Chapter 1: New Year, New You.

It's a beautiful life [Crush]

Wow, it has been such a while since I last wrote something here. A lot of things happened throughout the last two months in which I had no time to properly sit down and write. Oh well, I did have time watching drama series, of course, but with the pathetic line here in Jeli, you should probably understand why I didn't write anything. 

Allah has been so wonderful to me. His abundant blessings to me each day make me feel so unworthy for I have been not a good muslim as I should be. Even so, I am learning to be grateful day by day though there were times when I failed to do so. 

You know what, we human beings always compare ourselves with others. When we don't get what we want, we always look at those around us and envy them for all the nicer things in life that they are blessed with. We will compare and think; "Oh Allah, why can't I be like them? Why do I have to wait? When is my turn? Why do I have to suffer? Why me, Allah, why?". As we do that, we will feel so depressed and feel out of love. However, when we are happy, we forget that the very exact moment is what we always pray for. We forget that we are so blessed. We forget that Allah has answered our prayers in the form He knows that it is the best for us. 

Wake up. Remember what Allah says? "If you are grateful, I will give you more" [Ibrahim, 14:7]

So, dear self, please please please, whenever you feel that life is unfair, remember that Allah is withholding something from you just to give something better in return. Trust Him. 

.........................

: 12th January 2017.

: 11.00 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Let us pray and be grateful for each day and each blessing.

And tell you what, no matter what happens, you are one of the blessings.

I am indeed blessed to have you in my life. Thank you.

It feels so bitter in my mouth.

[Playing With Fire- BLACKPINK]

"Be so full of love that every word out of your mouth

will soothe the souls of all those who are around you."

...................

"My Lord, I have done wrong toward myself, so forgive me."

[28:16]

......................

: 25th November 2016.

: 12.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: There are so many things I want to say, but it is so difficult for me to say it out loud.

Bad habits vs Good habits

"I want you to consider what bad mental habits are holding you back,
what unhealthy beliefs are keeping you from being as mentally strong as you could be,
what one small step you could take, right here, right now."

.......................

Let us learn to:

• complain less about anything
• try our best to not envy others for their blessings
• try our best to self-love
• try not to magnify our misfortunes
• not let other people control us and our decisions
• try not to feel like the world owe us something

: 4th November 2016.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Hey, let's do something good today. Like?

Cooking something new, come onnn :)

Asyura Day is here.

Cancer [Twenty One Pilot]

"Pray when you don't want to. When "you don't have time". When "you're too busy." Pray until you love it. Pray until you can't sleep unless you do. Pray until it's no longer a chore, but a need. Pray until you feel the joy and humility in prostrating to your Creator.

................................

Sometimes the reason good things are not happening to you

is because you are the good thing that needs to happen to other people.

...............................

"We focus on everyone else's blessings, but we forget our own.

Then we wonder why we are unhappy, because we aren't appreciative of what Allah has given us. Allah blesses everyone differently. Alhamdulillah. With patience and prayer, Allah will give you what you want and He will give you more than you ever asked for.

And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, "If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]..." [Surah Ibrahim, 14: 7]

: 11th October 2016.

: 9.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Distance is a test, a test from Allah to see

how much faith we have in Him and Him alone.

Undefined thoughts.

The One That Got Away [Katy Perry]

"The amount of love we receive in our lives is directly proportional to the love we give ourselves and others. As you increase your self-love you attract more love in your life."

-Matthew Boggs

............................

Truth be told, I am not a planner. My whole family seldom do a proper plan to almost everything. That is why I grow up not becoming a planner. However, I am so blessed with friends who plan. These friends of mine, I always respect them for the way they plan things, the way they organise what and which go first and what comes next, the way they prepare things ahead of time and the way they imagine what kind of things they want later in life. To say I don't do all those is entirely not true, I do imagine things and know what I want later in life, but to properly plan towards my future life is just what I suck at. 

