Yes I am back!

Students chattering

Hello, there. It has been quite some time right? My goodness, how I long to write something here and alhamdulillah finally I am here. I know I have been making promises to at least write something here but man, life has been sooooo hectic. A blessed type of hectic.

For those who might be wondering what I was up to the last two years (almost two years now right?), alhamdulillah I was busy carrying the little one inside me (what a wonderful 9 months of journey that was) and gave birth to my lovely son on March 2019 last year. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I never thought that a few days before our first anniversary, I would become a mother. Alhamdulillah, but there was not celebration for our first anniversary wuuwuuuu. I was still at the hospital on our first anniversary fuhh the experience. Still, alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. It is not easy being a mother and wife at the same time but it is worth it. I pray that for those who are praying to get their bundle of joy will be blessed with one soon. Don't worry, God will give one when it is the right time. He knows the perfect time for that. He is the All-Knowing, so trust Him okay?

I still remember how eventful being pregnant was. It was not easy, though people saw me all smiling. I was happy of course, who would not right? I was beyond happy feeling the little one's kicks and all that but there were times when I couldn't sleep and mannn, feeling lethargic all day was such a challenge to me. I felt bloated and hungry at the same time. I missed my husband too most of the times and his T-shirts were the only comfort I had during challenging and sleepless nights. That's the perks of LDR you see. 

There were also times when my emotions got the better of me especially when I saw photos of my friends spending time with their spouses. I admit it, I felt so jealous and when the emotions got so ugly no matter how hard I tried to be happy for them and to be grateful in whatever state I was in, I had to take a few steps away from social media. I even muted their posts so that I would not compare my life with them. I also had the urge to show every piece of happiness I had each day and man, at one point I felt like why am I doing this for? This is not a competition. Life is never a competition so why was I getting so worked up seeing people posting and uploading their happiness on social media? Thank God I managed to stop myself from over sharing and over showing the fact that I was happily pregnant and expecting. I am a private type of person so I managed to keep that as a private thing as well to the point  that when I finally posted the news that I had given birth, many of my friends got the shock of their lives. Alamak macam tu pulak haha. But yeah, I am one of the people who think that there is no need to show the whole world that I am expecting as we never know what will happen during the process. Plus, it is not nice to happily announce and show that as there will be people who might feel sad as they themselves are trying hard to conceive. We never know right? See, so many things to consider. Some people might say heyy let me be, it's my social media so why bother. It's my right to post photos of my baby bump and my craving and whatnot. It's true as well, but for me, sharing once a while is okay but to share every single hour or every single day...I don't know. You just have to think for others as well. 

Phew, the pregnancy journey was a tough one I tell youuuu haha. I was so blessed for staying at my parents' house even though some of the times they did go back to Penang to look at their house there and to visit their friends. It's so fun being a retiree right? I was also blessed with less health concerns during pregnancy, however Allah is sooo fair. I was tested with a challenging post-partum period. But that's another story. During pregnancy, I didn't have weird cravings and I could just eat everything. But at times when my family was not around, that was when I was tested with negative thoughts. I felt so alone and it felt so miserable to go to all those doctor appointments alone. I also felt so tired having to go to and fro to my in-laws' on certain weekends even though I just took the bus. Carrying a big belly alone here and there made me feel like a single parent at times fuhhh the thoughts. Going through all that made me amazed with all the single mothers who have to raise their kids on their own. It's not easy. So, if you know anybody going through LDR or anybody who is just staying with their kids, please please please give them support. A little bit of understanding and encouragement especially by asking them how's their day will make their day. See, that's all I need actually during those times. And alhamdulillah I was so blessed to have a dear friend of mine who was in Dungun that time, who never failed to check up on me. Such a precious soul she is. There were some who once in a while called but she and another one who is in Pasir Gudang now, were those two who were always there to listen to my rants. God bless them. 

Hey, that was through that ugly period when I learnt that comparison is seriously the thief of joy. Why would I be unhappy seeing people's happiness when Allah has blessed me with the little bundle of joy that not everyone is blessed with. I should be grateful each day for that and alhamdulillah my husband was there to remind me of that every passing day. 

Wow, so much things happened right? I felt so much better now that I finally managed to pour this all out. There were so many things happened in between but to summarize, I have learnt a lot. I have seen the ugly emotions that were kept hidden all these while and through it all, I have seen the precious souls who were there for me. Thanks. May Allah bless you for that.

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Love yourself when you're tired

Love yourself when you're weak

Love yourself when you're confused

Love yourself when you're broken

Love yourself until you're restored.

With love,

I who selfishly need people to love me 

when I myself need to love others as much. 

Less than a month now.

Bagi semua yang dirancang tak kesampaian,

yakinlah Allah sedang menyimpan sesuatu yang lebih berharga 

untuk dihadiahkan di hari kemudian.

Kita merancang dengan cita-cita,

Allah selamanya merancang dengan cinta.

...............................

If Allah brings you to it,

He will bring you through it.

...............................

If you ask me what do I feel right now, trust me, I don't even know what do I really feel. It's like, oh well, how should I put it, erm it's like you are waiting for a trip to a place you've been dreaming of and the day for the trip is finally around the corner. You are so excited to go, but at the same time you are busy with the preparation. You are spending your time checking the places to go, you are booking your accommodation, you are google-ing for the places to eat, you are reading reviews of the places, you are trying hard to save the money, you are making sure all the tickets are there, fuhh the list goes on and on. At times, suddenly you feel nervous and scared of all kind of bad things that might happen. That is why when you ask me what do I feel, I just don't know what to feel and what to say.

