These days, my body hurts.

Have I told you lately that I love you

The weather has been crazy these past few days, hasn't it? The combination of crazy weather and a whole load of work I have been doing for the past few days; has totally taken a toll on me.

My body started to feel a bit more tired that I always fall asleep so fast and mannn, the moment I woke up- I never felt so awake and tired at the same time. I don't know how to explain it but it felt good having a good sleep but my mind felt tired thinking of a brand new day I would need to go through again. So complicated.

Talking about feeling tired, oh this reminds me of the few weeks before I delivered my dear son. 

In the first trimester, I did not have a rough time with morning sickness. I always thought morning sickness means that most of the pregnant ladies will somehow vomit or throw up early in the morning; thus the name morning sickness. However, in my case, it's more to evening sickness? I don't know what to call since the nausea feeling came only during evening. My mornings were mostly me waking up feeling like 'oh man I need more hours of sleep' but once I hit the shower, alhamdulillahh I was ready to gear up for school. 

Unfortunately, it was not the case once dinner time was almost there. I couldn't stand the smell of rice, imagine that. I didn't like rice hahahha can you imagine? Me? Not eating rice? Hahahha but yeah, that was what happened to me. I could only took a few bites and that's that. My preference was more to western food at that time. You name it. Chicken chop? Burgers? Spaghetti? Pasta? Yes, those were the foods that fueled me up in the beginning of my pregnancy. However, alhamdulillahh during the next two trimesters, my appetite came back. Come rice, get into my bellyyyyy. 

As for weird cravings and whatnot, I think I was more into wanting to go travelling. During pregnancy, I went to a few states; well, mainly in the matter of attending weddings and visiting friends. But man, I did travel a lot. Alhamdulillahh I didn't have any complications travelling by bus, car or flight. Some people did warn me to get enough rest as not many could travel far with their big belly but alhamdulillahh this baby appeared to love being on a trip. I think it might also have some relation to me and husband being in long distance relationship. We only managed to see each other during weekends so when the long holidays were finally there, we took the opportunity to travel together especially before we have another one coming aboard. Oh, how we were so ecstatic with the thoughts of having the little one to join us travelling but fast forward, now with all this Covid pandemic going on, we have to put a pause to all those plans we had back then. Those traveling times made us become closer and I thank Allah for all those opportunities. I was so glad I managed to travel to Bandung, Indonesia with my husband as he had never been to overseas before. Alhamdulillah at least his first trip was with me gituw hikhikhik gedik kan. 

Even though I did look like I had quite a smooth pregnancy, towards the last few weeks before labour, I experienced what they call as 'sciatica'; pain and numbness that radiate along the sciatic nerve from the lower back to the buttocks and leg.  Oh man, the pain. I couldn't walk as fast as I used to. I even felt the sharp pain every time I wanted to climb down the stairs. I put on smiles every time people bumped into me but mannnn the painnnnnn. The pain was nothing I could imagine before. That was only 'sciatica', I didn't know what type of pain other mothers had to go through. That was such a good reminder for me of the struggles that other mothers might go through. Please grant jannah to all mothers, oh Allah.

It was during those challenging and painful times that made me missed my spouse so much. I always wished he was there to at least massage my leg or whatnot but man, the distance. It was tough going through the rough nights alone. I did wake up a few times at nights because of the pain and the urge to pee. Man, how can mothers pee a lot with their big bellyyyy? It was such a struggle. But alhamdulillahh, if Allah put you to it, He will put you through it right? Alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh I managed to go through almost 40 weeks of being pregnant. And on a day before the EDD, I delivered my first born. 

Just when I thought the struggles had finally over, the postpartum period was another different type of struggle. Hey, for every blessing of course there's a test that comes with it. That's the price of it kan? So whenever you face a difficulty, be patient, a blessing is on the way. Just be patient and trust Him, okay?

..................

: 3rd August 2020.

: Merlimau, Melaka.

: A child is both a blessing and a responsibility.

Less than a month now.

Bagi semua yang dirancang tak kesampaian,

yakinlah Allah sedang menyimpan sesuatu yang lebih berharga 

untuk dihadiahkan di hari kemudian.

Kita merancang dengan cita-cita,

Allah selamanya merancang dengan cinta.

...............................

If Allah brings you to it,

He will bring you through it.

...............................

If you ask me what do I feel right now, trust me, I don't even know what do I really feel. It's like, oh well, how should I put it, erm it's like you are waiting for a trip to a place you've been dreaming of and the day for the trip is finally around the corner. You are so excited to go, but at the same time you are busy with the preparation. You are spending your time checking the places to go, you are booking your accommodation, you are google-ing for the places to eat, you are reading reviews of the places, you are trying hard to save the money, you are making sure all the tickets are there, fuhh the list goes on and on. At times, suddenly you feel nervous and scared of all kind of bad things that might happen. That is why when you ask me what do I feel, I just don't know what to feel and what to say.

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, things won't go smoothly without the help of many beautiful souls in my life. Oh, what did I do to deserve them all. And when a few of my friends told me that they would come to my important day even though they are from Penang, I just couldn't thank them enough. I'm more than touched for their willingness to drive all the way and spend a night in Malacca just for my day. Only Allah can repay all of you. And, may Allah grant all of you all the happiness you deserve.

As for now, let me take my time with all the sports stuff in the school. These days are getting hotter and hotter. Fuhh, I'm pretty sure I will get sunburn sooner or later. Oh well, never mind. As long as all my beloved ones are happy and healthy when the day comes, I will be more than happy.

Please pray for me, okay? 

: 28th February 2018.

: Malacca, Malaysia.

: Let's hope that the Sports Day will over soon.

Privacy breached?

The ticking of the clock

Let me ask you one question.

How would you feel if someone opened your letter before you?

Oh, another question.

What would you feel if someone checked your result (online) before you? And without your consent? How would you respond to that?

......................

For some people, they might think that heyy it is nothing. You might think that you can do that and get away being forgiven by that person if you are close to that person. But, please think about it one more time. Would you like it if you were waiting for that result yourself, but then someone came along and said, "Heyy, I know your result. I checked it just now." Come on, ask yourself that one.

