These days, my body hurts.

Have I told you lately that I love you

The weather has been crazy these past few days, hasn't it? The combination of crazy weather and a whole load of work I have been doing for the past few days; has totally taken a toll on me.

My body started to feel a bit more tired that I always fall asleep so fast and mannn, the moment I woke up- I never felt so awake and tired at the same time. I don't know how to explain it but it felt good having a good sleep but my mind felt tired thinking of a brand new day I would need to go through again. So complicated.

Talking about feeling tired, oh this reminds me of the few weeks before I delivered my dear son. 

In the first trimester, I did not have a rough time with morning sickness. I always thought morning sickness means that most of the pregnant ladies will somehow vomit or throw up early in the morning; thus the name morning sickness. However, in my case, it's more to evening sickness? I don't know what to call since the nausea feeling came only during evening. My mornings were mostly me waking up feeling like 'oh man I need more hours of sleep' but once I hit the shower, alhamdulillahh I was ready to gear up for school. 

Unfortunately, it was not the case once dinner time was almost there. I couldn't stand the smell of rice, imagine that. I didn't like rice hahahha can you imagine? Me? Not eating rice? Hahahha but yeah, that was what happened to me. I could only took a few bites and that's that. My preference was more to western food at that time. You name it. Chicken chop? Burgers? Spaghetti? Pasta? Yes, those were the foods that fueled me up in the beginning of my pregnancy. However, alhamdulillahh during the next two trimesters, my appetite came back. Come rice, get into my bellyyyyy. 

As for weird cravings and whatnot, I think I was more into wanting to go travelling. During pregnancy, I went to a few states; well, mainly in the matter of attending weddings and visiting friends. But man, I did travel a lot. Alhamdulillahh I didn't have any complications travelling by bus, car or flight. Some people did warn me to get enough rest as not many could travel far with their big belly but alhamdulillahh this baby appeared to love being on a trip. I think it might also have some relation to me and husband being in long distance relationship. We only managed to see each other during weekends so when the long holidays were finally there, we took the opportunity to travel together especially before we have another one coming aboard. Oh, how we were so ecstatic with the thoughts of having the little one to join us travelling but fast forward, now with all this Covid pandemic going on, we have to put a pause to all those plans we had back then. Those traveling times made us become closer and I thank Allah for all those opportunities. I was so glad I managed to travel to Bandung, Indonesia with my husband as he had never been to overseas before. Alhamdulillah at least his first trip was with me gituw hikhikhik gedik kan. 

Even though I did look like I had quite a smooth pregnancy, towards the last few weeks before labour, I experienced what they call as 'sciatica'; pain and numbness that radiate along the sciatic nerve from the lower back to the buttocks and leg.  Oh man, the pain. I couldn't walk as fast as I used to. I even felt the sharp pain every time I wanted to climb down the stairs. I put on smiles every time people bumped into me but mannnn the painnnnnn. The pain was nothing I could imagine before. That was only 'sciatica', I didn't know what type of pain other mothers had to go through. That was such a good reminder for me of the struggles that other mothers might go through. Please grant jannah to all mothers, oh Allah.

It was during those challenging and painful times that made me missed my spouse so much. I always wished he was there to at least massage my leg or whatnot but man, the distance. It was tough going through the rough nights alone. I did wake up a few times at nights because of the pain and the urge to pee. Man, how can mothers pee a lot with their big bellyyyy? It was such a struggle. But alhamdulillahh, if Allah put you to it, He will put you through it right? Alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh I managed to go through almost 40 weeks of being pregnant. And on a day before the EDD, I delivered my first born. 

Just when I thought the struggles had finally over, the postpartum period was another different type of struggle. Hey, for every blessing of course there's a test that comes with it. That's the price of it kan? So whenever you face a difficulty, be patient, a blessing is on the way. Just be patient and trust Him, okay?

..................

: 3rd August 2020.

: Merlimau, Melaka.

: A child is both a blessing and a responsibility.

Yes I am back!

Students chattering

Hello, there. It has been quite some time right? My goodness, how I long to write something here and alhamdulillah finally I am here. I know I have been making promises to at least write something here but man, life has been sooooo hectic. A blessed type of hectic.

For those who might be wondering what I was up to the last two years (almost two years now right?), alhamdulillah I was busy carrying the little one inside me (what a wonderful 9 months of journey that was) and gave birth to my lovely son on March 2019 last year. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I never thought that a few days before our first anniversary, I would become a mother. Alhamdulillah, but there was not celebration for our first anniversary wuuwuuuu. I was still at the hospital on our first anniversary fuhh the experience. Still, alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. It is not easy being a mother and wife at the same time but it is worth it. I pray that for those who are praying to get their bundle of joy will be blessed with one soon. Don't worry, God will give one when it is the right time. He knows the perfect time for that. He is the All-Knowing, so trust Him okay?

