Good Muwoning.

I'm often stuck because of anxiety

But a ray of light always comes through

Gonna miss this clumsy girl and this hot adorable man.

[credit: sharingyoochun.net]

Dear, please have a good rest after this.

No more stressing out and complaining, okay?
You did a very good job, really.
So please, take a rest now.

: 30th September 2011.

: 08.19 a.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: I'm not asleep...but that doesn't mean I'm awake.

Routine.

I want to stop the time, and stay next to you forever

Starry, starry night

Paint your palette blue and gray.

Look out on a summer’s day

With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.

Shadows on the hills.

Sketch the trees and the daffodils;

Catch the breeze and the winter chills

In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me,

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen,

they did not know how.

Perhaps they’ll listen now.

Starry, starry night

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze

Swirling clouds in violet haze

Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue.

Colors changing hue

Morning fields of amber grain,

Weathered faces lined in pain

Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand.

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me,

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen;

they did not know how.

Perhaps they’ll listen now.

For they could not love you

But still, your love was true.

And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night

You took your life as lovers often do.

But I could’ve told you, Vincent:

This world was never meant

For one as beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night:

Portraits hung in empty halls:

Frameless heads on nameless walls

With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget;

Like the strangers that you’ve met:

The ragged men in ragged clothes.

The silver thorn, a bloody rose

Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know

What you tried to say to me,

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen;

they’re not listening still.

Perhaps they never will. 

: 28th September 2011.

: 04.18 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: My dearest cat, Maow went missing since five days ago.

They said she won't be coming home anymore.

So Cool.

Don't say goodbye

Thanks dear.

You know who you are.

P/S: Wish you were here. 

: 25th September 2011.

: 05.13 p.m.

: Plymouth, U.K.

: Safely back in the U.K on 23rd September 2011.

Thanks for all those prayers and wishes.

1 more day.

Lingering sunsets, stay a little longer with the lonely sea

I don't know why, but lately, there's some kind of sadness lingering around me. Maybe it's because I'm going back to the U.K, leaving my beloved ones behind. Or maybe because I'm going to leave all those memories and days behind, thinking how things will never be like it was again. Or it's just a play of the hormone. I just don't know. 

I just don't know why I felt sad these days, even by just looking at my cats sleeping (even though they almost kill me with their poops everywhere), or messing with my sisters' hair. Simple things make me feel a little bit melancholic, and to tell you the truth, it's kind of irritating. I kept reminding myself yesterday, how I shouldn't feel this way. I should be the usual optimistic me, making promises to myself that I would do my very best for the third year I'm in the U.K (which will be the last year I'm there), but no matter how I tried, I ended up fighting with the tears that are threatened to fall. 

I asked my youngest sister that day, "Will you miss me if I go back to the U.K?". Thinking that the answer will definitely be the most unromantic answer ever (well, most of the time, we siblings never admit our true feelings to each other and teasing is one of our way of showing care and love), I almost shed tears when I heard her reply. She told me, in her soft voice while looking down at her feet, "Of course I will. Who else will help me combing my hair before I go to school if it's not you?". Ahha. Even for a cold person like me who won't waver at cheesy or touching sentences in most drama series, this sentence almost makes my lacrimal gland produces what normal people would call "tears." Oh gosh dear, where did you learn such sweet talk? *crying a bucket of tears* 

My dear cat, Maow, who I always take a great liking for, is sick. Well, most of my cats are. My parents said that it must be the weather, and all we can do is just to give them medicine that we bought from the veterinary. Alhamdulillah, most of the cats are getting better but Maow isn't. She keeps coughing and sneezing and the mucus starts to affect her respiratory system, and eventually it also affects her appetite. She didn't eat a single fried fish that we gave her these few days. She just drinks the plain water and nothing else. Looking at this, when she wasn't at home yesterday, I couldn't help feeling a little worried over her. My brother told me that she was not young anymore (considering a cat's age), that's why her immune system is weak compared to other cats. When I was hanging the clothes this morning, she came back. Oh, how happy I was to see her since I pray to Allah to give me the chance to see her one more time before I fly back to the U.K tomorrow.  Stroking her fur and looking into her eyes, tears started to form. Oh, I was so emotional, wasn't I? That's why I'm not being too caring and attached to all the cats out there because being too caring and attached might get me this emotional if something happens. 

Living things might die one day. Thinking of this is what makes me even emotional. Oh Allah, please protect those whom I love no matter where they are. And please, please bless them oh Allah. 

Seriously gonna miss watching my cats sleeping.

“Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.”

: 21st September 2011.

: 22 Syawal 1432H.

: 16.46 p.m.

: Malaysia.

: I just washed my shoes and haven't pack anything yet.

Oh, gotta start packing soon.

Get Out...Good Bye

And I am going to the right way for you

Can I have this car, pretty please? 

: 20th September 2011.

: 21 Syawal 1432H.

: 10.26 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: I'm speechless.

Roti Canai.

The Place Promised in Our Early Days.