Oh, you might say I will be okay with that because I don't mind people spoiling the ending of certain movies. But no. It is totally not the same with movie spoiler. Why? Because this is my personal stuff. My result. Not yours. Not anybody's.

I am honestly sad and disappointed that this happened to me. I just don't know whether I am being over-dramatic or oversensitive but never in my life I would do that to others. I still remember how some of my friends used to say how they don't like it if people scroll the photos in their handphone without their consent. Even though this is not the same thing, still it is a breach of privacy.

Never in my life I would use my friend's ID and all to check their results. Because I know, they have the rights to check their own results before me. It is their affairs. Their personal result. And if I am dying to know, I will come up to them and ask them. If we are close, of course they will end up telling. Because to sneak around and check their results without them knowing is totally a breach of privacy. And it shows how you don't respect them to give them the rights to know their own results first. 

The moment I knew someone checked my result before me, I was speechless. I didn't know what to reply. And after some time, the disappointment kicked in. I have tried my best to think positive out of this and I guess people make mistakes; especially when they are excited or nervous. But I hope this won't happen again; to me and to you. Because believe me, the feelings are ugly.

Remember, everyone is entitled to know their own matter first. Unless they tell you to check for them. Respect them enough to ask them first. Let this be a lesson to us all.

...............................

: 29th May 2017.

: 2.45 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: I just checked my egtukar result a few minutes ago.

The second time it happened, I was calm.

[Surah Al-Israa recitatin by Saad al-Ghamidi]

Luqman Hakeem was asked:

"Who taught you manners?"

He replied:

"Those without manners."

.........................

If you notice, regarding schools, I usually talk about students but not teachers. You might think that I have no problem with teachers since I never once wrote about them, but no, I do. 

Teachers are humans you see. I am, therefore I am full of flaws. All other teachers too. If you are in this profession, you will meet so many teachers who become the reason why other people look down on teachers. These teachers neglect their work, enter class late, talk about other things other than the subject they should teach in class, not entering their class, smoke behind the school buildings and yet chase after students who smoke, bully young new teachers and so many other negative attitude I choose not to write. However, amidst all those teachers, there are also teachers who are soooooooo dedicated to their work, cherish their students, willing to sacrifice their time to make sure students achieve good results, do the work given without passing it to other people (young new teachers), exhibit good manners and sooooooo many positive attitude I shall not be able to write here.

I admit there are times when I enter late and talk about other things too in class. However, as I have always been reminded by my dear friends and family that God sees all that I do, I try my best to portray good manners as a teacher and complete all the other work (unrelated to teaching especially like sending students to camps and whatnot) given by school. Unfortunately, problems started to occur as I was given a lot of posts in school. I have so many posts and there were times when I couldn't keep up with all the work. 

I still remember how tiring and devastating it was for me to have three exam classes last year. The first year itself, I was appointed as the secretary and vice secretary for so many departments. Oh man, I didn't even know how to write the minute for the meeting but I tried my best to do so. 

However, despite me being the greenie (new young teacher), other teachers evaluated me as if I had a few years of experience just like them. I still remember the hurt I felt when my Head of Panel told me that one teacher announced to the whole staff room that I didn't enter a Form Five class. I entered the class actually but I was ten minutes late as I was waiting for the photocopy machine. I didn't know that she announced to the whole staff room and entered the class as usual. So, when my Head of Panel told me about that, I felt so hurt as even if I did enter the class, other teachers would believe her as she announced it. And actually, that teacher did pass by my class while I was teaching so she should know that she had just made a mistake of accusing me earlier on. But she didn't apologise. She didn't even tell the other teachers that she was wrong. So tell me, how can I undo what other teachers think of me? Until now, I have this trauma of entering class slightly later, thanks to that teacher. 

That was the first incident. There were a few incidents after that in which I decided not to take heed of what other teachers said. As long as I know I did the best I could, I shall not let their words hurt me again. And, after some time, this kind of thing happened again last week. This time, another teacher told the teachers who are supposed to do the relief thingy that I had never performed my duty as the Koperasi teacher. What the heck? I did go to the Koperasi and monitor the prefects do their jobs and just because that one time I had to excuse myself as I needed to sort out the paperwork with the Principal, she told other teachers that I slacked off. This is soooo funny how people can just simply say about other people. What a smart mouth you have there. I was soooo mad to that unjust accusation I felt like screaming my lung out but instead of doing such thing, I told the teachers about what happened during that one time. I told them maybe she was mistaken and I admitted that I did not do my work perfectly. And just that, the teachers told me not to worry as they have known her for always talk bad about other teachers. So, after that incident, I promised myself that after this, no matter what happens, I will stand there in that Koperasi until my slot ends. Come what may, I will stand there and smile as if I never know about what she had said about me.

So there you go. The stories about me and other teachers. Maybe it's me who have flaws so yeah, with them being so nosy, I have learnt to be a better teacher. Thank you. Without you guys, I won't be able to correct myself. And thank you Allah for teaching me through these people.

.........................

"Fitnah and gossip dies when it hits a wise person's ears.

Be that wise person."

-Dr Anwar Fazal 

: 26th August 2016.

: 7.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am blessed to have such good friends around me.

Thank you for every kind wish and prayer.

I am officially 27 years old (and one day) todayyyyy.

Let us embrace aging beautifully haha.

The melody lingers on.

Show me the meaning of being lonely [Backstreetboys]

"It's not the eyes that are blind, but the hearts." 

[22: 46]

.....................

I don't know why but recently I don't have appetite to eat. It's not that I didn't eat but rather I didn't look forward to eating just like how I used to. People around me keep saying that it's because of tiredness and because I have too many things on my mind; which is quite right, I think. I guess rather than having troubles to sleep, I am having more troubles getting myself to eat properly.

Realising this, yesterday, I took some time off from watching movies and anything online for an hour just to sort out what is bothering me. Unfortunately, sorting it out doesn't mean it is resolved, but I have come to a realisation that I should rearrange my day-to-day schedule. If not, I will feel like a drag if I don't rearrange it any sooner. 

