Love (life) talk.

Your love is all I need [DBSK]

How a person reacts to your sadness 

says a lot about how long they're going to be in your life.

......................... 

Last night, one of my dearest friends called me. It has been a while since we last talked to each other, but once we greeted each other, it felt like old times. Times when we would lie on the bed, talking about a lot of things until the wee hours. 

We talked about a lot of things, mind you we were on the phone for almost two hours! Haha. See, a lot of catching up to do. We talked about schools, colleagues, SPM examination, students, our plan for the upcoming trip and love life. 

You might start assuming things about our love lives, romantic stuffs and all but no, this time we weren't talking about how romantic our love lives are. Personally for me, it is not a good thing to always share about the sweet or good things of your relationship to others. I always feel that if I keep sharing such things with others, I kinda shove my happiness in their face. And if the person I am sharing with has a slighlty so-not-sweet relationship, it feels like I kinda rub a lot of salt to their wound. Okay, people might not feel that way though but you never know. 

Okay, the thing is, when you are approaching your late 20s and you are not yet married, people around you will start being such a busybody. In our case, teachers mostly started to ask about our relationship status. Even if we told them we are getting to know someone, they won't believe a word we said. For them, if we already have someone, we should be married by now. Some of them started to meddle with your love life by matching you up with people they thought compatible with you. Oh well, if they do it discreetly, it won't be a problem, but when they do it indiscreetly, the other side will start thinking that they have the support of everyone and since you are not yet 'attached', they have a chance with you. And when that happens, problems will start to arise. That's what we hate the most. Okay, hate might be a strong word to use but hey who would like to face this kind of problems?

I know at this stage, most of my friends at my age are already married and most of them already have kids. Some might read this and find that this problem is nothing to be bothered about, but hey, everyone is having their own battle, so please be kind. 

.........................

 No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone. So stop worrying and focus on those who love and care for you.

: 26th November 2016.

: 9.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Oh yes, I am still in Jeli. I am not yet in Penang.

One more SPM paper and off I will go back to Penang.

It feels so bitter in my mouth.

[Playing With Fire- BLACKPINK]

"Be so full of love that every word out of your mouth

will soothe the souls of all those who are around you."

...................

"My Lord, I have done wrong toward myself, so forgive me."

[28:16]

......................

: 25th November 2016.

: 12.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: There are so many things I want to say, but it is so difficult for me to say it out loud.

Bad habits vs Good habits

"I want you to consider what bad mental habits are holding you back,
what unhealthy beliefs are keeping you from being as mentally strong as you could be,
what one small step you could take, right here, right now."

.......................

Let us learn to:

• complain less about anything
• try our best to not envy others for their blessings
• try our best to self-love
• try not to magnify our misfortunes
• not let other people control us and our decisions
• try not to feel like the world owe us something

: 4th November 2016.

: 9.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Hey, let's do something good today. Like?

Cooking something new, come onnn :)

Asyura Day is here.

Cancer [Twenty One Pilot]

"Pray when you don't want to. When "you don't have time". When "you're too busy." Pray until you love it. Pray until you can't sleep unless you do. Pray until it's no longer a chore, but a need. Pray until you feel the joy and humility in prostrating to your Creator.

................................

Sometimes the reason good things are not happening to you

is because you are the good thing that needs to happen to other people.

...............................

"We focus on everyone else's blessings, but we forget our own.

Then we wonder why we are unhappy, because we aren't appreciative of what Allah has given us. Allah blesses everyone differently. Alhamdulillah. With patience and prayer, Allah will give you what you want and He will give you more than you ever asked for.

And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, "If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]..." [Surah Ibrahim, 14: 7]

: 11th October 2016.

: 9.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Distance is a test, a test from Allah to see

how much faith we have in Him and Him alone.

Undefined thoughts.

The One That Got Away [Katy Perry]

"The amount of love we receive in our lives is directly proportional to the love we give ourselves and others. As you increase your self-love you attract more love in your life."

-Matthew Boggs

............................

Truth be told, I am not a planner. My whole family seldom do a proper plan to almost everything. That is why I grow up not becoming a planner. However, I am so blessed with friends who plan. These friends of mine, I always respect them for the way they plan things, the way they organise what and which go first and what comes next, the way they prepare things ahead of time and the way they imagine what kind of things they want later in life. To say I don't do all those is entirely not true, I do imagine things and know what I want later in life, but to properly plan towards my future life is just what I suck at. 

In one of my conversations with my dear friends, she told me I can start planning things from now on. She even said I am lucky to have a goal to work on and I can get things done by next year. But the thing is, I don't even know what am I doing at the moment. I have no plans, I don't know what is in store for me, I don't even know what to do and I just don't have any preparation at all for my future. All I do is to just go to school, do my job, go back and rest, hang out with friends, spend money on food and all the finer things in life and get my salary. Saving? Oh no, please don't ask me that. I don't even know where do all my money go. So how can you be so sure I will get things done by next year? Because seriously, I don't think I can. Unless, there is a miracle. Or a twist of plan. Or anything. Or whatever, I am just too lazy to think about it.

