Yes I am back!

Students chattering

Hello, there. It has been quite some time right? My goodness, how I long to write something here and alhamdulillah finally I am here. I know I have been making promises to at least write something here but man, life has been sooooo hectic. A blessed type of hectic.

For those who might be wondering what I was up to the last two years (almost two years now right?), alhamdulillah I was busy carrying the little one inside me (what a wonderful 9 months of journey that was) and gave birth to my lovely son on March 2019 last year. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I never thought that a few days before our first anniversary, I would become a mother. Alhamdulillah, but there was not celebration for our first anniversary wuuwuuuu. I was still at the hospital on our first anniversary fuhh the experience. Still, alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. It is not easy being a mother and wife at the same time but it is worth it. I pray that for those who are praying to get their bundle of joy will be blessed with one soon. Don't worry, God will give one when it is the right time. He knows the perfect time for that. He is the All-Knowing, so trust Him okay?

I still remember how eventful being pregnant was. It was not easy, though people saw me all smiling. I was happy of course, who would not right? I was beyond happy feeling the little one's kicks and all that but there were times when I couldn't sleep and mannn, feeling lethargic all day was such a challenge to me. I felt bloated and hungry at the same time. I missed my husband too most of the times and his T-shirts were the only comfort I had during challenging and sleepless nights. That's the perks of LDR you see. 

There were also times when my emotions got the better of me especially when I saw photos of my friends spending time with their spouses. I admit it, I felt so jealous and when the emotions got so ugly no matter how hard I tried to be happy for them and to be grateful in whatever state I was in, I had to take a few steps away from social media. I even muted their posts so that I would not compare my life with them. I also had the urge to show every piece of happiness I had each day and man, at one point I felt like why am I doing this for? This is not a competition. Life is never a competition so why was I getting so worked up seeing people posting and uploading their happiness on social media? Thank God I managed to stop myself from over sharing and over showing the fact that I was happily pregnant and expecting. I am a private type of person so I managed to keep that as a private thing as well to the point  that when I finally posted the news that I had given birth, many of my friends got the shock of their lives. Alamak macam tu pulak haha. But yeah, I am one of the people who think that there is no need to show the whole world that I am expecting as we never know what will happen during the process. Plus, it is not nice to happily announce and show that as there will be people who might feel sad as they themselves are trying hard to conceive. We never know right? See, so many things to consider. Some people might say heyy let me be, it's my social media so why bother. It's my right to post photos of my baby bump and my craving and whatnot. It's true as well, but for me, sharing once a while is okay but to share every single hour or every single day...I don't know. You just have to think for others as well. 

Phew, the pregnancy journey was a tough one I tell youuuu haha. I was so blessed for staying at my parents' house even though some of the times they did go back to Penang to look at their house there and to visit their friends. It's so fun being a retiree right? I was also blessed with less health concerns during pregnancy, however Allah is sooo fair. I was tested with a challenging post-partum period. But that's another story. During pregnancy, I didn't have weird cravings and I could just eat everything. But at times when my family was not around, that was when I was tested with negative thoughts. I felt so alone and it felt so miserable to go to all those doctor appointments alone. I also felt so tired having to go to and fro to my in-laws' on certain weekends even though I just took the bus. Carrying a big belly alone here and there made me feel like a single parent at times fuhhh the thoughts. Going through all that made me amazed with all the single mothers who have to raise their kids on their own. It's not easy. So, if you know anybody going through LDR or anybody who is just staying with their kids, please please please give them support. A little bit of understanding and encouragement especially by asking them how's their day will make their day. See, that's all I need actually during those times. And alhamdulillah I was so blessed to have a dear friend of mine who was in Dungun that time, who never failed to check up on me. Such a precious soul she is. There were some who once in a while called but she and another one who is in Pasir Gudang now, were those two who were always there to listen to my rants. God bless them. 

Hey, that was through that ugly period when I learnt that comparison is seriously the thief of joy. Why would I be unhappy seeing people's happiness when Allah has blessed me with the little bundle of joy that not everyone is blessed with. I should be grateful each day for that and alhamdulillah my husband was there to remind me of that every passing day. 

Wow, so much things happened right? I felt so much better now that I finally managed to pour this all out. There were so many things happened in between but to summarize, I have learnt a lot. I have seen the ugly emotions that were kept hidden all these while and through it all, I have seen the precious souls who were there for me. Thanks. May Allah bless you for that.

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Love yourself when you're tired

Love yourself when you're weak

Love yourself when you're confused

Love yourself when you're broken

Love yourself until you're restored.

With love,

I who selfishly need people to love me 

when I myself need to love others as much. 

I wanted to take CRK, but I couldn't.