So, today, despite the fact that I went to bed a bit later than usual last night, I woke up early and drank a cup of honey drink. A good day begins with a good breakfast they said, so yeahhh, I had fruits for breakfast yesterday. It was not that filling but I managed. I did a few minutes of stretching after that because I feel like my body has been screaming for a proper exercise since forever. Here, I don't have the opportunity to exercise properly so I guess I should incorporate a little bit of stretching at least 10 minutes a day. I don't aim for the body of a model (obviously), I just wanna feel healthy because for the past two months in school, I find myself to be yawning every single morning. Not that I don't get enough sleep, I believe it's because my body is kinda not awake? Oh, whatever. At least I am doing good for my own body. You should, too :)

Emotion wise, I have been in a rollercoaster of emotions since the beginning of the year. For those who are close to me, they will know what I am talking about. But one thing for sure, this year, I feel like I am easy to get angry at certain things. This is bad, seriously. It's like I am running out of patience; especially to students. Never in my history of teaching I would bring a cane into class, but man, this time I did, in that one particular class. I have tried giving my attention and love but no, it didn't work out. So, I brought a cane. And it worked out. But I shouldn't misuse it, I feel. Now, I am figuring how should I treat them and make them love learning with me just because they want to learn, not because they are scared of me. Please tell me how if you happen to know. Don't say I need to give them more sweets because they need to learn to love learning not for the sake of the sweets. And plus, the economy is bad now. I need to save money.

And for dear you, I hope your days are good despite the lack of interaction between us. I might not show you what your presence means to me, but I do miss you at times. I don't want to be clingy by keep sending texts whatsoever (because I myself feel suffocated if people keep sending messages) but I pray for both your well-being and for your bright future. One day, God willing, I hope to see you. With that being said, I do look forward to know what you are up to every day. Meanwhile, take a good care of yourself. Eat properly. 

..................

This is my girl crush (with her boyfriend at the back). 

She's one of the reasons why I am trying to incorporate good habits in my life (ahha over).

Arghhhh how can you be so cute and gorgeous at the same time? 

.....................

"Trust yourself. You've survived a lot, and you'll survive whatever is coming."

: 5th March 2016.

: 11.40 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I was so happy knowing that all my Physics students passed their paper.

Even so, half of my English students failed. I just don't know what to say.

Reconstructing thoughts.

Where are you? Do you know my heart? [Hello Goodbye, Hyorin]

"We are nothing but a paradox;

both our thoughts and actions contradict most of the times."

..................

1. I was supposed to start my journey around 2.30 p.m, however, I overslept. I woke up around 2 p.m.
2. Throughout the journey to Kota Bharu, it was raining.
3. I used the second road and it was a good decision. 
4. I forgot how to go to Tesco. I decided to follow a bus and reached Tesco in no time. Alhamdulillah.
5. There were a lot of cars near Tesco. Thank God I managed to get a parking lot.
6. My dear friend and I bought a pair of baju kurung each. It was definitely affordable and cute; worth both our time and money.
7. We watched a horror (?) drama series on TV. I ended up watching videos of a cute namja before sleep. 
8. The breakfast was so limited. We had to eat another meal in KB Mall.
9. She bought two cute minion cups as the wedding gift for the groom and bride.
10. The traffic jam was so bad. So did my mood. In fact, my mood was worse than the traffic jam.
11. The road was so narrow. I felt suffocated. 
12. The groom was happy to see my dear friend; his old classmate. They talked of old times for such a brief moment. Such interaction melted my anger away.
13. We rushed to the bus station. Thank God I still remember the way.
14. We managed to arrive there in the nick of time. 
15. I had to go through the same traffic jam, alone. 
16. Listening to old songs made me think a lot.
17. Reached around 5 p.m. and the first thing I did was to check the food in the fridge.
18. I cooked chicken soup for the soul. Eh, chicken soup only.
19. I continued to watch Episode 13 of You Who Came from the Star. Kim Soo Hyun was such a complicated human being, opps, my bad. A complicated alien.
20. I had to be brutally, and bluntly honest.
21. I called my dearest friend just to hear her voice. May Allah bless you, dear beautiful soul.
22. Now I have to sort out my thoughts by writing everything down.

.....................

"If you don't have good intentions, please just leave me alone.

I'm tired."

....................

Somebody asked me yesterday if I'm looking for love, 

I said no, I'm looking for happiness....

but I want love to find me.

: 24th January 2016.

: 12.45 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I want to stop thinking about this type of thing.

"So...what do we do now?"

You are my destiny [Lyn]

"Never, in all of the seventy billion humans who have walked this planet since the beginning of time has there been anyone exactly like you. Never, until the end of time, will there be another such as you. You have shown no knowledge or appreciation of your uniqueness. Yet, you are the rarest thing in the world."

- Og Mandino, The Greatest Miracle in World.

.........................

Last week, all schools in Kelantan had quite a long holiday from Tuesday until Saturday; thanks to Deepavali celebration and Hari Keputeraan Sultan Kelantan (sorry, I am too lazy to think of the English term for this). Usually, I would be more than ecstatic to go home and spend my days lazing around in Penang. However, this time, that was not the case.

I decided not to go home but instead, I went to Dungun. "What's with Dungun?", people around me asked. Oh well, it's not the place that made me want to go there in the first place. Rather, it's the person who is there. She is none other than my petite friend with a big heart; Miss Pencinta Kucing. 

A few days before my journey, I already googled the way to Dungun. I wanted to use LPT (East Coast Highway) so that the journey will take less than 4 hours. However, the moment I mentioned that, some of the teachers told me not to use LPT as there were a lot of ghost stories about the highway. I was okay at first however, as I will be driving alone, the fact that there will be less cars along the highway and the cases where people were robbed that they had told me were making my heart a bit restless. It's not that I am scared of ghosts in particular, but rather, I am quite worried if I will be targeted by 'road robbers' once they notice me--a girl, driving alone. Seriously, as the day getting nearer, my heart was not at peace. I felt like I wanted to cancel the whole trip and go back to Penang instead.

However, the night before the journey, a thought came across my mind. The Gerik road that I always use to go back to Penang is similar to LPT in the sense that there are less cars and there are also a lot of stories (ghosts and robbers alike). Instead of fearing the unknowns, I better pray hard to Allah so that He will protect me from any harm. Even so, I need to make sure that there will be no strange looking car following me. So, with that in mind, I pursued my initial plan. Dungun, here I come!