Honestly, I don't really like it when people say that hey, you ought to get married by next year. Or hey, you should have at least ten thousands in the bank at this stage. Or hey, you should have a house by now. People have their own pace in accomplishing all these. So please, if a person is unable to accomplish one of those, please don't judge them. It is unfair to say that a person who has no saving in the bank is a spendthrift. Who knows he or she has to use up all the money for the family? It is unfair to say that a person is unattractive or unworthy of love or even too choosy if he or she is not yet married by the age of 30 years old. Who knows that he or she has tried her best getting to know a lot of people, but no one is willing to understand him or her? Who knows? 

So dear friends, please be considerate in giving remarks for life goals or accomplishments. Not all people are as blessed as you. So, please. 

...........................

"You are only invisible to those who do not deserve to see you."

: 9th October 2016.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Let's fast tomorrow, dearest.

Honestly, I miss...you?

How can I love you [Kim Junsu]

Sometimes it’s not the hardships and trials in your life that make you realize how low your imaan has been and how desperately you need Allah and need to return to Him. 

Sometimes, it’s the blessings. Sometimes it’s the outpour of blessings. Sometimes you just look around you and nothing has changed really but you look around and you fall to your knees thinking, I don’t deserve this. How merciful is your Rabb that you can go on this spiral of heedless sins and yet Allah holds back from taking it all away.

Pay attention. Be mindful of your time. 

The best way to show your gratefulness is through obedience and remembrance.

[taken from hakunamatata.tumblr.com]

.......................

Me: I think so. I don't know.

.....................

: 28th September 2016.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: One of my dear friends told me that I should not keep things inside

and pretend that I am okay when I am not.

I am learning to share my messy, complicated thoughts.

I hope it is not too burdening to you.

And I hope you can share yours too.

I wanted to take CRK, but I couldn't.

"Whats wrong with you people, don't you have enough of your life that you HAVE TO CHECK ON other people's lives everyday ? Life is not all about you, you and you. Its about helping the poor, contribute to the society and make the world a better place to live. If you die today, aren't you ashamed to meet the God? You're full of yourselves, didn't help the orphanage, you threw litters everywhere. How dare you gonna meet Allah with that attitude?"

A slap to me. Yes, me.

..........................

People always say teachers have the most holidays than any other people. With the school holidays, I understand why people always think that we do have more holidays compared to others. However, people don't really know that teachers have a lot more going on during holidays. Oh well, not all teachers though but yes, most of the times, and most teachers always, always have something going on during holidays. Name it; camps, courses, being a warden, camps, courses again, extra classes, sports practice, extra classes, ohhh marking exam papers, marking again, key in students' data and marks, marking again and urghhhh the list goes on and on. Yes, teachers should have fun with kids, yes we should, but being kids is seriously a daunting job, my dear friends. 

Oh well, who asked you to be teachers, you might say. Yes, yes, yes. We should never complain because that is our job. But my dear friends, it is not the job that we complain, it is the extra burden that we complain. Everything must be done online. But mind you, not all schools have proper internet connection. Being in Jeli, internet connection is not that good. At days, the line will be so perfect you can even watch videos, but most of the time, the page you want to open will be loading and loading and loaaaaadiiiiingggggg zzzZzZZz.

Opps, no no no I don't want to talk about line and work and kids. I want to talk about holidays. Yes, we do have a lot of holidays but not all holidays we are free from work. In case you guys don't know this, let me tell you what if we need a few days off but it is not during school holidays? Okay, for example, you need to attend your cousin's wedding but since the journey will take some time, you need to add a few days off. My friends, for teachers to take days off for personal matters, let me tell you, it is NOT easy. 

Teachers all over Malaysia are only allowed to take 7 days for Cuti Rehat Khas (we call it CRK) throughout the year. Wait, wait. You cannot take CRK for fun. There are only a few circumstances that make you eligible to take CRK. Circumstances like death of closest family members, religious affairs, attending convocation and a few more I can't list at the moment. Even if we have these 7 days throughout the year, we teachers have to apply online and wait for the principal to validate our holidays. If he or she doesn't validate the CRK, mind you, you cannot have your days off. Alaaaaa all teachers have a lot of holidays, right? Why do you need more? My dear friends, let say your parents want to perform Hajj. You need to send them off, right? So, you need to take a few days off. But, first you have to apply. Unfortunately, you cannot use the CRK to extend your holidays. 

So, what if your parents are going off on Sunday and you are teaching in Kelantan; which means you have school on Sunday. Since you have school on Sunday, you need to extend your weekend. From two days of weekend to three days of weekend. And mind you, on Monday you have to work. But, if let say you are from Penang and you have to drive to Kelantan. Won't it take hours? So, after you send them off, you need to drive as fast as you can to Kelantan. Ha ha ha. 

This is the part that I hate the most. Principal will not allow you to take CRK. Some principals will just tell you to take MCs instead. Mind you, we have to cheat. I hate this cheating part. It makes me feel so guilty. That guilt is eating me from the inside. Yes, it is. Still eating me from the inside. I feel like my salary is not clean for cheating but I have to do that since the principal didn't allow me to take CRK. Urgh. 