I still remember how eventful being pregnant was. It was not easy, though people saw me all smiling. I was happy of course, who would not right? I was beyond happy feeling the little one's kicks and all that but there were times when I couldn't sleep and mannn, feeling lethargic all day was such a challenge to me. I felt bloated and hungry at the same time. I missed my husband too most of the times and his T-shirts were the only comfort I had during challenging and sleepless nights. That's the perks of LDR you see. 

There were also times when my emotions got the better of me especially when I saw photos of my friends spending time with their spouses. I admit it, I felt so jealous and when the emotions got so ugly no matter how hard I tried to be happy for them and to be grateful in whatever state I was in, I had to take a few steps away from social media. I even muted their posts so that I would not compare my life with them. I also had the urge to show every piece of happiness I had each day and man, at one point I felt like why am I doing this for? This is not a competition. Life is never a competition so why was I getting so worked up seeing people posting and uploading their happiness on social media? Thank God I managed to stop myself from over sharing and over showing the fact that I was happily pregnant and expecting. I am a private type of person so I managed to keep that as a private thing as well to the point  that when I finally posted the news that I had given birth, many of my friends got the shock of their lives. Alamak macam tu pulak haha. But yeah, I am one of the people who think that there is no need to show the whole world that I am expecting as we never know what will happen during the process. Plus, it is not nice to happily announce and show that as there will be people who might feel sad as they themselves are trying hard to conceive. We never know right? See, so many things to consider. Some people might say heyy let me be, it's my social media so why bother. It's my right to post photos of my baby bump and my craving and whatnot. It's true as well, but for me, sharing once a while is okay but to share every single hour or every single day...I don't know. You just have to think for others as well. 

Phew, the pregnancy journey was a tough one I tell youuuu haha. I was so blessed for staying at my parents' house even though some of the times they did go back to Penang to look at their house there and to visit their friends. It's so fun being a retiree right? I was also blessed with less health concerns during pregnancy, however Allah is sooo fair. I was tested with a challenging post-partum period. But that's another story. During pregnancy, I didn't have weird cravings and I could just eat everything. But at times when my family was not around, that was when I was tested with negative thoughts. I felt so alone and it felt so miserable to go to all those doctor appointments alone. I also felt so tired having to go to and fro to my in-laws' on certain weekends even though I just took the bus. Carrying a big belly alone here and there made me feel like a single parent at times fuhhh the thoughts. Going through all that made me amazed with all the single mothers who have to raise their kids on their own. It's not easy. So, if you know anybody going through LDR or anybody who is just staying with their kids, please please please give them support. A little bit of understanding and encouragement especially by asking them how's their day will make their day. See, that's all I need actually during those times. And alhamdulillah I was so blessed to have a dear friend of mine who was in Dungun that time, who never failed to check up on me. Such a precious soul she is. There were some who once in a while called but she and another one who is in Pasir Gudang now, were those two who were always there to listen to my rants. God bless them. 

Hey, that was through that ugly period when I learnt that comparison is seriously the thief of joy. Why would I be unhappy seeing people's happiness when Allah has blessed me with the little bundle of joy that not everyone is blessed with. I should be grateful each day for that and alhamdulillah my husband was there to remind me of that every passing day. 

Wow, so much things happened right? I felt so much better now that I finally managed to pour this all out. There were so many things happened in between but to summarize, I have learnt a lot. I have seen the ugly emotions that were kept hidden all these while and through it all, I have seen the precious souls who were there for me. Thanks. May Allah bless you for that.

.....................................

Love yourself when you're tired

Love yourself when you're weak

Love yourself when you're confused

Love yourself when you're broken

Love yourself until you're restored.

With love,

I who selfishly need people to love me 

when I myself need to love others as much. 

There he is, making my screen fills with rainbows.

Secret Love Song

"There are two types of beauty. The one that smacks you across the face and is plastered on magazine covers. And then there's type that grows on you. The one you don't expect. The one that poets and authors write about, the eternal kind."

..........................

"I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me."

[George Orwell]

...........................

Jeli; despite the lack of entertainment (malls and good eating places that is for me) has a lot of positive things to offer. The nature, the animals and errr the nature. However, the downside of being in Jeli is that the phone line and the internet connection are not thaaaaaat good. Seriously, if you have the experience of being on the phone with me, you will know what am I talking about. Okay, I don't want to talk about that in particular err but yeahh, yes the internet connection just sucks. Forgive me for my language.

