Stop it!

Sigh...

Stop it.

Stop sighing!

Stop it!

Stop being weak!

It's not the end of the world.

So, be strong!
I must be strong.

I must not be weak!

I cannot be weak!
There's a lot of things I must do.
So, don't ever be so weak!

"So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief. Verily, with every difficulty, there is relief." [ Al-Sharh: 5-6]

: 24th February 2010.

: 11.56p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I can't believe I was so weak. 
Oh God, let this be a lesson. 
I guess I haven't love You enough.
 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Truth hurts,lies worse.

.....
They say, sometimes
things are better left unsaid,
because it might be hurtful to say it.

But, can't you see?

No matter how hurtful and painful the truth is,

lies are even worse.

Because, it's too painful.

Just too painful.

You see, for all these while,
I thought I was in the middle of a beautiful meadow.
Thank to Him,
I finally realised that,
I was actually in a mist, created by you.

Thank God.

He is the One who shows me the truth.
And He is the One who guides me through it all.
Thank God.

If not, I would have probably been left alone in this damp mist,

struggling and struggling
in suffocation.

Thank God.

At least, I can see things clearly,
and at least I can breathe easily.
Indeed, it is not easy, but at least I'm free.

[Feeling alone? Nah, you shouldn't feel that way. 

Because, He is always with you! Don't you ever forget that!]

: 23rd February 2010.

: 02.55a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Wow, I just realised that I have been watching this wonderful drama for quite a while. 
The main actor is so damn talented and the storyline is shockingly interesting! 
I can't wait for the ending. Haha, yeah, I know I am very impatient, 
but if you have watched it with me, you'll be too. 

Hey, I'm only human.

.......
.........
............


For these past few days, I've been having my worst mental breakdown.
Maybe because of the tiredness that I feel and the pain that I have to endure as each day passes by.

I have tried my best to think positive,
to be patient and stay strong,
to remain calm and not say anything,
to think of good reasons why you did that,
to just let you realise what you have make me feel even if it takes time.
But, no matter what, as days passed by,
I just can't stand this tiredness, this frustration, and this pain.

Hey, I'm only human.
That's why I'm not that strong,
that's why I'm easily triggered by all of that,
that's why I'm not perfect.

And I know you are too.
And I forgive you.
All that I ask from you is for you to change,
and stop taking me for granted.
That's all.
Nothing more, nothing less.

: 19th February 2010.

: 02.50p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I'm trying to change myself, just for you. And I hope you too. 
Because I really believe in second chance. 
But, I also want you to always remember that my patience has its own limitation.
So please, don't let my patience die out. 

Dear love, please smile more.

Happy Birthday, my dear mismatched eyes!

Although today is your special day, I can't help feeling a little bit miserable.

I don't why, but I guess the thought of you and your hyungs
in the middle of those problems makes me feel this way.

And I guess, the frustration and tiredness that I have right now
because of something stupid also make me this sober.

I heard you are away dear.
Don't overwork yourself, okay?
Please have a good rest and get a peace of mind wherever you are.

You know, problems are there to make us stronger, so be strong!

No matter what path you are taking, I will surely support you dear.

Please don't doubt it.

And dear, please don't forget to eat okay?

"When rain falls, I'll be the umbrella that covers you. 

When the wind blows, I'll be the wall that shields you"

: 18th February 2010.

: 00.30 a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I miss your smiles, seriously. 

Please don't let it fade away dear. I need it. I really really need it.

Just stay the way you are dear. Until you come back, I'll wait for you.

Things change.

....
Do you realise that,

Things are not the same anymore.

And all of us have changed?

You are not what you were before.

I am not what I was before.

We are no longer what we used to be before.

Why?

Because as time passes us by, we experience different things.

We encounter different people.

We face different problems.

That's why we are not the same like before.

And that's why we both have changed.

But, no matter how things have changed,

I hope that there will be no day when we start not to greet each other anymore.

Because, no matter how we all have changed,

the memories of us will still remain the same.