From what I know, other jobs, you have like 20 days of leave (correct me if I am wrong, I am ignorant at times) throughout the year. Even if you cannot have long holidays like school holidays, you guys still can take leave in the middle of the year or whenever you want. Even though your bosses might or might not give permission, still, your holidays are more flexible. Like my mom, she can extend her holidays. She can also take time off if she is late to work due to traffic jam and all. Teachers? No, we cannot do that. Even if you are travelling from Kota Bharu (which takes around 2 hours the max to Jeli), you need to punch no later than 7.40 a.m. No time off, dear, not at all. Like my friends, they can take holidays when the flights are at their cheapest and they have the opportunity to travel far more cheaper than during school holidays. I envy them for that.

Oh well, I know you guys might have a lot more to say. I know doctors are the people who have the most difficult time to take leave or to go on holidays. I know. But please, please don't say to our face that we are soooo lucky to have school holidays. I need holidays during school days too. There are certain matters we need to do during school days. 

Plus, to travel during school holidays use up a lot of money. Hotels are expensive, flights are expensive, there will be traffic jams, there will be lots of people urgh I hate it. I don't like crowded places. So please dear, don't assume that we can just take leave like that. I have a lot of camps during the weekends now. SPM is around the corner, urgh. This time of the year is the busiest time ever. 

: 23rd September 2016.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Why did they organise Family Day on Saturday?

I need to drive to Kelantan on Saturdays because I have schools on Sundays.

Tell me how can I drive from Malacca to Kelantan on Saturday night?

Alone? How? So, how? 

What love is.

Have I told you lately that I love you [Rod Steward]

What is love? My gorgeous housemate and I always have this conversation of what is love. I guess most of us do. To be honest with you, I do not know what love is supposed to mean. Yeah, really. What is love, romantically speaking? Does it mean you always think about the other person? Or does it mean you are willing to do something for that person? How about actions? Words? Which one comes first? So if people love you, does it mean you have to love that person back? Or the other way around? Does love mean you have to give all your heart and come what may you will do anything for the person you love? Or does honour come first like Rudolf Rassendyll in the Prisoner of Zenda? Oh, love is complicated. 

Even if I am not in a position to fully experience what love is (romantically speaking) since I am not yet married, I have been observing how people around me love each other. And you know what I found? I found that:

1. Love is when you can speak up your thoughts without the fear of being judged.
2. Love is when you accept the other person's strengths and weaknesses alike. 
3. Love is when you do not try to change the other person to be what you have always expected them to be.
4. Love is when you still eat the meal that your beloved prepared though the taste is not up to your liking.
5. Love is when you offer to lend a hand with the house chores even if you are so d*mn tired after work.
6. Love is when you still accompany your beloved to do the things they like even if you hate doing those things (grocery shopping for example?).
7. Love is when you can afford to let your beloved laze around in pajamas during their day off (or maybe join them?).
8. Love is when you can stay next to them when they can never stop talking or crying.  
9. Love is when you let the other person has their own personal time like hanging out with their friends without you tagging along.
10. Love is when you trust the other person that you let them read through your messages.
11. Love is when you never hesitate to share the news (be it good or bad) with your beloved first before anyone else. 
12. Love is when even you disagree with the other person's thoughts or ideas, you do not raise your voice or shout right in their face.
13. Love is when you put your hand-phone down and in silent mode when you both are having your time together. 
14. Love is when you feel the other person is not doing their work, you remind them instead of keeping it inside and later on be angry with them without them knowing why.
15. Love is when you are so angry with the other one, yet you still eat together.
16. Love is when you learn to think positive and make excuses for the other one for turning up late (or forgetting to fetch you on time). 
17. Love is when you think of the other person and mention their name every time someone else (maybe a more attractive person than the one with you) try to flirt with you.
18. Love is when you still wait for the other person even if you are soooo starving or sleepy.
19. Love is when you call the other person to ask when are they coming back or when you just want to see how they are doing at work (or something).
20. Love is when you bring back the food or things they like after you have gone for a trip or an outstation.

And the most important thing is: 

• Love is when you always keep that person in your prayers.  

....................

 "If you cannot swallow your pride,

you are not thirsty enough for her love."

- Pierre Jeanty

: 27th August 2016.

: 11.10 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I heard one of my friends is having problems with love.

I really hope they can overcome that.

Even if I am a pessimist (at times), I do want all people to have their happily ever after.

The second time it happened, I was calm.

[Surah Al-Israa recitatin by Saad al-Ghamidi]

Luqman Hakeem was asked:

"Who taught you manners?"

He replied:

"Those without manners."

.........................

If you notice, regarding schools, I usually talk about students but not teachers. You might think that I have no problem with teachers since I never once wrote about them, but no, I do. 

Teachers are humans you see. I am, therefore I am full of flaws. All other teachers too. If you are in this profession, you will meet so many teachers who become the reason why other people look down on teachers. These teachers neglect their work, enter class late, talk about other things other than the subject they should teach in class, not entering their class, smoke behind the school buildings and yet chase after students who smoke, bully young new teachers and so many other negative attitude I choose not to write. However, amidst all those teachers, there are also teachers who are soooooooo dedicated to their work, cherish their students, willing to sacrifice their time to make sure students achieve good results, do the work given without passing it to other people (young new teachers), exhibit good manners and sooooooo many positive attitude I shall not be able to write here.