"Whats wrong with you people, don't you have enough of your life that you HAVE TO CHECK ON other people's lives everyday ? Life is not all about you, you and you. Its about helping the poor, contribute to the society and make the world a better place to live. If you die today, aren't you ashamed to meet the God? You're full of yourselves, didn't help the orphanage, you threw litters everywhere. How dare you gonna meet Allah with that attitude?"

A slap to me. Yes, me.

..........................

People always say teachers have the most holidays than any other people. With the school holidays, I understand why people always think that we do have more holidays compared to others. However, people don't really know that teachers have a lot more going on during holidays. Oh well, not all teachers though but yes, most of the times, and most teachers always, always have something going on during holidays. Name it; camps, courses, being a warden, camps, courses again, extra classes, sports practice, extra classes, ohhh marking exam papers, marking again, key in students' data and marks, marking again and urghhhh the list goes on and on. Yes, teachers should have fun with kids, yes we should, but being kids is seriously a daunting job, my dear friends. 

Oh well, who asked you to be teachers, you might say. Yes, yes, yes. We should never complain because that is our job. But my dear friends, it is not the job that we complain, it is the extra burden that we complain. Everything must be done online. But mind you, not all schools have proper internet connection. Being in Jeli, internet connection is not that good. At days, the line will be so perfect you can even watch videos, but most of the time, the page you want to open will be loading and loading and loaaaaadiiiiingggggg zzzZzZZz.

Opps, no no no I don't want to talk about line and work and kids. I want to talk about holidays. Yes, we do have a lot of holidays but not all holidays we are free from work. In case you guys don't know this, let me tell you what if we need a few days off but it is not during school holidays? Okay, for example, you need to attend your cousin's wedding but since the journey will take some time, you need to add a few days off. My friends, for teachers to take days off for personal matters, let me tell you, it is NOT easy. 

Teachers all over Malaysia are only allowed to take 7 days for Cuti Rehat Khas (we call it CRK) throughout the year. Wait, wait. You cannot take CRK for fun. There are only a few circumstances that make you eligible to take CRK. Circumstances like death of closest family members, religious affairs, attending convocation and a few more I can't list at the moment. Even if we have these 7 days throughout the year, we teachers have to apply online and wait for the principal to validate our holidays. If he or she doesn't validate the CRK, mind you, you cannot have your days off. Alaaaaa all teachers have a lot of holidays, right? Why do you need more? My dear friends, let say your parents want to perform Hajj. You need to send them off, right? So, you need to take a few days off. But, first you have to apply. Unfortunately, you cannot use the CRK to extend your holidays. 

So, what if your parents are going off on Sunday and you are teaching in Kelantan; which means you have school on Sunday. Since you have school on Sunday, you need to extend your weekend. From two days of weekend to three days of weekend. And mind you, on Monday you have to work. But, if let say you are from Penang and you have to drive to Kelantan. Won't it take hours? So, after you send them off, you need to drive as fast as you can to Kelantan. Ha ha ha. 

This is the part that I hate the most. Principal will not allow you to take CRK. Some principals will just tell you to take MCs instead. Mind you, we have to cheat. I hate this cheating part. It makes me feel so guilty. That guilt is eating me from the inside. Yes, it is. Still eating me from the inside. I feel like my salary is not clean for cheating but I have to do that since the principal didn't allow me to take CRK. Urgh. 

From what I know, other jobs, you have like 20 days of leave (correct me if I am wrong, I am ignorant at times) throughout the year. Even if you cannot have long holidays like school holidays, you guys still can take leave in the middle of the year or whenever you want. Even though your bosses might or might not give permission, still, your holidays are more flexible. Like my mom, she can extend her holidays. She can also take time off if she is late to work due to traffic jam and all. Teachers? No, we cannot do that. Even if you are travelling from Kota Bharu (which takes around 2 hours the max to Jeli), you need to punch no later than 7.40 a.m. No time off, dear, not at all. Like my friends, they can take holidays when the flights are at their cheapest and they have the opportunity to travel far more cheaper than during school holidays. I envy them for that.

Oh well, I know you guys might have a lot more to say. I know doctors are the people who have the most difficult time to take leave or to go on holidays. I know. But please, please don't say to our face that we are soooo lucky to have school holidays. I need holidays during school days too. There are certain matters we need to do during school days. 

Plus, to travel during school holidays use up a lot of money. Hotels are expensive, flights are expensive, there will be traffic jams, there will be lots of people urgh I hate it. I don't like crowded places. So please dear, don't assume that we can just take leave like that. I have a lot of camps during the weekends now. SPM is around the corner, urgh. This time of the year is the busiest time ever. 

: 23rd September 2016.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Why did they organise Family Day on Saturday?

