Honestly, I miss...you?

How can I love you [Kim Junsu]

Sometimes it’s not the hardships and trials in your life that make you realize how low your imaan has been and how desperately you need Allah and need to return to Him. 

Sometimes, it’s the blessings. Sometimes it’s the outpour of blessings. Sometimes you just look around you and nothing has changed really but you look around and you fall to your knees thinking, I don’t deserve this. How merciful is your Rabb that you can go on this spiral of heedless sins and yet Allah holds back from taking it all away.

Pay attention. Be mindful of your time. 

The best way to show your gratefulness is through obedience and remembrance.

[taken from hakunamatata.tumblr.com]

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Me: I think so. I don't know.

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: 28th September 2016.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: One of my dear friends told me that I should not keep things inside

and pretend that I am okay when I am not.

I am learning to share my messy, complicated thoughts.

I hope it is not too burdening to you.

And I hope you can share yours too.

I wanted to take CRK, but I couldn't.

"Whats wrong with you people, don't you have enough of your life that you HAVE TO CHECK ON other people's lives everyday ? Life is not all about you, you and you. Its about helping the poor, contribute to the society and make the world a better place to live. If you die today, aren't you ashamed to meet the God? You're full of yourselves, didn't help the orphanage, you threw litters everywhere. How dare you gonna meet Allah with that attitude?"

A slap to me. Yes, me.

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People always say teachers have the most holidays than any other people. With the school holidays, I understand why people always think that we do have more holidays compared to others. However, people don't really know that teachers have a lot more going on during holidays. Oh well, not all teachers though but yes, most of the times, and most teachers always, always have something going on during holidays. Name it; camps, courses, being a warden, camps, courses again, extra classes, sports practice, extra classes, ohhh marking exam papers, marking again, key in students' data and marks, marking again and urghhhh the list goes on and on. Yes, teachers should have fun with kids, yes we should, but being kids is seriously a daunting job, my dear friends. 

Oh well, who asked you to be teachers, you might say. Yes, yes, yes. We should never complain because that is our job. But my dear friends, it is not the job that we complain, it is the extra burden that we complain. Everything must be done online. But mind you, not all schools have proper internet connection. Being in Jeli, internet connection is not that good. At days, the line will be so perfect you can even watch videos, but most of the time, the page you want to open will be loading and loading and loaaaaadiiiiingggggg zzzZzZZz.

Opps, no no no I don't want to talk about line and work and kids. I want to talk about holidays. Yes, we do have a lot of holidays but not all holidays we are free from work. In case you guys don't know this, let me tell you what if we need a few days off but it is not during school holidays? Okay, for example, you need to attend your cousin's wedding but since the journey will take some time, you need to add a few days off. My friends, for teachers to take days off for personal matters, let me tell you, it is NOT easy. 

Teachers all over Malaysia are only allowed to take 7 days for Cuti Rehat Khas (we call it CRK) throughout the year. Wait, wait. You cannot take CRK for fun. There are only a few circumstances that make you eligible to take CRK. Circumstances like death of closest family members, religious affairs, attending convocation and a few more I can't list at the moment. Even if we have these 7 days throughout the year, we teachers have to apply online and wait for the principal to validate our holidays. If he or she doesn't validate the CRK, mind you, you cannot have your days off. Alaaaaa all teachers have a lot of holidays, right? Why do you need more? My dear friends, let say your parents want to perform Hajj. You need to send them off, right? So, you need to take a few days off. But, first you have to apply. Unfortunately, you cannot use the CRK to extend your holidays. 

So, what if your parents are going off on Sunday and you are teaching in Kelantan; which means you have school on Sunday. Since you have school on Sunday, you need to extend your weekend. From two days of weekend to three days of weekend. And mind you, on Monday you have to work. But, if let say you are from Penang and you have to drive to Kelantan. Won't it take hours? So, after you send them off, you need to drive as fast as you can to Kelantan. Ha ha ha. 

This is the part that I hate the most. Principal will not allow you to take CRK. Some principals will just tell you to take MCs instead. Mind you, we have to cheat. I hate this cheating part. It makes me feel so guilty. That guilt is eating me from the inside. Yes, it is. Still eating me from the inside. I feel like my salary is not clean for cheating but I have to do that since the principal didn't allow me to take CRK. Urgh. 

From what I know, other jobs, you have like 20 days of leave (correct me if I am wrong, I am ignorant at times) throughout the year. Even if you cannot have long holidays like school holidays, you guys still can take leave in the middle of the year or whenever you want. Even though your bosses might or might not give permission, still, your holidays are more flexible. Like my mom, she can extend her holidays. She can also take time off if she is late to work due to traffic jam and all. Teachers? No, we cannot do that. Even if you are travelling from Kota Bharu (which takes around 2 hours the max to Jeli), you need to punch no later than 7.40 a.m. No time off, dear, not at all. Like my friends, they can take holidays when the flights are at their cheapest and they have the opportunity to travel far more cheaper than during school holidays. I envy them for that.

Oh well, I know you guys might have a lot more to say. I know doctors are the people who have the most difficult time to take leave or to go on holidays. I know. But please, please don't say to our face that we are soooo lucky to have school holidays. I need holidays during school days too. There are certain matters we need to do during school days. 

Plus, to travel during school holidays use up a lot of money. Hotels are expensive, flights are expensive, there will be traffic jams, there will be lots of people urgh I hate it. I don't like crowded places. So please dear, don't assume that we can just take leave like that. I have a lot of camps during the weekends now. SPM is around the corner, urgh. This time of the year is the busiest time ever. 

: 23rd September 2016.

: 10.40 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Why did they organise Family Day on Saturday?

I need to drive to Kelantan on Saturdays because I have schools on Sundays.

Tell me how can I drive from Malacca to Kelantan on Saturday night?

Alone? How? So, how?