In one of my conversations with my dear friends, she told me I can start planning things from now on. She even said I am lucky to have a goal to work on and I can get things done by next year. But the thing is, I don't even know what am I doing at the moment. I have no plans, I don't know what is in store for me, I don't even know what to do and I just don't have any preparation at all for my future. All I do is to just go to school, do my job, go back and rest, hang out with friends, spend money on food and all the finer things in life and get my salary. Saving? Oh no, please don't ask me that. I don't even know where do all my money go. So how can you be so sure I will get things done by next year? Because seriously, I don't think I can. Unless, there is a miracle. Or a twist of plan. Or anything. Or whatever, I am just too lazy to think about it.

Honestly, I don't really like it when people say that hey, you ought to get married by next year. Or hey, you should have at least ten thousands in the bank at this stage. Or hey, you should have a house by now. People have their own pace in accomplishing all these. So please, if a person is unable to accomplish one of those, please don't judge them. It is unfair to say that a person who has no saving in the bank is a spendthrift. Who knows he or she has to use up all the money for the family? It is unfair to say that a person is unattractive or unworthy of love or even too choosy if he or she is not yet married by the age of 30 years old. Who knows that he or she has tried her best getting to know a lot of people, but no one is willing to understand him or her? Who knows? 

So dear friends, please be considerate in giving remarks for life goals or accomplishments. Not all people are as blessed as you. So, please. 

...........................

"You are only invisible to those who do not deserve to see you."

: 9th October 2016.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Let's fast tomorrow, dearest.

Be grateful for who you are

.....................

Before you go to sleep:

1. Wudhu'
2. Dust bedding 
3. Recite al-Mulk (if possible)
4. Recite Ayat Al-Kursi
5. Zikr
6. Check your alarm for Fajr prayer
7. Shahadah
8. Sleeping prayer
9. Be on your right side
10. Clean heart
11. Forgive and forget

The list may look so long and tedious, but once you get used to it, you will be more at peace (?). Oh well, no. 1, no. 2, no. 4, no. 6 and no. 7 as well as no. 8 are a routine now. Just need to improve on no. 3 and errrr no. 10 and 11. I need to learn to clean my heart, forgive and forget. Easy said than done, but no harm in trying hard right? So, sleep well, dear.

: 14th July 2016.

: 10.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I miss fasting, isn't it weird?

Unpretty pretty.

"Fix your heart, and your heart will fix your mind."

Earlier this month, I had a random conversation with my dear friends about the rising population of pretty instafamous girls on social media especially instagram. We noticed how these girls; who most of them are wayyyy younger than us (some of them are still in their secondary school era), are so pretty until it makes us feel so not pretty in comparison.

Every single time we looked at these pretty girls' posts and photos, we would envy them for their beauty. As for me, I did not only envy them for their beauty, but inferiority complex would start kicking in. 'Why am I not as pretty as those girls?' I would ask myself that over and over again. And without me realising it, I am starting to believe that to be pretty is to look like them. I started to google on tutorials; be it make-up tutorials or hijab tutorials, I started to search for more pretty girls on instagram and I started to venture into skincare products (there goes my money haha).

Still, I can never be as pretty as those girls. And when an unexpected comment hit me, I felt so down and even worse, I felt so ugly (hahaha okayy you might think I exaggerated but hey, that's what I felt). I kept asking myself why am I not blessed with good genes. Days passed by and after I listened to my own words, I realised I was being so ungrateful to Allah who has created me.

And when I listened to a talk by Ustazah Norhafizah binti Musa on women and beauty during suhoor a few days ago, I mentally slapped myself. She was right when she said,

"When we are so busy following people's definition of beauty, we will never be able to catch up with what they want. Long time ago people used to like thin lips and eyebrow, but nowadays people like full lips and thick eyebrow instead. You will be tired catching up with never-ending and forever-changing beauty trend. Instead, it will be better if you just take care with what is given by Allah to you and keep on improving the beauty of your soul."