I need to drive to Kelantan on Saturdays because I have schools on Sundays.

Tell me how can I drive from Malacca to Kelantan on Saturday night?

Alone? How? So, how? 

The second time it happened, I was calm.

[Surah Al-Israa recitatin by Saad al-Ghamidi]

Luqman Hakeem was asked:

"Who taught you manners?"

He replied:

"Those without manners."

.........................

If you notice, regarding schools, I usually talk about students but not teachers. You might think that I have no problem with teachers since I never once wrote about them, but no, I do. 

Teachers are humans you see. I am, therefore I am full of flaws. All other teachers too. If you are in this profession, you will meet so many teachers who become the reason why other people look down on teachers. These teachers neglect their work, enter class late, talk about other things other than the subject they should teach in class, not entering their class, smoke behind the school buildings and yet chase after students who smoke, bully young new teachers and so many other negative attitude I choose not to write. However, amidst all those teachers, there are also teachers who are soooooooo dedicated to their work, cherish their students, willing to sacrifice their time to make sure students achieve good results, do the work given without passing it to other people (young new teachers), exhibit good manners and sooooooo many positive attitude I shall not be able to write here.

I admit there are times when I enter late and talk about other things too in class. However, as I have always been reminded by my dear friends and family that God sees all that I do, I try my best to portray good manners as a teacher and complete all the other work (unrelated to teaching especially like sending students to camps and whatnot) given by school. Unfortunately, problems started to occur as I was given a lot of posts in school. I have so many posts and there were times when I couldn't keep up with all the work. 

I still remember how tiring and devastating it was for me to have three exam classes last year. The first year itself, I was appointed as the secretary and vice secretary for so many departments. Oh man, I didn't even know how to write the minute for the meeting but I tried my best to do so. 

However, despite me being the greenie (new young teacher), other teachers evaluated me as if I had a few years of experience just like them. I still remember the hurt I felt when my Head of Panel told me that one teacher announced to the whole staff room that I didn't enter a Form Five class. I entered the class actually but I was ten minutes late as I was waiting for the photocopy machine. I didn't know that she announced to the whole staff room and entered the class as usual. So, when my Head of Panel told me about that, I felt so hurt as even if I did enter the class, other teachers would believe her as she announced it. And actually, that teacher did pass by my class while I was teaching so she should know that she had just made a mistake of accusing me earlier on. But she didn't apologise. She didn't even tell the other teachers that she was wrong. So tell me, how can I undo what other teachers think of me? Until now, I have this trauma of entering class slightly later, thanks to that teacher. 

That was the first incident. There were a few incidents after that in which I decided not to take heed of what other teachers said. As long as I know I did the best I could, I shall not let their words hurt me again. And, after some time, this kind of thing happened again last week. This time, another teacher told the teachers who are supposed to do the relief thingy that I had never performed my duty as the Koperasi teacher. What the heck? I did go to the Koperasi and monitor the prefects do their jobs and just because that one time I had to excuse myself as I needed to sort out the paperwork with the Principal, she told other teachers that I slacked off. This is soooo funny how people can just simply say about other people. What a smart mouth you have there. I was soooo mad to that unjust accusation I felt like screaming my lung out but instead of doing such thing, I told the teachers about what happened during that one time. I told them maybe she was mistaken and I admitted that I did not do my work perfectly. And just that, the teachers told me not to worry as they have known her for always talk bad about other teachers. So, after that incident, I promised myself that after this, no matter what happens, I will stand there in that Koperasi until my slot ends. Come what may, I will stand there and smile as if I never know about what she had said about me.

So there you go. The stories about me and other teachers. Maybe it's me who have flaws so yeah, with them being so nosy, I have learnt to be a better teacher. Thank you. Without you guys, I won't be able to correct myself. And thank you Allah for teaching me through these people.

.........................

"Fitnah and gossip dies when it hits a wise person's ears.

Be that wise person."

-Dr Anwar Fazal 

: 26th August 2016.

: 7.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am blessed to have such good friends around me.

Thank you for every kind wish and prayer.

I am officially 27 years old (and one day) todayyyyy.

Let us embrace aging beautifully haha.

The Cheshire Cat, The White Rabbit and Poor Alice.

The monsters running wild inside of me

"But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."

"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here." 

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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........................

I think I might have ran out of patience.

Please save me.

Oh Allah, please guide me.

: 7th May 2016.

: 8.22 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Why am I getting more sensitive day by day?

Where does my patience go?

Aaaaaaaaaargh.

Kau fikir kau siapa, fikir kau siapa

Can someone take me on a journey back into the past?

.....................

I seriously am stressed out. I've just realised it. I am stressed. Too many things on my plate now. Too many thoughts in my head. Too many expectations. Too many things to consider. I feel like running away from all this. I don't think I can do this anymore. Can I stop being a teacher? 