I thank Allah for giving me the courage and for protecting me from any harm because...coming to Dungun was one of the best decisions I have ever taken this year. I got to spend my days talking about all sorts of things with my dear friend. I got to taste her cooking (the last time I tasted her sardine was when we were in the U.K). I got to sleep on a big comfy bed. I got to watch TV (I have no TV in Jeli, I only depend on my laptop and hard disk). I got to see her school (it was a big school). I got to watch The Spectre in cinema (Kelantan is yet to have a cinema). I got to eat a lot of things in Dungun (we ate quite a big portion for just two of us; girls). I got to transfer more drama series and movies from her collection to my hard disk (I have Full House and Sungkyunkwan Scandal, yeaaaaaaahhhh). 

And the moment I was back in Jeli, I felt a tinge of sadness and loneliness. Now I kinda understand the feeling of leaving someone you care and love. I salute those who are in LDR (long distance relationship). I used to be so cold years ago but I guess I have such a soft heart now. Should I put the blame on my old age?

.........................

"You may forget someone you laughed with,

but you will never forget someone you cried with."

[Gibran Khalil Gibran]

: 15th November 2015.

: 3.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I managed to get her to watch 'I Hear Your Voice'

and now, she is falling in love with Park Soo Ha too.

See, I told ya. Lee Jong Suk has put a spell on us.

Start living your life; in gratitude.

 You've got the healing that I want

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my personal development. I know it is super late for me to start reshuffling my schedule and daily routine as I am already a quarter-decade old (26 years old to be exact), but as people often say, it is never too late to change for the better. However, the question is; have I really changed for the better and if not; how?

When I looked back at my old random childish posts in this blog, as well as my written ramblings on other mediums (books, tumblr, twitters etc), I found that instead of improving a lot, my personal development is rather constant and at times, my progress kind of deteriorating rather than improving. This kind of hit me hard these few days. And while my housemate was away for her camp in Pahang, I did some sort of reflection on myself.

I have always complained about school and students, about my (lack of) love life, about my mundane routine (watching random videos and do nothing at home), about this dull, boring place I am stuck in and about myself physically (how unattractive I find myself is). All I ever did all the while was complaining and constantly looking at the negative side of things. 

And one day, as I stared at my ceiling, listening to the roar of thunders outside-- I realised how ungrateful I was (and still am). I forgot to look at how lucky I am to be able to rent a decent house in this dull place, how lucky I am for having my good friend that I have known since my first year of foundation in college as my housemate, how lucky I am to be able to own a car, how lucky I am to have a friend who never fails to call me at least once a fortnight, how lucky I am to have the strength and courage to drive miles and miles on the road, how lucky I am to have siblings who never fail to show their support and love (in their own ways) and the list goes on and on. And when one of my friends wrote me an unexpected comment, I realised how distorted my perspective has always been all this while. I failed to see all the good things that happened in my life as my eyes tend to see other people's blessings rather than my own blessings. 

So today, as I am waiting for my housemate to come home, I am writing this to remind myself that even though there are things that will put my spirit down being here in Jeli, there are other things to be grateful for. Just look around you, dear. See that photos on the wall? The books in your collection? The movies and drama series in your laptop? The housemate across your room? The trees outside the window? The food in your fridge? The bed in your room? Be grateful. You have more than you think you have.

....................

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind."

-Anonymous.

Recently, one of my friends commented on how glowing my face is. I doubted that statement honestly, but  I guess the above product has something to do with it. My face is kind of dry and using too much cream makes my face feel sticky and I dislike that kind of feeling. I have tried a few products and still, my face felt not moisturized enough. However, last month, as I randomly check updates on instagram, one of the people that I follow shared this product. And tadaaaaaa...I ended up buying this product. I have been using it ever since and I feel like my skin has never felt as moisturized as it is now. I don't know, but I've been loving it ever since. I hope it will continue making my skin feel moisturized. I am getting older day by day, so I really feel like I should start taking care of my skin seriously now. You should, too! 

: 31st August 2015.

: 05.35 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I have a huge girl crush on one Youtube blogger.

She makes me thinking about how should I live my life to the fullest;

especially by pampering and taking care of myself, 

by reading at least a book or listening to a new song,

by trying and learning new things every single day

and by savoring each moment that is given to me.
It's all about carpe diem and being grateful, isn't it?

That red shawl.

One last time

اللهم إنك عفو تحب العفو فاعفُ عني

O Allah, You are Most Forgiving, and You love forgiveness; so forgive me.

..................

........................

Today I was feeling a lot more tired compared to the previous days. It's not an uncommon thing to fast and teach for hours in the school, however, both my body and soul felt sooooooo lethargic and by the end of the meeting (yes, we had a meeting to discuss the headcount for SPM subjects), my mind started to tell me not to go for Terawikh prayer and have a rest instead.

I almost didn't go until at the very last minute, a part of my heart urged me to go rather than wasting time in my room. Plus, I can't guarantee that this is not the last Ramadhan for me. So, it's better for me to work hard in this blessed month. Besides, the strength that I own is not from me, it's from Him. 

And true to that, by the time I was in the mosque, sitting at the first row (I thought I was late), my body didn't feel as bad as it was before. May Allah grant me strength for more days to come. 

: 23th June 2015.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I conducted a ULBS (speaking activity) with my students.

They were asked to share their favourite thing.

And when one of the students shared that the reason why

she loved the shawl that she showed in front, I was out of words.

Her mother whom she only gets to see twice a year gave it to her.

Her parents were divorced and yet, she said how she wished they will be together one day.

My heart keeps asking me to go back home.

Jauh terbawa lukisan hatimu

Someone once asked, "If you could take it all back, would you?"
At the time I didn't know. Now I do. I wouldn't take that terrible experience back for anything in the world. Too much light has come out of my darkness." 

[Susannah Cahalan, Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness]

..........................

Today marks the fifth year I am spending my Ramadhan here in Kelantan. Not five years in a row since I was here for the first two years of foundation, another year after I got back (for good) from the UK and now, it is already past one year I am here as a novice teacher. Well, to put it specifically, I have spent my Ramadhan in this state for 5 times now. And each time Ramadhan arrives, the feelings are always different. 