That explains why I don't really like to follow the newest drama series as it is sooooooo difficult for me to download the episodes here. Remember Descendants of the Sun? Yeahh that famous Korean drama months ago. I haven't got the chance to watch even one episode of it, you see. I had to ask my brother to download it for me. However, I didn't really feel the urge to watch it right there and then at that time since well, Joong Ki is not my ultimate bias or anything. So, until now I don't really have any idea of that drama. Still, I know the OST (thanks to Xiah Junsu ahhaha).

Nonetheless, recently a new drama has just started. Well, I would not give a d**n (forgive me for my language again) about it until....until I got to know that my Lee Jong Suk is the main character of that drama. Why? Seriously whyyyyyyy? Why can't you guys wait until it is school holidays here in Malaysia? Whyyyyyyyyy?

So, I ended up watching the drama in school whenever I'm free using the school wifi. This is not a good example, dear readers. Don't slack off during your work okay? I should put all the blame on Lee Jong Suk. Aishhh, what have you done to me? You and your make-my-screen-fills-with-rainbows smiles. Aishhh.

See this Lee Jong Suk. Aishh I feel like slapping him. Aishh.

: 11th August 2016.

: 9.12 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Two of my students were suspected of bringing illegal things

to the SPM camp last week at one of the schools in Jeli.

As their class teacher, I felt both aggravated and disappointed.

Why? Of all times, why now? Of all things, why that?

I craved for meat last week.

How you make others feel about themselves,

says a lot about you.

......................

"You will have days where you feel better, and you will have days where you want to die. Both are okay. There is no magical cure. You just need to close your eyes, and trust that waves will pass, and soon you'll be able to breathe again."

.....................

Last week, I had a mixture of emotions. Negative emotions. I woke up feeling anxious, went through my lessons feeling both tired and angry, went back home feeling both knackered and hungry, marking students' papers feeling frustrated and disappointed and went to bed feeling demotivated thinking of tomorrow in school. I don't know what came over me, but no matter how I tried lifting my mood by watching Merlin and randomly texting my friends, those negative emotions kept creeping in. 

I know bad days and bad moods will go off at some point, but what makes me even more negative is the fact that I knew I shouldn't be feeding myself with negative thoughts but I just couldn't stop myself from doing that. You know, when you of all people know that you shouldn't do something and yet you do it, you will feel even more terrible and disappointed in yourself. That's what I have been feeling for the past week.

One of my dear friends once pointed out to me that, most people see me as someone who they can share their secrets and problem with and also as someone who has no problem listening to their negative complaints and problems. Therefore, most of them would not mind sharing all those things with me. 

Honestly, I don't mind them sharing with me as it is a great honour to know someone has their trust in you. But, as I try my best to keep those negative things with me, as time passes by, those negative emotions and thoughts that they shared with me will start eating me out from the inside. You see, when you tell me something negative, I will try my best to make it positive but without me realising it, my soul absorbs all those negative things. Especially when the negative keeps coming in every single day. That is why, at some point, I will be very negative towards everything around me. 

Those who are around me day in and day out will eventually see how at certain days, I am such an annoying and complicated nuisance to be with. There are times when you will see me smiling sunshines and rainbows, talking nonsense and randomly making fun of things as if nothing can bring me down. Those are times I will be annoying in a good way. But mind you, after those sunshines and rainbows, I will be a soul with dark thoughts and negative emotions. I will be angry at smallest things and I will keep myself to myself. There will be no rainbows. There will be no sunshines. There will be only me; doing things that are not me and saying things I don't even mean.

And last week, after so much negativity, I exploded. I had enough of being patient and I became so angry and said things that I had in my heart for so long. What makes me even more angry is; I cared so much of a person that I became angry when that person didn't take heed of what I said. When I care about someone, I will tell them what I think the best for them, but usually, that wouldn't turn out good because when I am angry, my words are not as beautiful as they should be. And that makes those who are at the receiving ends think that I purposely hurt them with my words. But no. I care so much that is why I said such things to make you realise that you are doing it wrong. I know I am not always right, but please, hear me out when I said something. I want nothing but the best for you. You should know that. Because if you don't mean a thing to me, of course I wouldn't waste my time saying it to you. I would rather let you be. 

So, here in this long post, I want to say sorry if I hurt you with my words. I meant good. I want you to be happy. I want you to put some effort. I want you to see things from other perspective. I want you to believe in Him. I want you to know that things like soulmate or a perfect guy won't come to you without you looking for it. And please bear in mind, my dear, there is no perfect guy in this world. You and I, we have to learn to accept the flaws in others and love them the way they are. Just as God loves the imperfect us. 