Aaaaaaa I seriously hate it when people say I was given lots of work just because I can do it. I can't, okay? I just can't. Please give to other teachers too, seriously. Arghhhhhh.

....................

I have been looking at old photos since last Saturday. That is not a wise action.

: 29th March 2016.

: 11.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I feel like screaming.

I meant good but it turned out the opposite.

Family Potret [Pink]

" I was dying to 

hear

someone say

That I didn't need

to try so hard to be perfect,

That I was enough

and it was okay."

..........................

“Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. 

But it's those hours that make us what we are.”

........................

"Sometimes the hardest people to love

are the ones who need it the most."

......................

: 27th February 2016.

: 11.25 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I went back home for the weekend.

Even if it was a short one, so many things happened.

And I was left with the feeling of disappointment and guilty.

This heat is killing me softly.

Wake up, your sleeping heart [The Vamps]

"I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. 

They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be."

.....................

These days, the heat was too much to bear. I had to drink more than before (which is actually a good thing), I had to shower more than twice a day (oh man, I am not fond of bathing just because I am too lazy to do so), I had to keep my windows open even at night and now, my brain...my brain is on the verge of exploding with the fire of wrath (thank you dear students) and overthinking.

"In every sorrow, seek happiness."

Indeed, I am trying to live my life with the above quote. Still, trying is a never-ending battle in which both my emotions and my physical strength will have to participate. Oh, whatever. I don't even know what I am writing. 

I just finished watching 'The Heirs'. Oh please, don't judge me. I don't find that drama is that interesting because let me tell you, the story is so cliche. You know families of chaebol fighting over companies, evil parents who happen to be the presidents of the companies, rich kids fighting for power in school and of course, a love story between a chaebol and an ordinary girl who happen to have a lot of part-time jobs (and yet she has the time to date a chaebol ahhahaha this is the power of drama, people, it's dramaaaa). However, I still watched it and I find myself falling for two dark characters in that drama. Oh well, when I fall for such characters, of course, in no time, I have googled for that pairing. So, I have another pairing now and great stories with them in it are already bookmarked by me. It's time to read now, peeps. He he he he.

For those who don't understand what I have just written, don't worry, it is not that important. I just had to write it down; for me in particular. I have so much things in my mind now so I have to let certain things out so I can breathe and think properly.

Have I ever told you that since early December, one of my relatives has been urging me to get married? Oh, don't be shocked. I don't have any candidate at the moment, so yeah, my marriage might not be that soon. The thing is, this relative of mine is so persistent. Every single day (okay I exaggerated but well almost every day), she will send me a quote on marriage and marriage and marriage and marriage. She has never contacted me before that often, but since her son is getting engaged this March, she started to urge me. She tried to pair me up with a guy she barely knows and expected me to just accept that guy without having to get to know him personally. She even asked my grandmother to tell my mom to have me go for 'mandi bunga'. I was like, seriously? Mandi bunga? Seriously?! 

I know she is being concerned as I am still single and dating no one apparently, but this is burdening. I know, I am the eldest grandchild and since my cousin which is younger than me by a year and oh well, my cousin is a guy, people might start looking at me in different perspective now. Yeah, let me tell you what perspective; I am an old maiden which is so unattractive to have failed in dating anyone. I actually don't mind that much if people I don't personally close to think and see me that way. However, when my own relatives do that to me, I feel like it's true. I am unattractive. I am not interesting. I am dull. I am not sweet enough to make anyone fall in love with me. That is why I am having a lot of self-doubt recently. 

How can I love myself when people near me see me as an unattractive lady? A lady that no man looks at. A lady who is single at the age of 27 years old this year. Tell me, just how can I believe I am beautiful when in my relatives' eyes, I am a failure? This is seriously killing me inside. I might look like I don't care but deep down inside, every time I see myself in the mirror, I feel like am I that unattractive and plain ugly. So tell me, how would I believe you when you say guys will be flocking around me in no time because I am pretty? Tell me, please.

: 19th January 2016.

: 8.53 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I had six periods of classes

and when I tried to be positive,

that message just killed my mood. 

That message is torturing me.

Sunshine in a bag [Gorillaz]

Some days, you just have to create your own sunshine.

.................

Every time you get upset at something,

ask yourself if you were to die tomorrow,

was it worth wasting your time being angry?

.................

How I wish someone will just be by my side
and smile like that.

: 10th January 2016.

: 9.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I seriously in need to talk to someone

but I don't think they understand why.

if only I could, I would.

Better make up your mind, what do you mean [Justin Bieber]

"You are the dark ocean bottom, and I am the fast sinking anchor."