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, things won't go smoothly without the help of many beautiful souls in my life. Oh, what did I do to deserve them all. And when a few of my friends told me that they would come to my important day even though they are from Penang, I just couldn't thank them enough. I'm more than touched for their willingness to drive all the way and spend a night in Malacca just for my day. Only Allah can repay all of you. And, may Allah grant all of you all the happiness you deserve.

As for now, let me take my time with all the sports stuff in the school. These days are getting hotter and hotter. Fuhh, I'm pretty sure I will get sunburn sooner or later. Oh well, never mind. As long as all my beloved ones are happy and healthy when the day comes, I will be more than happy.

Please pray for me, okay? 

: 28th February 2018.

: Malacca, Malaysia.

: Let's hope that the Sports Day will over soon.

A note on LDR.

I miss you like crazy [The Moffats]

A tree begins with a seed, so imagine, every thought you have, is a seed waiting to be planted. Whether positive or negative, once it leaves your mouth, you give it effect. This, is when the seed is planted. Then the tree begins to grow based upon those words. So whether you're doubting and talking/ thinking negative of yourself/ another person or the situation you are in, or positive about things, about growing and getting through whatever it is you're facing, or achieving goals whatever it may be- what you think has an impact and it is temporary as it can leave instantly, but what escapes your lips is even bigger and can be permanent when the seed is planted. It determines which way you'll go, so think before you speak.

-ka.hyx 

[taken from a post on Instagram]

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If you were to ask me how do I feel being in a long distance relationship, let me tell you, it is not easy. I might not be the best person to tell you this as I am new in this LDR thingy (two years can be considered as new right?) but in that period, things did get messy.

For those who've known me through and through, you'd probably know what I meant by messy. I am a messy person with complicated thoughts. With distance between us, I admit there were times I doubted this whole thing. During those times I felt like quitting, like running away, like calling it off. I felt unloved, I was jealous of stupid things, I ignored his texts out of blue, I refused to call and all those stupid messy things that only I had the heart to do. Not only that, I also envied others who had time to meet and upload the evidence of their sweet moments together and I even loathed them for doing so. That is why I have unfollowed certain people and I have removed some of my followers on Instagram (oppss, sorry if I removed you).  Mannn, social media seriously is bad for my positive growth. I need to learn to be more grateful of my own blessings.

Well, other than emotion-wise, in terms of financial, mannnnn ohhh mannnnn, to meet means to spend money; A LOT of money. There is no common place for us to meet. If I were to go and meet him, I need to stay over at someone's place. If not, I will have to stay in a hotel, which means, more money to spend. If I don't want to stay over, then I have to spend only a few hours meeting him before I go off to Malacca. The journey to Malacca and to his place takes two hours. If I were to meet him when I were in Malacca, I have to take a bus early in the morning and then reach there around noon, spend a few hours together and then late evening I will have to take a bus to go back to Malacca. 4 flipping hours on the bus and almost a hundred Ringgit for the ticket. *sigh* How can I not envy those who can meet up during weekends when I can only meet him a few months once? Tell me how, just tell meeeeeee.

But, thankfully, despite all those mood swing moments, all those messy things, all those money gone down the drain, this still stands. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah for making this work. Without Him, I don't know how will this survive. And without his patience and money (my money of course)........I just don't want to write it down hahaha.

You might think awwww that's so sweet, you're so lucky and whatnot, but honestly, no pain no gain. This reminds me of my most favourite anime series; Fullmetal Alchemist. Okayyyy this is soooo random but yeah, in that anime, the principle of alchemy is: equivalent exchange. If you want to achieve something, you have to give something of the same value. With that being said, if you want to make a relationship work, you have to work for it. As simple as that. 

Easy said than done, huh? True, but seriously, it takes two to tango. Both have to work for it of course. And of course, do not, I repeat, do not underestimate the power of a prayer. Make du'a. Have faith in Him. He is the Owner of every heart, so pray to Him. 

As for you, who are still searching or who are trying to make something work, may Allah ease. I pray that whatever messy thoughts you are having, they will be put to an end one day. *virtual hugs

..............................

Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend time alone in exchange for a little time with people they love. It's for those who know good things worth to wait, even the waiting is pain.

[taken from a post on Instagram]

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: 29th October 2017.

: 7.54 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: It is a miracle that the internet connection in my area allows me to blog.

Well, that is a blessing. Alhamdulillah, may this last...foreverrrrrrrrr.

One step at a time.

"Allah does not delay a matter except for good.

He does not deprive you of a thing except for good

and He does not make you cry except for good.

He does not send a calamity upon you, except for good.

So do not be sad, every matter has good."

.................

It may be you dream of a star, and Allah wrote for you a moon.

...................

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, it is now the second step of the stairs. Oh well, one step at a time they said. However, I can't help but to notice how my dear friends are fidgeting in their seats now; feeling both happy and worried for me. I know most of them are so happy for my happiness, yet deep inside, I also understand how sad they are thinking of what might happen to our friendship once I enter another phase of my life. I totally understand that. I've been them too. I've lost a few of my dear friends once they were married as they were too busy with family and kids and somehow our friendships drifted apart through time. I can't promise that I won't be them too as I might as well be busy entering the new phase, but dear friends, do know that I am forever your friend. Even if you might feel like my attention is not on you at times you need me like before, I will always try my best to keep in touch with you. And if I happen to not keep in touch with you, do know that my thoughts and prayers are always with you. 