I still have pictures of us in my mind. I hope you too.

"You must become the change you wish to see in the world."

: 17th February 2010.

: 12.48a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: By the way, two of my housemates, Miss Penggemar Susu and Miss Penggemar Buah Oren 

have to perform for our University's Open Day tomorrow (erm..technically, today). 

All the best! I believe you guys will be just fine! And great!  Ehhe.

Tired? If you are tired, others are too.

.....

Tired?

It's just normal to be tired.

Everyone feels it.

Not only you.

You will find that it is tiring when you have so much work to do at one time.

But nothing is more tiring than having to cope with others' feelings 

and at the same time managing your work in such little amount of time.

You yourself have no more room to breath, 

but you have to make other rooms available for others to do what they want to do.

It's indeed much more tiring than you can ever imagine! 

Really, I have seen and met such people who had these difficulties and dilemmas.

And I could see how weary they looked like, and how tired they felt at that moment.

Coping with work is one thing.

Coping with others' feelings is another thing.

To satisfy others is not easy.

To satisfy all is not possible.

From far, I pray that these people will be rewarded by God for all their hard work and effort.

Their job is not easy.

Try to be in their shoes and you will know.

You see, even by watching them doing their work from far, I can still feel the burden.

What more if I'm in their shoes?

What more if I'm one of them?

I guess if that happens, maybe I will just throw the shoes away.

But hey, thank God they are not like me.

For those people who faced such dilemma and who are tired as well, stay strong!

I pray hard that everything will turn out fine in the end.

He will always be with you, just remember that!

: 15th February 2010.

: 11.50p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Oh yeah, since I have been here in Plymouth for nearly 5 months, 

I only realised today that I have been wearing the same two shoes to class. 

I guess it's time for me to buy a new one, perhaps?

I write this for the sake of writing.

...

First of all, I want to wish all my Chinese friends, Happy Chinese New Year! 

Let this year be a better one than last year! Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Alright, back to the topic.
I write this for the sake of writing?
LAME.
What a lame excuse isn't it?
Write this for the sake of writing something?
Totally lame!

But hey, this reminds me of something.
Reminds me of the exact feeling when I wrote for my assignment years ago (or maybe months ago?).
Have you ever felt the same?
Writing your assignment just for the sake of writing it and submitting it on time so that you will at least get good (or maybe satisfactory) marks rather than nothing?
You write it because you have to not because you want to.
Totally lame, isn't it?
You spent almost all your precious hours writing on something, focusing on something and analysing on something, which later on you would end up forget all about it right after you submitted it.
You wrote for nothing.
You gain nothing.
Doing everything for nothing!
If you ask me, I don't even know what did I write for my last assignment.
Arghhh! Then what's the point of writing? I never learn anything! Arghhh!
( WARNING: Mentally disturbed now)

Lame, what a lame and what a fool!
And yet, I am among those fools.
Haishh, I think I will continue being one if I continue writing this.
I don't exactly know what's the point of writing this, but I really want to write something!
I need to stop before I make myself more foolish than ever.

By the way, a good writer is the one who write good things.
No need to tell me, I know I'm not.

: 15th February 2010.

: 12.55 a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Tonight is very cold. They say now is almost spring, but why is it still as cold as before? 
The spring's wind is sure chilly! By the way, I have lots of assignments to write. 
Let's pray that I will learn something this time. Haha.

I'm mad! Really!

...

I'm totally mad!

Extremely mad!

Mad! Mad! Mad!

Argh! I really2 mad!

Never in my whole life I want to hit someone so badly as I am now.

Oh God, I really want to punch someone's face right now!

Oh God, please give me a chance to slap someone's face, please..

Please before I hit myself even harder.

Please...

Now, I can't really see what I'm writing.

I guess there's something in my eyes.

No matter how hard I try to rub it off, it just won't stop.

Argh, why won't you stop?!

Oh no, my perfect sky is torn now.