I admit there are times when I enter late and talk about other things too in class. However, as I have always been reminded by my dear friends and family that God sees all that I do, I try my best to portray good manners as a teacher and complete all the other work (unrelated to teaching especially like sending students to camps and whatnot) given by school. Unfortunately, problems started to occur as I was given a lot of posts in school. I have so many posts and there were times when I couldn't keep up with all the work. 

I still remember how tiring and devastating it was for me to have three exam classes last year. The first year itself, I was appointed as the secretary and vice secretary for so many departments. Oh man, I didn't even know how to write the minute for the meeting but I tried my best to do so. 

However, despite me being the greenie (new young teacher), other teachers evaluated me as if I had a few years of experience just like them. I still remember the hurt I felt when my Head of Panel told me that one teacher announced to the whole staff room that I didn't enter a Form Five class. I entered the class actually but I was ten minutes late as I was waiting for the photocopy machine. I didn't know that she announced to the whole staff room and entered the class as usual. So, when my Head of Panel told me about that, I felt so hurt as even if I did enter the class, other teachers would believe her as she announced it. And actually, that teacher did pass by my class while I was teaching so she should know that she had just made a mistake of accusing me earlier on. But she didn't apologise. She didn't even tell the other teachers that she was wrong. So tell me, how can I undo what other teachers think of me? Until now, I have this trauma of entering class slightly later, thanks to that teacher. 

That was the first incident. There were a few incidents after that in which I decided not to take heed of what other teachers said. As long as I know I did the best I could, I shall not let their words hurt me again. And, after some time, this kind of thing happened again last week. This time, another teacher told the teachers who are supposed to do the relief thingy that I had never performed my duty as the Koperasi teacher. What the heck? I did go to the Koperasi and monitor the prefects do their jobs and just because that one time I had to excuse myself as I needed to sort out the paperwork with the Principal, she told other teachers that I slacked off. This is soooo funny how people can just simply say about other people. What a smart mouth you have there. I was soooo mad to that unjust accusation I felt like screaming my lung out but instead of doing such thing, I told the teachers about what happened during that one time. I told them maybe she was mistaken and I admitted that I did not do my work perfectly. And just that, the teachers told me not to worry as they have known her for always talk bad about other teachers. So, after that incident, I promised myself that after this, no matter what happens, I will stand there in that Koperasi until my slot ends. Come what may, I will stand there and smile as if I never know about what she had said about me.

So there you go. The stories about me and other teachers. Maybe it's me who have flaws so yeah, with them being so nosy, I have learnt to be a better teacher. Thank you. Without you guys, I won't be able to correct myself. And thank you Allah for teaching me through these people.

.........................

"Fitnah and gossip dies when it hits a wise person's ears.

Be that wise person."

-Dr Anwar Fazal 

: 26th August 2016.

: 7.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I am blessed to have such good friends around me.

Thank you for every kind wish and prayer.

I am officially 27 years old (and one day) todayyyyy.

Let us embrace aging beautifully haha.

Amboih, that doctor.

Sing me to sleep now [Alan Walker]

"There are people in the world who love you. 

There are even people out there you haven't met yet who will love you someday."

.........................

Other adults: "I own my own business, I'm happily married and I have my future all planned out."

Me: "I'm eating cereal today."

.........................

This doctor in the drama I am currently watching (because of Lee Jong Suk of course) is sooooooooooo amboiiiii with his mouth. At times I feel like rubbing chillies on his mouth, though at times I want to laugh with what he said. Adoiii.

: 14th August 2016.

: 7.35 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan. 

: I miss home badly. 

There he is, making my screen fills with rainbows.

Secret Love Song

"There are two types of beauty. The one that smacks you across the face and is plastered on magazine covers. And then there's type that grows on you. The one you don't expect. The one that poets and authors write about, the eternal kind."

..........................

"I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me."

[George Orwell]

...........................

Jeli; despite the lack of entertainment (malls and good eating places that is for me) has a lot of positive things to offer. The nature, the animals and errr the nature. However, the downside of being in Jeli is that the phone line and the internet connection are not thaaaaaat good. Seriously, if you have the experience of being on the phone with me, you will know what am I talking about. Okay, I don't want to talk about that in particular err but yeahh, yes the internet connection just sucks. Forgive me for my language.

That explains why I don't really like to follow the newest drama series as it is sooooooo difficult for me to download the episodes here. Remember Descendants of the Sun? Yeahh that famous Korean drama months ago. I haven't got the chance to watch even one episode of it, you see. I had to ask my brother to download it for me. However, I didn't really feel the urge to watch it right there and then at that time since well, Joong Ki is not my ultimate bias or anything. So, until now I don't really have any idea of that drama. Still, I know the OST (thanks to Xiah Junsu ahhaha).

Nonetheless, recently a new drama has just started. Well, I would not give a d**n (forgive me for my language again) about it until....until I got to know that my Lee Jong Suk is the main character of that drama. Why? Seriously whyyyyyyy? Why can't you guys wait until it is school holidays here in Malaysia? Whyyyyyyyyy?

