see how depressing this drama will be but as we see his struggles in keeping a positive outlook throughout the interviews and keeping a cheerful face as the parent seems to pay more attention to his brother, we cannot help but feel sorry for him. However, the presence of Hongo Megumi (played by Mikako Tabe), the girl whom he met during one of the interviews, adds sunshine to his life. Both of them happen to share the same bad luck of not getting a full-time job.

The first few episodes show how frustrating yet sweet Takuto's life is. After he is finally accepted by a furniture company, Takuto has to endure both harsh complaints from his senior colleagues and the lack of acknowledgement from his parent over his efforts in finally getting a decent job. But no, that is not all. As the plot develops, it seems like he has to endure something more tragic; he has ALS (whyyyyyyy of all people Takuto whyyyyyyy).

This drama, though almost similar with the most famous (and depressing to watch) drama of incurable disease; One Litre of Tears ( I cried not one litre but litres of tears wuwuwuuu my poor Nishikido Ryo), is interestingly different and special on its own. This drama shows that society can get ugly; but there are people who are willing to accept, willing to hope, willing to help. Oh, at least there is hope for humanity (especially in this sick world we are living now). 

....................

me      : you should watch this show.
friend : oh yeah? how was it?
me      : it shatters your heart and soul into a million pieces and makes you weep for months.
friend : ...
me      : it's good, you should watch it.

: 27th June 2015.

: 3.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: "I think you do meet people you are destined to meet." [Sawada Takuto] 

Rare commodities these days.

She wears a heart that can melt my own

It was almost 4 years ago when I was so caught up with the youngsters' trend of spazzing and drooling over pretty face handsome Kpop artists and Korean actors. At that time, the world was taken by a storm by the presence of Kpop and Kdrama industry. Just name it, who doesn't know Runningman, Nobody Nobody but chuuuuu~, colourful tight jeans (I am looking at you SNSD) and Oppa Gangnam Style (urgh I hate that song oppsss sorry PSY). 

At that time, as I was also one of the girls whose hearts are easily captured with handsome faces and dazzling smiles, I was hooked with both Kpop and Kdrama. I know some of you might puke reading those words because I know that you guys (especially guys) hate the mention of the words. Well, whateverrrr. Ahhaha. Due to that, I was so into such entertainment at that time (and still now actually but not that often anymore, thanks to work demands and my body's demands of more sleep). I would stay up until late at night (neglecting my assignments and all) to search for any new dramas, new variety shows, new songs, new MVs and even read anything related to them. I even signed up for certain online communities to keep up and be on board with the fandoms. See, how unhealthy my obsession was at that time. But despite the unhealthy obsession, I got to admit that I have met a lot of new, kind and interesting people along the way. I have made new friends from a lot of places; friends that I never knew their real names yet we share the same unhealthy obsession and thoughts on certain issues in life. I am so blessed having to know them especially during those dark days I went through.

Even so, at this very moment, out of all the fandoms that I joined, there is only one fandom that I still follow. And ironically, it is not a fandom for any Kpop artists that I used to spend hours watching their MVs and variety shows, but rather a fandom for my most favourite pairing in Kdrama world. For those who know me, they will definitely know which pairing I am referring to. 

And in this pairing fandom, my fandom mates (oh my that sounds so weird) decided to just write stories using their characters instead of stalking them in the real world. And here I am, drowning in one of the most awesome, well-written stories that I have ever read. But the problem is, the writer will only update the story once in a blue moon. When I said once in a blue moon, it is really a blue moon. I have been waiting for three months for an update and tell you what, it is worth waiting for. Because when the update is finally there, it never fails to make me smile and grin like a Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland. Thank youuuuuu author-nim for the story. I love you to the moon and back! But please, not for another three months, pretty pleaseeeeeeee.

.......................

“Go easy on him,” she said a few seconds later.  

“You think I should?  Even though he made his mother cry by throwing a tantrum  like a five years old?”  

“The damage was already done and he doubtlessly felt terrible about it.  But of all  the places he could go, he came here.  To see you.  It seems to me that he trusts  you.  Hence, go easy on him.  Trust is a fragile thing.”

T/N: This is taken from the awesome story I told you about. I've replaced the characters' names by changing them to the italic words. Why? Because I don't want you to find the fandom merely for your curiosity. Only their fans deserve to read it (yeahhh I am possessive like that ahahha :p )

............................... 

