I won't tell a soul.

If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn't be strong, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same

"If there's anything I've learned from my recent spiritual/ religious studies and silently observing my environment, it's that when God loves you, He won't necessarily bless you in ways that are obvious or material like a new high-powered job or prestigious degrees. Instead, He will favour you in ways that make you more grounded internally and make you a better human being. He will give you a better sense of self. He will give you a better sense of self-worth. He will give you charity in knowledge. He will give you clarity in knowing Him. He will give you more opportunities to help others. And ultimately, He will give you peace of mind and a sound heart. Sometimes, His blessings are not obvious."

.................

Why can't anyone put them together as the main leads instead? We need villain-like couples too, not just sweet mushy pairs.

Why? So that we can see a drama where instead of evil parents or jealous frenemy, it is them who ruin each other's love life. You know, it will be so anxious and frustrating to watch how unpredictable they might be and how their ego and dark sides will test the love that they have for each other. Because, in this life, rather than other people, it is us who make it difficult for happiness to creep in our life. It is us who build walls and hurt others; just to protect our own hearts. But in the end, it is us who hurt ourselves.

See, isn't it interesting to watch this kind of drama? We need our main leads to have flaws because admit it, we all do have flaws, in our own way. 

....................

These few days, I noticed how my dear friends are having dark days of their own. I have been there; you know, the feeling of sadness, self-pity, self-doubt and hurt even though the reasons might not be the same. Some time this week, in my English class, I taught my students of a poem entitled 'What Has Happened to Lulu?'. One of the issues in the poem is 'everyone, no matter what is their age, faces their own kind of problems'.  While teaching them this, I had this realisation that yeah, we all have our own problems. For us, we find that our problem is big, and sometimes much bigger than everyone else's. When others tell us not to fret too much, we feel that it is unfair for them to say so because they don't know how we feel. That is why most of the times, we feel like people won't understand us because they are not in our shoes. However, my dear, God is fair. Whatever problem we are facing, it is because He knows that no one, except us who can bear such burden. Hence, that is why in Quran, there is a verse saying; "Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear."

So, my dear friends, please be strong and have faith that no matter how bad it is right now, He will make sure you can go through it. I love you all the same, and while I am physically far from each of you, my prayers are just behind you. Until we meet again, do take care.

: 29th January 2016.

: 10.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can.

I didn't mean to scare anyone.

And if you like going places we can't even pronounce [One Direction]

“The resemblance is uncanny,” he stages a whisper but waves at his daughter. 

“You dressed her in her judo uniform to come to ballet class,” Rachel deadpans, futile anger and disbelief simmering under a tight expression. 

....................

This is me every single time I find a love letter in the class.

...................

I finally found the online stories with my newest pairing. Stories between an ice queen and a ruthless heir. Yeah, I am into that type of characters now. Blame that online story that I have been waiting for since March last year. I think someone should go and find the author. She can't leave that story hanging. I need to see the end of those two stubborn yet adorable characters. Meanwhile, let me read the interesting banter between that ice queen and ruthless heir. Aishh, such a childish pair yet so alluringly dangerous. Aishh.

: 24th January 2016.

: 11.05 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I found a love letter today. In my Form 1 class. Aishh, kids nowadays.

Reconstructing thoughts.

Where are you? Do you know my heart? [Hello Goodbye, Hyorin]

"We are nothing but a paradox;

both our thoughts and actions contradict most of the times."

..................

1. I was supposed to start my journey around 2.30 p.m, however, I overslept. I woke up around 2 p.m.
2. Throughout the journey to Kota Bharu, it was raining.
3. I used the second road and it was a good decision. 
4. I forgot how to go to Tesco. I decided to follow a bus and reached Tesco in no time. Alhamdulillah.
5. There were a lot of cars near Tesco. Thank God I managed to get a parking lot.
6. My dear friend and I bought a pair of baju kurung each. It was definitely affordable and cute; worth both our time and money.
7. We watched a horror (?) drama series on TV. I ended up watching videos of a cute namja before sleep. 
8. The breakfast was so limited. We had to eat another meal in KB Mall.
9. She bought two cute minion cups as the wedding gift for the groom and bride.
10. The traffic jam was so bad. So did my mood. In fact, my mood was worse than the traffic jam.
11. The road was so narrow. I felt suffocated. 
12. The groom was happy to see my dear friend; his old classmate. They talked of old times for such a brief moment. Such interaction melted my anger away.
13. We rushed to the bus station. Thank God I still remember the way.
14. We managed to arrive there in the nick of time. 
15. I had to go through the same traffic jam, alone. 
16. Listening to old songs made me think a lot.
17. Reached around 5 p.m. and the first thing I did was to check the food in the fridge.
18. I cooked chicken soup for the soul. Eh, chicken soup only.
19. I continued to watch Episode 13 of You Who Came from the Star. Kim Soo Hyun was such a complicated human being, opps, my bad. A complicated alien.
20. I had to be brutally, and bluntly honest.
21. I called my dearest friend just to hear her voice. May Allah bless you, dear beautiful soul.
22. Now I have to sort out my thoughts by writing everything down.