..........................

I know you are somewhere out there, somewhere far away.

.........................

Today marks the forth day of schooling days this year yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. I've survived these four days without any case of me strangling students to death or pushing them down the stairs ohhhh thank God, alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for giving me the strength and the right amount of patience I need. Well, more days to come.

Actually, I have a lot of things to say. And yet, I just can't bring myself to sit down and properly pour all the feelings I had and have here. I just can't. I just don't know where to begin.

I just don't know.

And I guess, people just don't care.

Though I hope I am wrong in this.

: 6th January 2016.

: 10.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: People keep asking me the same question and it is killing me inside.

Unless you are in my shoes, you won't understand this.

Chivalry is dead.

I was born to love you [Queen]

When you think about it, people are really absurdly unfair to teachers, or educators. The people in the society blames you for their own failure in parenting, the society blames you for the students' own failure, the students hate you for being responsible.

You are judged by being rated by students, who rate you by "How much you entertain us," not "How much we learned from you." They say "thank you" once a year, during Teachers' Day, but many do not mean it.

The adults say you are important, and pay you peanuts, and tell their kids, "If you don't study well, you'll end up being a teacher" like your job is the worst on Earth.

But you have to say you love your job or people will judge you, even though this job, which once you loved, is drying up your blood and emptying up your soul. Like a curse.

And that's why I respect every teacher. Not because I'm one of them. But teachers are basically like Batman, from Nolan's Batman movies:

"That you are not the hero who the society wants, but someone the society needs. So they'll abuse you, because you can take it. Because you're not their hero. You're a silent guardian, a protective watcher. A Real Knight."

(taken from a post which my friend shared on Facebook)

.........................

It feels tiring to be bullied by students,

but it feels terribly exhausting to be bullied by your own colleagues; 
the teachers.

: 29th October 2015.

: 10.10 p.m.
: Jeli, Kelantan.
: Just because I am capable of being the MC (Master of Ceremony),
just because I am always ready to help with the library,
just because I can teach Physics even though I am a TESL graduate,
just because I can drive for miles,
just because I can write the minutes of meeting decently,
just because I can handle the back classes,
it doesn't mean I am the only person who you should give all the work to.
I am not the only teacher in the school, though.
You should learn to see the best in other teachers too.

Everything was screaming: the sea, the wind, my heart.

Eat [Zion T]

"It's funny how a tornado never understands the damage it has caused.

Aren't we all just tornadoes?"

.........................

"I am figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I created to please you." 

[Lora Mathis, The Dust On This Poem Could Choke You]

.....................

"Dear Allah, if I lose hope today, please remind me that your plans are better than my dreams."

....................

Confidence is not "they will like me".

Confidence is "I'll be fine if they don't."

: 7th October 2015.

: 11.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Someone said something to me

and it still hurts, even until now.

"We are the people of Saturn", said Domyouji.

"Anytime you're gonna grow, you're gonna lose something. You're losing what you're hanging onto to keep safe. You're losing habits that you're comfortable with, you're losing familiarity."

-James Hillman

..................

My Jdorama feels is back, peeps. For the past three days I have been watching an old Jdorama (Japanese drama) series, no matter how busy I was (and I still am at the moment). I don't know why but I just feel like revisiting the plot of Hana Yori Dango, the Japanese version of Boys Over Flower (BOF). Of course you all know that Hana Yori Dango and its Japanese, Korean (Boys Over Flower), and Taiwanese (Meteor Garden-- ohhh Dao Ming Si!) adaptions are all based on the manga by the same name by Yoko Kamio. It became super popular and regarded as one of the classic series in most Kdrama addicts' hearts, even after all these years.  

And, as most of you would probably know by now how the Korean version of BOF has such a special place in my heart-- thanks to the second pairing that I love the most; Yi Jung and Ga Eul, ironically, I never liked the main leads of the Korean version. Sorry, Gu Jun Pyo. I just don't find you and the heroine lovable enough to put in my list of favourite pairings. 

Instead, I find myself falling in love with the main leads in Hana Yori Dango. The chemistry between Matsumoto Jun (Tsukasa Domyouji) and Inoue Mao (Makino Tsukushi) was apparent; I felt like they are a real couple, unlike the Korean version. Jun was so amazing in this drama, he's truly the perfect actor for Domyouji and oh, he is the reason I am laughing throughout this drama. His quirkiness, his language mistakes and his attitude; all those made him lovable (even though actually I never find him cute or handsome in other drama series). And for the heroine, I like this version best of Makino, she’s sweet, powerful, and stubborn at times, but she’s the one that resembles the original manga Makino the most. For me, Inoue Mao was perfect as Makino. Throughout the two seasons of this drama, we see her change a lot; in a good way. She starts off as somehow uncaring person, and ends up defending her love and her right to choose the way she lives. In comparison to the Korean version, I could see how she hated Domyouji at the beginning of the drama and ended up falling in love with Domyouji as the plot progresses. Even I, as the audience, ended up falling in love with this Makino and rooted for her and Domyouji (no matter how I actually love Oguri Shun who acted as Hanazawa Rui, the second hero in the drama). See, this is the power of love, people, the power of love! Ahhahaha.