As for the event, many hands make light work and true to that, with the help of many, it went well smoothly. Though there were also things I regretted along the process, ohh we live and we learn. I couldn't thank enough those people who were there and those who kept me in their prayers. Thanks to my two dorky friends which made me feel their presence through the cute cheese tarts (in which I didn't get the chance to eat wuuuu whyyyyyyy). You guys are seriously a gift from heaven. Thank youuuu. Muahhhs.

This is only the second step of the long stairs towards another phase of life. Therefore, only those who always keep in touch with me and those closest to me know about this. I am sorry if you are among those who didn't know anything as I might miss you out. It's not that we are no longer friends or what. I still cherish you as friends but there are reasons why I didn't inform you. One reason is because we don't contact each other often so I might not have the chance to tell you this. It will be so awkward to call you and say, "Heyy, I am approaching the next step now." Another reason is because you and I are in the different phase; so I feel like this is not that important to tell as you have a whole different thing to think of (e.g kids and in-laws). Plus, this is just the second step. Chill and worry not, I will let you know the red -letter day okay? That one I will surely tell. Wait for it, okay? 

As for now, prayers are seriously needed along the way, so please pray for me. As for those who are venturing into this phase of life as well, I pray nothing but the best to all of you. It is not easy, but it is worth it insyaAllah. Stay strong, believe in Him and remember, He is indeed the Best Planner of all. 

: 22nd October 2017.

: 1.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Love the giver more than the gift,

and you will be gifted.

Reply 2010 (My Version)

I just called to say I love you [Stevie Wonder]

Wow, it has been such a while since I last updated things here. I once promised myself to never stop writing, hence I created this blog. Unfortunately, life has been so busy and I was caught in a lot of things- adult things; which mostly mean work, work, work and love life *cough.

Looking back at my old posts and all, I realised how easily disturbed and emotional I was. I used to think that life has treated me unfairly; with me suffering here, away from my family while most people I know had it easy with their beloveds near them. As a result, everytime I saw their posts- looking happy with family and friends, I always, always ran to a corner and sunk in self-pity. I tried my best to not feel envious of them but man, heart cannot lie. Thus, I decided to stay away from looking at those posts by uninstalling my Facebook apps from my handphone. However, I still have my Instagram and Twitter though, but those two mediums are restricted to close friends only, so that will do for now.

But yeah, those days, I drowned myself in my own tears. I beat myself with my own self-insults. I was being so negative and tend to be skeptical to every good things that happened to me. I didn't believe in good days. No, no no. Let me rephrase that. I didn't believe that good days would last. That's why I tend to see the negative side of everything and mannnnn that surely was mentally exhausting. No wonder I was so tired and not motivated. Bakpo lah kan hahaha.

Well, it's not that I am no longer negative and just all rainbows and sunshine here. I still had my gloomy days and emotional moments here and there but alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, I am trying my best to pat myself at the back no matter how bad my day is. I am learning to let go of things I cannot control; be it my students' attitude or results. I am learning to appreciate those who love me sincerely, rather than trying to seek for people's validation of me.  

Through 4 years of teaching, I've learnt so many things. I thank Allah for putting me here in Jeli, away from family, friends and entertainment (no cinema, no shopping complex, no cafe) because by being away from all those I love, I learn to appreciate them more. 

And yes, I thank Allah for you too. Never in my whole life I would deem myself as someone who can go through any relationship with distance in between, but Allah knows me better. He gives me what I need not what I want. And I believe, for those who are still struggling with self-love or with their love lives, one day everything will work out. And one day, it will all make sense. For the time being, just enjoy the ride and learn to love yourself more. You, of all people, need your very own support. 

....................................

: 7th October 2017.

: 10.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: For those who haven't watched a Korean drama entitled 'Reply 1988', 

I highly recommend you to watch it. Seriously. Trust me.

Untitled, 2017

If I can only once see you [Untitled, GDragon]

..........................

: 8th June 2017.

: 1.20 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I don't why I am so hormonal these days.

I'll be happy then the next second I'll be sad and then without a warning, I'll be so moody.

Just so you know, my emotions might change, but my heart still remains the same.

Privacy breached?

The ticking of the clock

Let me ask you one question.

How would you feel if someone opened your letter before you?

Oh, another question.

What would you feel if someone checked your result (online) before you? And without your consent? How would you respond to that?

......................

For some people, they might think that heyy it is nothing. You might think that you can do that and get away being forgiven by that person if you are close to that person. But, please think about it one more time. Would you like it if you were waiting for that result yourself, but then someone came along and said, "Heyy, I know your result. I checked it just now." Come on, ask yourself that one.

Oh, you might say I will be okay with that because I don't mind people spoiling the ending of certain movies. But no. It is totally not the same with movie spoiler. Why? Because this is my personal stuff. My result. Not yours. Not anybody's.

I am honestly sad and disappointed that this happened to me. I just don't know whether I am being over-dramatic or oversensitive but never in my life I would do that to others. I still remember how some of my friends used to say how they don't like it if people scroll the photos in their handphone without their consent. Even though this is not the same thing, still it is a breach of privacy.