Subhanallah, she spoke right through my heart. So, even though I am still feeling down and feeling not-so-pretty, I will try my best to work on the beauty of my soul. First task, let's learn to be patient.

............................

"Beauty isn't about having a pretty face. 

It is about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and most importantly, a beautiful soul."

: 17th June 2016.

: 6.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just followed two beautiful people on instagram haha.

So, how's fasting so far?

[Watching MBC Omar Series Episode 3]

"To fast is to say, 'Dear God, I love food. I love drinks. I love to fulfill my desire. But I love You more. So I give up what I love for what You love."

-Yasmin Mogahed

....................

He (Jacob) said: I only complain of my grief and sorrow to Allah, 

and I know from Allah what you do not know.

[12: 86]

...................

"Subhanallahi wa bi hamdihi, subhanallahil-'azim"

"How perfect Allah is and I praise Him; 

and How perfect Allah is the Most Great."

: 16th June 2016.

: 8.11 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, let us learn a little bit of sirah okay?

This is for you, my dear self.

Deeper Conversation [Yuna]

If you're struggling with yourself, remember, you are made beautiful since day 1. Good looks go away after some time, what remains is your heart and how you made people feel. It's your choice to be beautiful or not, beauty is not a privilege- it can be yours. Through your actions, through your words. Being attractive is when you enrich your brain and soul with positive things and share them with the world. Real beauty is when you love yourself. When you don't sacrifice your natural beauty or your identity just so that people will like you. When you take care of your health. Beautiful is when you are pleasant. When you're respectful in other people's space, when you are classy dealing with people who upset you. In my life, I learned that nobody will want to be around you if you're not a warm person and constantly talking bad about someone. When your heart is black, it is really hard for people to stick around. Being beautiful, is when you nurture love inside of you. It's not the colour of your skin, the shape of your nose, the thickness of your lips, it's not the curve of your body...it's how you remain lovely in this cruel world that's constantly changing and where there are people who are advocating violence in public, you exist to promote love and peace.

-Yuna, a Malaysian singer.

.......................

"Make it a habit to talk about blessings more than burdens. When you spread positivity, the Almighty will bless you with blessings even more."

-Mufti Menk

......................

"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment, he needs help."

: 26th March 2016.

: 5.03 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I've just finished watching 'Django Unchained'.

It is an interesting movie to watch if you feel like watching racism related movie.
And indeed, no one is superior than the others. No race is superior than the other races.

We all are humans, we all have emotions, we all bleed.

The sky looked so blue.

Maybe you don't have to smile so sad, laugh when you're feeling bad

But the most beautiful things in life are not just things,

they're people and places,

memories and pictures.

They're feelings and moments

and smiles and laughter.

....................

Sometimes you don't realise 

you're actually drowning 

when you're trying to be 

everyone else's anchor.

....................

A healthy relationship is one where

two independent people just make a deal that 

they will help make the other person

the best version of themselves.

...................

Far too many people are looking for the right person,

instead of trying to be the right person.

: 1st February 2016.

: 9.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today was a long day. I was the MC for an event in the school.

Even though I didn't have to teach, I was more than just exhausted.

Oh, I just couldn't wait for this Thursday.

I am taking a train to meet one of my dearest friends.Yeaaahhhh alhamdulillah~

That message is torturing me.

Sunshine in a bag [Gorillaz]

Some days, you just have to create your own sunshine.

.................

Every time you get upset at something,

ask yourself if you were to die tomorrow,

was it worth wasting your time being angry?

.................

How I wish someone will just be by my side
and smile like that.

: 10th January 2016.

: 9.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I seriously in need to talk to someone

but I don't think they understand why.

Is this how it feel to be heartbroken?

Dear heart,

Don’t assume you mean anything special to a person if they don’t show you and very confirm that’s how they feel. Don’t put on your detective hat and try to figure out if x means y and that leads to z. Because if a person cares for you, they will make it known. And you deserve a person that makes it known how much you mean to them.