Oh well, after this I am going to watch Hana Yori Dango movie to end this infatuation. The sooner I watch, the better. Or else, I might be spazzing over these two dorks for quite some time. I don't want that. My students are struggling for their upcoming exams.  I need to get in touch with reality as soon as possible.

: 3rd October 2015.

: 7.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I heard Matsumoto Jun and Inoue Mao have been dating for 9 years now.

If it's true, I wish them happiness.

If not, I still have them as a happy couple in Hana Yori Dango. 

That one funny dream.

Fix you [Coldplay]

"Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of

who do the things no one can imagine."

-Alan Turing, The Imitation Game

...................

"Positive thinking isn't ignoring life's problems,

it's understanding that Allah can make 

a way out for you if you sincerely try."

-Sheykh Omar

...................

Last night, I had a funny dream. It was so funny that I couldn't wipe away my grin even after I woke up. And later on in the evening, I had a stomachache. Too much laughing, I guess. 

You know what, it's funny how you once hated an idea so much that you couldn't even bear the thought of it and suddenly after quite some time, you begin to find that heyy it's not a bad idea at all. It is even funnier when you even question yourself (and your conscience) why on earth you hated that idea in the first place. It must be something wrong with yourself at that moment. And now, even if you think it is not a bad idea at all, you just can't undo what you have made others think of what you used to think back during those days. Ahhahaha. I guess growing up does not only mean changing in terms of physical growth but it also means changing our perspectives on certain things as well. Happy growing up, dear self. Now, laugh at your old childish way of seeing things. Go on. Laugh at yourself now. 

: 29th September 2015.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, the school counselor and I altogether with 58 students

went for a seminar on career paths at one of the tertiary institutes here in Jeli.

Like an oasis in a vast desert.

Bae Bae [Big Bang]

"I think I am mentally ill", said Top-shi.

"Me too", said the girl who have just turned 26.

...................

"The thing I'm most afraid of is me.

Of not knowing what I'm going to do.

Of not knowing what I'm doing right now."

....................

The scariest thing is when a sin

becomes so routine for you that

you no longer find 

it is necessary to repent.

: 25th August 2015.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just don't have the mood to do anything else besides watching

my namja, Jiyong. Sorry, Changmin. This time it's Jiyong.

"Hey you, Sweet Potato."

Sempurna waktu, ada dirimu, ada cintamu

“Because there is no future if there is no present.” 

............................

The reason I am now hooked to this drama series is the heroine. Even though she is frustratingly blind to her own heart at times, I understood every bit of her reaction as it is her way of building a tough shell for herself against others. A woman who protects herself so well that she forgets to sometimes let others in—that’s a character I fundamentally understand and relate to. 

...........................

"The ones who notice the storms in your eyes,

the silence in your voice 

and the heaviness in your heart

are the ones you need to let in."

: 5th August 2015.

: 10.03 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today in school, my friend showed me a post which made me laughed at myself.

And the best thing in school is; almost all teachers thought I have already engaged.

My, my, my. Where on earth did the rumour come from? A single person like me?

Ahhh biarkan. Skandal pun skandal lah, janji tak tanya soalan lebih lebih. Erk.

I need a break, NOW!

Terpulanglah mau jadi apa, mau jadi hantu, mau jadi buaya

This is me;

leaning forward 

just to see how far is

my holiday

from my reach.

...................

"I don't think people understand 

how stressful it is to explain

what's going on in your head

when you don't even understand it yourself."

.......................

Days are getting tougher.

Physics are getting more confusing.

Students are getting more rebellious.

I need a break.

.......................

"Even when Allah's ways are inexplicable,

Allah's love is reliable."

: 12th July 2015.

: 11.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I never know I am such a family person until I was posted to Jeli.

Look for a sanctuary in you, not others.

I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul

.......................

"Do not be selfish in prayer by praying for yourself.
Pray for others too and stand a better chance of having your own prayers answered."

.......................