Never in my life I would use my friend's ID and all to check their results. Because I know, they have the rights to check their own results before me. It is their affairs. Their personal result. And if I am dying to know, I will come up to them and ask them. If we are close, of course they will end up telling. Because to sneak around and check their results without them knowing is totally a breach of privacy. And it shows how you don't respect them to give them the rights to know their own results first. 

The moment I knew someone checked my result before me, I was speechless. I didn't know what to reply. And after some time, the disappointment kicked in. I have tried my best to think positive out of this and I guess people make mistakes; especially when they are excited or nervous. But I hope this won't happen again; to me and to you. Because believe me, the feelings are ugly.

Remember, everyone is entitled to know their own matter first. Unless they tell you to check for them. Respect them enough to ask them first. Let this be a lesson to us all.

...............................

: 29th May 2017.

: 2.45 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I just checked my egtukar result a few minutes ago.

He said, "All that glitters is not gold."

Up until today, I just don't understand how; with my messy mind and complicated thoughts, I am loved by others. I have a lot weaknesses, plus, no matter how people see me as someone who is calm and can help people in sorting their thoughts (I think), I am still a person who has a lot of insecurities and doubts about myself.

Always, not just sometimes, I feel rather unloved. Not that people around me don't love me enough, in fact they love me more than I deserve, but I always have this stupid thought that they just love me because I need love and support. One of my friends used to scold me a lot because of this stupid, irrational thought. But no matter how, I can't stop thinking that way once in a blue moon. 

I know it is unfair for those who truly, genuinely love me. My family, for example. I know they love me so much, but when things are difficult, I want them to be by my side but mannnn, being in Jeli, distance just sucks. Oh, not just distance. The phone line also sucks, which contributes to poor internet connection. Oh man, you never know how much cursing I have done every single time the line has failed me. I know patience is a virtue, but hey, try being here and tell me about it.

I know I don't do justice to Jeli by condemning this place only. I admit, Jeli is a peaceful place, full of trees and by being surrounded by hills, the air is so fresh and most of the mornings are so cold (a good kind of cold) in which I like so much. Have I mentioned to you about the traffic? Oh man, the traffic is sooooooooooooo not like Penang. Traffic jam? Nah-neverrrrr. Oh, I take it back, once there was a traffic jam though, thanks to Le Tour de Langkawi. Not that I am complaining though, because.....sports is lifeeeeeee (at least to my beloved ones). I should see the good things in Jeli, right? I know, I know. But please, try to understand meeeeeeee.

So, at the end of this long post, I just want to say I thank Allah for you. Yes, you who without fail will love me despite all my messy thoughts and all my dark sides. Thanks, dear you (you know who you are). No matter what I might say or do, deep down I do cherish your presence in my life. Please continue to love me okay? 

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Grammar note:

'You' can be a singular subject (pronoun)

or a plural subject.

You decide. 

Hihi.

: 12th March 2017.

: 8.42 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: My mom has transferred to Malacca.

So now I have two homes; one in Penang and one in Malacca.

Oh, distanceeeeeeeee. Sakit bahu cheq nak drive jauhhh.

Chapter 1: New Year, New You.

It's a beautiful life [Crush]

Wow, it has been such a while since I last wrote something here. A lot of things happened throughout the last two months in which I had no time to properly sit down and write. Oh well, I did have time watching drama series, of course, but with the pathetic line here in Jeli, you should probably understand why I didn't write anything. 

Allah has been so wonderful to me. His abundant blessings to me each day make me feel so unworthy for I have been not a good muslim as I should be. Even so, I am learning to be grateful day by day though there were times when I failed to do so. 

You know what, we human beings always compare ourselves with others. When we don't get what we want, we always look at those around us and envy them for all the nicer things in life that they are blessed with. We will compare and think; "Oh Allah, why can't I be like them? Why do I have to wait? When is my turn? Why do I have to suffer? Why me, Allah, why?". As we do that, we will feel so depressed and feel out of love. However, when we are happy, we forget that the very exact moment is what we always pray for. We forget that we are so blessed. We forget that Allah has answered our prayers in the form He knows that it is the best for us. 

Wake up. Remember what Allah says? "If you are grateful, I will give you more" [Ibrahim, 14:7]

So, dear self, please please please, whenever you feel that life is unfair, remember that Allah is withholding something from you just to give something better in return. Trust Him. 

.........................

: 12th January 2017.

: 11.00 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Let us pray and be grateful for each day and each blessing.

And tell you what, no matter what happens, you are one of the blessings.

I am indeed blessed to have you in my life. Thank you.

Honestly, I miss...you?

How can I love you [Kim Junsu]

Sometimes it’s not the hardships and trials in your life that make you realize how low your imaan has been and how desperately you need Allah and need to return to Him. 

Sometimes, it’s the blessings. Sometimes it’s the outpour of blessings. Sometimes you just look around you and nothing has changed really but you look around and you fall to your knees thinking, I don’t deserve this. How merciful is your Rabb that you can go on this spiral of heedless sins and yet Allah holds back from taking it all away.

Pay attention. Be mindful of your time. 

The best way to show your gratefulness is through obedience and remembrance.

[taken from hakunamatata.tumblr.com]

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Me: I think so. I don't know.

