I meant good but it turned out the opposite.

Family Potret [Pink]

" I was dying to 

hear

someone say

That I didn't need

to try so hard to be perfect,

That I was enough

and it was okay."

..........................

“Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. 

But it's those hours that make us what we are.”

........................

"Sometimes the hardest people to love

are the ones who need it the most."

......................

: 27th February 2016.

: 11.25 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I went back home for the weekend.

Even if it was a short one, so many things happened.

And I was left with the feeling of disappointment and guilty.

For all this while, why now?

Oh son of Adam, you are nothing but a few numbered days. 

When a day goes by, a part of you is gone. [Al-Basri]

...................

"I don't trust words anymore. I only trust actions. 

People can pretend to do a lot without being serious about it."

..................

I have a lot to write actually. But I don't know where to begin.  I love to talk, I seriously do, but sometimes, what I have in mind comes out different when I say it out loud. So, that is why I have to write so that I can reconstruct my thoughts in better words. 

I have a lot of friends. Friends whom I care and who are always in my heart even though we don't contact on daily basis. I am a person who values friends; therefore to spend money and my precious time on them is not something that I find difficult to do. Even if they don't feel the same way about it, I still won't mind much going miles and miles just to meet them. 

However, reaching the era where people are starting to build their own career and family, things are not the same like before. I can't simply spend my money just to book a flight and meet a friend of mine just because she asked me to do so. I can't simply drive for long hours just to accompany my dear friend who happens to be lonely and depressed. I have to look at my own savings and my own schedule. Not to mention, my own capabilities in driving for long hours. I have to look at all that. Because, as far as I remember, not many who are willing to do that for me. So, if you are among those who are willing to do that for me, I will be more than willing to go miles and miles just for you.

I have a few friends who sometimes complain how I never even once visited them though I did not hesitate to visit some others. It's not that I don't want to, but sometimes, I know that they have their own agenda with their family and beloved ones. So, how can I come to visit if you are already have plans, right? But don't worry, when I have the money and time, I will visit you without a second thought. But for now, I am sorry dear, to book a flight just to meet you is not something I can do right now, I am so sorry. But I love you all the same. C'mon lemme hug you virtually. So am I forgiven? He he he.

These days, this one friend of mine, a bubbly one she is, never fails to contact me on daily basis. She is such a precious one, yeah she is. She always reports to me what her daily activities are, what kind of frustrations she has throughout the day and even asks me the same question all over again without fail. You know what, she even made a Facebook account using a fake identity just to tease me. See, what kind of love she has for me? Ahhahhaha. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am her boyfriend instead of her friend. Thank God I am a girl, if not I might start having the wrong ideas. Ahhaha. Hey, not that kind of wrrrooooong ideas, I mean if I am a guy, I might think she likes me so much ahhahaha. I hope she won't be reading this, pleaseee if not I might get killed by her. 

Another dear friend of mine, is counting days now. Every single day, she is counting and she is already at the end of her long waiting. I am sincerely happy for her though I didn't show it. I find her and her beloved such a precious couple. See, I am using the word 'precious' again ahhaha. I envy the deep discussions that they had with each other. Not every couple can discuss such matters comfortably and it makes me kinda wish that I can have such deep discussions with the one I love one day. Why? Because for me, to be able to communicate comfortably is what I really seek in a relationship. There are lots of people out there who are in a relationship but they can't say what they have in minds comfortably with each other. For me, I think that, the more things you keep from each other, the more you will grow apart from each other. Ironically, I like keep things to myself, so as my dear friends often remind me, I must try to be more open and expressive. I will try my best, okay? I will. So, if you are my other half, I sincerely hope that you will bear with me. Because, most of my dear friends often complain how I always make them feel unloved by me even though I told them so many times I love them unconditionally. Please love me even when I am unlovable. Heeee.

.....................

: 20th February 2016.

: 8.52 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: I don't know how to deal with that Facebook messages now.

How should I reply?  

From Butterworth to Gombak.

Terlalu rindu, terlalu rindu, jujur aku terlalu rindu, tiada lain selain rindu

"Maybe I love too much

and maybe I show too little."

....................

Last week, a few days before the school holiday, I suddenly had the urge to go on a train. I didn't think of where to go, but I did want to go somewhere by train. I mentioned it randomly to one of my friends but she didn't quite catch it. So, I sent a text to one of my dearest about this. Thinking that I haven't had the opportunity to sit and share things with just the two of us, I asked her if she had any plan over the weekend. Thankfully, she didn't have any plan so tadaaaaa-- I bought an ETS ticket to KL Sentral. 

Meeting her is what I actually needed for such a long time. Even though we did meet during one of my friends' wedding in Teluk Intan, the time was too short for us to share lots of things that we used to share ever since we were roommates back in the Teaching College nine years ago. And I seriously need to talk to her, sharing what has been bothering me and what have I gone through since we have been posted to our respective schools. There were soooooo many things to talk about and alhamdulillah, meeting her was the best decision I have ever made this month. Thank you Allah for such opportunity.

.......................

Dear, 

Thank you so much for everything. I guess the time we spent together wasn't enough to cover all topics; you name it; schools, friends, colleagues, relatives, students and the list goes on and on. I still remember how we used to spend our nights talking about random things. I also remember all those dilemma and stress we used to share until whoever hurts either one of us, we won't hesitate to go after that person back in our foundation years. The thought of you scolding those people never fails to make me smile. The thought of us being scolded for coming late to class too never fails to make me laugh. Oh, when we are together, we are always late. It is not that either one of us wake up late or what, but when we are together, we always feel that we can take our own sweet time and no matter what, we feel that we can make it. Yeahhh, that's what we think. And I guess dear, in the recent issue that we talked about, I am trying hard to think that yeahhh, we can make it too. I still have that photo of yours, you know, about the tree? Yeahh, I will keep it of course. Meanwhile, please take care and believe that my prayers are always with you. Love you so much lillah. May Allah protect you and shower you with more love around you for being such a loving friend to me; who don't deserve such amount of love from anyone. I love you, saranghaeeeee.

......................

People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

: 13th February 2016.

: 11.20 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Everytime I listen to 'Terlalu Rindu' by Eleena Harris, I remember you.

The sky looked so blue.

Maybe you don't have to smile so sad, laugh when you're feeling bad

But the most beautiful things in life are not just things,

they're people and places,

memories and pictures.

They're feelings and moments

and smiles and laughter.

....................

Sometimes you don't realise 

you're actually drowning 

when you're trying to be 

everyone else's anchor.

....................

A healthy relationship is one where

two independent people just make a deal that 

they will help make the other person

the best version of themselves.

...................

Far too many people are looking for the right person,

instead of trying to be the right person.

: 1st February 2016.

: 9.30 p.m.

: Jeli, Kelantan.

: Today was a long day. I was the MC for an event in the school.

Even though I didn't have to teach, I was more than just exhausted.

Oh, I just couldn't wait for this Thursday.

I am taking a train to meet one of my dearest friends.Yeaaahhhh alhamdulillah~