The sound of the fan
It makes me smile knowing that
my sweet little baby
is half me and half the person I love.
......................
As the first time mother, I always heard stories of how terrifying the contraction pain and the labour process is. No matter how many people I asked, they always said that the contraction pain is sooooo bad and most first time mothers will spend hours and hours just to wait for the cervix opening. If the opening takes a lot of time and the baby is in distress, the doctor will either perform episiotomy or use forceps or vacuum the baby or perform a Caesarean operation. Either way, there will be a lot of stitches in the end. And the healing process? It will take quite some time and it will somehow affect the emotional state of the mother.
In my case, I didn't experience what they said as painful contractions. Honestly after listening to stories, I expected the contraction would be so painful. However, even in the last days before the delivery, I did experience cramps around my belly but since the cramps were not thatttt terrible, I thought those were not the contractions. I didn't even realise I was having the real contractions because of that.
The night before the EDD, I couldn't sleep well. I woke up a few times and because I was so worried that I might be getting an induce since my EDD was due in a day, I performed solat hajat and ended up praying a few other solat sunat. I prayed to Allah whatever happens, please don't make me get an induce. Little did I know that I should instead pray for a smooth journey during and after delivery. But hey, we learn.
That morning I went to my mom's room. I asked her if we could have our breakfast outside since I wanted to just get a fresh air after that sleepless night. It was just a coincidence that my grandmother who stayed with us at that time also wanted to have her nasi lemak at her favourite shop. So we headed out and had our breakfast there. I ordered a lempeng with prawn sambal. It was soooooo spicy and it caused my stomach to feel a little bit of discomfort. After that, my grandmother asked my mom to take her to the pharmacy near the morning market as she wanted to buy herself a new walking stick. So off we went with me feeling a little bit discomfort. When we were there, I experienced some sort of stomachache. I thought it had to do with the sambal I ate. So I kinda brushed the feeling off thinking that I might need to go to the toilet once we reached home.
After we bought the new walking stick, my grandmother said that she needed to go to the loo. So, we went to the nearby clinic to use their toilet. Thinking that maybe I should just answer my nature's call there, I went into the toilet. However, to my surprise, I saw a few spotting on my panties. I was quite confused. Is that one of the signs that labour is about to start? The blood show? Is it? I was confused and so unsure of what to do. Should I quickly go to the hospital or should I wait? Oh man. What should I do?
Not knowing what to do, I told my mom about it and she said we should head home for her to look at the spotting. Just when I thought we could go home, my mom said she wanted to buy some groceries first at the morning market. If it was the starting of labour, it would take a few hours since it was my first baby, she said. In most cases, it takes a few hours just for 1cm opening. Thinking that she might be right, I said okay. However, instead of going with her, I told her that I would just wait in the car. That was when the pain was getting real. It suddenly crossed my mind that maybe that was the contraction pain that people are talking about. Oh man. What should I do?
I told my grandmother about the pain and all she said, "Ko biar betul" (You better not be kidding me). I was like "Nek, sakit betul lah" (It is painful, grandma). She just repeated that ko biar betul. Oh God. And as my mom entered the car, I told her about the pain. She was panicking. However, I told her it wasn't thattttt bad. Just as we wanted to head home, my grandmother said she wanted to buy fresh fish near the jetty. Oh man. Why of all time? Why must she want that now? Whyyyy? And so we went to the jetty. After we bought the fish that she wanted, we headed home.
It was around 1 plus at that time. Once we reached home, I showed the spotting to my mom. She said we should get ready to go to the hospital. She asked me to have a few bites first but I wasn't feeling hungry so I just drank a cup of hot milo. I told her we should perform our Zohor prayer first. After that, we went straight to the hospital in Muar, Johor. Throughout the journey, the pain was getting real and I started to feel the cramps every 20 minutes. I started to recite the doa that my mom taught me and tried to regulate my breathing. It would be even more painful, I thought to myself so I should keep calm.
The parking spots were full. Just nice, right? Hahaha. My mom was already panicking, she was worried of me. So to make her less worried, I suggested to her to park at the nearby clinic's parking spot. I would have to walk quite a distance but I told her the pain was not that bad (even though it was). So we walked to the entrance. Once we reached there, the medical officer told me to go to the ward on our own since I didn't look like I had so much pain. So much for smiling in pain hahaha. So off we went there.
It was around 3 plus when they finally checked the opening. I was lying there looking at the doctors' faces. They said facial expressions don't lie right? When one of them checked, I could see she was a bit surprised. She immediately asked the other doctor to check again. When the other one checked, both of them looked at each other. "It is already 6cm." I didn't know what's the fuss over it but they asked me to keep lying there to check the CTG of the baby. Since I secretly brought my handphone in (I shouldn't of course), I took it out and started to recite surah Maryam. It helped me a lot in enduring the pain, however after some time, if I wasn't mistaken, when I reached the verse 20, I couldn't recite the next one. It was around 4.30 pm and I started to feel hot and I was sweating like crazy. At that time, the lady on the bed beside me asked me whether I was about to deliver. I said I didn't know so she immediately called the doctor. The doctor came and she checked the opening. She quickly exclaimed "It is already 9cm!" and a few nurses started to rush and help me to change my clothes. It was a bit blurry and I didn't really realise what was actually happening as I tried to endure the contraction pain.
I was taken to the labour room and the situation was hectic. They asked if my husband would accompany me but unfortunately he was still on the way from Cheras. I was a bit sad but the pain overcame all the other emotions. I kept reciting the doa and I heard the doctor said this won't take long. And after a few pushes and with the help of the nurses (one of the nurses scolded me okay), alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh alhamdulillahh I finally held my baby's little fingers in my hand. It felt so surreal and I, for a second there, forgot about the pain.
I felt like crying and while the nurses were busy cleaning up (oh man, I didn't bother to see the pool of blood down there), I was thinking to myself, after a few months carrying him, this baby looks like his father. As much as I wished he would look like me, I still love him all the same.
And now, after going through that delivery process (oh I haven't told you about the perineum tear I had) and a tough postpartum period, I know what they say about mother's love knows no bounds.
For my little bundle of joy, a thousand times over.
...........
: 4th August 2020.
: Merlimau, Melaka.
: It was until recently that I was brave enough to see the scar 'down there'.