...........................

 "Continue to share your heart with people

even if it has been broken."

-Amy Poehler, Harvard Speech

..........................

"To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it."

: 25th December 2015.

: 11.55 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: A few days ago, I tried my best to do something.

Now, when it doesn't go my way, I feel so depressed.

I should stop being so and move along, right?

For every ending, there is a new beginning.

Here I am [Secret Garden OST]

"Every single success you experience is a combination of two things:

your effort and Allah's help.

When you don't put in enough effort, Allah does not give His barakah.

And sometimes you might put in a lot of effort but you may not see the result you expected.

That, also, is Allah's barakah." 

-Nouman Ali Khan.

...................

Sticks and stones may break your bones

but tv shows and books will crush your soul to a million pieces.

..................

One of my friends randomly mentioned a new drama series to me. And now, after I finished watching Secret Garden, I am totally hooked to the new drama. The drama is still ongoing, though. Urgh, to wait for a new episode to come out is somehow testing my patience. I have to wait for weekends to be able to watch it. Urgh, my weekends. I should put the blame solely on her. Why on earth did you mention it, my dear? Arghhhhhhhhh.

Or, rather than putting the blame on her, I should put the blame on my own self. I am easily influenced, I guess. Get a grip, my dear self. Get a grip. Your kids are going to sit for SPM examination soon. You have to remind them on how to write essays better and don't forget Physics too! Transistor! You have to revisit that chapter as soon as possible! Arghhhhhhhhh.

: 21st October 2015.

: 11.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I went to the clinic a few days ago

and the doctor told me my blood pressure was so low.

That explains the fatigue and the mild headache

I have been experiencing since last two weeks.

Pray five times a day.

Prayers - A Beautiful Reminder

Our five daily prayers are a way to curb over-attachment to anything material. The five prayers regulate our lives with their specific timings to teach us that indeed Allah is greater than anything else that we might be occupied in at that moment.

The dawn prayer teaches us that the most beloved thing to us, comfort and sleep, should not control us – so we rise up in the cold morning, wash ourselves and pray in an acknowledgement that Allah is greater than our love of comfort and sleep.

The midday and afternoon prayer teaches us that no matter how engrossed we are with work or the short lunch hour that we so highly value, it’s not the purpose of our existence. So we leave it for a few minutes and stand and pray testifying that Allah is indeed greater.On Friday, we dedicate most, if not all of our lunch hour to attend the Friday sermon and prayer.

The dusk prayer, that time when we’re finally home and about to spend time with our family, eat dinner or simply relax – we get up and pray together to confirm that Allah is Greater than any of that.

Finally the night prayer, Isha’ – when we’re tired after a long day of work and responsibilities ready to fall into bed and sleep, we pray again proving that submitting to Allah is greater than falling into the warm bed.

All these serve as constant reminders to us that as much as we love life, we live for a higher purpose.

(Mansoor Ahmed)

.....................

Apakah perkara yang paling ringan di dunia ini?

Jawapan: Meninggalkan solat.

OUCH.

: 28th August 2015.

: 11.40 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Oh Allah, please make me one of those who never forget to pray.

Empty. Literally and figuratively.

The sound of the fan in my room

Have you ever wondered

why

no matter how many times you pray

how many times you ask from Him

all those prayers

are not yet answered?

My mind says

it is not yet time.

My heart says

you never really ask,

sincerely.

..............

"Sebenarnya bukannya susah untuk berdoa,

tetapi yang susah ialah

mencari jiwa yang khusyuk

yang menyebabkan mustajabnya doa."

[taken from a status in Facebook]

: 11th July 2015.

: 07.26 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: One of the best times to ask from Allah

is when you are breaking your fast.

Lets pray for every good thing in life

for all the good people on this earth.

We cooked chicken rice last night.