.....................

: 28th September 2016.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: One of my dear friends told me that I should not keep things inside

and pretend that I am okay when I am not.

I am learning to share my messy, complicated thoughts.

I hope it is not too burdening to you.

And I hope you can share yours too.

What love is.

Have I told you lately that I love you [Rod Steward]

What is love? My gorgeous housemate and I always have this conversation of what is love. I guess most of us do. To be honest with you, I do not know what love is supposed to mean. Yeah, really. What is love, romantically speaking? Does it mean you always think about the other person? Or does it mean you are willing to do something for that person? How about actions? Words? Which one comes first? So if people love you, does it mean you have to love that person back? Or the other way around? Does love mean you have to give all your heart and come what may you will do anything for the person you love? Or does honour come first like Rudolf Rassendyll in the Prisoner of Zenda? Oh, love is complicated. 

Even if I am not in a position to fully experience what love is (romantically speaking) since I am not yet married, I have been observing how people around me love each other. And you know what I found? I found that:

1. Love is when you can speak up your thoughts without the fear of being judged.
2. Love is when you accept the other person's strengths and weaknesses alike. 
3. Love is when you do not try to change the other person to be what you have always expected them to be.
4. Love is when you still eat the meal that your beloved prepared though the taste is not up to your liking.
5. Love is when you offer to lend a hand with the house chores even if you are so d*mn tired after work.
6. Love is when you still accompany your beloved to do the things they like even if you hate doing those things (grocery shopping for example?).
7. Love is when you can afford to let your beloved laze around in pajamas during their day off (or maybe join them?).
8. Love is when you can stay next to them when they can never stop talking or crying.  
9. Love is when you let the other person has their own personal time like hanging out with their friends without you tagging along.
10. Love is when you trust the other person that you let them read through your messages.
11. Love is when you never hesitate to share the news (be it good or bad) with your beloved first before anyone else. 
12. Love is when even you disagree with the other person's thoughts or ideas, you do not raise your voice or shout right in their face.
13. Love is when you put your hand-phone down and in silent mode when you both are having your time together. 
14. Love is when you feel the other person is not doing their work, you remind them instead of keeping it inside and later on be angry with them without them knowing why.
15. Love is when you are so angry with the other one, yet you still eat together.
16. Love is when you learn to think positive and make excuses for the other one for turning up late (or forgetting to fetch you on time). 
17. Love is when you think of the other person and mention their name every time someone else (maybe a more attractive person than the one with you) try to flirt with you.
18. Love is when you still wait for the other person even if you are soooo starving or sleepy.
19. Love is when you call the other person to ask when are they coming back or when you just want to see how they are doing at work (or something).
20. Love is when you bring back the food or things they like after you have gone for a trip or an outstation.

And the most important thing is: 

• Love is when you always keep that person in your prayers.  

....................

 "If you cannot swallow your pride,

you are not thirsty enough for her love."

- Pierre Jeanty

: 27th August 2016.

: 11.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I heard one of my friends is having problems with love.

I really hope they can overcome that.

Even if I am a pessimist (at times), I do want all people to have their happily ever after.

The second time it happened, I was calm.

[Surah Al-Israa recitatin by Saad al-Ghamidi]

Luqman Hakeem was asked:

"Who taught you manners?"

He replied:

"Those without manners."

.........................

If you notice, regarding schools, I usually talk about students but not teachers. You might think that I have no problem with teachers since I never once wrote about them, but no, I do. 

Teachers are humans you see. I am, therefore I am full of flaws. All other teachers too. If you are in this profession, you will meet so many teachers who become the reason why other people look down on teachers. These teachers neglect their work, enter class late, talk about other things other than the subject they should teach in class, not entering their class, smoke behind the school buildings and yet chase after students who smoke, bully young new teachers and so many other negative attitude I choose not to write. However, amidst all those teachers, there are also teachers who are soooooooo dedicated to their work, cherish their students, willing to sacrifice their time to make sure students achieve good results, do the work given without passing it to other people (young new teachers), exhibit good manners and sooooooo many positive attitude I shall not be able to write here.

I admit there are times when I enter late and talk about other things too in class. However, as I have always been reminded by my dear friends and family that God sees all that I do, I try my best to portray good manners as a teacher and complete all the other work (unrelated to teaching especially like sending students to camps and whatnot) given by school. Unfortunately, problems started to occur as I was given a lot of posts in school. I have so many posts and there were times when I couldn't keep up with all the work. 

I still remember how tiring and devastating it was for me to have three exam classes last year. The first year itself, I was appointed as the secretary and vice secretary for so many departments. Oh man, I didn't even know how to write the minute for the meeting but I tried my best to do so. 

However, despite me being the greenie (new young teacher), other teachers evaluated me as if I had a few years of experience just like them. I still remember the hurt I felt when my Head of Panel told me that one teacher announced to the whole staff room that I didn't enter a Form Five class. I entered the class actually but I was ten minutes late as I was waiting for the photocopy machine. I didn't know that she announced to the whole staff room and entered the class as usual. So, when my Head of Panel told me about that, I felt so hurt as even if I did enter the class, other teachers would believe her as she announced it. And actually, that teacher did pass by my class while I was teaching so she should know that she had just made a mistake of accusing me earlier on. But she didn't apologise. She didn't even tell the other teachers that she was wrong. So tell me, how can I undo what other teachers think of me? Until now, I have this trauma of entering class slightly later, thanks to that teacher. 