.....................

"If you don't have good intentions, please just leave me alone.

I'm tired."

....................

Somebody asked me yesterday if I'm looking for love, 

I said no, I'm looking for happiness....

but I want love to find me.

: 24th January 2016.

: 12.45 a.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I want to stop thinking about this type of thing.

The phone call that I longed for.

You could be my unintended [Muse]

These two kids are so childish around each other, yet they are alluringly dangerous with other people. Aishhh, what has that story done to me? How can I, of all the characters in the drama, fall in love with these two? They are not even a pair in the drama. Why did I fall for these two villains and want them to be together so much that it hurts my imagination? Oh, my idea of a perfect pairing is getting out of hand now. I seriously need to stop falling for such dark, damaged characters. Or maybe, I should stop reading that story. But I still have ten more chapters to go.

....................

Someone whom I dear so much called me out of blue. It started with a hot gossip about other people and ended up with more gossips about each other. Oh, love is weird. But I love you hehehe. 

......................

"I don't even know how to cope with all the scars in my heart,

how will I be able to deal with any of yours?"

-Choi Young Do, The Heirs

: 20th January 2016.

: 11.43 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Dear, I think we both have trust issues. How can we cope with this?

This heat is killing me softly.

Wake up, your sleeping heart [The Vamps]

"I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. 

They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be."

.....................

These days, the heat was too much to bear. I had to drink more than before (which is actually a good thing), I had to shower more than twice a day (oh man, I am not fond of bathing just because I am too lazy to do so), I had to keep my windows open even at night and now, my brain...my brain is on the verge of exploding with the fire of wrath (thank you dear students) and overthinking.

"In every sorrow, seek happiness."

Indeed, I am trying to live my life with the above quote. Still, trying is a never-ending battle in which both my emotions and my physical strength will have to participate. Oh, whatever. I don't even know what I am writing. 

I just finished watching 'The Heirs'. Oh please, don't judge me. I don't find that drama is that interesting because let me tell you, the story is so cliche. You know families of chaebol fighting over companies, evil parents who happen to be the presidents of the companies, rich kids fighting for power in school and of course, a love story between a chaebol and an ordinary girl who happen to have a lot of part-time jobs (and yet she has the time to date a chaebol ahhahaha this is the power of drama, people, it's dramaaaa). However, I still watched it and I find myself falling for two dark characters in that drama. Oh well, when I fall for such characters, of course, in no time, I have googled for that pairing. So, I have another pairing now and great stories with them in it are already bookmarked by me. It's time to read now, peeps. He he he he.

For those who don't understand what I have just written, don't worry, it is not that important. I just had to write it down; for me in particular. I have so much things in my mind now so I have to let certain things out so I can breathe and think properly.

Have I ever told you that since early December, one of my relatives has been urging me to get married? Oh, don't be shocked. I don't have any candidate at the moment, so yeah, my marriage might not be that soon. The thing is, this relative of mine is so persistent. Every single day (okay I exaggerated but well almost every day), she will send me a quote on marriage and marriage and marriage and marriage. She has never contacted me before that often, but since her son is getting engaged this March, she started to urge me. She tried to pair me up with a guy she barely knows and expected me to just accept that guy without having to get to know him personally. She even asked my grandmother to tell my mom to have me go for 'mandi bunga'. I was like, seriously? Mandi bunga? Seriously?! 