And my dear, I love you the way you are. Please don't just wallow in self-pity and wait for your Prince Charming without doing anything. You have to do something. For a beginning, let us pray for him to come soon. 

.........................

"How beautiful to find a heart that loves you,

without asking you for anything,

but to be okay."

: 24th March 2016.

: 4.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Our friends always find you childish,

but you, my dear, is a person with a big heart.

You just need to see the world in a positive way.

This heat is killing me softly.

Wake up, your sleeping heart [The Vamps]

"I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. 

They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be."

.....................

These days, the heat was too much to bear. I had to drink more than before (which is actually a good thing), I had to shower more than twice a day (oh man, I am not fond of bathing just because I am too lazy to do so), I had to keep my windows open even at night and now, my brain...my brain is on the verge of exploding with the fire of wrath (thank you dear students) and overthinking.

"In every sorrow, seek happiness."

Indeed, I am trying to live my life with the above quote. Still, trying is a never-ending battle in which both my emotions and my physical strength will have to participate. Oh, whatever. I don't even know what I am writing. 

I just finished watching 'The Heirs'. Oh please, don't judge me. I don't find that drama is that interesting because let me tell you, the story is so cliche. You know families of chaebol fighting over companies, evil parents who happen to be the presidents of the companies, rich kids fighting for power in school and of course, a love story between a chaebol and an ordinary girl who happen to have a lot of part-time jobs (and yet she has the time to date a chaebol ahhahaha this is the power of drama, people, it's dramaaaa). However, I still watched it and I find myself falling for two dark characters in that drama. Oh well, when I fall for such characters, of course, in no time, I have googled for that pairing. So, I have another pairing now and great stories with them in it are already bookmarked by me. It's time to read now, peeps. He he he he.

For those who don't understand what I have just written, don't worry, it is not that important. I just had to write it down; for me in particular. I have so much things in my mind now so I have to let certain things out so I can breathe and think properly.

Have I ever told you that since early December, one of my relatives has been urging me to get married? Oh, don't be shocked. I don't have any candidate at the moment, so yeah, my marriage might not be that soon. The thing is, this relative of mine is so persistent. Every single day (okay I exaggerated but well almost every day), she will send me a quote on marriage and marriage and marriage and marriage. She has never contacted me before that often, but since her son is getting engaged this March, she started to urge me. She tried to pair me up with a guy she barely knows and expected me to just accept that guy without having to get to know him personally. She even asked my grandmother to tell my mom to have me go for 'mandi bunga'. I was like, seriously? Mandi bunga? Seriously?! 

I know she is being concerned as I am still single and dating no one apparently, but this is burdening. I know, I am the eldest grandchild and since my cousin which is younger than me by a year and oh well, my cousin is a guy, people might start looking at me in different perspective now. Yeah, let me tell you what perspective; I am an old maiden which is so unattractive to have failed in dating anyone. I actually don't mind that much if people I don't personally close to think and see me that way. However, when my own relatives do that to me, I feel like it's true. I am unattractive. I am not interesting. I am dull. I am not sweet enough to make anyone fall in love with me. That is why I am having a lot of self-doubt recently. 

How can I love myself when people near me see me as an unattractive lady? A lady that no man looks at. A lady who is single at the age of 27 years old this year. Tell me, just how can I believe I am beautiful when in my relatives' eyes, I am a failure? This is seriously killing me inside. I might look like I don't care but deep down inside, every time I see myself in the mirror, I feel like am I that unattractive and plain ugly. So tell me, how would I believe you when you say guys will be flocking around me in no time because I am pretty? Tell me, please.

: 19th January 2016.

: 8.53 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I had six periods of classes

and when I tried to be positive,

that message just killed my mood. 

Everything was screaming: the sea, the wind, my heart.

Eat [Zion T]

"It's funny how a tornado never understands the damage it has caused.

Aren't we all just tornadoes?"

.........................

"I am figuring out which parts of my personality are mine and which ones I created to please you." 

[Lora Mathis, The Dust On This Poem Could Choke You]

.....................

"Dear Allah, if I lose hope today, please remind me that your plans are better than my dreams."

....................

Confidence is not "they will like me".

Confidence is "I'll be fine if they don't."

: 7th October 2015.

: 11.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Someone said something to me

and it still hurts, even until now.

That one funny dream.

Fix you [Coldplay]

"Sometimes it is the people no one imagines anything of

who do the things no one can imagine."

-Alan Turing, The Imitation Game

...................

"Positive thinking isn't ignoring life's problems,

it's understanding that Allah can make 

a way out for you if you sincerely try."

-Sheykh Omar

...................

Last night, I had a funny dream. It was so funny that I couldn't wipe away my grin even after I woke up. And later on in the evening, I had a stomachache. Too much laughing, I guess. 