: 25th June 2015.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I know I should do something beneficial,

but hey, isn't reading is one of the beneficial activities?

That red shawl.

One last time

اللهم إنك عفو تحب العفو فاعفُ عني

O Allah, You are Most Forgiving, and You love forgiveness; so forgive me.

..................

........................

Today I was feeling a lot more tired compared to the previous days. It's not an uncommon thing to fast and teach for hours in the school, however, both my body and soul felt sooooooo lethargic and by the end of the meeting (yes, we had a meeting to discuss the headcount for SPM subjects), my mind started to tell me not to go for Terawikh prayer and have a rest instead.

I almost didn't go until at the very last minute, a part of my heart urged me to go rather than wasting time in my room. Plus, I can't guarantee that this is not the last Ramadhan for me. So, it's better for me to work hard in this blessed month. Besides, the strength that I own is not from me, it's from Him. 

And true to that, by the time I was in the mosque, sitting at the first row (I thought I was late), my body didn't feel as bad as it was before. May Allah grant me strength for more days to come. 

: 23th June 2015.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I conducted a ULBS (speaking activity) with my students.

They were asked to share their favourite thing.

And when one of the students shared that the reason why

she loved the shawl that she showed in front, I was out of words.

Her mother whom she only gets to see twice a year gave it to her.

Her parents were divorced and yet, she said how she wished they will be together one day.

My heart keeps asking me to go back home.

Jauh terbawa lukisan hatimu

Someone once asked, "If you could take it all back, would you?"
At the time I didn't know. Now I do. I wouldn't take that terrible experience back for anything in the world. Too much light has come out of my darkness." 

[Susannah Cahalan, Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness]

..........................

Today marks the fifth year I am spending my Ramadhan here in Kelantan. Not five years in a row since I was here for the first two years of foundation, another year after I got back (for good) from the UK and now, it is already past one year I am here as a novice teacher. Well, to put it specifically, I have spent my Ramadhan in this state for 5 times now. And each time Ramadhan arrives, the feelings are always different. 

The first two years in foundation, I was surrounded with a lot of friends. At that time, we stayed in the hostel. Most of our rooms were on the second floor and since we were young and had no proper transportation of our own, we borrowed any motorcycle from any guy friend who was willing to lend us his motorcycle. We had our own rotation in buying food for iftor (breaking fast). On each day, two of us would take everyone's order for iftor (mind you, we took order for 12 people, okay) and we would buy the food from the nearest Ramadhan bazaar. Oh man, I still can remember vividly how at the end of the buying process, our hands were literally full of plastic bags containing both food and drinks. There's this one time when one of our friends ordered two drinks just for her. Oh man, two drinks! That exceeded our hands' quota and my friend complained how heavy it was to carry one more drink. We already had 12 drinks to buy and one more drink was too much. We did complain between both of us and maaaannn, there goes our good deeds. We shouldn't complain! That is what fasting is for; to be patient. Oh, those days. 

On the final year of our course (after we got back from the U.K), we spent our Ramadhan in college hostel. However, this time things were different. All of us were scattered across the blocks and in my block, there were only 5 of us. Since some of us at that time had already brought their own car, there was no more rotation unlike our foundation years. On random days, we would go in different cars and had our iftor at the restaurants outside our college. Still, we had fun together. No more heavy drinks and food! And we got to perform our Terawikh prayer in air-conditioned mosques all over Pengkalan Chepa. He he he. Oh, those days.

And now, here I am, on the second time I spent my Ramadhan in Jeli after being posted April last year. Last year, my housemate and I did go out to the bazaar at the city centre (city la sangat kan ahahaha) to buy food for iftor. However, this year, we decided to cook instead (which is cheaper and no matter how bad my cooking is, my taste buds can still accept it). Until today, I have spent my iftor in front of the laptop; watching a Malay drama instead (so that I can eat while watching- I don't have to read the subtiltles yeaaahhh). As for Terawikh prayer, this time I went to the mosque on my own. I got to spend some time alone in the car; reflecting on my day as I drive to the mosque, however, spending some time alone makes me thinking and reminiscing those old hectic (tiring) days with my beloved friends. And when I sat in the mosque waiting for the azan, I felt so alone amidst the crowd. Oh, how I miss those days.

I wonder if my friends miss it as I do now.

...........................