Birds chirping

A daily health checklist.

But first, let me laze around, reading this book near me in this small, quite dark but comfortable room (for me). I can hear the birds singing from far and oh, my housemate doing her laundry outside. I should open the door to signify that I am wide awake, but can I be lazy today? He he he.

: 22nd May 2015.

: 9.00 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Last night, one of my Jelian friends was being random by

asking me to accompany her to go shopping

and cook chicken rice together.

That's so random. But a nice kind of randomness.

A grateful heart can lead to a healthier heart.

Angels Brought Me Here [Guy Sebastian]

• Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too.
• Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before.
• Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy.
• Get up earlier and watch the sun come up.
• Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm.
• Meet someone new, even just a friend.
• Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them.
• Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in. 
• Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are. 
• Listen to new music. 
• Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them.
• It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. 
• Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. 
• Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day.
• Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section. 
• Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad.
• Make new memories.
• Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience.
• Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people. 
• Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time. 
• Learn to love every bit of yourself.”

— How to feel better and become better by me (via intractably) source: tumblr

.............................

We must learn to love ourselves. It's not a selfish thing to do. We really must learn to love ourselves. Because of all people, it is us who need to love ourselves. In doing so, we will be able to love others. Love others by loving ourselves first.

: 9th May 2015.

: 07.05 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: The morning breeze is so refreshing;

making everything feels so serene and peaceful.

The most important thing in communication is...

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

.... hearing what isn't said.

....................

I hope one day you find someone

who makes flowers grow

in even the saddest parts of you.

....................

The greatest gift you can give someone 

is the space to be his or herself,

without the threat of you leaving.

....................

"If everyone is pleased with you 

but Allah is not,

what have you gained?

And if Allah is pleased with you

but no one else is,

what have you lost?

: 11th March 2015.

: 5.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I have just got back home after a meeting in another school.

I was doing fine throughout the meeting  until someone mentioned 
they need someone to go for a course in KL.

And when they kept mentioning "young teachers", 
I was so close to scream my lungs out.

Thank God, I didn't. Silence is gold.

Episode 1: Tapeworm.

Of all days, today I have a sudden urge to watch this.

House MD: Episode 1 (Pilot)

Tapeworm. What and why?

Eating undercooked meat from infected animals is the main cause of tapeworm infection in people. Although tapeworms in humans usually cause few symptoms and are easily treated, they can sometimes cause serious, life-threatening problems. That's why it's important to recognize the symptoms and know how to protect yourself and your family.

Tapeworm Causes

Six types of tapeworms are known to infect people. They are usually identified by the animals they come from -- for example Taenia saginata from beef, Taenia solium from pork, and Diphyllobothrium latum from fish.

Preventing Tapeworms in Humans

You can further reduce your risk of tapeworms by washing your hands before and after using the toilet and by following these food safety tips.

1. Avoid raw fish and meat.
2. Thoroughly cook meat to temperatures of at least 145 degrees Fahrenheit for whole cuts of meat and to at least 160 degrees F for ground meat. Then let it rest for at least 3 minutes before carving or eating.  Safe temperatures for poultry are different. 
3. Freeze meat to -4 degrees F for at least 24 hours to kill tapeworm eggs.
4. When traveling in undeveloped countries, cook fruits and vegetables with boiled or chemically-treated water before eating.
5. Wash hands with soap and hot water before preparing or eating foods.

..........................

Watching House MD while having breakfast is not a good choice.

: 17th January 2015.

: 11.27 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Since young, I always admire how doctors brace themselves

through all the blood, diseases and (their) lack of sleep

to treat and cure people.

He is Ar-Rahman

Nouman Ali Khan (Lessons from Surah Ar-Rahman)

..................

Allah is Ar-Rahman;

The Most Delicate to me,

no matter how rough my day is.

: 12th January 2014.

: 9.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: These days, everytime I recite the Quran,

when I look at the translation,

it feels like He is talking to me.