You know what, it's funny how you once hated an idea so much that you couldn't even bear the thought of it and suddenly after quite some time, you begin to find that heyy it's not a bad idea at all. It is even funnier when you even question yourself (and your conscience) why on earth you hated that idea in the first place. It must be something wrong with yourself at that moment. And now, even if you think it is not a bad idea at all, you just can't undo what you have made others think of what you used to think back during those days. Ahhahaha. I guess growing up does not only mean changing in terms of physical growth but it also means changing our perspectives on certain things as well. Happy growing up, dear self. Now, laugh at your old childish way of seeing things. Go on. Laugh at yourself now. 

: 29th September 2015.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, the school counselor and I altogether with 58 students

went for a seminar on career paths at one of the tertiary institutes here in Jeli.

Of that awkward yet sweet two.

I can't forget your love [2PM]

"You all have a little bit of 'I want to save the world' in you, that's why you're here, in college. I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that person is you."

.....................

The problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.

—  Ram Dass

........................

"People will always say things about your look and personality. Don't take it personally and make big changes to meet their expectation. What's more important is what you say to yourself. Always keep a positive attitude about your own self image."

One of my friends was amazed at my ability to sleep like a log on a moving vehicle.There was also this one girl who happened to sit beside me on a bus from Pudu to Butterworth (this happened a few years back)--she said to me, "Wah, best nya tido." A ha ha haaa. Of course I had such a great time sleeping because when I am not driving, I shall rejoice in my slumber. 

: 8th September 2015.

: 9.00 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: On my way back from my Physics extra class today, it was raining heavily.

All of the sudden, my thoughts went to an old programme I used to watch.
And here I am re-watching the first episode of that show. Aishhh memories.

Look for a sanctuary in you, not others.

I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul

.......................

"Do not be selfish in prayer by praying for yourself.
Pray for others too and stand a better chance of having your own prayers answered."

.......................

The trial exam for SPM is around the corner. Since I am teaching Physics at the moment, I am literally freaking out. I have two more chapters to cover and with all the last minute programmes with the Form 5 students, my Physics classes are often cancelled. And with all the visits from JPN and PPD, my hands are full with things related to filing, reports and headcount analysis. This is bad. When will I be able to teach them what they need to learn in such a short time? And to make things worse, the upcoming chapters are the chapters that I myself don't quite understand. No matter how many times I've read and tried to refresh my memory of what I have learnt during my school era, I just can't figure it out. I even had a few nightmares which basically about explaining the chapters. How can I explain to my students about things I myself need explanation? Oh gosh, I am freaking out now. What should I do? Can someone help me? And please, don't you ever say, "Dear, why did you worry so much? You are brilliant." That won't help. Compliments like that are unnecessary. If you were in my shoes, you will definitely understand why I said so. At times like this, I just need help. Notes or useful links or whatever. Of course, encouraging words are more than welcomed but at this very moment, I seriously need help. Help me, please. Anyone, please. Oh Lord, please help me. 

: 29th June 2015.

: 10.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I may look calm, but in my heart, there is a storm going on.

Rare commodities these days.

She wears a heart that can melt my own

It was almost 4 years ago when I was so caught up with the youngsters' trend of spazzing and drooling over pretty face handsome Kpop artists and Korean actors. At that time, the world was taken by a storm by the presence of Kpop and Kdrama industry. Just name it, who doesn't know Runningman, Nobody Nobody but chuuuuu~, colourful tight jeans (I am looking at you SNSD) and Oppa Gangnam Style (urgh I hate that song oppsss sorry PSY). 

At that time, as I was also one of the girls whose hearts are easily captured with handsome faces and dazzling smiles, I was hooked with both Kpop and Kdrama. I know some of you might puke reading those words because I know that you guys (especially guys) hate the mention of the words. Well, whateverrrr. Ahhaha. Due to that, I was so into such entertainment at that time (and still now actually but not that often anymore, thanks to work demands and my body's demands of more sleep). I would stay up until late at night (neglecting my assignments and all) to search for any new dramas, new variety shows, new songs, new MVs and even read anything related to them. I even signed up for certain online communities to keep up and be on board with the fandoms. See, how unhealthy my obsession was at that time. But despite the unhealthy obsession, I got to admit that I have met a lot of new, kind and interesting people along the way. I have made new friends from a lot of places; friends that I never knew their real names yet we share the same unhealthy obsession and thoughts on certain issues in life. I am so blessed having to know them especially during those dark days I went through.