The first two years in foundation, I was surrounded with a lot of friends. At that time, we stayed in the hostel. Most of our rooms were on the second floor and since we were young and had no proper transportation of our own, we borrowed any motorcycle from any guy friend who was willing to lend us his motorcycle. We had our own rotation in buying food for iftor (breaking fast). On each day, two of us would take everyone's order for iftor (mind you, we took order for 12 people, okay) and we would buy the food from the nearest Ramadhan bazaar. Oh man, I still can remember vividly how at the end of the buying process, our hands were literally full of plastic bags containing both food and drinks. There's this one time when one of our friends ordered two drinks just for her. Oh man, two drinks! That exceeded our hands' quota and my friend complained how heavy it was to carry one more drink. We already had 12 drinks to buy and one more drink was too much. We did complain between both of us and maaaannn, there goes our good deeds. We shouldn't complain! That is what fasting is for; to be patient. Oh, those days. 

On the final year of our course (after we got back from the U.K), we spent our Ramadhan in college hostel. However, this time things were different. All of us were scattered across the blocks and in my block, there were only 5 of us. Since some of us at that time had already brought their own car, there was no more rotation unlike our foundation years. On random days, we would go in different cars and had our iftor at the restaurants outside our college. Still, we had fun together. No more heavy drinks and food! And we got to perform our Terawikh prayer in air-conditioned mosques all over Pengkalan Chepa. He he he. Oh, those days.

And now, here I am, on the second time I spent my Ramadhan in Jeli after being posted April last year. Last year, my housemate and I did go out to the bazaar at the city centre (city la sangat kan ahahaha) to buy food for iftor. However, this year, we decided to cook instead (which is cheaper and no matter how bad my cooking is, my taste buds can still accept it). Until today, I have spent my iftor in front of the laptop; watching a Malay drama instead (so that I can eat while watching- I don't have to read the subtiltles yeaaahhh). As for Terawikh prayer, this time I went to the mosque on my own. I got to spend some time alone in the car; reflecting on my day as I drive to the mosque, however, spending some time alone makes me thinking and reminiscing those old hectic (tiring) days with my beloved friends. And when I sat in the mosque waiting for the azan, I felt so alone amidst the crowd. Oh, how I miss those days.

I wonder if my friends miss it as I do now.

...........................

"Sabar juga kena develop melalui dua angle. Kadang kadang mungkin kita cepat membina kesabaran terhadap kesusahan, tapi kita tidak membina kesabaran terhadap kesenangan."

[Ustaz Hasrizal Abdul Jamil, Ibrah Surah Yusuf]

: 22nd June 2015.

: 7.25 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am waiting for my chicken soup to be fully cooked now.

Does the word 'appreciate' no longer exist?

Maria Mercedes OST [Thalia]

I wish my students won't end up saying this.

Because if they do, to regret is just too late.

..........................

One of my friends who sometimes spends her time reading my blog commented how my blog these days revolved around school and students. I admit it is true. Why? Because my days are filled with school stuffs and students. I guess I really need to break away from this environment some time later, if not I will not be able to learn new things and look at world in other perspective.

But first let me write something about Teacher's Day. Ahha.

I don't know when did this specific day for teachers is created, but since I was young, 16th May is Teacher's Day. The day when teachers are celebrated and are given a lot of presents as tokens of appreciation.

Teacher's Day is the same like Mother's Day and other days that are specifically allocated for certain celebration. Most of those days are intended for us to specially celebrate certain people. When it is Mother's Day, we will celebrate our mothers and as a teacher, when it is Teacher's Day, my students will celebrate this day by wishing me "Happy Teacher's Day" and giving me presents.

Honestly, I am so blessed for having a special day for the job I have now. Just because I am a teacher, I get to be celebrated every 16th May. My comrades who are also teachers, were celebrated and received a lot of presents too. However, in my case, even though I was celebrated as well, the amount of presents that I received was less than five. People said, "Don't worry. It's the thought that counts." Yeah, I agree, it is the thought that counts and as long as the students respect and appreciate you it is more than enough. Unfortunately, the students in my school lack such thoughts or in other word; appreciation.

Out of the 140 students I am teaching currently, only 15 students wished me and only 5 gave me presents. I am fine with that because I didn't expect much (as I am not close with students unlike other teachers), but when I saw how they didn't wish other teachers who have been teaching them for years, I was quite disappointed in them. I noticed that these students of mine do not know how to appreciate a person; what more their teachers. It seems like these students find that oh well, since it is Teacher's Day, we will cheer for the teachers when they sing and recite poems but after this day, we can treat you however we like. Because for them, only on Teacher's Day they need to cherish the teachers but not on other days.

This is the problem with having a specific day for celebrating a specific group of people. 

You see, when most youngsters nowadays are taught that a specific day is allocated to celebrate certain people, they will end up appreciating people only on that day. They won't realise that appreciating doesn't mean to throw a big party or give presents on that particular day, appreciating means to value and treat people with respect and love on every single day in their lives.

Let's learn to truly appreciate each other.

And let's start by appreciating our mother.

: 20th May 2015.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am learning how to appreciate my students' effort in learning.

Even if they didn't do well and failed in my paper,

I will have to learn to cherish and appreciate their effort in trying.

Attention drivers.

Love Me Like You Do [Ellie Goulding]

While I was driving to and fro from Jeli to Penang (for quite a number of times), I have been observing the way Malaysian drivers behave on the road. 

If you happen to pass by or use the road from Kelantan to northern counterparts, you will know that you must pass the Gerik road through East Coast Highway. There is no other way except to use the Gerik road. Gerik road is not like the North-South Highway which consists of straight road with two or three lanes. Gerik road is winding, hilly and most of the times consists of one lane. There are a few two-lane areas somewhere up there, but not throughout the journey. Therefore, if you happen to follow behind a big lorry with timber or chicken in small cages, you have to patiently drive behind them until you encounter a two-lane area to overtake the lorry. 