So, I ended up watching the drama in school whenever I'm free using the school wifi. This is not a good example, dear readers. Don't slack off during your work okay? I should put all the blame on Lee Jong Suk. Aishhh, what have you done to me? You and your make-my-screen-fills-with-rainbows smiles. Aishhh.

See this Lee Jong Suk. Aishh I feel like slapping him. Aishh.

: 11th August 2016.

: 9.12 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Two of my students were suspected of bringing illegal things

to the SPM camp last week at one of the schools in Jeli.

As their class teacher, I felt both aggravated and disappointed.

Why? Of all times, why now? Of all things, why that?

Be grateful for who you are

.....................

Before you go to sleep:

1. Wudhu'
2. Dust bedding 
3. Recite al-Mulk (if possible)
4. Recite Ayat Al-Kursi
5. Zikr
6. Check your alarm for Fajr prayer
7. Shahadah
8. Sleeping prayer
9. Be on your right side
10. Clean heart
11. Forgive and forget

The list may look so long and tedious, but once you get used to it, you will be more at peace (?). Oh well, no. 1, no. 2, no. 4, no. 6 and no. 7 as well as no. 8 are a routine now. Just need to improve on no. 3 and errrr no. 10 and 11. I need to learn to clean my heart, forgive and forget. Easy said than done, but no harm in trying hard right? So, sleep well, dear.

: 14th July 2016.

: 10.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I miss fasting, isn't it weird?

Happy Eid Mubarak, dear.

Crush [Yuna ft Usher]

"Don't do that. Don't wish you were in another skin, that you were another person; someone prettier, someone thinner, someone with lighter skin or darker skin. You are you. And nothing can be more special than your individuality. You is sacred, you is one-of-a-kind, you is you. No one can be you. Love who you are and the world will love you back just the way you are."

.....................

"You are only invisible to those who do not deserve to see you."

.....................

: 10th July 2016.

: 11.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: All states in Malaysia had no school today; oh well except Kelantan.

How merry and joyful it is.

"So, when will you get married? This year?"

“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.”

-Willa Cather

............................

“Knowing you have something good to read before bed 

is among the most pleasurable of sensations.”

-Vladimir Nabokov

........................ 

: 29th June 2016.

: 3.46 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: People have been putting so much expectation on us,

so much until it makes me feel a few years older than I really am.

What's with all the things I need to accomplish now?

Let me work on my life with my own pace.

Unpretty pretty.

"Fix your heart, and your heart will fix your mind."

Earlier this month, I had a random conversation with my dear friends about the rising population of pretty instafamous girls on social media especially instagram. We noticed how these girls; who most of them are wayyyy younger than us (some of them are still in their secondary school era), are so pretty until it makes us feel so not pretty in comparison.

Every single time we looked at these pretty girls' posts and photos, we would envy them for their beauty. As for me, I did not only envy them for their beauty, but inferiority complex would start kicking in. 'Why am I not as pretty as those girls?' I would ask myself that over and over again. And without me realising it, I am starting to believe that to be pretty is to look like them. I started to google on tutorials; be it make-up tutorials or hijab tutorials, I started to search for more pretty girls on instagram and I started to venture into skincare products (there goes my money haha).

Still, I can never be as pretty as those girls. And when an unexpected comment hit me, I felt so down and even worse, I felt so ugly (hahaha okayy you might think I exaggerated but hey, that's what I felt). I kept asking myself why am I not blessed with good genes. Days passed by and after I listened to my own words, I realised I was being so ungrateful to Allah who has created me.

And when I listened to a talk by Ustazah Norhafizah binti Musa on women and beauty during suhoor a few days ago, I mentally slapped myself. She was right when she said,

"When we are so busy following people's definition of beauty, we will never be able to catch up with what they want. Long time ago people used to like thin lips and eyebrow, but nowadays people like full lips and thick eyebrow instead. You will be tired catching up with never-ending and forever-changing beauty trend. Instead, it will be better if you just take care with what is given by Allah to you and keep on improving the beauty of your soul."

Subhanallah, she spoke right through my heart. So, even though I am still feeling down and feeling not-so-pretty, I will try my best to work on the beauty of my soul. First task, let's learn to be patient.

............................

"Beauty isn't about having a pretty face. 

It is about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and most importantly, a beautiful soul."

: 17th June 2016.

: 6.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I just followed two beautiful people on instagram haha.

So, how's fasting so far?

[Watching MBC Omar Series Episode 3]

"To fast is to say, 'Dear God, I love food. I love drinks. I love to fulfill my desire. But I love You more. So I give up what I love for what You love."

-Yasmin Mogahed

....................

He (Jacob) said: I only complain of my grief and sorrow to Allah, 

and I know from Allah what you do not know.

[12: 86]

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"Subhanallahi wa bi hamdihi, subhanallahil-'azim"

"How perfect Allah is and I praise Him; 

and How perfect Allah is the Most Great."

: 16th June 2016.

: 8.11 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today, let us learn a little bit of sirah okay?

The Cheshire Cat, The White Rabbit and Poor Alice.

The monsters running wild inside of me

"But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."

"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here." 

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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I think I might have ran out of patience.

Please save me.

Oh Allah, please guide me.

: 7th May 2016.