Even so, at this very moment, out of all the fandoms that I joined, there is only one fandom that I still follow. And ironically, it is not a fandom for any Kpop artists that I used to spend hours watching their MVs and variety shows, but rather a fandom for my most favourite pairing in Kdrama world. For those who know me, they will definitely know which pairing I am referring to. 

And in this pairing fandom, my fandom mates (oh my that sounds so weird) decided to just write stories using their characters instead of stalking them in the real world. And here I am, drowning in one of the most awesome, well-written stories that I have ever read. But the problem is, the writer will only update the story once in a blue moon. When I said once in a blue moon, it is really a blue moon. I have been waiting for three months for an update and tell you what, it is worth waiting for. Because when the update is finally there, it never fails to make me smile and grin like a Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland. Thank youuuuuu author-nim for the story. I love you to the moon and back! But please, not for another three months, pretty pleaseeeeeeee.

.......................

“Go easy on him,” she said a few seconds later.  

“You think I should?  Even though he made his mother cry by throwing a tantrum  like a five years old?”  

“The damage was already done and he doubtlessly felt terrible about it.  But of all  the places he could go, he came here.  To see you.  It seems to me that he trusts  you.  Hence, go easy on him.  Trust is a fragile thing.”

T/N: This is taken from the awesome story I told you about. I've replaced the characters' names by changing them to the italic words. Why? Because I don't want you to find the fandom merely for your curiosity. Only their fans deserve to read it (yeahhh I am possessive like that ahahha :p )

............................... 

: 25th June 2015.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I know I should do something beneficial,

but hey, isn't reading is one of the beneficial activities?

Be strong, dear kind heart.

Iman adalah mutiara di dalam hati manusia

........................

One of my dear friends called me and cried because of a student. 

Be strong dear. 

As a teacher, we have to have a steel heart sometimes.

Or in my case, most of the times.

Even so, don't let anyone make you feel down.

And no matter how hard everything is, be the kind-hearted you.

......................

This practically sums up my face 

when my students decided to be rude to me.

Oh no, not the girl's face.

It's the do-I-give-a-damn type of face. 

But honestly, deep inside, my reaction is similar to the girl.

Does this mean I have two personalities in me?

: 14th May 2015.

: 7.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: No. It's not that I have two personalities in me.

It's just how I decide to behave publicly.

Well admit it, we all have different type of reaction too, 

depending on where and who we are with.

How do you pick up the threads of an old life?

May It Be [Enya]

How do you go on 

when in your heart

you begin to understand

there is no going back?

[Frodo Baggins, The Return of The King]

......................

Today, as stated in the extra class timetable, I have an extra class with my Form 3 students. However, I was not in the mood, so I decided to call it off. To make things more interesting, one of the teachers heard that I cancelled the class and oh well, you can guess the rest of the story.

I know it was my fault for cancelling the extra class without a valid reason, but deep in my heart I felt so dissatisfied as there were also other teachers who cancelled their classes. And to teach, you have to be motivated too, if not there is no point in wasting your students' time being in a lesson with a demotivated teacher. So, that is why I cancelled it. 

Oh well, I guess by being a teacher, it also means you are a robot. The word 'rest' does not exist in a teacher's life these days. Looking at this, I just want to say good luck to dear future teachers. Don't choose teaching profession just because you need to find a safe and easy course after you realise you can't excel in other courses. Teaching is not for people who seek an easy job, teaching is for people with big heart and tough spirit.

.......................

Out of the movies I had, I decided to watch the Lord of the Ring trilogy just because I need to watch some other people going through awfully bad things so that I won't feel like I am a miserable human being. At least there are hobbits who suffer a lot more than I am now. Ahha.

: 27th April 2015.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Tomorrow we will have a rehearsal for marching.

On the next day, we will have our Sports Day. And the day after that too.

Please please let the remaining days as least exhausting as they can be.

Too many things to do. So little time.

More Than This [ Norah Jones ]

I think people forget

that sometimes the person

who tries to fix everyone

needs fixing 

too.

................

Talk to yourself

like you would

to someone 

you love.

................

What a wonderful thought that

some of the best days

of our lives

haven't even

happened yet.

: 15th February 2015.

: 6.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: If you say being a teacher is easy,

try being me for a day

and tell me about it.

What about my love life?

Cintamu ini sudah meracuniku

....................

I am no princess.

I am merely human.

: 7th January 2014.

: 12.45 a.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: Suddenly I feel like reading The Hobbit. No no no.

Just who am I?

Not that I am bored, it is more to I am being curious.

......................................

Memorado Personality Test

ISTP - DESCRIPTION

ISTPs have outstanding analytic skills. They have strong powers of reasoning that help them understand the way things work. 

Most of ISTPs are thrill-seekers. They are independent and need space to live the way they want. Because they always look for action, ISTPs can get bored quite quickly. 

