Imagine being in their shoes.

Home 

by Warsan Shire

no one leaves home unless
home is the mouth of a shark
you only run for the border
when you see the whole city running as well

your neighbors running faster than you
breath bloody in their throats
the boy you went to school with
who kissed you dizzy behind the old tin factory
is holding a gun bigger than his body
you only leave home
when home won’t let you stay.

no one leaves home unless home chases you
fire under feet
hot blood in your belly
it’s not something you ever thought of doing
until the blade burnt threats into
your neck
and even then you carried the anthem under
your breath
only tearing up your passport in an airport toilets
sobbing as each mouthful of paper
made it clear that you wouldn’t be going back.

you have to understand,
that no one puts their children in a boat
unless the water is safer than the land
no one burns their palms
under trains
beneath carriages
no one spends days and nights in the stomach of a truck
feeding on newspaper unless the miles travelled
means something more than journey.
no one crawls under fences
no one wants to be beaten
pitied

no one chooses refugee camps
or strip searches where your
body is left aching
or prison,
because prison is safer
than a city of fire
and one prison guard
in the night
is better than a truckload
of men who look like your father
no one could take it
no one could stomach it
no one skin would be tough enough

the
go home blacks
refugees
dirty immigrants
asylum seekers
sucking our country dry
niggers with their hands out
they smell strange
savage
messed up their country and now they want
to mess ours up
how do the words
the dirty looks
roll off your backs
maybe because the blow is softer
than a limb torn off

or the words are more tender
than fourteen men between
your legs
or the insults are easier
to swallow
than rubble
than bone
than your child body
in pieces.
i want to go home,
but home is the mouth of a shark
home is the barrel of the gun
and no one would leave home
unless home chased you to the shore
unless home told you
to quicken your legs
leave your clothes behind
crawl through the desert
wade through the oceans
drown
save
be hunger
beg
forget pride
your survival is more important

no one leaves home until home is a sweaty voice in your ear
saying-
leave,
run away from me now
i dont know what i’ve become
but i know that anywhere
is safer than here

: 2nd September 2015.

: 08.19 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: With all the riots and chaos in certain parts of the world,

there are a lot of refugees who are having tough time finding a safe place to stay.

To some, they are just a nuisance to their country and they couldn't care less about them.

Read this, and try picturing yourself in their shoes.
See, now our problems seem so little compared to them.

Untuk semua pertanyaan yang belum sempat terjawab.

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta [Melly Goeslow]

Adalah cinta yang mengubah jalannya waktu,

Kerana cinta, waktu terbahagi dua,

Dengan, dan rindu untuk membalik masa.

..................

I woke up today to a sudden urge of watching an Indonesian movie; Ada Apa Dengan Cinta (AADC). For those who still remember, this movie was a hit when it came out around year 2002. I had this vague memories that I once watched this movie with a bunch of my friends at that time. We watched it together at one of my friends' house on a hot evening. I still remember that we ate keropok and drank cold orange juice while watching. However, no matter how I cracked my brain, I seemed to forget who I was with. The memories were kind of jumbled up and this made me feel saddened with the realisation that; the memories in my heart are starting to fade away as each day passes by. Is this what people called; being forgetful? Or does this happen to most of you?

That is why I tend to write things down in this blog. So that, one day, when a piece of memories suddenly flashes through my thoughts, I will be able to track it down and reminisce it as it really was. 

While watching both AADC movie and a LINE commercial of AADC 2014 (you can check it out on the youtube or click on the above picture), I couldn't help but feel a sinking sadness tugging at my own heart. How time flies and how people change. Change is not a bad thing, but the sadness of watching someone or something you know has changed is unevitable. 

And here I am, feeling a tad bit sad and melancholic while listening to the poems recited by both Rangga and Cinta in AADC.

.....................

Detik tidak pernah melangkah mundur,
Tapi kertas putih itu selalu ada.

Waktu tidak pernah berjalan mundur,
Dan hari tidak pernah terulang,
Tetapi pagi selalu menawarkan cerita yang baru.

Untuk semua pertanyaan yang belum sempat terjawab.

: 4th April 2015.

: 12.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Can someone rearrange the missing pieces of my memories?

Just who, who are the friends that I spent time together watching this?

Please tell me.

When there is too much to handle.

'Cos all of me loves all of you

When there is too much to handle, sometimes one day seems like half a day. Some other times, one day seems like an eternity. I don't know which one should I prefer.

I guess those who know me will know what am I referring to. As the eldest daughter in the family, most of the times, there are too many things for me to do. Most days I can handle it. But these days, I just can't. I guess I am too tired.

I know complaining or ranting about this won't help me with these conflicting emotions; 'the struggle to be sincere in doing things' vs 'the inner battle of why-is-it-always-me and enough-is-enough kinda feeling'. However, I need to channel this somewhere so that my mind will somehow feel less burdened.

Sigh. Maybe I need to be a little bit stronger physically and emotionally. Or maybe I should listen to this poem more.

....................

I guess I am just too tired. 

But hey, everyone else too.

: 5th January 2014.

: 12.40 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: How can they look so effortlessly lovely? 

Which road should I take?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, 

and I— I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

....................................

This poem is basically the story of my life.
These days.

: 16th August 2014.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Who thought going back for the weekend (which is like less than two days)

would be so eventful.