: 8.22 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Why am I getting more sensitive day by day?

Where does my patience go?

Dangshin.

Breathe [Lee Hi]

"Writing is an intellect's way of bleeding."

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"If you feed to the body junk, the body deteriorates. Same goes with the mind. Junk goes in, junk goes out. You control what goes in."

-Aiman Azlan.

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"You are most powerful when you are most silent. People never expect silence. They expect words, motion, defense, offense, back and forth. They expect to leap into the fray. They are ready, fists up, words hanging leaping from their mouths. Silence? No."

-Alison McGhee, All Rivers Flow to The Sea

: 2nd May 2016.

: 9.55 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Sometimes, it feels tiring to be the one who initiates a conversation.

Can I not talk to people at certain times?

We are all monsters.

If I tell you “it’s alright”

I know that they’re only words [Lee Hi]

My dear,

I am sorry I should have noticed it earlier, with the deep quotes you shared and the black and white photos you posted. I agree, it isn't always flowers on days and all stars at night. There will be times for heavy rain on days and dark sky at night. I know, and I completely understand how dark and lonely it is at your side. But my dear, I am here whenever you feel like pouring all your dark thoughts. Because, you were there when all I saw was darkness. 

I care about you so much I hope better days are coming to you. Please eat well. 

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Why depression is hard to understand.

It is invisible.

It is not 'feeling a bit sad.'

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: 23rd April 2016.

: 8.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I believe we should meet so that I can give you a warm hug.

And maybe we can sing loudly in the car like we used to years ago.

That was definitely the most stress-free time of our life.

I will just smile widely today.

When you say nothing at all [Ronan Keating]

"Look at yourself as a colour. You may not be everybody's favourite colour but believe me, one day you will meet someone who needs you to complete his picture."

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"You don't need to promise me the moon and the stars,

just promise me you will stand under them with me forever."

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My exact question, almost every single day of my life (now). Ahha.

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Just before I rushed to that Form 1 class, the school clerk told me there was a parcel for me. I was clueless as I told her that as far as I could remember, I didn't even buy anything online or ask my mother to post me things. So, after I got back from that class, I went straight to the office.

The moment I saw the name on the parcel, I smiled. Aishh, why did you take my words seriously? Ahhaa. If that isn't sweet, I don't know what is. Thanks, dear. I don't think I deserve such sweet gesture from anyone; especially from you. Thanks, I really like it. May Allah shower you with more blessings for such kind gesture :)

: 10th April 2016.

: 11.57 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I found my mouth saying to other people the words I should tell to myself.

The Martian.

I will surviveeeeee

"Hey there, buddy."

Of all the scenes in 'The Martian', this struck me the most. For those who haven't watched 'The Martian' yet, I suggest you to go and watch it. 

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I don't want to go to school tomorrow aaaaaaaa.

: 9th April 2016.

: 10.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I have this one wish. Aaaaaa.

Aaaaaaaaaargh.

Kau fikir kau siapa, fikir kau siapa

Can someone take me on a journey back into the past?

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I seriously am stressed out. I've just realised it. I am stressed. Too many things on my plate now. Too many thoughts in my head. Too many expectations. Too many things to consider. I feel like running away from all this. I don't think I can do this anymore. Can I stop being a teacher? 

Aaaaaaa I seriously hate it when people say I was given lots of work just because I can do it. I can't, okay? I just can't. Please give to other teachers too, seriously. Arghhhhhh.

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I have been looking at old photos since last Saturday. That is not a wise action.

: 29th March 2016.

: 11.45 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I feel like screaming.

This is for you, my dear self.

Deeper Conversation [Yuna]

If you're struggling with yourself, remember, you are made beautiful since day 1. Good looks go away after some time, what remains is your heart and how you made people feel. It's your choice to be beautiful or not, beauty is not a privilege- it can be yours. Through your actions, through your words. Being attractive is when you enrich your brain and soul with positive things and share them with the world. Real beauty is when you love yourself. When you don't sacrifice your natural beauty or your identity just so that people will like you. When you take care of your health. Beautiful is when you are pleasant. When you're respectful in other people's space, when you are classy dealing with people who upset you. In my life, I learned that nobody will want to be around you if you're not a warm person and constantly talking bad about someone. When your heart is black, it is really hard for people to stick around. Being beautiful, is when you nurture love inside of you. It's not the colour of your skin, the shape of your nose, the thickness of your lips, it's not the curve of your body...it's how you remain lovely in this cruel world that's constantly changing and where there are people who are advocating violence in public, you exist to promote love and peace.

-Yuna, a Malaysian singer.

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"Make it a habit to talk about blessings more than burdens. When you spread positivity, the Almighty will bless you with blessings even more."

-Mufti Menk

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"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment, he needs help."

: 26th March 2016.

: 5.03 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I've just finished watching 'Django Unchained'.

It is an interesting movie to watch if you feel like watching racism related movie.
And indeed, no one is superior than the others. No race is superior than the other races.

We all are humans, we all have emotions, we all bleed.

I craved for meat last week.

How you make others feel about themselves,

says a lot about you.

......................