That was the first incident. There were a few incidents after that in which I decided not to take heed of what other teachers said. As long as I know I did the best I could, I shall not let their words hurt me again. And, after some time, this kind of thing happened again last week. This time, another teacher told the teachers who are supposed to do the relief thingy that I had never performed my duty as the Koperasi teacher. What the heck? I did go to the Koperasi and monitor the prefects do their jobs and just because that one time I had to excuse myself as I needed to sort out the paperwork with the Principal, she told other teachers that I slacked off. This is soooo funny how people can just simply say about other people. What a smart mouth you have there. I was soooo mad to that unjust accusation I felt like screaming my lung out but instead of doing such thing, I told the teachers about what happened during that one time. I told them maybe she was mistaken and I admitted that I did not do my work perfectly. And just that, the teachers told me not to worry as they have known her for always talk bad about other teachers. So, after that incident, I promised myself that after this, no matter what happens, I will stand there in that Koperasi until my slot ends. Come what may, I will stand there and smile as if I never know about what she had said about me.

So there you go. The stories about me and other teachers. Maybe it's me who have flaws so yeah, with them being so nosy, I have learnt to be a better teacher. Thank you. Without you guys, I won't be able to correct myself. And thank you Allah for teaching me through these people.

.........................

"Fitnah and gossip dies when it hits a wise person's ears.

Be that wise person."

-Dr Anwar Fazal 

: 26th August 2016.

: 7.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am blessed to have such good friends around me.

Thank you for every kind wish and prayer.

I am officially 27 years old (and one day) todayyyyy.

Let us embrace aging beautifully haha.

Unpretty pretty.

"Fix your heart, and your heart will fix your mind."

Earlier this month, I had a random conversation with my dear friends about the rising population of pretty instafamous girls on social media especially instagram. We noticed how these girls; who most of them are wayyyy younger than us (some of them are still in their secondary school era), are so pretty until it makes us feel so not pretty in comparison.

Every single time we looked at these pretty girls' posts and photos, we would envy them for their beauty. As for me, I did not only envy them for their beauty, but inferiority complex would start kicking in. 'Why am I not as pretty as those girls?' I would ask myself that over and over again. And without me realising it, I am starting to believe that to be pretty is to look like them. I started to google on tutorials; be it make-up tutorials or hijab tutorials, I started to search for more pretty girls on instagram and I started to venture into skincare products (there goes my money haha).

Still, I can never be as pretty as those girls. And when an unexpected comment hit me, I felt so down and even worse, I felt so ugly (hahaha okayy you might think I exaggerated but hey, that's what I felt). I kept asking myself why am I not blessed with good genes. Days passed by and after I listened to my own words, I realised I was being so ungrateful to Allah who has created me.

And when I listened to a talk by Ustazah Norhafizah binti Musa on women and beauty during suhoor a few days ago, I mentally slapped myself. She was right when she said,

"When we are so busy following people's definition of beauty, we will never be able to catch up with what they want. Long time ago people used to like thin lips and eyebrow, but nowadays people like full lips and thick eyebrow instead. You will be tired catching up with never-ending and forever-changing beauty trend. Instead, it will be better if you just take care with what is given by Allah to you and keep on improving the beauty of your soul."

Subhanallah, she spoke right through my heart. So, even though I am still feeling down and feeling not-so-pretty, I will try my best to work on the beauty of my soul. First task, let's learn to be patient.

............................

"Beauty isn't about having a pretty face. 

It is about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and most importantly, a beautiful soul."

: 17th June 2016.

: 6.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just followed two beautiful people on instagram haha.

I will just smile widely today.

When you say nothing at all [Ronan Keating]

"Look at yourself as a colour. You may not be everybody's favourite colour but believe me, one day you will meet someone who needs you to complete his picture."

......................

"You don't need to promise me the moon and the stars,

just promise me you will stand under them with me forever."

......................

My exact question, almost every single day of my life (now). Ahha.

.................

Just before I rushed to that Form 1 class, the school clerk told me there was a parcel for me. I was clueless as I told her that as far as I could remember, I didn't even buy anything online or ask my mother to post me things. So, after I got back from that class, I went straight to the office.

The moment I saw the name on the parcel, I smiled. Aishh, why did you take my words seriously? Ahhaa. If that isn't sweet, I don't know what is. Thanks, dear. I don't think I deserve such sweet gesture from anyone; especially from you. Thanks, I really like it. May Allah shower you with more blessings for such kind gesture :)

: 10th April 2016.

: 11.57 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I found my mouth saying to other people the words I should tell to myself.

I meant good but it turned out the opposite.

Family Potret [Pink]

" I was dying to 

hear

someone say

That I didn't need

to try so hard to be perfect,

That I was enough

and it was okay."

..........................

“Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. 

But it's those hours that make us what we are.”

........................

"Sometimes the hardest people to love

are the ones who need it the most."

......................

: 27th February 2016.

: 11.25 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I went back home for the weekend.

Even if it was a short one, so many things happened.

And I was left with the feeling of disappointment and guilty.

From Butterworth to Gombak.

Terlalu rindu, terlalu rindu, jujur aku terlalu rindu, tiada lain selain rindu

"Maybe I love too much

and maybe I show too little."