As I have been using the Gerik road more than twenty times now, it is safe to say that I can estimate where is the two-lane area so that I can prepare myself (and my car) to overtake those big lorries, buses and slow cars. Same goes to other drivers who have been using the road as well. However, this makes some of them braver and even more reckless in overtaking other vehicles. Throughout my journey, I noticed that these drivers not only overtake other vehicles along the two-lane areas, but they also overtake at sharp corners on the hilly Gerik road. I mentally applauded them for their courage and their car's powerful engine, but at the same time, I also cursed them for putting other drivers' lives at risk. 

There was once, a big lorry which almost made me and other three drivers' lives in danger. At that time, we were patiently following a slow Kenari in a one-lane road. The opposite lane, however, consists of two-lane road. The Kenari was soooooooo freaking slow and as we were approaching a sharp corner along the Gerik road, a big red lorry behind me decided to overtake both my car and that Kenari. The lorry driver, recklessly, decided to overtake us by using the opposite lane. If there was only one car at the opposite lane, it would be totally fine as the car will be able to use one lane (the inside lane instead of the outer lane). 

At the opposite lane, we could see a silver Proton Waja approaching us. Since the big lorry was overtaking me, the Proton Waja managed to maneuver and use the inside lane (since there are two lanes at their side). At that moment I thought, "Okay. Goodbye you impatient lorry driver. Get away from my sight". However, much to our surprise, as the lorry was overtaking me and the Kenari, out of a sudden, a fast Hilux from the opposite lane appeared and I almost screamed my lungs out. I could see that the Proton Waja was shocked as well and since the lorry was big and was taking his time to overtake the Kenari, the Proton Waja had to dangerously maneuver to the grass area outside of the road. The Hilux almost hit both the lorry and the Proton Waja, however, the Hilux driver managed to hit the brake pedal and maneuvered to the inside lane. The sound of the brake from both Proton Waja and Hilux was so loud, as loud as my own heartbeat. My hands were trembling and I almost had a heart attack. Stupid lorry! You almost kill all of us there! Urgh.

That was only one occasion where my life and other drivers' lives were at risk. Actually, there were more, thanks to the bad habit that certain drivers have in overtaking vehicles. I admit I sometimes overtake other cars too, but only when I am on the two-lane road and when I almost sure that the car at the opposite lane is far enough for me to safely overtake. And yes, most of the times I use signal to in a way telling that; "Hello slow driver, I am overtaking you now. Make way, please". 

So, please, for drivers out there, please please be considerate on the road. Don't turn the road into the valley of death. Instead, let the road be the road to home; where our loved ones waiting.

.........................

source: google image

Well, there. One of the accidents that happened along Gerik to Jeli road. 

: 8th May 2015.

: 05.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: A few days ago, a tragic accident happened because of reckless Myvi drivers

which took away the parent and their small kid,
leaving other two young kids on their own. 

What more tragic after that is that, other Malaysians who are 'clever' enough

to take the revenge out to other innocent Myvi drivers.

This cycle of revenge will never end.
Don't be stupid enough to put the blame on others.

Instead, just bring the responsible drivers to justice. 

How do you pick up the threads of an old life?

May It Be [Enya]

How do you go on 

when in your heart

you begin to understand

there is no going back?

[Frodo Baggins, The Return of The King]

......................

Today, as stated in the extra class timetable, I have an extra class with my Form 3 students. However, I was not in the mood, so I decided to call it off. To make things more interesting, one of the teachers heard that I cancelled the class and oh well, you can guess the rest of the story.

I know it was my fault for cancelling the extra class without a valid reason, but deep in my heart I felt so dissatisfied as there were also other teachers who cancelled their classes. And to teach, you have to be motivated too, if not there is no point in wasting your students' time being in a lesson with a demotivated teacher. So, that is why I cancelled it. 

Oh well, I guess by being a teacher, it also means you are a robot. The word 'rest' does not exist in a teacher's life these days. Looking at this, I just want to say good luck to dear future teachers. Don't choose teaching profession just because you need to find a safe and easy course after you realise you can't excel in other courses. Teaching is not for people who seek an easy job, teaching is for people with big heart and tough spirit.

.......................

Out of the movies I had, I decided to watch the Lord of the Ring trilogy just because I need to watch some other people going through awfully bad things so that I won't feel like I am a miserable human being. At least there are hobbits who suffer a lot more than I am now. Ahha.

: 27th April 2015.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Tomorrow we will have a rehearsal for marching.

On the next day, we will have our Sports Day. And the day after that too.

Please please let the remaining days as least exhausting as they can be.

the epitome of a puzzling confusion: love.

Call me baby [EXO-K]

 Aishhh, these dorky boys. 

Watching them in that mini drama series is so entertaining.

Only we fans know why is it so entertaining.
And no, I'm not complaining. Ahhahahhaha.

....................

I have passed the time where I should be spazzing about artists (especially Kpop artists), however, I just can't move on. Maybe it's because of the stressful life I am having right now, but hey, that doesn't justify my silly crush (it's definitely not an obsession, I can guarantee you). However, in this group alone, I have three biases. I can't choose just one bias, I'm so sorry, dear. Oh why, why are you guys torturing me with a difficult choice to make? Waeeeee? 

Well, talking about crushes and biases and errrr....love (?), I admit I am starting to be quite anxious of my loveless life right now. I have tried my best to stay away from this topic, however, until when am I going to avoid this. Friends are getting married, acquaintances start to find love, teachers are asking and people around me are speculating and guessing. Oh gosh, anything but this topic please. One of my friends started to worry for me too, and worrying about me doesn't help at all. It adds to the anxiety that I have already had since the beginning of the year. Hey, you can't blame me. This society I am living with has this tendency to label the women who aren't married at my age as 'losers'. Okay 'losers' sounds so harsh but hey, that is exactly what they make me feel if I am not to be married some time soon. Urgh, do you guys think that finding a partner is like buying clothes at the mall? If it's that easy, I would probably publicising my marriage in this blog instead of ranting and telling you guys about my biases. Ahha. 

After some thoughts and debates with myself of course, I am torn between: first; wanting to find my love as soon as possible without really thinking much or second; taking my own sweet time preparing myself and finding someone who can accept me for who I am. However, after I watched a movie of a psychopath wife in 'Gone Girl', oh man, I am thinking twice now about marriage and who am I going to be in the ship called 'marriage'. I can't welcome just anybody aboard, right? I can't afford myself to be in a marriage which doesn't make me feel safe. Oh dear Lord, please help me in my affairs.