The trial exam for SPM is around the corner. Since I am teaching Physics at the moment, I am literally freaking out. I have two more chapters to cover and with all the last minute programmes with the Form 5 students, my Physics classes are often cancelled. And with all the visits from JPN and PPD, my hands are full with things related to filing, reports and headcount analysis. This is bad. When will I be able to teach them what they need to learn in such a short time? And to make things worse, the upcoming chapters are the chapters that I myself don't quite understand. No matter how many times I've read and tried to refresh my memory of what I have learnt during my school era, I just can't figure it out. I even had a few nightmares which basically about explaining the chapters. How can I explain to my students about things I myself need explanation? Oh gosh, I am freaking out now. What should I do? Can someone help me? And please, don't you ever say, "Dear, why did you worry so much? You are brilliant." That won't help. Compliments like that are unnecessary. If you were in my shoes, you will definitely understand why I said so. At times like this, I just need help. Notes or useful links or whatever. Of course, encouraging words are more than welcomed but at this very moment, I seriously need help. Help me, please. Anyone, please. Oh Lord, please help me. 

: 29th June 2015.

: 10.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I may look calm, but in my heart, there is a storm going on.

Rare commodities these days.

She wears a heart that can melt my own

It was almost 4 years ago when I was so caught up with the youngsters' trend of spazzing and drooling over pretty face handsome Kpop artists and Korean actors. At that time, the world was taken by a storm by the presence of Kpop and Kdrama industry. Just name it, who doesn't know Runningman, Nobody Nobody but chuuuuu~, colourful tight jeans (I am looking at you SNSD) and Oppa Gangnam Style (urgh I hate that song oppsss sorry PSY). 

At that time, as I was also one of the girls whose hearts are easily captured with handsome faces and dazzling smiles, I was hooked with both Kpop and Kdrama. I know some of you might puke reading those words because I know that you guys (especially guys) hate the mention of the words. Well, whateverrrr. Ahhaha. Due to that, I was so into such entertainment at that time (and still now actually but not that often anymore, thanks to work demands and my body's demands of more sleep). I would stay up until late at night (neglecting my assignments and all) to search for any new dramas, new variety shows, new songs, new MVs and even read anything related to them. I even signed up for certain online communities to keep up and be on board with the fandoms. See, how unhealthy my obsession was at that time. But despite the unhealthy obsession, I got to admit that I have met a lot of new, kind and interesting people along the way. I have made new friends from a lot of places; friends that I never knew their real names yet we share the same unhealthy obsession and thoughts on certain issues in life. I am so blessed having to know them especially during those dark days I went through.

Even so, at this very moment, out of all the fandoms that I joined, there is only one fandom that I still follow. And ironically, it is not a fandom for any Kpop artists that I used to spend hours watching their MVs and variety shows, but rather a fandom for my most favourite pairing in Kdrama world. For those who know me, they will definitely know which pairing I am referring to. 

And in this pairing fandom, my fandom mates (oh my that sounds so weird) decided to just write stories using their characters instead of stalking them in the real world. And here I am, drowning in one of the most awesome, well-written stories that I have ever read. But the problem is, the writer will only update the story once in a blue moon. When I said once in a blue moon, it is really a blue moon. I have been waiting for three months for an update and tell you what, it is worth waiting for. Because when the update is finally there, it never fails to make me smile and grin like a Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland. Thank youuuuuu author-nim for the story. I love you to the moon and back! But please, not for another three months, pretty pleaseeeeeeee.

.......................

“Go easy on him,” she said a few seconds later.  

“You think I should?  Even though he made his mother cry by throwing a tantrum  like a five years old?”  

“The damage was already done and he doubtlessly felt terrible about it.  But of all  the places he could go, he came here.  To see you.  It seems to me that he trusts  you.  Hence, go easy on him.  Trust is a fragile thing.”

T/N: This is taken from the awesome story I told you about. I've replaced the characters' names by changing them to the italic words. Why? Because I don't want you to find the fandom merely for your curiosity. Only their fans deserve to read it (yeahhh I am possessive like that ahahha :p )

............................... 

: 25th June 2015.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I know I should do something beneficial,

but hey, isn't reading is one of the beneficial activities?

Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus.

Kimi Ni Todoke OST

Awww pity Kazehaya kun. That girl definitely misinterpreted his message. Why don't you rephrase your sentence, dear? If you guys say girls are difficult to understand, so do your subtle messages. Girls tend to think the other way around. So, please be clear in giving any messages. If you guys are serious, please tell them you are serious. There is no harm in doing that. Ahha.

For guys out there, please bear in mind, there are two types of girls. The first type; they are those who tend to overthink things. If you tell them some things, they will definitely try their best to decipher the message behind each word. So, if there is no underlying meaning behind what you said, these girls will be able to come out with anything they think those words might mean. These girls; they usually the cautious type. They tend to be more careful in replying to your messages and to respond to you. And most of the times, what you see is not actually what they really are. Complicated, huh? But most girls fall in this type. Ahhahaha. The second type; they just tend to take things as it is. In other words, they are the 'blurred' type. These girls; they are slow at understanding hints and subtle messages. Therefore, if you are trying to approach and getting to know them better, these girls, they need to be told directly that you are approaching them. If not, they will just put you in a depressing place called 'friendzone'. Wohoooo. This type is complicated too. Only brave guys will be able to get their message across with these girls.