....................

Last week, a few days before the school holiday, I suddenly had the urge to go on a train. I didn't think of where to go, but I did want to go somewhere by train. I mentioned it randomly to one of my friends but she didn't quite catch it. So, I sent a text to one of my dearest about this. Thinking that I haven't had the opportunity to sit and share things with just the two of us, I asked her if she had any plan over the weekend. Thankfully, she didn't have any plan so tadaaaaa-- I bought an ETS ticket to KL Sentral. 

Meeting her is what I actually needed for such a long time. Even though we did meet during one of my friends' wedding in Teluk Intan, the time was too short for us to share lots of things that we used to share ever since we were roommates back in the Teaching College nine years ago. And I seriously need to talk to her, sharing what has been bothering me and what have I gone through since we have been posted to our respective schools. There were soooooo many things to talk about and alhamdulillah, meeting her was the best decision I have ever made this month. Thank you Allah for such opportunity.

.......................

Dear, 

Thank you so much for everything. I guess the time we spent together wasn't enough to cover all topics; you name it; schools, friends, colleagues, relatives, students and the list goes on and on. I still remember how we used to spend our nights talking about random things. I also remember all those dilemma and stress we used to share until whoever hurts either one of us, we won't hesitate to go after that person back in our foundation years. The thought of you scolding those people never fails to make me smile. The thought of us being scolded for coming late to class too never fails to make me laugh. Oh, when we are together, we are always late. It is not that either one of us wake up late or what, but when we are together, we always feel that we can take our own sweet time and no matter what, we feel that we can make it. Yeahhh, that's what we think. And I guess dear, in the recent issue that we talked about, I am trying hard to think that yeahhh, we can make it too. I still have that photo of yours, you know, about the tree? Yeahh, I will keep it of course. Meanwhile, please take care and believe that my prayers are always with you. Love you so much lillah. May Allah protect you and shower you with more love around you for being such a loving friend to me; who don't deserve such amount of love from anyone. I love you, saranghaeeeee.

......................

People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

: 13th February 2016.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Everytime I listen to 'Terlalu Rindu' by Eleena Harris, I remember you.

The sky looked so blue.

Maybe you don't have to smile so sad, laugh when you're feeling bad

But the most beautiful things in life are not just things,

they're people and places,

memories and pictures.

They're feelings and moments

and smiles and laughter.

....................

Sometimes you don't realise 

you're actually drowning 

when you're trying to be 

everyone else's anchor.

....................

A healthy relationship is one where

two independent people just make a deal that 

they will help make the other person

the best version of themselves.

...................

Far too many people are looking for the right person,

instead of trying to be the right person.

: 1st February 2016.

: 9.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today was a long day. I was the MC for an event in the school.

Even though I didn't have to teach, I was more than just exhausted.

Oh, I just couldn't wait for this Thursday.

I am taking a train to meet one of my dearest friends.Yeaaahhhh alhamdulillah~

I won't tell a soul.

If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn't be strong, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same

"If there's anything I've learned from my recent spiritual/ religious studies and silently observing my environment, it's that when God loves you, He won't necessarily bless you in ways that are obvious or material like a new high-powered job or prestigious degrees. Instead, He will favour you in ways that make you more grounded internally and make you a better human being. He will give you a better sense of self. He will give you a better sense of self-worth. He will give you charity in knowledge. He will give you clarity in knowing Him. He will give you more opportunities to help others. And ultimately, He will give you peace of mind and a sound heart. Sometimes, His blessings are not obvious."

.................

Why can't anyone put them together as the main leads instead? We need villain-like couples too, not just sweet mushy pairs.

Why? So that we can see a drama where instead of evil parents or jealous frenemy, it is them who ruin each other's love life. You know, it will be so anxious and frustrating to watch how unpredictable they might be and how their ego and dark sides will test the love that they have for each other. Because, in this life, rather than other people, it is us who make it difficult for happiness to creep in our life. It is us who build walls and hurt others; just to protect our own hearts. But in the end, it is us who hurt ourselves.

See, isn't it interesting to watch this kind of drama? We need our main leads to have flaws because admit it, we all do have flaws, in our own way. 

....................

These few days, I noticed how my dear friends are having dark days of their own. I have been there; you know, the feeling of sadness, self-pity, self-doubt and hurt even though the reasons might not be the same. Some time this week, in my English class, I taught my students of a poem entitled 'What Has Happened to Lulu?'. One of the issues in the poem is 'everyone, no matter what is their age, faces their own kind of problems'.  While teaching them this, I had this realisation that yeah, we all have our own problems. For us, we find that our problem is big, and sometimes much bigger than everyone else's. When others tell us not to fret too much, we feel that it is unfair for them to say so because they don't know how we feel. That is why most of the times, we feel like people won't understand us because they are not in our shoes. However, my dear, God is fair. Whatever problem we are facing, it is because He knows that no one, except us who can bear such burden. Hence, that is why in Quran, there is a verse saying; "Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear."

So, my dear friends, please be strong and have faith that no matter how bad it is right now, He will make sure you can go through it. I love you all the same, and while I am physically far from each of you, my prayers are just behind you. Until we meet again, do take care.

: 29th January 2016.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can.

Reconstructing thoughts.

Where are you? Do you know my heart? [Hello Goodbye, Hyorin]

"We are nothing but a paradox;

both our thoughts and actions contradict most of the times."