ISTPs stick to their values and beliefs. They believe people should be treated equally and fairly. They are loyal and faithful to the ones they love. 

ISTPs are action-oriented people. Adaptable and spontaneous, they rather work on concrete tasks than abstract ones. They focus on details and have an excellent sense of expediency which enables them to make quick and effective decisions. Because they absorb a large amount of impersonal facts when interacting with the outer world, ISTPs need to spend time alone to sort their thoughts and ideas. 

ISTPs will always value impartial judgments based on facts over judgments based on personal values. They distrust their own feelings because they have difficulty distinguishing between emotional reactions and value judgments. 

ISTPs are optimistic, cheerful and action-oriented people. They have uncomplicated desires, are generous, trusting and receptive people.

FAMOUS ISTPs:Steve Jobs, Dalai Lama XIV, Vladimir Putin, Stanley Kubrick, Clint Eastwood, Daniel Craig, Christian Bale, Tom Cruise, Scarlett Johansson, Kristen Stewart, Demi Moore, Snoop Dogg, Woody Allen, Bruce Lee 

PERCENTAGE OF ISTPs AMONG POPULATION : 5.4%

.........................

Wow. Ahhaha. 

But can somebody explain to me why I am nowhere near those famous ISTPs?

: 31st December 2014.

: 2.40 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: The sun is shining brightly outside, alhamdulillah.

Where to begin?

Hurm...where to begin? It has been quite some time since I last wrote anything here. Not writing anything implies either two things; too busy to write anything or too many things to write. 

December has been quite a busy month for me. Weddings, meeting up with friends, watching movies with siblings, doing household shopping with family and even spending some me-time had gotten me so caught up in so many things which left me with lesser time to sit down and write.

I guess I can start by writing what comes to my mind regardless the sequence of events then. Well, here I go:

1. Watching movies at midnight with my siblings has become one of the activities that I look forward to. 
2. In this month alone, my siblings and I had watched four movies together; Big Heroes 6, The Mockingjay Part 1, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies and Manisnya Cinta di Capadoccia. 
3. I feel kinda sad knowing that The Hobbit trilogy has come to an end. J.R.R Tolkien is such a great writer and Peter Jackson is such a great director. Thank you for bringing this awesome story into my life.
4. I have spent more than I should this month. Thanks to my siblings who always in need of something related to school (insert sarcasm here).
5. Most of my friends are married this month. On average, I have to attend at least two weddings at two different places on the same day. Just imagine how late I was for the second wedding. 
6. Sometimes, whatsapp can be sooooooo disturbing. You know, especially when people keep pestering us to do things or ask us about things that we don't know the answer to or feel like answering. Please, give me some space. Or maybe you can ask somebody else?
7. I never like to do house chores and this time, since I am at home, I have to do all of that (most of that) and I have to cook for lunch and dinner too (sometimes)! Arghhhh!
8. The busiest time of the day for me is before and after lunch. Please don't contact me around that time cos I won't be able to entertain you. Yeah, you, dear insurance agent or whoever you are.
9. My family and I are the type of people who don't really plan ahead. That is why I don't really have plans most of the time. I will just go with the flow. Sorry for the inconvenience caused.
10. One of my friends said this to me; "Sometimes, no plan is a good plan." I can totally relate to that as for one of my friends' wedding, I managed to meet up with two dear friends that I never expected to see. Thanks to the last minute decision I took ahhahhaha (konon).
11. I had surpassed my own record for driving long hours. This time I drove from 3 p.m until 4 a.m the next day. Such a long, tiring journey it was.
12. One thing I hate about driving at night is the high beam that the other (irresponsible) drivers tend to use. Highway pun nak guna high beam ke gilo betul.
13. Two of my dear friends whom I hold close to my heart are already married. I kinda feel sad though I am truly happy seeing them happy. It feels different now. I don't know how to explain this.
14. I have been watching a cute couple for a couple of episodes now. Such cutie pies.
15. I forgot to mention that I finally have a new handphone yeeeehuuuuuu alhamdulillah.
16. Bringing my friends travel around Penang island is not a piece of cake. As a Penangite, I am ashamed of myself. Ada ke sesat kat negeri sendiri cehh buat malu je.
17. Do you know how Penangites drive? Yeah, the adverb is crazily. They drive crazily. Just like me.
18. Miss Pudding Caramel oopps sorry, Mrs Pudding Caramel's food during her wedding is awesome. Soooo nogori. My dad loves daging salai masak lomak and my mom loves pulut tapai there. Me? I love the eggs. Telur pindang kot nama dia. Sodap bonar.
19. There are two types of newly weds; those who sincerely entertain and thank people who come to their wedding and those who are just so eager of taking photos with their spouse. Orang datang kenduri kot, at least datanglah tegur dan cakap thanks sebab datang. Oh please scold me if I ignore you guys during my wedding.
20. Despite the happiness of holidays, movies and weddings, there are also unfortunate people who face calamities and tragedies in their lives. Please pray for those affected from the flood and the missing planes. And also those who face problems that they can't share with others. They need prayers from all of us.