Okay, moving on from this topic, this week is as busy as it will ever be. That's because next week is Sports Day yeaaaaaahhhhh. Can't wait till it is over. Even so, as Guru Ketua Rumah Sukan, it is both tiring and exciting to wait for the red letter day. I love to watch sports, so let me cherish my athlete boys and girls in a few days to come. You kids better grab a gold medal or two (if possible, more than just two please ahhahaha yeah I am being demanding). Oh, we also have to march and prepare the mascot and all. Wohoooo. Can't wait.

Other than that, this week is also Maths and Science Week, so as a Physics teacher, I am involved as well. Thank God the teachers were understanding enough to notice that an English teacher couldn't possibly contribute much in Science projects due to her lack of knowledge and experience, so I was assigned as the person in charge of programme book. Thank God, all praise to the Almighty. 

Apart from that, as the assistant for the teacher in charge for the library, this week, we will have 10 minutes reading session. So, I will be in charge of that session which will be held on this Thursday. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. Gimme more work come on ahahhahahahahahhahahahahha *laugh crazily*

....................

"What is this world but a dream that a sleeper 
sees his delights in it for a few moments, 

and then wakes up to face reality."

-Hasan Al Basri

: 21st April 2015.

: 9.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I seriously can't wait for the upcoming Labour Day holiday.

I need it. Especially after all the labour work I did for the past few months.

I need it, guys. Come on come on give it to me what I deserve. Come on.

Eh, when did I drive past the Titiwangsa R&R?

Don't you ever wish you were someone else

Without a doubt, this month is annoyingly tiring. I was so tired with a lot of things. You name it; being an MC for almost every event, being the Head Teacher of Sports House, being the teacher in charge for Anti-Dadah thing and being a patient teacher to a bunch of rude and lazy students.

I know deep in my heart that I can't change the situation; rather what I can change is my own attitude and thoughts to every single thing that is happening to me. However, I am no angel. I am merely human. And being so, I bleed.

It was Thursday when my heart couldn't take it anymore and the dam in my eyes decided to break free. I was in the last class of Form 5 and it was two last periods of the day. Thursday has always been the most tiring day out of five days schooling and the fact that last Thursday was the last day to complete the ULBS, it was even more exhausting than it has been before. I had ten more students who haven't completed the ULBS, hence I decided to just finish it off that day no matter what happened. 

After the students greeted and sat down, I quickly grabbed the ULBS file and took a seat at the end of the class. I then started my lesson by asking for a volunteer to speak in front. They all knew that they must stand in front to give a speech on stress; however, they decided to put a lot of pressure on me as they were dilly-dallying and making fun of the situation. 

For God's sake, I was your teacher and I was being so extremely patient with all your ruckus and your stubbornness and your nonsense, so please, cut it out and speak something. The previous 12 students were able to stand in front and do their ULBS despite them not being ready. I was not a lion, I will never be one. I won't eat you guys and I won't laugh if you guys pronounce things weirdly. All I need is for you guys to stand and try to speak something in English. Urghhh. I mentally cursed them as minutes passed by.

I was so frustrated. Time was running out. More students were not paying attention and more and more students decided not to stand in front and talk, no matter how I persuaded them. They kept delaying and even when they stood in front of the class, they were joking around and even made fun of what I asked them. I was holding my anger and the more I held it, the more I felt hurt. 

I managed to force them to stand in front and even when they decided not to give the speech, I tried to ask anything about them in English and I tried my best to get them to answer in English. It was energy and mentally draining. However, the last three students asked to just give their speech to me alone at the teacher's desk. At that moment, my mood was off and without saying anything, I just sat at the teacher's desk. They came by the desk and started reading their speech (yeah, they brought the script with them). I tried to keep my anger at bay and the more I did so, the more I struggled with both flame of anger and waves of negative emotions. And so, when the last student managed to say something in English, I couldn't take it anymore. By then, my tears started to roll on my cheek. I couldn't stop it and I didn't plan to stop it at all. So at the teacher's desk, I cried unprofessionally due to the amount of anger and hurt I had been restraining since the first day I entered the class.

Thinking that there was no way I would be able to continue the lesson, I stormed out of the class. I know that it was so unprofessional for me to do so, but I just don't care. Why? You students think I am an angel? No, open your eyes. I am a human like you. If you bleed, I bleed too. I have feelings, in case you forgot! Urgh.

The students were stunned and two students ran after me. When one of the students asked, "Teacher, are you okay?", I mentally cursed, "Isn't it obvious that I am not okay?". However, I brushed him off and ran to the stairs at the end of the block. They followed me and I had to stop before other teachers saw this dramatic and unprofessional scene. The boys kept asking me, "Teacher, why? What have we done?". And by that, I literally answered their question with tears. Oh, it was soooo dramatic, I should have opted for acting instead. I would be able to get an Oscar for this scene. And after telling them that they were being rude and inconsiderate to me, I shooed them. They didn't budged. But when I told them that I need space, one of them understood and left me there sobbing and crying like a child.

Later after school, I drove back home. When I said home, I mean Penang; the place where my heart is, my family and my sanctuary.

We all need a breakaway. Alhamdulillah, thank God I decided to go home that weekend. I managed to watch Fast and Furious 7 and I got the chance to eat my favourite Assam Pedas cooked by my beloved Mom. I never felt so loved.

.........................

Some ups and downs. Some psycho depressing days. Some unstable moods. Some annoying people. That's life. Make du'a for a strong Iman.

:13th April 2015.

: 7.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I was so caught up with my thoughts 

that I didn't realise I had already drove past the Titiwangsa R&R.

It was when I saw Banding Lake that I realised I was nearing home.

Most people are the victims of their own thoughts.

Standing still, Jenny, you've got me on my knees

..................

We had PTA meeting today in the school. Since I was the Master of Ceremony (MC), I had to withstand the boredom, the sleepiness and the evening heat that nearly making me punch someone's face. I know PTA meeting is a good medium for teachers and parents to meet and discuss about their kids and school in overall, but what I don't like is; waiting for the VIPs to come and when they come, we have to wait and listen for a word or two (yeahh right) by them. I don't mind if it's related to the development of the school and such, however, most of the times, they don't really go into that topic only. So it's like wasting time; waiting for them to come and waiting for them to finish talking. From 2.30 p.m until 6.15 p.m. Urghhhh wasting my time. So much waste. What a waste. Oh.