I was always thinking about you while walking along this road

Some has changed and some has not

The meaning or definition of happiness may vary from person to person

But at least I have the place I can call home here

Time flows and never stops. But how to live tomorrow

I will choose it as my heart tells me

I want to send you as much “thank you” as possible in any way I can now

That’s the reason I’m here

I cried because you were crying

But it’s not from sadness

I’m so happy to see you are here

That tears well up in my eyes

The promise we made looking up the clear sky

I think back on it whenever I feel a little down

The sky of today is just like the sky of that day…Just the same

Certainly, it has not changed

I sing because you are watching

It’s not for anything else

Just the fact you are there

Makes joy well up in my heart

I couldn't forget you, there’s no way I can forget you

The smile in front of me is so precious to me

I've been wanting to see you, It’s great to finally see you again

Please stay with me for the rest of our life

: 17th September 2011.

: 18 Syawal 1432H.

: 10.25 a.m.

: Malaysia.
: The weather has been rather unpredictable these days, 
which surprisingly resembles the state of my heart and soul. 

Thirty Five.

Oh baby tell me why you act so strange

But tonight I don't need a damn explain

Hint?

No, Miss Kang, they won't get the hint.


...even if you give loads of them.

: 10th September 2011.

: 11 Syawal 1432H.

: 11.43 p.m.

: Life is like a rollercoaster, they say.

My Name is Memory

Walking in the dreamscape

In my footsteps

[credit to the owner]

: 7th September 2011.

: 8 Syawal 1432H.

: 10.53 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: It's been a while since I last read a good book.

Thank you my dear cousin, for such a great book.
You definitely bring back my love for reading.

I'll return it to you next Eid Mubarak, insyaAllah. 

A confession of the eldest daughter.

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

This is a confession of the eldest daughter.

To tell you the truth, it's not easy to be the eldest child in the family, what more if you are a girl in a big family. You might say that the eldest daughter often gets more privileges than the other siblings, she has more say in the family, mom and dad are likely to believe her, she gets the chance to order people around, she can complain about you while you can't say a thing to her and the list goes on and on...but hey, haven't you spend a moment or two to think about why things are like that? Well, I admit that if I were you, I will also complain just the same, but, before you say things like that, please listen (or read) our confession.

Being born as the eldest ones, we admit, we did receive more love and attention since we are our parents' first children, but to tell you the truth, once the other siblings were born, that love and attention gradually changed into expectation. Being the eldest ones, we are expected to be some kind of leaders, the ones who show you the right examples and at the same time, protect you from any bad things or bad behaviour. This might sound like an easy thing to do, but hey, to take care of others while enjoying our childhood times was not an easy task. I still remember how I was scolded by mom for going off to play with friends and forgetting to look after my little brothers. I was around six at that time, wasn't I too young to understand a thing like safety and responsibility?

Being the eldest ones, no matter how old we are, we always get the blame for our siblings' doings. I still remember the moment where I was scolded by my neighbour because my naughty little brothers (well, boys) threw mercun into her house yard. You just can't imagine the shame and anger that I felt at that moment. Oh, how I wanted to scream my lungs out saying that it wasn't my fault and she shouldn't scold me for the things that I didn't do, but thinking that I might embarrass my parents for being disrespectful towards her, I just kept silent and apologised on my brothers' behalf. To tell you the truth, up to this moment, I can still remember every word and every faces that she made. Urgh. Until now, because of that incident, no matter where I go, I have this kind of habit where I will constantly remind them about the right manner or scold them (in a good way or sometimes threatened, without any violence involved ) not to misbehave. Well, sometimes I admit I was being too strict and irritating, but hey, it doesn't mean I don't love them, instead I just want them to be better persons. Nothing else.

It kind of hurts actually, when I heard people saying bad things or complaining about their eldest sister. They don't know how big the responsibility that people like us have. That responsibility is the main factor why the eldest ones are either strict or perfectionist. Talking about being perfectionist, hey, most of us are perfectionist. We want things to be done in the right way and the right order. Why? Because we are taught to do so. We are taught to be able to do house chores even at the very early age and to be able to get good results as a good example for the rest of the siblings. 

You just can't imagine the pressure and expectation that we have as the eldest ones, no matter how you try to, so please, before you say something about your eldest sister or brother, think again.

"Mastering others is strength but mastering yourself is true power."

: 7th September 2011.

: 8 Syawal 1432H.

: 10.35 a.m.

: Malaysia.
: I suddenly remembered a conversation that I had before.
A conversation which explains why that person is like that.
Tell you what, I AM a perfectionist. Sorry for being one. I can't help it.

Back at one.

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Happy Eid Mubarak!


P/S: Oh, I almost forgot. Today is my friend's wedding day. May everything goes well, insyaAllah. 
Be a good spouse and may Allah bless your marriage.

: 3rd September 2011.

: 4 Syawal 1432H.

: 01.04 a.m.

: Malaysia.

: Finally back at home, after almost one week at my mom's hometown.
It's been a great holiday, despite all the heat, traffic congestion and bitter experiences all the way through.

May you have a very good time celebrating this Eid Mubarak, dear friends.
Oh yeah, this time, I plaited almost 50 ketupat sate on my own. Yeahhhh~ Ehhe.
By the way, where have you been dear Miss Kang? Hope you're doing fine.