"You will have days where you feel better, and you will have days where you want to die. Both are okay. There is no magical cure. You just need to close your eyes, and trust that waves will pass, and soon you'll be able to breathe again."

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Last week, I had a mixture of emotions. Negative emotions. I woke up feeling anxious, went through my lessons feeling both tired and angry, went back home feeling both knackered and hungry, marking students' papers feeling frustrated and disappointed and went to bed feeling demotivated thinking of tomorrow in school. I don't know what came over me, but no matter how I tried lifting my mood by watching Merlin and randomly texting my friends, those negative emotions kept creeping in. 

I know bad days and bad moods will go off at some point, but what makes me even more negative is the fact that I knew I shouldn't be feeding myself with negative thoughts but I just couldn't stop myself from doing that. You know, when you of all people know that you shouldn't do something and yet you do it, you will feel even more terrible and disappointed in yourself. That's what I have been feeling for the past week.

One of my dear friends once pointed out to me that, most people see me as someone who they can share their secrets and problem with and also as someone who has no problem listening to their negative complaints and problems. Therefore, most of them would not mind sharing all those things with me. 

Honestly, I don't mind them sharing with me as it is a great honour to know someone has their trust in you. But, as I try my best to keep those negative things with me, as time passes by, those negative emotions and thoughts that they shared with me will start eating me out from the inside. You see, when you tell me something negative, I will try my best to make it positive but without me realising it, my soul absorbs all those negative things. Especially when the negative keeps coming in every single day. That is why, at some point, I will be very negative towards everything around me. 

Those who are around me day in and day out will eventually see how at certain days, I am such an annoying and complicated nuisance to be with. There are times when you will see me smiling sunshines and rainbows, talking nonsense and randomly making fun of things as if nothing can bring me down. Those are times I will be annoying in a good way. But mind you, after those sunshines and rainbows, I will be a soul with dark thoughts and negative emotions. I will be angry at smallest things and I will keep myself to myself. There will be no rainbows. There will be no sunshines. There will be only me; doing things that are not me and saying things I don't even mean.

And last week, after so much negativity, I exploded. I had enough of being patient and I became so angry and said things that I had in my heart for so long. What makes me even more angry is; I cared so much of a person that I became angry when that person didn't take heed of what I said. When I care about someone, I will tell them what I think the best for them, but usually, that wouldn't turn out good because when I am angry, my words are not as beautiful as they should be. And that makes those who are at the receiving ends think that I purposely hurt them with my words. But no. I care so much that is why I said such things to make you realise that you are doing it wrong. I know I am not always right, but please, hear me out when I said something. I want nothing but the best for you. You should know that. Because if you don't mean a thing to me, of course I wouldn't waste my time saying it to you. I would rather let you be. 

So, here in this long post, I want to say sorry if I hurt you with my words. I meant good. I want you to be happy. I want you to put some effort. I want you to see things from other perspective. I want you to believe in Him. I want you to know that things like soulmate or a perfect guy won't come to you without you looking for it. And please bear in mind, my dear, there is no perfect guy in this world. You and I, we have to learn to accept the flaws in others and love them the way they are. Just as God loves the imperfect us. 

And my dear, I love you the way you are. Please don't just wallow in self-pity and wait for your Prince Charming without doing anything. You have to do something. For a beginning, let us pray for him to come soon. 

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"How beautiful to find a heart that loves you,

without asking you for anything,

but to be okay."

: 24th March 2016.

: 4.34 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Our friends always find you childish,

but you, my dear, is a person with a big heart.

You just need to see the world in a positive way.

The melody lingers on.

Show me the meaning of being lonely [Backstreetboys]

"It's not the eyes that are blind, but the hearts." 

[22: 46]

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I don't know why but recently I don't have appetite to eat. It's not that I didn't eat but rather I didn't look forward to eating just like how I used to. People around me keep saying that it's because of tiredness and because I have too many things on my mind; which is quite right, I think. I guess rather than having troubles to sleep, I am having more troubles getting myself to eat properly.

Realising this, yesterday, I took some time off from watching movies and anything online for an hour just to sort out what is bothering me. Unfortunately, sorting it out doesn't mean it is resolved, but I have come to a realisation that I should rearrange my day-to-day schedule. If not, I will feel like a drag if I don't rearrange it any sooner. 

So, today, despite the fact that I went to bed a bit later than usual last night, I woke up early and drank a cup of honey drink. A good day begins with a good breakfast they said, so yeahhh, I had fruits for breakfast yesterday. It was not that filling but I managed. I did a few minutes of stretching after that because I feel like my body has been screaming for a proper exercise since forever. Here, I don't have the opportunity to exercise properly so I guess I should incorporate a little bit of stretching at least 10 minutes a day. I don't aim for the body of a model (obviously), I just wanna feel healthy because for the past two months in school, I find myself to be yawning every single morning. Not that I don't get enough sleep, I believe it's because my body is kinda not awake? Oh, whatever. At least I am doing good for my own body. You should, too :)

Emotion wise, I have been in a rollercoaster of emotions since the beginning of the year. For those who are close to me, they will know what I am talking about. But one thing for sure, this year, I feel like I am easy to get angry at certain things. This is bad, seriously. It's like I am running out of patience; especially to students. Never in my history of teaching I would bring a cane into class, but man, this time I did, in that one particular class. I have tried giving my attention and love but no, it didn't work out. So, I brought a cane. And it worked out. But I shouldn't misuse it, I feel. Now, I am figuring how should I treat them and make them love learning with me just because they want to learn, not because they are scared of me. Please tell me how if you happen to know. Don't say I need to give them more sweets because they need to learn to love learning not for the sake of the sweets. And plus, the economy is bad now. I need to save money.