Well, it's been a cloudy day since this morning.

And, and I guess now it's the right time for it to rain.

Isn't it?

Oh my, it's raining heavily now.

Please, someone, please, can someone lend me their umbrella?

It's getting cold now.

Please...

Please...please

before I'm getting cold.

You know, I can't stand forever in cold.

[God only tests those who can bear it. He's testing me now. Please be strong! I know I can bear it!]

: 09th February 2010.

: 04.49 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I'm listening to songs now and I'm trying hard to make myself deaf by putting on the highest volume. 

I just want to be alone for a while, please let me be before I do something stupid. To you.

God has answered my prayer.

....

Still remember my previous entry?
How I complained that my life was boring and boredom sucks?
Well, God has heard my complaints and He has answered my prayer.
These past few days, I was totally busy. (Serve me right!)
Really2 busy to the extent that I can't even differentiate between my lunch and my dinner.
It has combined into one meal and my always-craving-for-food stomach can't take it anymore.
My brain becomes so lame and I can't think straight.
Well, I can't blame others as I am the one who 'ask' for it.
Indeed, He never neglects us.
He will definitely answer our prayers.
No matter whether it is now, tomorrow or any other day.
He will surely answer each of our prayer. He definitely will!
You see, He has already answered mine.
And He will definitely answer yours.

: 08th February 2010.

: 01.15a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I'm really exhausted now, but my eyes just can't close. 
I am hungry and at the same time, I'm damn sleepy. 
That's the result of poor time management and poor eating management. 
Don't be like me, please. Do manage your time wisely and eat accordingly. 

Boredom sucks.

...

Boredom sucks.
Indeed it does.
To a great extend, it can 'kill' oneself, if one doesn't know how to manage the time.
Hassan Al-Banna once said, "One's responsibility is more than the amount of time one has."
If one realises the underlying meaning beyond this sentence, one will know that one has so little time to laze around and complains that life is so boring.
Time is gold. In fact, it is far more expensive than gold itself.
Value your time.
Time passes. It never stops, and it will never turn back.
Like what Saidina Ali r.a once said, "Time is like a sword. If you don't slice it, it will slice you!"
Well said.
And I'm trying my best to not let it slice me.
Well, easy said than done, isn't it? But, at least I'm trying.
How about you?

: 03rd February 2010.

: 11.58 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I'm doing the transcription that my lecturer asked me to. 
To listen attentively and jot down every single word 
that you listen on a piece of paper is not as easy as you can imagine. 
A lot of concentration is needed! 
Honestly, I'm so amazed with those 'perawi hadis' who can remember 
and memorise all the hadiths by Prophet Muhammad without any errors. 
May Allah bless all of you.

That dream.

...

When I was young, I often had this dream.

In that dream, I was running from something.
Something which I did not even know what it is, but I knew I must run away from it.

So, in that deserted town, I ran and ran.

I shouted for help but nobody ever answered me.

There was no glimpse of any human being.
I was helplessly hopeless. I couldn't find the way out.

With tears running down my cheek, I continue ran and ran.
Ran and ran.

Until a hand grabbed me from out of nowhere.

It was a hand of a boy in white T-shirt.

He was the same boy who appeared to rescue me in that dream.

It would always be him.

But I couldn't recall his face.

I did not even know who he was.

All I knew was, he was the one who held my hand and led me to a safer place.

And all I remembered was, his sincere smile.
....

It was long ago, and I never had that dream for quite a time now.

I completely forgot about him.

Until, until I saw the same smile as him.

Could it be that he was him?

The one in my dream?

Or is it just a mere coincidence?

[ Jodoh itu rahsia Nya. Percaya dan yakin pada janji Nya! A pious woman is for a pious man. Be patient, someone is made for you somewhere. He knows. ]

: 1st February 2010.

: 11.18p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Eh, now is already February? How time flies.
 I wonder whether all these while I've been spending my time wisely.
 I hope I did. If not, I don't know how to answer Him when He asks one day.