.......................................

Be strong, dear you.

You know who you are.

And you know how I am willing to help 

though I am not capable enough to lift it all from you.

May Allah help you, strong beautiful soul (s).

: 29th December 2014.

: 9.45 p.m.

: Penang, Malaysia.

: Fatigue and lack of sleep made me cranky. 

Sorry to those who got caught in the whirlwind.

So what is your verse?

Born to die [Lana Del Rey]

[Mr Keating, Dead Poets Society]

.....................

This week, even though there was no Sunday blues (read: Awal Muharram holiday), I personally felt that entering classes was a bit more daunting than I expected it to be. Oh well, I think I sort of forgot the saying; 'expect the unexpected', especially when it is related to teaching. 

It might be the unexpected temperature of the day too as it was getting way hotter even as early as 11.00 a.m. And it might be the stress and pressure for the upcoming SPM examination. Or it might also be the longing for holidays that I constantly have every single day in my teaching life. Or it might be all of those.

Oh, what an exhausting and mentally drained week. One more day to go.

.....................

Self Talk for Decreasing Anger:

1. As long as I keep my cool, I am in control of myself.
2. My anger is a signal. It is time to talk to myself and relax.
3. Nothing says I have to be competent and strong all the time. It's okay to feel unsure or confused.
4. If people criticise me, I can survive that. Nothing says I have to be perfect.
5. It's impossible to control other people and situations. The only thing I can control is myself and how I express my feelings.
6. It's okay to be uncertain and insecure sometimes. I don't need to be in control of everything and everybody.
7. If the person wants to go off the wall, that's their thing. I don't need to respond to their anger or feel threatened.
8. It's nice to have people's love and approval, but even without it, I can still accept and like myself.
9. People are going to act the way they want to, not the way I want them to.
10. I feel angry, that must mean 'I have been hurt, scared or have some other threatening feelings underneath the anger.'

: 29th October 2014.

: 9.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am getting a bit sensitive these days. I don't know why.

What does being cute has to do with me?

Chandelier

A teacher said this to me,

"Dear, you are so cute. You must have someone right?

So when can I eat your nasi minyak?"

My response,

"Errrr e he he he he."

That's why I don't know how to respond to the cute comment.

In fact, I am far from cute.

And no, I don't have that someone....

yet.

.............

The feeling of having a nap after six periods of teaching. Oh man, it was soooooooo refreshing. Well, minus the heat, the nap was marvellous. Beyond marvellous. 

: 29th September 2014.

: 11.32 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just uploaded a few photos in my alter ego facebook account.

In other words, my teacher account. Restricted to students only ahhaha.

Maintain your cool, man.

Don't say you love me, you don't even know me

This is me when my students asked stupid questions 

or talked back when I asked them to do something.

.........................

"If you can't explain it to a six-year-old,

you don't understand it yourself."

[Albert Einstein]

.........................

Everyone talks about leaving the planet a better place for our kids.

We should also leave better kids for our planet.

: 28th September 2014.

: 9.03 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: One of our beloved lecturers came to our humble place today.

I've always wanted to go to Neverland.

Let me take you there

Finding Neverland [2004]

....................

One of my favourite childhood stories is Peter Pan. I love to read the book (you know the thin book for kids) and I used to dream of being a kid forever. I even talked about J.M Barrie's Peter Pan for my five-minutes talk when I was in Form 3. I still remember how I looked forward to its movie. Ironically, until now, I haven't seen the movie. You know, the year 2003 movie of Peter Pan? Yeah, that one. Does anybody have it? 

Oh, I still remember the movie's tagline:

"Imagine a world like nothing you've ever seen."

Someone, take me to Neverland please. I don't want to grow up and stuck in adults' world; too many dilemma, conflicts and prejudice. Urghhh, it is too tiring to be honest with. Why are adults like this? Why so serious? Can't they be more relaxed, tolerant and giving? Where does the child in them go? No child is born racist. Oh, what is happening to humanity nowadays?

Cakap macam kecik lagi tuh, padahal dah suku abad sudah.  

..................

: 11th September 2014.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am alone in this house because I have an English camp with SPM students tomorrow.

I hope SPM won't be like UPSR this year. A mess I tell you, it's a big mess.