And for dear you, I hope your days are good despite the lack of interaction between us. I might not show you what your presence means to me, but I do miss you at times. I don't want to be clingy by keep sending texts whatsoever (because I myself feel suffocated if people keep sending messages) but I pray for both your well-being and for your bright future. One day, God willing, I hope to see you. With that being said, I do look forward to know what you are up to every day. Meanwhile, take a good care of yourself. Eat properly. 

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This is my girl crush (with her boyfriend at the back). 

She's one of the reasons why I am trying to incorporate good habits in my life (ahha over).

Arghhhh how can you be so cute and gorgeous at the same time? 

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"Trust yourself. You've survived a lot, and you'll survive whatever is coming."

: 5th March 2016.

: 11.40 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I was so happy knowing that all my Physics students passed their paper.

Even so, half of my English students failed. I just don't know what to say.

I meant good but it turned out the opposite.

Family Potret [Pink]

" I was dying to 

hear

someone say

That I didn't need

to try so hard to be perfect,

That I was enough

and it was okay."

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“Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. 

But it's those hours that make us what we are.”

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"Sometimes the hardest people to love

are the ones who need it the most."

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: 27th February 2016.

: 11.25 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I went back home for the weekend.

Even if it was a short one, so many things happened.

And I was left with the feeling of disappointment and guilty.

For all this while, why now?

Oh son of Adam, you are nothing but a few numbered days. 

When a day goes by, a part of you is gone. [Al-Basri]

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"I don't trust words anymore. I only trust actions. 

People can pretend to do a lot without being serious about it."

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I have a lot to write actually. But I don't know where to begin.  I love to talk, I seriously do, but sometimes, what I have in mind comes out different when I say it out loud. So, that is why I have to write so that I can reconstruct my thoughts in better words. 

I have a lot of friends. Friends whom I care and who are always in my heart even though we don't contact on daily basis. I am a person who values friends; therefore to spend money and my precious time on them is not something that I find difficult to do. Even if they don't feel the same way about it, I still won't mind much going miles and miles just to meet them. 

However, reaching the era where people are starting to build their own career and family, things are not the same like before. I can't simply spend my money just to book a flight and meet a friend of mine just because she asked me to do so. I can't simply drive for long hours just to accompany my dear friend who happens to be lonely and depressed. I have to look at my own savings and my own schedule. Not to mention, my own capabilities in driving for long hours. I have to look at all that. Because, as far as I remember, not many who are willing to do that for me. So, if you are among those who are willing to do that for me, I will be more than willing to go miles and miles just for you.

I have a few friends who sometimes complain how I never even once visited them though I did not hesitate to visit some others. It's not that I don't want to, but sometimes, I know that they have their own agenda with their family and beloved ones. So, how can I come to visit if you are already have plans, right? But don't worry, when I have the money and time, I will visit you without a second thought. But for now, I am sorry dear, to book a flight just to meet you is not something I can do right now, I am so sorry. But I love you all the same. C'mon lemme hug you virtually. So am I forgiven? He he he.

These days, this one friend of mine, a bubbly one she is, never fails to contact me on daily basis. She is such a precious one, yeah she is. She always reports to me what her daily activities are, what kind of frustrations she has throughout the day and even asks me the same question all over again without fail. You know what, she even made a Facebook account using a fake identity just to tease me. See, what kind of love she has for me? Ahhahhaha. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am her boyfriend instead of her friend. Thank God I am a girl, if not I might start having the wrong ideas. Ahhaha. Hey, not that kind of wrrrooooong ideas, I mean if I am a guy, I might think she likes me so much ahhahaha. I hope she won't be reading this, pleaseee if not I might get killed by her. 

Another dear friend of mine, is counting days now. Every single day, she is counting and she is already at the end of her long waiting. I am sincerely happy for her though I didn't show it. I find her and her beloved such a precious couple. See, I am using the word 'precious' again ahhaha. I envy the deep discussions that they had with each other. Not every couple can discuss such matters comfortably and it makes me kinda wish that I can have such deep discussions with the one I love one day. Why? Because for me, to be able to communicate comfortably is what I really seek in a relationship. There are lots of people out there who are in a relationship but they can't say what they have in minds comfortably with each other. For me, I think that, the more things you keep from each other, the more you will grow apart from each other. Ironically, I like keep things to myself, so as my dear friends often remind me, I must try to be more open and expressive. I will try my best, okay? I will. So, if you are my other half, I sincerely hope that you will bear with me. Because, most of my dear friends often complain how I always make them feel unloved by me even though I told them so many times I love them unconditionally. Please love me even when I am unlovable. Heeee.

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: 20th February 2016.

: 8.52 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I don't know how to deal with that Facebook messages now.

How should I reply?