"Sabar juga kena develop melalui dua angle. Kadang kadang mungkin kita cepat membina kesabaran terhadap kesusahan, tapi kita tidak membina kesabaran terhadap kesenangan."

[Ustaz Hasrizal Abdul Jamil, Ibrah Surah Yusuf]

: 22nd June 2015.

: 7.25 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am waiting for my chicken soup to be fully cooked now.

Men, manners turn girls on. Most girls.

"It's not the face, but the expressions on it. 

It's not the voice, but what you say. 

It's not how your body looks, but what you do with it.
That is beauty."

- Stephanie Meyer, The Host

..........................

"People don't listen, they just wait for their turn to talk."

........................

i am mine.

before i am ever anyone else's.

.......................

Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting. 

Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people.

: 17th June 2015.

: 10.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Tomorrow is the first day of Ramadhan.

Happy fasting to all Muslims.

And happy day to everyone :)

Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus.

Kimi Ni Todoke OST

Awww pity Kazehaya kun. That girl definitely misinterpreted his message. Why don't you rephrase your sentence, dear? If you guys say girls are difficult to understand, so do your subtle messages. Girls tend to think the other way around. So, please be clear in giving any messages. If you guys are serious, please tell them you are serious. There is no harm in doing that. Ahha.

For guys out there, please bear in mind, there are two types of girls. The first type; they are those who tend to overthink things. If you tell them some things, they will definitely try their best to decipher the message behind each word. So, if there is no underlying meaning behind what you said, these girls will be able to come out with anything they think those words might mean. These girls; they usually the cautious type. They tend to be more careful in replying to your messages and to respond to you. And most of the times, what you see is not actually what they really are. Complicated, huh? But most girls fall in this type. Ahhahaha. The second type; they just tend to take things as it is. In other words, they are the 'blurred' type. These girls; they are slow at understanding hints and subtle messages. Therefore, if you are trying to approach and getting to know them better, these girls, they need to be told directly that you are approaching them. If not, they will just put you in a depressing place called 'friendzone'. Wohoooo. This type is complicated too. Only brave guys will be able to get their message across with these girls.

For your information, a lot of my friends fall in both types. And that is why a lot of my beautiful friends out there are still waiting for the one (even though they look like they already had someone). So, guys, good luck! *wink

......................... 

I am a hopeless romantic 

but won't let anyone close enough

to fall in love.

I am a mess.

: 14th June 2015.

: 6.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: See, now I am looking at stuffs related to Haruma Miura.

And I can't wait for the Attack On Titan live action.

Aishhh, I should get a real life soon. 

Ramadhan, come faster!

A sad yet inspiring movie is what we need sometimes.

You can keep me, inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Title: Boku wa Nosei Mahi no Top Salesman (Door To Door).

This Japanese movie is based on a true story about about a man who was told for many years that he was not employable due to the fact he is suffering from cerebral palsy. However, he put all of his effort into working as a door-to-door salesman. Despite the pain attributed to his cerebral palsy, he walked eight to ten miles a day to meet his customers and achieved the highest sales for his company.

At first, I thought that this movie is just an ordinary movie where we get to see the main character with his disabilities will be able to gain what he wanted in the end. Cliche, for me. However, as I read one of the reviews which stated that this is the type of movie everyone should at least watch once, and found that Ninomiya Kazunari acted in this movie, curiosity got the better of me. 

And when the main character, Kurosawa Hideo-san said,

"I am used...to that. When people meet me for the first time, they're always cautious like this. There's no one who would be kind to me from the very start."

my heart went out for him. I even prepared my heart for more heart-breaking and depressing moments ahead. And I was right. This movie is freaking sad and yet an eye-opener for us especially in understanding and dealing those who suffer from cerebral palsy. And to see Kurosawa Hideo-san struggling to achieve at least one sale made my heart clenched. Oh God, how sad it was to watch him throughout the movie. Why on earth am I tormenting myself watching this type of movie? Whyyyyy? Doushiteeeeee?

Hey, if one day you feel like giving up, please watch this movie. You will feel that, no matter how bad your day is or how terrible things are, there are others who might suffer even more than you. Lets be grateful and treat those who are less than us with respect. 

And what I mean by 'less' here does not only mean less in terms of physical or mental abilities, but also less in terms of status, family background and even academic achievement. Let us learn to treat others how we want others to treat us. Cheers.

: 13th June 2015.

: 2.15 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: There is another reason why I picked this movie; Ninomiya Kazunari. Hehe.