..................

1. I was supposed to start my journey around 2.30 p.m, however, I overslept. I woke up around 2 p.m.
2. Throughout the journey to Kota Bharu, it was raining.
3. I used the second road and it was a good decision. 
4. I forgot how to go to Tesco. I decided to follow a bus and reached Tesco in no time. Alhamdulillah.
5. There were a lot of cars near Tesco. Thank God I managed to get a parking lot.
6. My dear friend and I bought a pair of baju kurung each. It was definitely affordable and cute; worth both our time and money.
7. We watched a horror (?) drama series on TV. I ended up watching videos of a cute namja before sleep. 
8. The breakfast was so limited. We had to eat another meal in KB Mall.
9. She bought two cute minion cups as the wedding gift for the groom and bride.
10. The traffic jam was so bad. So did my mood. In fact, my mood was worse than the traffic jam.
11. The road was so narrow. I felt suffocated. 
12. The groom was happy to see my dear friend; his old classmate. They talked of old times for such a brief moment. Such interaction melted my anger away.
13. We rushed to the bus station. Thank God I still remember the way.
14. We managed to arrive there in the nick of time. 
15. I had to go through the same traffic jam, alone. 
16. Listening to old songs made me think a lot.
17. Reached around 5 p.m. and the first thing I did was to check the food in the fridge.
18. I cooked chicken soup for the soul. Eh, chicken soup only.
19. I continued to watch Episode 13 of You Who Came from the Star. Kim Soo Hyun was such a complicated human being, opps, my bad. A complicated alien.
20. I had to be brutally, and bluntly honest.
21. I called my dearest friend just to hear her voice. May Allah bless you, dear beautiful soul.
22. Now I have to sort out my thoughts by writing everything down.

.....................

"If you don't have good intentions, please just leave me alone.

I'm tired."

....................

Somebody asked me yesterday if I'm looking for love, 

I said no, I'm looking for happiness....

but I want love to find me.

: 24th January 2016.

: 12.45 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I want to stop thinking about this type of thing.

This heat is killing me softly.

Wake up, your sleeping heart [The Vamps]

"I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. 

They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be."

.....................

These days, the heat was too much to bear. I had to drink more than before (which is actually a good thing), I had to shower more than twice a day (oh man, I am not fond of bathing just because I am too lazy to do so), I had to keep my windows open even at night and now, my brain...my brain is on the verge of exploding with the fire of wrath (thank you dear students) and overthinking.

"In every sorrow, seek happiness."

Indeed, I am trying to live my life with the above quote. Still, trying is a never-ending battle in which both my emotions and my physical strength will have to participate. Oh, whatever. I don't even know what I am writing. 

I just finished watching 'The Heirs'. Oh please, don't judge me. I don't find that drama is that interesting because let me tell you, the story is so cliche. You know families of chaebol fighting over companies, evil parents who happen to be the presidents of the companies, rich kids fighting for power in school and of course, a love story between a chaebol and an ordinary girl who happen to have a lot of part-time jobs (and yet she has the time to date a chaebol ahhahaha this is the power of drama, people, it's dramaaaa). However, I still watched it and I find myself falling for two dark characters in that drama. Oh well, when I fall for such characters, of course, in no time, I have googled for that pairing. So, I have another pairing now and great stories with them in it are already bookmarked by me. It's time to read now, peeps. He he he he.

For those who don't understand what I have just written, don't worry, it is not that important. I just had to write it down; for me in particular. I have so much things in my mind now so I have to let certain things out so I can breathe and think properly.

Have I ever told you that since early December, one of my relatives has been urging me to get married? Oh, don't be shocked. I don't have any candidate at the moment, so yeah, my marriage might not be that soon. The thing is, this relative of mine is so persistent. Every single day (okay I exaggerated but well almost every day), she will send me a quote on marriage and marriage and marriage and marriage. She has never contacted me before that often, but since her son is getting engaged this March, she started to urge me. She tried to pair me up with a guy she barely knows and expected me to just accept that guy without having to get to know him personally. She even asked my grandmother to tell my mom to have me go for 'mandi bunga'. I was like, seriously? Mandi bunga? Seriously?! 

I know she is being concerned as I am still single and dating no one apparently, but this is burdening. I know, I am the eldest grandchild and since my cousin which is younger than me by a year and oh well, my cousin is a guy, people might start looking at me in different perspective now. Yeah, let me tell you what perspective; I am an old maiden which is so unattractive to have failed in dating anyone. I actually don't mind that much if people I don't personally close to think and see me that way. However, when my own relatives do that to me, I feel like it's true. I am unattractive. I am not interesting. I am dull. I am not sweet enough to make anyone fall in love with me. That is why I am having a lot of self-doubt recently. 

How can I love myself when people near me see me as an unattractive lady? A lady that no man looks at. A lady who is single at the age of 27 years old this year. Tell me, just how can I believe I am beautiful when in my relatives' eyes, I am a failure? This is seriously killing me inside. I might look like I don't care but deep down inside, every time I see myself in the mirror, I feel like am I that unattractive and plain ugly. So tell me, how would I believe you when you say guys will be flocking around me in no time because I am pretty? Tell me, please.

: 19th January 2016.

: 8.53 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I had six periods of classes

and when I tried to be positive,

that message just killed my mood.