For your information, a lot of my friends fall in both types. And that is why a lot of my beautiful friends out there are still waiting for the one (even though they look like they already had someone). So, guys, good luck! *wink

......................... 

I am a hopeless romantic 

but won't let anyone close enough

to fall in love.

I am a mess.

: 14th June 2015.

: 6.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: See, now I am looking at stuffs related to Haruma Miura.

And I can't wait for the Attack On Titan live action.

Aishhh, I should get a real life soon. 

Ramadhan, come faster!

Attention drivers.

Love Me Like You Do [Ellie Goulding]

While I was driving to and fro from Jeli to Penang (for quite a number of times), I have been observing the way Malaysian drivers behave on the road. 

If you happen to pass by or use the road from Kelantan to northern counterparts, you will know that you must pass the Gerik road through East Coast Highway. There is no other way except to use the Gerik road. Gerik road is not like the North-South Highway which consists of straight road with two or three lanes. Gerik road is winding, hilly and most of the times consists of one lane. There are a few two-lane areas somewhere up there, but not throughout the journey. Therefore, if you happen to follow behind a big lorry with timber or chicken in small cages, you have to patiently drive behind them until you encounter a two-lane area to overtake the lorry. 

As I have been using the Gerik road more than twenty times now, it is safe to say that I can estimate where is the two-lane area so that I can prepare myself (and my car) to overtake those big lorries, buses and slow cars. Same goes to other drivers who have been using the road as well. However, this makes some of them braver and even more reckless in overtaking other vehicles. Throughout my journey, I noticed that these drivers not only overtake other vehicles along the two-lane areas, but they also overtake at sharp corners on the hilly Gerik road. I mentally applauded them for their courage and their car's powerful engine, but at the same time, I also cursed them for putting other drivers' lives at risk. 

There was once, a big lorry which almost made me and other three drivers' lives in danger. At that time, we were patiently following a slow Kenari in a one-lane road. The opposite lane, however, consists of two-lane road. The Kenari was soooooooo freaking slow and as we were approaching a sharp corner along the Gerik road, a big red lorry behind me decided to overtake both my car and that Kenari. The lorry driver, recklessly, decided to overtake us by using the opposite lane. If there was only one car at the opposite lane, it would be totally fine as the car will be able to use one lane (the inside lane instead of the outer lane). 

At the opposite lane, we could see a silver Proton Waja approaching us. Since the big lorry was overtaking me, the Proton Waja managed to maneuver and use the inside lane (since there are two lanes at their side). At that moment I thought, "Okay. Goodbye you impatient lorry driver. Get away from my sight". However, much to our surprise, as the lorry was overtaking me and the Kenari, out of a sudden, a fast Hilux from the opposite lane appeared and I almost screamed my lungs out. I could see that the Proton Waja was shocked as well and since the lorry was big and was taking his time to overtake the Kenari, the Proton Waja had to dangerously maneuver to the grass area outside of the road. The Hilux almost hit both the lorry and the Proton Waja, however, the Hilux driver managed to hit the brake pedal and maneuvered to the inside lane. The sound of the brake from both Proton Waja and Hilux was so loud, as loud as my own heartbeat. My hands were trembling and I almost had a heart attack. Stupid lorry! You almost kill all of us there! Urgh.

That was only one occasion where my life and other drivers' lives were at risk. Actually, there were more, thanks to the bad habit that certain drivers have in overtaking vehicles. I admit I sometimes overtake other cars too, but only when I am on the two-lane road and when I almost sure that the car at the opposite lane is far enough for me to safely overtake. And yes, most of the times I use signal to in a way telling that; "Hello slow driver, I am overtaking you now. Make way, please". 

So, please, for drivers out there, please please be considerate on the road. Don't turn the road into the valley of death. Instead, let the road be the road to home; where our loved ones waiting.

.........................

source: google image

Well, there. One of the accidents that happened along Gerik to Jeli road. 

: 8th May 2015.

: 05.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: A few days ago, a tragic accident happened because of reckless Myvi drivers

which took away the parent and their small kid,
leaving other two young kids on their own. 

What more tragic after that is that, other Malaysians who are 'clever' enough

to take the revenge out to other innocent Myvi drivers.

This cycle of revenge will never end.
Don't be stupid enough to put the blame on others.

Instead, just bring the responsible drivers to justice.