I know she is being concerned as I am still single and dating no one apparently, but this is burdening. I know, I am the eldest grandchild and since my cousin which is younger than me by a year and oh well, my cousin is a guy, people might start looking at me in different perspective now. Yeah, let me tell you what perspective; I am an old maiden which is so unattractive to have failed in dating anyone. I actually don't mind that much if people I don't personally close to think and see me that way. However, when my own relatives do that to me, I feel like it's true. I am unattractive. I am not interesting. I am dull. I am not sweet enough to make anyone fall in love with me. That is why I am having a lot of self-doubt recently. 

How can I love myself when people near me see me as an unattractive lady? A lady that no man looks at. A lady who is single at the age of 27 years old this year. Tell me, just how can I believe I am beautiful when in my relatives' eyes, I am a failure? This is seriously killing me inside. I might look like I don't care but deep down inside, every time I see myself in the mirror, I feel like am I that unattractive and plain ugly. So tell me, how would I believe you when you say guys will be flocking around me in no time because I am pretty? Tell me, please.

: 19th January 2016.

: 8.53 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I had six periods of classes

and when I tried to be positive,

that message just killed my mood. 

That message is torturing me.

Sunshine in a bag [Gorillaz]

Some days, you just have to create your own sunshine.

.................

Every time you get upset at something,

ask yourself if you were to die tomorrow,

was it worth wasting your time being angry?

.................

How I wish someone will just be by my side
and smile like that.

: 10th January 2016.

: 9.15 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I seriously in need to talk to someone

but I don't think they understand why.

That hairstyle, though.

Pavane for the Dead Princess [piano]

"Of course, she must be sleeping, sleeping deeply, wrapped in the darkness of that strange little world of hers."

-Haruki Murakami

.......................

Last night, after so many nights of watching English movies, I started to watch a Korean drama series. I decided to watch that drama because of the main actor but along the process, I am falling for the second lead actor. Am I suffering from the second lead syndrome? Oh my.

"Your heart. Don't give your whole heart. Leave some of it." 

[Chang Soo, High Society]

And after watching 9 episodes of that drama, I couldn't care less about the main leads and the plot. I continued to watch just because of that second lead actor. Oh, he is not that handsome or what, but he kinda grew on me. I guess it must have something to do with the character. You know, a chaebol who is also a player but ends up falling for a commoner and yet finds it hard to put in effort for true love. Sounds familiar, eh? Yeah, you got it right. His character is almost similar with that Boys Over Flower's So Yi Jung. He is one of the characters in Kdrama land whom I find so interesting to watch. Why oh why on earth I find such characters interesting? I shouldn't. In real life, such rich players won't even fall for commoners and even if they do, they won't change that much. Oh these fictional characters; they are so frustratingly alluring to me ohhhhh whyyyyy.

Ehhh, why does he look like my Shim Changmin here? Oh my eyes.

....................

"I do not miss childhood, but I miss the way I took pleasure in small things, even as greater things crumbled. I could not control the world I was in, could not walk away from things or people or moments that hurt, but I took joy in the things that made me happy."

-Neil Gailman.

: 9th January 2016.

: 4.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today is a battle of laziness and house chores.

Thank God for the strength to get up from my bed and do laundry.

Beautiful girls, all over the world~

Sunshine in a bag [Gorillaz]

"On the journey to myself, I've been so many people."

-Indigo Williams

........................

This is my definition of a sweet face.

Oh, how I wish people would think I have a sweet face too.

But no, they don't. 

.....................

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important.

You need to once in a while go 'Uh, I'm kind of an asshole.'

-Louis C.K.

: 8th January 2016.

: 9.32 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: These days I feel like a slob or whatever that means.

I need to find my motivation. Like seriously.

if only I could, I would.

Better make up your mind, what do you mean [Justin Bieber]

"You are the dark ocean bottom, and I am the fast sinking anchor."

..........................

I know you are somewhere out there, somewhere far away.

.........................

Today marks the forth day of schooling days this year yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. I've survived these four days without any case of me strangling students to death or pushing them down the stairs ohhhh thank God, alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for giving me the strength and the right amount of patience I need. Well, more days to come.

Actually, I have a lot of things to say. And yet, I just can't bring myself to sit down and properly pour all the feelings I had and have here. I just can't. I just don't know where to begin.

I just don't know.

And I guess, people just don't care.

Though I hope I am wrong in this.

: 6th January 2016.

: 10.50 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: People keep asking me the same question and it is killing me inside.

Unless you are in my shoes, you won't understand this.