...................

What I like about Episode 7 of It's Okay That's Love drama series is when Hae Soo didn't even say a word when Jae Yeol said, "I'm fine. He didn't beat me up too much." Instead, she hugged him and patted his shoulder. And that's when his cool demeanor fell apart. 

I think that the moment we try to be strong is the moment we are at our weakest.

: 5th April 2015.

: 10.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: This drama is not for those who prefer sweet romantic type of drama.

This drama is a bit like the movie 'A Beautiful Mind.'

You have to sit through episodes of a perfect looking hero 

with a dark and disturbing past life (and mental health too)

and a strong heroin with the fear of loving someone.

Spend at least 5 minutes to call your parents or grandparents.

Best Luck [Chen EXO] 

"Aimer, c’est prendre soin de la solitude de l’autre sans jamais la combler, 

ni même la connaître."

"To love is to take care of the solitude of the other without filling it, 

and without even knowing it."

...................

Yesterday, my housemate and I were so caught up with Headcount thingy that we didn't even manage to breathe the fresh air outside of the Headcount room at school.  Urgh, what an exaggeration but it's the truth. From morning until 2  o'clock we locked ourselves in the room; cracking our brain to get through the system. So that's why today, I spent my whole day resting and doing nothing (I did the laundry, though). We need rest, okay.

Oh, what is Headcount? From my understanding, Headcount is a system where teachers can at least predict how many As, Bs, Cs, Ds and Es that the SPM candidates will achieve by looking at their academic progress from the marks that they get for each test. Teachers can also predict which students will excel in the examination by referring to the TOV (take off value) of each student. From this system, teachers will also be able to know what marks should students get for each test so that they can achieve their ETR (estimated target result) in SPM. By doing this, we can predict what is the GPS (Gred Purata Sekolah/ Average School Grade) for the year and teachers in respective subject can at least know which students to focus on in order to get them achieve the ETR. Well, in other words, it is just like a progress chart for the students' academic achievement.

At lot of work, though, in making sure this Headcount thingy complete. So, as my housemate, Miss Penggemar Sushi is the assistant secretary for Examination committee and me as the assistant for Headcount committee (I think so, I actually don't really know what is my post that made me doing this Headcount thingy), we have to do the Headcount for the school.

I am actually quite new to the system, so I had to watch from the side how my housemate went about with the system. Wow, a lot of statistics to be dealt and oh man, my eyes were almost blind looking at the screen for too long. Almost. You know how I am not a fan of numbers, so doing this Headcount thingy made my head spun and God knows how I wished for this dreadful process to end. People said 'two is better than one' and I couldn't agree more. Thank God for my gorgeous (hopefully she won't read how I praise her here ahhahaha) housemate's guidance and a bit of manipulating here and there, we managed to get this thing off the shoulder.

I know that complaining won't make any work done but let me just write this to let my heart and brain at peace. Please rest, dear troubled heart and brain. 

..................

“Tonight, I also suggest you to (instead of others) ask yourself, 

‘Are you really okay?’ 

Check on yourself like this 

and do a warm ‘good night’ to yourself.” 

-Jang Jae Yeol [ It's Okay That's Love]

: 4th April 2015.

: 12.10 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I watched 'Interstellar' today. Wow.
I also bought some things online. Nooooooo.

The longest day in school is yet to come...

Cross My Mind [Twin Forks]

From time to time

You cross my mind

Good company is hard to find

From time to time

You cross my mind

So stay with me

Just for the night

....................

Today marks the first anniversary of my teaching life. Not married life, it's teaching life. Yeah, see the difference. I am such a passionate teacher. Ahha.

Initially I have five periods of teaching on Wednesday. If I were to include one hour being in the Koperasi, then I think I have approximately 6 and a half periods of being with students on every Wednesday. However, since today is the first anniversary, my school decided to give me one more period for relief class. Wow. It's like they can sense my enthusiasm for the first anniversary, they generously gave me one more extra period. So in total, I had 7 and a half periods today. Waittttt. That's not all. All of the sudden, when I was rushing to eat after the relief class (I haven't eaten since morning until 9.30 a.m), somebody told me a parent wanted to see me. Wow, what an exciting combination for the first anniversary.

Later today, as I were about to catch my breath, I suddenly had the urge to look at my handphone. It was around 1.10 p.m when I read a text from a teacher saying that I need to key in the students' TOV (take off value) and ETR (estimated targeted result) before 2 p.m. Great. As I were about to get off my comfy chair, PFFFTTT, there was no electricity. Yeaaaaaahhhhhhh. Surprise surpriseeeeee.

Thinking that nothing I could do and why not make myself famous during the meeting later for not completing the marks, I quickly headed for the co-curricular activity. And yeah, my name came up during the meeting, but well, today is my first anniversary, so yeah, why bother?

Apart from that, my name also came up for not updating the students' attendance for three days in a row. Hey, you guys can't blame me, there was no internet connection for three days in a row at school, so how do you expect me to update that online? Oh well, I have become famous for a wrong reason now, but yeah, why bother?

After the looooooong meeting, I reached home around 6 p.m today and if you wonder how I celebrate my first anniversary of teaching, here is the list of things I do to celebrate this historical day:

1. By completing the TOV and ETR. 
2. By listening to random songs in my playlist.
3. By jumping with joy (figuratively) upon knowing that the site (you and I know which site I am talking about) is publicly opened at last he he he he he he.
4. By writing this looooooong post.
5. By waiting for me to finish this post so that I can watch a new drama entitled 'It's Okay, That's Love.' I love the OST in the drama, soooo refreshing!

..........................

The thing I loved the most - and still love the most about teaching- 

is that you can connect with an individual or a group, 

and see that individual or group exceed their limits.

Mike Krzyzewski

: 1st April 2015.

: 9.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today also marks the first day of the GST implementation in Malaysia.

This month is going to be soooooo eventful.

Just wait and see.