Love dose?

Inilah maharku untukmu

I should be sleeping by now, but out of nowhere, I have this sudden urge to go blog-walking (instead of sleep-walking :p ) at this very hour. My dear friend is now sleeping and I hope the sound of my keyboard won't disturb her sleep. However, I need to type this. I need to type something to pour something out from my heart.

With 'Maharku Untukmu' by Alief as the background song for my blog-walking, I came across this amazing blog of my friend which never fails to touch my soul. She wrote something similar to what has been haunting my heart and mind for quite some time:

"hari ini, masih sama. setiap hari adalah hari yang baru. tetapi, suasananya cukup berbeza. entahlah, mungkin saja eksplorasi saya masih sangat kurang, atau saya saja yang masih belum celik dengan dunia yang sebenar-benarnya. untuk seketika, saya rasa 'lost', rasa 'down', membuatkan saya terasa begitu kerdil untuk berdiri di sebelah sesiapa saja. cukup, untuk menghuni di dalam gua sendiri. ataukah saya saja yang kurang percaya diri? ataukah hubungan dengan Allah yang longgar, membuatkan ruang-ruang percaya dan tawakal itu pun turut mengecil? entah."

I am not a strong person, nor a person with a great soul. Most of the times, what I feel is similar to what she had brilliantly put into words. I am officially a teacher now, but how can I teach someone to be a better person if I myself is a person with the feeling of lost, indecisive, not confident and weak? I may be a teacher with smiles and firm rules in my hand but how firm I am to myself? How firm I am with myself?

I keep thinking that this may have something to do with the presence of love in my heart. No, no. Not that kind of love, no. I mean, how can I love my students if I myself don't sincerely love teaching. And how can I love teaching if I don't love my job? And how can I love my job if I myself don't love me? And how can I love myself if I don't love the One who creates me? 

...........................

"jadi, jangan takut sebab Allah sentiasa ada. meski lambat atau perlahan, 
Dia tahu kita sesungguhnya mencuba. 
mencuba dengan membekali diri untuk memberi, 
bukan menerima."

[Umairah, my dear friend with beautiful words and thoughts]

: 17th May 2014.

: 11.58 p.m.

: Kelantan, Malaysia.

: Someone mentioned to me about one thing that I wanted to do

the first time I came home for good from the U.K 

and here I am thinking how can I make it into a reality.